If you’re feeling a little confused about why am I talking the past weekend, that now on a mid week day seems to be long gone and everyone has started making plans for the coming weekend already, including me, so lets say I just wanted to take this off my mind. ‘This’ here refers to all the thinking and confusion that happened or maybe I created, last weekend.
We went clubbing on Saturday and I kindof thought (not felt) that maybe, what if, could it be that I had feelings for my-friend. He was driving and I was sitting next to him, and I looked at him and suddenly this thought came to my mind. Fuck!! why did this pathetic thought come anyway. Fuck! Then later at night while at ‘Manre’, this guy (sis’ friends’ husband) who had met me and friend only 2nd time asked me that when were we planning to get married. I politely clarified that we were just good friends and he said that that was the best of all things, to be friends. I laughed off the marriage question but didn’t look at friends face. Wonder what his expression would have been. Then when we came back home I asked sis’ friend who was staying at our place (not the married one) that when anyone saw me and friend together then did we seem like we’re together? and she said ‘Yes’ with a very sad+ugly expression.
Fuck! shit! I thought.
So all was okay till Monday came in, where we celebrated sis’ birthday with friends and family.
School pal and me:
I mentioned that we met our school days friend. She used to be very kind, very sweet and very fat. Literally! And now since the past 2 years she has squeezed up, no she has actually made such a transformation that in-spite of being happy for her I also feel jealous. She now has what any fat person has always dreamed of, the perfect body. Skinny legs, slim waist, toned arms and great hair(this was always there). I on the other hand as some of you might know, used to be a total bombshell in school, however I was ignorant of the fact, and now am always more on the chubby side, I do try to get back the body of my famous and glorious days but at even a yet young and lively age of 23 I am always drooping onto being chubby and always with few extra inches. I was enjoying the party and all but I couldn’t help from time to time looking at her and how great her body looked as compared to earlier. Now we’ve been good friends for a long time, but there is a sense on uneasy and consciousness that has come with my chubbiness. I really wanted to ask her about how she put off all that fat but couldn’t. It felt almost embarrassing and that surprises me coz hello she has been my friend since school times and I now think maybe that is the problem. I feel conscious coz I know she has seen me in my best looking days and today I am not that anymore.
I mentioned earlier about this friend(rather only friend) of mine who was talking about moving to another city as his job might require that and then listening to all that I was a bit upset kind of but all okay.
Trouble in my mind:
Then later on Monday when celebrating sis’ birthday with friends, we had sat around for quite sometime and he had to leave so I walked him to his car and came back. Now only sis and her friends were left. I came back and started feeling all out of place andeventually sad. It does happen that I don’t feel at place with her friends, but it was more than that,it was kind of lost feeling, like you’re sitting somewhere amongst a goup of people and thinking about what are you doing here. This weird feeling kept growing and bothering me till I noticed that my face was all sulking and looked sad. We met with my family and aunt’s family and my cousin, who’s way younger than me, immediately pointed that I looked sad. I told her something was troubling me but didn’t know what. she tried her best to help me out, but to no use. I miss ‘S’ at such times, she was so efficientwith helping find what was troubling me, she used to sit with me and ask about all the things that happened today and all the thoughts that came to my mind. Anyways, so I didn’t even feel like eating even after knowing that I was to pay for dinner. I went to the terrace and called my friend(the one who was to be leaving the city) and then spoke to him about my anxiety andstuff. At one point I thought I kind of have feelings for him and had almost on the verge of asking/telling him that. Ewww.. what’s wrong with my mind, why is there so much mindfucking type things happening?
I spoke to him for sometime and then after discussing how I was feeling like all the walls were closing in, and how I didn’t feel good about my job and exhausting myself and coming to a conclusion that I was thinking too much about too many thing i said goodbye and resumed to dinner.
So I’m still not sure what triggered the ‘maybe I have feelings for friend’ thinking, but I’m guessing it was the whole he will be leaving the city stuff. Maybe I was confusing going-to-miss-my-friend with other stuff. Weird!! And thank god I know now that I don’t have feelings for friend. He’s nice guy and all but not my type. Thank god!
And all that chaos in my head has settled down. I don’t know how and why, but it has.
Peace for sometime aleast!