Its happened more than a few times now that I open up wordpress thinking of writing something and then I start reading other blogs and end up not writing anything. Not blaming others, its just that sometimes you only have a moment to say something, you either let it out right then or will never, something like that.
Its weird really, I am sitting in my office at my desk, actually chair, so why do we use the phrase ‘sitting at my desk’? anyways, and listening to some sad + romantic+ feelings type+melodious songs (I’m thinking i need to change the list of songs on my desktop, something peppy maybe) and smelling the coffee aroma from the cup in front of me (which is now not allowed, no beverages, eatables at your desk) and I’m lost, like literally lost, I need to pull myself to bring my mind to work and so what I ought to.
I’m so tired of asking the same questions to myself & God, there are no answers. I try to look for clues, signs, something, anything. Tell me what I want? I’m here and doing fine, but every now and then I feel lost. I seem to feel so out of place.
The weather is clearing out after a good rain and heavy clouds since last evening, I wish my mind would be clear too. I think about it and nothing I know. I’ve tried ignorance and all it makes me feel is a loser. I’ve wanted so much but haven’t achieved quite much. How can you want something you don’t even know? I know I want to be doing what I’m passionate about, but what is that? When will life take a turn for good and take me to where I belong ? There’s so I want, so much of what I don’t even know.
Silence makes me aware of my ignorance and thoughts only tell more of what a wrong place I am at, yet I go on, I have to, I owe it to my family.
A thought comes to my mind, how can my focus be so limited. I hear of people doing it all together, responsibilities, love, finding their dreams, getting health. And all I do is try and try. Will this pay off? ever?
When everything seems like a burden, is there a need to drop everything and leave ? I don’t think I have the guts to do that either.
where am I? and why?
I so need to stop that listening to those sad songs .. after this one maybe.