Its me saying these words and writing them too… me, the confident, fast learner, always responsible, sensible one. I thought I knew better and had become mature, but seems like the insecurities are only turning bigger and stronger. When did I stop loving myself and depending on others to do that. Yes, I’ve always wished to be more likable but that never made me less likable to myself. It seems like I’m not good enough even for myself.
And when did I become such a wuss? When did I start looking in the mirror and find myself not worthy of looking at? I was very popular in school and then in college I had a guy who almost worshiped me and now ..now i don’t find myself good enough. My face hasn’t changed but the body troubles me. I want a perfect body like I had in school. Why don’t have it now? I’m cribbing, yes. And its not like I’m not trying OK, I’ve tried healthy diet, gym and yoga and it does work a little(not got back my perfect)and then I realise that this is what I’ll have to forever, keep trying to get that body and how practical is that and I leave it.
Why can’t I get a perfect body and stay that way. Then maybe i would love to take up some activity and then it wouldn’t belike this burden on myself.
Currently I just can’t get over the fact that I see flesh when I look in the mirror. i want to be able to get into a shop and pick a small size. But what i don’t want is following crazy diets and gym regimes. Maybe coz it takes me a lot of time to see small chagnes and by then i give up.
Yes, I am smart and funny and frank and fun, but apart from the appearance there’s also a part of me that makes me doubt myself. I’m surrounded by technical geeks and I don’t like that stuff, I just do it for a living and then I don’t feel connected. Its like I’m missing on this big part of my life and the funny part is i can’t get out. I always feel like i should do something more that will make me more interesting…talk about inferiority complex. I understand that people learn more as they grow but the idea of me as a person and watching myself from he far is not very appealing. I feel like I haven’t got enough of personality of myself and that is why I’m not fun to be around.
Anyone who has masters the secret, please teach me too. I’m trying it out but these negative emotions keep popping up. Also I haven’t learnt how to ignore what you see everyday and believe in what you want. I don’t know what would make me believe, how do I find out? How do I ignore my current life and the emotions attached with it, when I see my balance going down how do i believe it is going up? Help me figure out if you know about this please. Coz i somehow believe that when i master the ‘secret law of attraction’ and how it works, then it will work.
I’m so confused right now and feel like an idiot. I don’t know what i want and all i see around myself is what i don’t want.
How do i get myself to love myself and feel more complete and me. Its getting to me, this whole burden of responsibilities and trying to find what i want (but not sure if i can follow that) is so getting to me.
I need a friend, someone who doesn’t judge me and gives me advice that actually works.
I need to control my life but something is so missing and its tearing me apart from within..
I’m also not very sure of if I should post this, coz as per the secret whatever we put out there comes back to us. So when I say/write that I feel pathetic then the universe will bring more situations where i feel like this. But keeping so much bottled up inside me is not helping either.