“Its not at all difficult, just listen to you heart” they say, butwhat if your heart only speaking beats and no words, what if you don’t know this language that your heart speaks? What if you don’t know how to get there? To that quiet place where you can be calm ans still and where you might, just might know something about what you really want.
I’ve been here for sometime now, this strange and lonely place. Everything seems to be passing by me, over me and all I do is be a spectator. I live outside and yet I don’t know where. There’s a sound of emptiness, undiscovered , hollow. Its like a black hole of some kind, where no matter what you fill your life with, it all vanishes and your heart is still not there where it wants to be. Ignorance has been my tool for sometime, but that is just another way of fooling yourself. The journey of self discovery cannot be covered in a day, but you need to start to get anywhere. I’ve tried to tell myself that I will like this, this where I am and what I am, that in sometime I will get used to and accept that this is where I should be and what I should do and I would love it. But now I see 2 years have passed and I still question my heart to tell me what I really want? I will get there if only I know what it is, I will and I know it. But I don’t know.
When life seems so normal and steady, I feel like I have no reason and no purpose. I feel guilty to think this way and think myself as selfish. I stop myself and indulge in what I have at hand right now. But again in moments of free mind, I know that I am fooling myself. How can you give yourself to something you don’t love? I am fooling myself.
I wish I never knew all this. I wish to be dumb at times and maybe that would have made me so happy. I wish I thought less and didn’t feel so empty and lost.
Right now, the only solace I think I can find, is in God. I will pray to God to bring me to my purpose, to show me te way, to show me a sign. I will pray. I will keep faith. He will bring me to my destiny and my reason to be here. I know I am meant to go places and be so much more, I will believe that he will be my Interpreter and help me understand my fate and my heart.
In few of my posts, I have got comments that read ‘may you find peace’ and if that is what you can feel when you read the words that are not even half of what my mind is going through in days, then imagine what I feel every moment before I type these words out. I don’t ask for pity, I ask for peace with myself, yet pity for self is what it seems like.
I will Pray today. Please pray for me too.