I met him yesterday again and i even touched his hand when i hit him with the door and ran off without saying sorry (of-course unintentionally!). I waited in the class warm-up to see him come in and join us. He came andi watched him. When he’s around i keep looking at him, my eyes were moving with him and to him. When we were practicing the dance andas usual that being my favourite part I had moved to the first row(just behind him) and i kept looking at him in the mirror. I love to observe him talk, move, the way his facial expressions change, how cute he looks and then i realized i was all smile :). I had to look to my toes and remind myself where i was and then i looked up again to see him. I am good at staring at him, i look at him in a way that it seems i am observing the dance and techniques he talking about, yes i do listen to all that, but i also admire him, try to take in as much as i can to remember till i see him again.
But i haven’t found a way to talk to him. He knows my name and i know his, but that’s it. I actually haven’t interacted to him one on one even as an instructor-student way, so how am i supposed to get ahead of that? He’s been busy and as i mentioned earlier he left early last time and even yesterday. he politely said sorry and said he would talk to us after next class, yes us, there was a bunch of class waiting to talk to him.
I reached home all the way just thinking about him. I was missing him already. But suddenly it felt painful. I questioned myself was i good enough for him. Although i am not aware of the kind of person he is but even then i know he would be very nice and i give him very high standards for that. Now even i’m not a bad person, but am i good enough for him? Yes, looks do pull my confidence down here, I know that many good looking (better than me) girls keep falling for him and asking him out. I also think that i don’t feel very high about myself in this case, which has never happened earlier. I always was better than the guys i went out with and mostly had the idea ‘i can get whomever i want’. But now i am questioning myself and its difficult to reason yourself to being good enough. I know myself and more than anything i know my flaws too and now i am counting my good points and trying not to think of bad ones.
I always make fun of girls who completely loose their self worth after boys and if not loosing, then i am somehow questioning my self worth and i don’t like this idea at all.
Oh, if only this would be simple. I want to get to know him. And he fascinates me like no one else has, will this ever be true. It hurts to think it won’t and i can’t see how it will either. I only hope he likes me and wants to know me too, because i don’t have the strength and confidence to go after him and get my hopes broken.
But I’ll tell you this, its hurting already.
I think i need to take this more lightly and not think so much about it else it wil become an obsession. i just deleted his pic from my pc (ok i did look at it for 5 minutes before deleting). I wanted to enjoy this and I do, but when the thought of will it be true comes it not fun no more.
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