I feel like I restrict myself to too much and make too a many conceptions in my head and try to follow them, hoping that they would be the right way and take me to the right path, but what I end up doing is ‘Nothing’, nothing at all, I don’t take the first step, so how can I possibly know whether it is right or wrong. These conceptions of right and wrong have filled my head too much.
Things that made me realize this are far too prominent to be ignored ans unnoticed.
My mind has divided much stuff into ‘should’ and ‘shouldn’t’. What the hell happened to ‘what you feel like’ and ‘instinct’. Am I ignoring all this and sticking to a guide to live my life and how I should be and feel and what I should do. There are no ‘shoulds’. I will have to scrap this from my mind, like literally scrap.
There’s a part of me afraid to take control and take ownership. I feel too much is at stake and I’m not prepared to risk anything, especially when my family is also concerned with the outcome. So what I’ve been doing, is just what is neat and effortless and also risk-less. Its simple and boring and predictable. I need to trust myself and know I can handle this. But the responsibility is what scares me. I truly feel scared of taking responsibility and having an impact of my decisions on my family, yes I fear failure and their suffering, but then am I not already taking the responsibility right now? Am I not dragging it like a load on me and feeling burdened. What if I try a risk and its turns out good.? Why am I not considering that situation too? I am not living, instead I’m just living. Its not that bad as it sounds when I write it, but if you look at in the long term it is. If i keep killing my believe in myself and my creativity and that I can be different and simply life on the safer edge then what will become of me 5 years from now? I have to start somewhere. I know I’m better than this and I’m special to make it big, but I will have to be sensible and bold enough to take the first step.
But then there’s also this fear of people hurting me if I trust them. I feel vulnerable for myself, for protecting my family and to keep this fear from surfacing I automatically become super rude and stone type. I don’t trust people easily, I don’t like anyone coming to my house, I don’t trust men, especially strangers and workers type. I feel scared of something I don’t know. Maybe I should expect the best, now, from everything and every situation.
I want to start from a clean slate, like kids, with nothing on my mind only happiness and fun. Can I ?