One more piece of junk from my backyard.. this was dated for 2009/09/18 . ..
Seriously! no more drafts hanging for more than a week …
For all those who don’t know what ‘Fundas’ are? Well, they’re just ideas in your mind or the rules by which you abide and ways in which your live by.
So what’s wrong with my fundas? Everything!! Well, almost I think.
Some people are clear-headed and some are cloudy headed and that’s fine I think. As long as you accept yourself you can live in peace. Me, I keep drifting between these, so much so that I don’t know what I was in the beginning. When I’m having fun I’m thinking if this is the right thing and what about the stuff you gotta do, and then when I’m doing what I gotta do I’m thinking about all other fun stuff. It feels like I’m mostly thinking of where I want to be rather than be where I am.
As if that’s not enough, that I also got this other obsession way of thinking and living. It’s all about what ‘you should do’, how you should behave, when and how you should speak… blah. It’s always there in the back of my mind. I’m beginning to wonder if I trust myself at all?
And so what if what I think is totally different from what it should be like and so what if many a times I’ve landed myself in deep shit because of this different thinking? Why has my mind stopped trusting myself and started looking for a guide to think by?
Learning from mistakes is good, but now it seems like I’m too scared to make any mistakes and always look at the safest way to get away. It makes me boring, it’s not me! But I am answerable to my responsibilities and everything I do now affects many others around me. So how do I balance it out. I don’t! I chicken out like an idiot.
Trusting yourself is difficult but more than that its important. I even when I know this can’t make myself get up to the risks I run into. It would be too bad.
Now all what I have been saying might not be making much sense and I may sound like a stupid messed up gal blabbering on and on. But see if you read what I have next you’ll know what I mean exactly:
1. From the recent events, when I speak to New Guy, I’m not very clear of what I want. Thats fine right at least until I meet him in person. I enjoy talking to him, its been a while since I connected to someone so much and could speak to them for hours. But then I keep questioning myself on what and how should I behave and talk. Also, I keep thinking that I should be a little guarded.
2. About what I want to do in life i.e apart from what I’m already doing. I know this isn’t where I want to be but never gather to believe in myself enough and even tried to like what I should do as per the situation. Then again if I know I have other destiny to be fulfilled why am I not moving in that direction. Too many ‘shoulds’ are holding me.
You got what I’m saying? Maybe .. any idea how to get rid of this and get my thinking not so confusing?? I think maybe the trick is NOT TO THINK… 🙂