Its weird! I feel like smoking . Why?? No clue.
Well my history with nicotine has been fairly short and not-sweet. The first time I tried it when I was in college around 2nd year and with two other gal pals who were very excited and wanted some thrill in life(one is now not on talking terms and the other one is call once in months terms). So we headed out with this group of guys(the only decent guys in our class) and asked them to buy us some and we all lit them and learnt how to pull the drag in and out. The guys weren’t regulars as well so there was some coughing here and there, but we did learn and then they dropped us at our place, PG to be precise, and we like the thrill so such that we went ahead and got 2-3 more and smoked in our room and later complained about headache and bad breath.
Next time I and the other friend(not on talking terms anymore) starting smoking when she started dating this ‘loser-guy’, whom I had introduced her to. He worked with me at the call center that I was working to pay for my living as I had left the college hostel inspite of paying the fees and my mom was furious and said she wouldn’t actually coudn’t pay for me for the rest of the year. So I joined this call center that paid fairly well for a beginner and had no terms like graduates only, but they did make you work your ass off, we had regular 10 hours shift and I landed up not going to college for a month-n-half straight with the risk of having to sign a bond to be allowed to give exams and stating I will pull up the attendance in next semester but then there was this college strike that existed too long and attendance was not counted for anyone, it was the first time I felt lucky in that place (college). Anyways, so ‘loser-guy’ joined sometime after me and he seemed cool. I started talking to him and he talked about ‘that-cd-in-my-car’ and ‘dope’ and ‘my-friends’ and I was impressed; by0the-way that doesn’t work on me anymore, I know you’re not trying but still harmless update you know. So my friend joined the place in hope to make some green and I introduced them and they clicked instantly. He was a regular smoker and it seemed so cool thing to do so me and friend also started it just for fun. Then I found myself trying to smoke as much as I could whenever I was troubled or had mind-fucking stuff going on with my ex. It(cigarettes) didn’t help me but it seemed cool so I continued for a year till I realised that it was so fake of me trying to act cool. The drags didn’t do anything for me, I wasn’t addicted or anything so I took a new year resolution to drop smoking completely, not even on clubbing days. So I did leave it completely and bragged about it also. My friend is now addicted I hear.
I think ever since the resolution I have only taken a drag 3-4 times, mind it ‘drag’ not entire roll, sounds like bragging?? ..maybe but its true.
Now since a few days I feel like taking a drag, please don’t ask what is this ‘feel-like’ thing, all I can say is sometimes you ‘feel-like’, like when you feel-like its a Friday on a Tuesday (happened yesterday, maybe it was month end that’s why). And then I’ve been avoiding the ‘feel-like’ feeling because its not a good thing right and I keep telling my friends to quit and sometimes brag about myself quitting it also. So why this ‘feel-like’ came anyways? Feeling like guilty-judgemental-insane-person.
So finally I’m deciding I want to take a drag or cigarette but don’t know where how?
My home is completely no-no, reason a)my mom will be completely freaked out and maybe bring this up until I die b)will set a wrong example for my little brother; 9 years younger but now taller that me c)I don’t want to take it up regularly, so why bother the people who care for me. Right?
My office is also no-no, reasons a)people will immediately term me as spoilt-slut-type, which I’m so not b) I can’t spoil my impression over a one day feel-like thing c) again its not a regular thing, so why give the wrong impression, which I know for sure lasts more than any good thing you’ve done.
Anywhere else, where? a)I don’t go anywhere and smoking alone is not my thing,even if its few drags. b) I don’t meet up with friends coz I don’t have many (3-4) c) the friends that I have will not travel in the traffic and come to meet me on weekday coz i feel-like taking a few drags.
So now what? If I’m lucky someone might join me out for coffee else, well, I don’t know.