It has taken a lot of thinking and courage for me to convince myself to write this blog.. n even now with my throat choking i’m thinking of not to write it.. but i feel i have to say it out.. atleast somewhere..
I lost my dad 6 years back, it was an unfortunate and unrepairable loss..i saw him fighting a disease(liversirosis) for 1 entire year..n lost him to it…during that entire year i was in a some state of mind dat i can’t even describe. I was not happy neither sad, i didn’t cry(just 1nce i thnk) n didn’t feel nyhtn, i was numb.. just doing all i had to without much of thinking..i didn’t know where all this would lead us..but i felt alone… mainly because my dad was the one person who was always on my side , whether i was right or wrong, he raised me like a princess and everyone knew he loved me the most amongst my siblings…he was my strenght, my backbone and (now i realize)so important in my life…..
During his last few months(can’t belive im sayn this), his condition got really bad, he was now on complete bed rest, couldn’t even move, had bed sore and was constantly screaming with pain.. it was so hard for all of us but i never felt it, jus didn’t feel anything. Everytime i think of that time my eveys fill up, my heartrate goes down and i cry…cry out my heart for not taking that pain away from him,, for not saying how much he meant to me…n not being there when he called for me the last time..
I have tears in my eyes when i think of him and how i wish i could see him again, it took me so much time to realize he was gone(maybe coz he was away for his job for few years) and i stil feel he is around.. but that physical presence is not there.
I know i have to go in life without him. but i will work hard to pove that his upbringing was the best and made a good human being out of me.