then things like ‘heart-burning’ usually happen. No seriously, you could see the fumes if you read minds or hearts or something!
I have been a rebel since childhood, a conclusion I’ve come to after years of listing all my childhood stories being of ‘not-listening-to-anyone and being-ill-tempered-and-spoiled-brat’. Come on, for how many years can my parents lie! Forever! Naah..
So coming back to being a rebel. I think I saw the signs /symptoms (people think its a disease, at least my parents do talk like that) when I was in boarding school and I would break as many rules I could within the limit that I wouldn’t be spanked (not literally, but yes hit by a scale on your knuckles..it hurt!). I do remember not doing such breaking-rules stuff on purpose, it came very naturally to me. Mostly I think was because I didn’t understand the logic behind them and I continue not to do anything I don’t understand till date. Dunno if that’s a good or bad thing though?
So ya, that’s when it started and took pace when I moved to home with mom in my i-hate-my-family-and-only-my-friends-will-be-my-family phase. Then I did have lot of issues with my mom and mostly because of boys. Now don’t form opinions here, just read on okay! It was not because I was making out with boys(which I did but quite late) or bunking my school or failing my exams, it was all because I was talking to boys. I was in a girls school and so we didn’t have any he’s-my-classmates excuses, so the question came ‘How do you know these boys?’ which let me tell you were only a handful. 😉 Our usual answer was tuition and that was not acceptable at all. Why are you talking to boys you don’t know? Well, only if I talk to them will I know them. You are getting distracted from your studies. Hello! my marks are good as ever. And I now know that I wasn’t mad to give those back-answers coz they were all right. It is normal for teenage girls to like boys and want to know them and spend time and if possible explore too. But the thing is that I was a very sensible girl (believe me please) and I knew that I would never cross my limits. But my parents wouldn’t trust me as they knew I was the rule breaking one. Now that dosen’t mean I’ll jump off a hill to prove it okay.
Then came the time when I was in college and I broke many rules there too. But I don’t like to talk about all that. Not that I’m guilty or anything. I just don’t like that part. No comments.
And now I’m working and blah.. blah..blah.. (could’ve been major cribbing, so I saved you here!) and still I have so many questions that I don’t understand. Why be nice to pretend? Why do I have to look busy when I’m not? Why aren’t people what they actually are?
But with every passing day I see myself giving in to all these illogical things happening around. I don’t question too much and surrender to ‘have-to-do-anyways’ stuff. It makes you feel helpless. You see people around you, in your family, accepting these (weird) ways of life and going on about it and all you can think of is running away as far as you can. You want to talk to someone who understands your language and why you are saying whatever you are. Phew! And then you realize there’s no place to run to.
I still don’t understand though but somethings have become clear with time:
–sometimes you just have to do stuff, reason or no reason
—some questions have no answers, none at all
–when the future seems bleak just concentrate on the present, this really sucks!!
—your loved ones make you do things you’ve never even imagined , lying,crying, bitching..all sorta stuff
–the so called RULES around you just don’t make things easy
–being polite is a really nerve wrecking and hard work
all this seems like some philosophical shit, that has never done to anyone.
I’m still breaking rules even when I’m not doing anything, so why worry right? Maybe I could try breaking my own rules and boundaries someday.
PS: I started writing this post with something else in mind and it has totally landed into some other place. 🙂