The weekend was good people. Lets see
I did start with my swimming lessons that I have been talking about for so long, but (yes there’s a ‘but’ to it) I reached in middle of the class when half the time had gone. Thanks to my mom, who wouldn’t find my atm card on Friday evening so that we could buyour swimming costumes, I searched the whole house and she sat there asking me of options what if it were lost. She didn’t even try beyond her thinking and kept on blaming her bad memory. So lame. At the end of the night we didn’t find it and so after all the yelling and calling her ‘useless’ and other mean things I tried to calm myself and went to bed, only to dream more on finding the card. Ya, I get obsessed with doing it right and right now. Anxiety + panic. That’s me! Need something to calm ny nerves.
Then on the next morning I tried to relax and find the card again and I found it. Where? Inside the pages of a diary kept beside the computer. Who does that? Keeping your source of money inside diaries? My mom does and she forgets about it too.
Finally we got ready and moved out for some swim shopping. We headed to the mall where as I expected there was only expensive stuff. Now I wouldn’t have minded it if it was in the budget I had created, but my mom settled on a piece that was costing me both our budgets included. I said ‘no’ and saw the disappointment on her face. Now I know how difficult it is to saw no to your kids when you can’t afford something they want.
We moved on to a cheaper market and my mom sulked as we bought some less expensive stuff. By this time we had only 30 minutes to reach the class that was atleast 45 min away. We finally reached and my mom (still sulking) said me to go ahead and that she would not come in the water. I felt bad. I encouraged her that its cold nice water. She love water and especially after her menopause and all the heat pangs. Ooops! too much detail there. Anyways!
So she finally joined me in the water and we both looked nice in cute floral swimwears.
Btw this is the first time I have worn a swimsuit and it looked ok. It wasn’t the actual V type one, but the one which has a small skirt attached to it to cover the V rat and some of the things. It was still very much shorter than mini skirts I wear for clubbing.
We didn’t learn much apart from trying to hold your breath in the water and letting go slowly. But still it was fun. By the time we took a shower, changed and got out it was late (I knew this before I took the classes so I’m not complaining). Everyone else moved to their cars and drove away, while me and mom walked the silent, broad, yellow-light road to the bus stop. It was quite lonely and only a handful of people were on the road. The buses came and went as we waited. I felt insecure and scared. Isn’t this how you read in newspapers about incidents happening, standing on lonely road, late in night, waiting for bus. My heart was pounding and i kept repeating to mom that we’re taking an auto from next time; No saving money at risk of our lives.
We reached home safe and I wished we had a car to drive around easily and safely. In my mind the fight between ‘ease of having a car’ and ‘the responsibility of owning a car’ was going on.
This has been happening to me for a while now. The word ‘Responsibility’ makes my head spin and make me cringe in a corner and my heart crying out ‘I’m still a child, I can’t do this, how will I?’ . Yes, I am scared that I cannot lead this family, I am not grown up enough, I don’t have the experience for it. I haven’t been able to say yes to a vacation because I see myself trying to take care of this family and that scares me. What if I fail? What if something goes wrong? I wouldn’t be able to deal with it. I can’t stake being broken down when I don’t have the faith that I will pull myself together. I wish we had someone to guide us. Some support. Whatever god is trying to make me learn, I’m running away and I don’t know how to face this. The ‘What if’s’ are too distracting to even try and somewhere I feel I’m not ready to take care of others and need so much care myself.
On Sunday, mom suggested me to join her to this new thing she had found about, its a community based on principles of Buddhism and they have chanting and meetings and sharing problems and praying for each other. I was little curious to know about it and agreed to go. There was a annual day event and they danced and shared experiences and talked about why we are in distress and so selfish. I liked the idea. Some meditation would do me good and clear my head. I might join. Although in my head I kept thinking of how many good guys are going to be there in my area meeting. I might join. The reasons may be half wrong but its worth a try. Also then I’m thinking of if I start how long will this go on, people there were into it for 8-9 years and I cannot see myself sticking to something for that long. I don’t know. If I give up without starting I wouldn’t know would I. I’ve heard faith comes where you seek it? I’m looking for it. Are you there? I must find out.
The Sunday evening got me really worked up and restless, I wanted to do so many things and there was nothing to do right now. I wanted to pay of my debt and get a new nice cheaper house and ask for the car, get slim and sexy. Nothing to do right now. I felt like someone had stopped the time clock of life and I could see the good in ahead time and wanted the damn clock to move. Then I settled on finish reading a book and that held me down. Sometimes I grow so restless, its like everything needs to happen now or never. And although this was the last thing about the weekend it somehow seemed right title for this post. Maybe it was the last thing I had in mind. Not important right? I know!
I think I need peace. I worry too much. Chanting might do some good.
What do you think?