I have always been a fan of Valentine’s day and ever since school always found ways to make a big deal out of it. In school, I saved up money for months to buy a gift for my boyfriend, I hoped for the perfect valentine and in my head put all these notions that were not true. In college again, even though I was in a much mature relationship, I made a big deal and wanted to be treated like a princess. Its not wrong to want to be treated well, but the idea that ‘this day will decide your love for each other’ is wrong.

Its not like my ex-boyfriends (only 2) have not showed they loved me or pampered me enough, but there has always been this greed to show off my love or how much he cares, to my friends to this world, like i needed to prove that this was real and he actually does love me that’s why he bought me this gift, made my valentine so special. I wanted everyone to see that this was real, maybe i wanted to make myself believe it too. 

Somewhere along I hadn’t been convinced myself. I felt in a compromised situation, maybe feeling of I should get a better guy than him (especially the 2nd relationship) and not that I didn’t love him enough, just that he couldn’t make me feel loved enough, so i was looking for ways to make him do things that would make me feel loved.

I still find Valentine’s Day very tempting. The gifts, the roses and all those compliments. There is still a part of me that wants to show how much I am loved, like it isn’t enough for me to know.

But one thing I am changing in my mind right now, this day alone cannot tell me how much I am loved or not. I will not depend on this day only to feel loved and cared for. I want him (yet to find) and myself to make me feel how worthy I am in everyway and everyday. I will love myself so much that when someone else does it I can believe it is true and will last beyond this day too.

I’m hoping ‘F’ does get in touch with me soon. 🙂

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Filed under dreams, feelings, life, love, personal, random, realtionships, secrets, thoughts

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