I have been avoiding hearing the ‘you’ve put on weight’ comment(mean) but I have heard that from 2 people(apart from my family members) now so I think t might be true.
What happened to ‘the secret’?? I was only thinking of being slim and sexy and not -having-to-do-anything-but-still-stay-slim. Oh? Is that the problem? I was thinking ‘of staying sexy’ and not believing that I already am?? I don’t know.
Please teach me how to think that I have my perfect figure when I cannot fit into anything with ‘S’ size label and sometimes ‘M’ size labels fit but mostly jeans get stuck at mid-thigh and without my saying anything store helpers direct me to 30 and above waist size shelves. Please teach me !
Now I don’t want to go to gym. Why? I don’t know, I am again in under-panic-attack state. The thing is I take stuff so seriously, so if I go to gym then I do it almost religiously, like stop drinking, stop junk food(which I love) and stuff. I so need to balance it all out.
What’s with confidence and hair?? Mine was all very pretty and smooth yesterday and I admit I did lot of swooshing & hair flipping type yesterday, but today, just overnight they have gone limp, oily on the top that make me look like I haven’t taken a bath in days (well its just 1 day). Damn! I’m sulking in my seat, hoping to be invisible and time to fly and reach my going-home-time.
I want always good hair, shiny, silky smooth and voluminous and long and easy to style and un-damageable(is that a word?).
Also the ‘you’ve-put-on-weight’ comment isn’t helping.
Yesterday: Funny incident/ whatever you wanna call it.
We had this end of month birthday celebrations thing at office and I have joined the organising committee so we did a little preparation, like deciding a fun activity (musical chair was decided), pulling music for event, buying gifts for winners (I bought them) and packing gifts and all. It didn’t make me feel like I being here(this office) but it was ok. So we got it all set-up and no one turned up, out of 150 people not a single soul. Feelings like losers, terrible, we should leave and kill everyone starting emerging and then I decided to go and send reminder to people and then I thought why not request some people to join with their teams. So I went up to this guy (team lead i think) and requested, except that I think I sounded like I was threatening him. God!
Feeling funny thinking! Isn’t it funny? I so have to learn social behavior. Lol!
Also I want to drink and not put on weight. Is there anything (alcohol ) you know that doesn’t add numbers to your weighing scale or inches t your waist, no matter how much you drink it. Let me know if you know. Please don’t say water, even that makes me bloted!
I’ve been dying to go out party and have lots of fun, well atleast in my head I think it will be fun, unlike the last few times that I went to place I didn’t want to and sulked. So ya I would want to get drunk and meet some nice guy who says all good stuff and then I hope for nothing having any guilty feeling. Please I hate the guilty feeling, like I’ve cheated on my family by having fun while I still restrict them from some expenditures to save money.
I also had been crying a few days this week. Once it was fight with mom and then there was just this sick-feeling of being selfish and not wanting to live my life like I’m suffering by taking all family responsibility and not having a life of my own. bad feeling! very bad!
I wish my mind would just stop working at all. No really! I think I would be so happy if ws ignorant of what I want and how far I was from it all. I wish I was dumb but atleast happy, its lot better than not-dumb and unhappy.
Please God listen to me, I want to be HAPPY! Show me any sign, tell me what to do, what tell me, will ya?
And its strange to ask god for something on blog. I’ve stopped praying. Just don’t feel like. Its not like I don’t believe but am feeling disconnected to godly type feelings.
Also did go for the dance class on last Monday, but they wouldn’t let me join (something I was guessing) cozI had missed 4 classes and the batch was full. So I like and idiot registered for nex 3 months. It seems like a stupid thing to do coz you never know what might come up right, like I might want to do something else or maybe I’ll be moving to another city or better another country..yupeee~ no plans or scope yet though! Its just that I paid and am not doing nothing so..loser and stupid kind feeling are occupying me.
Freeze my mind please! No more useless non-stop thinking anymore please!