I am a very straight and uncomplex person (or atleast try to be). I like to have a plan and then it to work(which dosen’t happen much). It gives me relief in knowing, knowing where I am, where I want to be, how to get there, knowing more about myself and being clear of what’s in my head and heart. But all times are not same.
Sometimes, it takes me days to find out what’s in my mind, sometimes I just know it all without effort. At times there is heart involved and then I need to know where and how to balance it all. Yes, being simple is not so uncomplex and simple after all.
The days that my head and heart get totally exhausted over is when ‘its all mixed up’, feelings, facts, ideas, responsibility, dreams, desire. You cannot separate one form the other and then I am so lost. I speak to myself. I try to figure it out.
Like today, I was all happy in the morning and now I feel a little sad ( i didn’t want to type that and make it a fact, but it is a fact). I am tied between why, and how and why not. I know I’m doing good and even like the feeling of it, but then who is questioning me if this is what my heart set out to do? Why does it feel like I’m betraying what my heart wants?
Knowing the future is for no one to say, but seeing the present and making sense of it should be easy. It all just started with someone saying that I have put on lot of weight and now all these mixed feelings with no reason to appear are surrounding me. How can something so small make me so upset. I have been dreading hearing that and have finally heard it. I need a plan now, but how and where? Things need to be in place, inp place in my head. Feeling sleepy and drowsy and the words are now blurring.
Am at work and cannot sleep. Maybe some coffee will help.