There is a time when you feel everything around you is unreal. Like you’re living inside a movie set, pretending to live a life, see the things and do the stuff, that actually exists outside the boundaries of this set. There’s a feeling of it all being a lie, a lie you’re living, maybe by choice or not, but it is not the REAL THING.
These are desperate times.
If I talk about my love life, which by-the-way only includes me at the moment, I am definitely on the edge of it. I have been hating relationships for a long time now, laughed at every ‘so-in-love-couple’ , criticized every thing that I once did and said, called it a trap a million times and thanked god and myself that it was over for me and I was free.
But now, I want to be with someone.
Yes, after talking all about ‘you don’t need anyone else to be happy’ and ‘you don’t have to depend on anyone else’, I am agreeing that it would be nice to have some nice guy in my life. Not that I want to loose my independence or anything, but the idea that someone cares for you and loves you is very tempting.
I so need to re-think my definition for ‘independent’.
I want to have my self-time and love and respect myself, but then I also want someone else to feel special about me . Someone who i can have a good time and share my bad times with. Its the not-so-good times that make you feel you’re missing something and someone. It is difficult to face the harsh truths alone. And even when I strongly believe that I can live by myself and be happy but I can’t deny that having someone by your side will make it a lot more fun and easy.
Another part of my life is ‘what I do for a living’, I hate to call it career, as a career for me would include real passion, something that is so connected to me and something I will be happy to do all my life. That is so not where I am right now. I’m waiting for that point in my life to come where I can no more wait. Its just that I am not there yet. I’m travelling a road that will lead me to that crossroad but I can’t see how far have I reached yet. I need to reach that crossroad where I will have to decide and that decision will carry me to where I want to be.
Sometimes I wish I could just make it all change right now, everything the way I want it.
I know I can, but right now? No. I’m just finding ways to make this easy.
But I can’t stop myself from thinking that time is passing, every day, every week, this is my life passing me by.
This is very similar to my shopping habit, when I like something or think of buying something, I usually put a time tag on it, like ‘I’m gonna buy this when i am thin and slim’ , ‘ when i get my next salary’ or ‘when I saved … amount’ and then when the time comes to finally buy it, its either outdated, too common, not available anymore or not appealing anymore. I’m waiting to get what I want and the waiting is a drag.
There are dreams waiting for me to make them true and then there is this reality that wakes me up every morning breaking my dream. I leave them behind only to be continued…
Desperate to be not so desperate today!