In the last class we celebrated his farewell by cutting a cake( someone had got it) and he spend his valuable time with us by trying to teach more and more of dance and tell of what he feels and what we should feel when we dance. Yes, there were again couple of accidental hand touches and all, but I’m out of details here so lets leave it. I did admire him but not so much in ‘i want’ kind of way and there might be another reason to it (this which you can read about in my next blog after this one).
At the end of the class he cut the cake, said many good things about us and like everyone i also made him eat a piece of the cake, put some on his face, he gave me a side hug and i wished him all the best and see you soon. then I repeated the above mentioned acts (especially received a side hug) and now feel totally stupid about it and then asked him the question that I had been framing in my mind for over a week ‘You are on face-book right?’ and he said ‘yes’, so that was an official yes to an unasked question i.e ‘can i add you on facebook’ and then he announced to the entire class to ‘be connected’ . I reached home and sent him the add to my friends request. he accepted the other day and i went through his profile and pictures and saw his update that he ‘has finally reached mumbai’ . That’s it.
After much of using the compose message, backspace, delete and again compose message, I did send him a message only asking how was the new place.
Its clear to me, I like him and adore him but I know I will not be with him, not becausehe left and will come after 2 months but the thing that I have for him is actually ‘trying to fill what i have missed on’ feeling. In college and school, I had boyfriends but not so good looking or great personality, I have always been the overshadowing one and for once i had wished that someone better than me ( at least in looks) would fall for me. I was hoping to feel something that no longer holds any importance in my life, something that I understand now and didn’t then and now I know that that cannot be the reason you want to be with someone. But i would like to be his friend still.
So I’m letting go as i write these words and come to the reality where I need and want to live.