That’s the song I’m listing to right now, ‘If I saw you in heaven’
I’m in office and it all seems such a drag. Its been happening since last 2 days i think. I’ve been feeling sluggish and draggy and I’ve been pulling myself and telling me to wake up and live properly, but see its times like these that make you feel you have no control over yourself and how you feel. I would like to believe that ‘I control myself’ but I don’t believe it. Not right now.
What’s with me? nothing! Actually that’s what’s up with me ‘NOTHING AT ALL’. Everything is going on and on and nothing is happening or maybe I’m not feeling it. I’m missing something so much. Something, I don’t know what.
Maybe I should join the gym again and this feeling is particularly too strong right now as I’m wearing a top that is started to feel tight and uncomfortable and I can see my stomach bulging when I sit and all this wasn’t there a month n half ago. Hmmph! Just noticed that almost every post about my life does include something about my body am I obsessed, yes I think, too much thinking of how to get perfect. I also agree I don’t like too much of what I see in the mirror. I deserve better, I am better. It matters to me. I don’t want to accept myself with a bulging stomach and thunder thighs. I want to see slim toned legs and arms, flat toned stomach. I should stop, totally got carried away.
Why this lame, nothing feeling comes over?? I just want to tell it to ‘F*** off! coz all it does it makes me feel low and self-pity. This self pity thing does get to me, it makes me feel like I’m a little puppy standing in the middle of a buzzing street, ready to be beneath the wheels anytime and all people are walking around, no one is even noticing me. Its horrible. I go back to times and my mind drags all my pitiable states and I am on the verge of crying. Sometimes even simple things trigger this, like one time my sis went out with few friends and I didn’t go on purpose and she came back flashing a tattoo, something that I had been wanting for so long and then I started crying. Literally! Everytime I see I don’t get something I have worked hard for/ deserve and someone else gets it, I am crying. I want what should be mine. Once I even cried about why our financial condition was so bad (after dad) and my cousin’s were well off. It bugs me.
‘ Why Not’ by Hillary Duff
I think I’m the compulsively occupied type person, I need to occupied and not think. Sometimes I get so consumed with some idea that I start believing that that’s what I want. Many times I feel like I’m not living enough. There’s this emptiness around me. I need to do something, for myself mostly. Sometimes, what I should and shouldn’t gets so to my head that I stop thinking on my own. Its like someone laid out a guidebook that you should do this or that, and I feel the need to follow it. Maybe the responsibility of taking ownership is what I fear or am not ready for.
I feel scared and so vulnerable. Its difficult to let loose and be me. There’s a doubt about myself. I feel like anyone can take advantage if I open up and show who I am. Why do I feel so vulnerable? Not sure but I think it all started when we started to live with mom while dad was away. Mom and we kids were here while dad was on job and would visit every few months. The realtives told you how dangerous this could be if someone knew we were living alone. They might try to take advantage. We live alone still. But now what I see myself doing is keeping closed and shut. Especially around people I find suspicious especially males/workers/drivers/plumbers type people. When someone comes into our house for any repair work, I feel like they should not get to know we have no male member in family. I become so weird. I feel scared. I want them to go away. Don’t come to my house. I hate it!
Now I was hoping some writing would make me feel better but this is all getting to the scary spaces in my head. I better leave now.
‘There you’ll be” from Pearl Harbor.