Not that I’m not happy for them, but really how?? A few girls from my school who used to be fat fat and now they look like stick thin and well kept like they have always been that way. They are stylish and no one could ever say they could’ve been different before.

A few girls from my college were also really fat and looked like mother of 2-3 children, and now they had the perfect curves as looked so nice.

So I was wondering.. is it just people I knew or is everyone getting thin and fabulous???

I have taken to it (this event) as a inspiration and have kept some goals for myself. If they could do it then i bloody well can too. I mean I have wanted to change since a lot of years and now that they have done it, I want to get over with it too. Not to show them, but for myself, for my fitter and healthier life, for my feeling good and loving what I see in the mirror, for a regret free area in my life.

I will !

So here’s trying to keep it simple this year …

1. Reach my ideal weight 53 kgs by mid year i.e June 2012. It is less than 10 kg,s from what I weight right now. But I need this for myself. I have shown some great dedication over the last few months and I hope to keep that enthusiasm alive. Point to remember is, it feels good to be in control and work on yourself. Also, Im no good for others as long as im not happy with myself.

2. Go Onsite. This is long overdue. I have been dreaming about going to New York for over 3 years now, but I am ready to any other part of the world too and this year this will be achieved.

3. Find my purpose (s) in life. I need to find where my heart is coz that is what will take me to my purpose. I will spend some time on this and if not reach the absolute answer at least i will keep searching for it. Reading will be part of this journey.

4. Get over my fear, at least one. My fear of taking responsibility. I am already doing it, but still when a time comes to take a decision I back out and leave it. I need to come to terms with this fear. I am already responsible so why not try to own it completely. A part of this will be to take some loans 9for various reason) which I am scared of.

5. Travel. I have been dying to do this. I need to see the world. I want to travel around. At least 3 trips need to be planned / unplanned will also do. (onsite is not included).

6. Finish my novel. It is high time. I have started it but since no deadline comes with me I keep going at a very slow pace. I need to complete it before mid year. there it is June 2012 is the official deadline.

7. Make new friends – I suck at this but I have to open up. I need this a lot.

8. Save money. Again something I completely ignore. This will take care of lot of my issues, so stop avoiding and start saving.

9. Do some soul searching. This will help me in so many ways. I need to look within for everything I look outside for. I know I can find the answers within me, what I need to do is focus and be determined that I want to find them. Its no more optional now.

10. Charity – this has been on my list forever and I haven’t done anything about it, but this year it will be done. In whatever way and form I will begin this.

11. Learn something New. A language / an art / anything. Something new and obviously it has to come from my heart. I need to be connected to it and not for the sake of it or the outwardly reasons. For hearty reasons.

12. Keep my expectations from other low. It is the reason for hurting ourselves and i need to learn to not expect much from others.

Let this year be about mind and soul! and that will take of everything else I guess.

Edited.. also on way back from gym today (after 2 weeks) I had a thought.. ‘lets keep life simple.’ I will try this and not complicate things more than what they are… you know.. why did that friend not  call? what does that person mean by saying this to me? what if this… what if that…leave it alright! let it be! just see the things as they are and work on things important to me in this list… let the rest rest!

Am I doing anything creative with this time, well, not yet, the last two weeks I have been sleeping a lot, watching tv, listening to music little and then writing a little. Also a little study.

I had thought about getting enrolled for a course but it seems irrelevant right now.

An important document is what I wait for and somehow many things depend on it. I can wait. I am ok at waiting only if this mind stops buzzing and giving me unnecessary tension.

I don’t know why I stopped workouts. I know, i was lazy and its damn cold. But i am going to start tomorw morning. I need to get up and do something.

This phase.. will end soon and I know that something better is out there for me.  I only need to stop being so lazy.

Also some messages were exchanged with The Boss over the past 2 weeks and last 2 days a lot of messages, they were all general life philosophy type stuff only. Then he thinks I can be my own guide and don’t need him, I said goodbye with a sad feel but I know there is some connection between us (apart from the same birthday ).  I leave it to higher powers to decide our fate. I am ok with whatever it be.

this is just a phase… before the real things happen.

I were my last  few days in the office and I had been literally running after The Boss to give me sometime to talk to him, he did give me time but like his true self he opened the conversation on a topic he assumed I had come to talk about i.e career and then carried on with his preaching (which are quite interesting and I like to hear and not interfere as I feel like I’m getting to know a little part of him a little better) and then he very conveniently closes the conversation also, without even asking if the other person has anything more to add.

I knew I could leave without letting him know how  I felt and telling him to his face was out of question because I am always so tongue tied in front of him. A night before my last day in office, I sat down and wrote him a letter, yeah very old fashioned I know, but this letter was not an instant pouring of emotions. I had been writing these notes in my phone and saving them. I would write them during my morning meetings in office , which I was hardly interested in because I knew I was leaving, I would write them on the way back home in cab, when I was staying late in office hoping to meet him. Finally a four page letter was written and I kept it on my bed to collect in the morning. When I left in the morning I forgot it at home, of course typical me. For a moment I thought God did not want me to give him those letters, but then I decided otherwise.

I went to the office, waited for him to come and then I pinged him saying I needed his 5 minutes, I needed to give him something, he asked what I told him something I wrote and he asked if it was the career thing he had told me about, I told him he will know when he reads it but he has to promise not to open it until after office , after I leave. He promised. He said I could come now but I wasn’t ready with the letter which I had to rewrite again.

I took some blank sheets and popped into an empty meeting room and then got down to it. The 4 sheets came pretty close to the original ones. I folded into an envelope and went to meet him.

The 5 minutes went onto 30 minutes. He talked about so many things, his life, what he’s trying to do, what he thinks of his past life, its all too complicated to write here but someway i could understand him. He also mentioned that earlier in our conversations he had mentioned some of the topic he took today, because they were meant to be talked about only when the person in front of him was understanding him and what he was saying. So he admitted that he felt I was understanding him thoughts and stuff he said.

After the conversation I was doubtful if I should hand him the letter or not, but keeping the fear away i gave them to him and said my final bye and shook hands (i initiated).

after reaching home it was almost 2 hours after work, I didn’t feel like going to gym and just sat in the quilt. I messaged him if he had read it yet. After about 15minutes I got his call. I jumped from the bed. The first thing he asked was if I was officially out of the organisation (client) I said yes now I am not professionally linked to them anyways, then he said he was relieved that he can talk to me like a friend. He said he appreciated everything and he had a laugh over how I was keeping an eye on him, he expressed that I should think of writing something, he said it made him feel good that such pure feelings still exist and he also said that I should not keep myself from moving ahead and be happy.

He was so friendly, a completely different tone than what I have heard earlier.

I asked him to keep the sheets with him as I will take them back from him someday.

It felt good. He called. He could have ignored. This swept away all the feelings of being ignored and hurt that I would feel everytime he didn’t respond to me. It was closure to me.

And also he said he would help and guide and mentor if I wanted his help.

I was so happy!! It felt like the perfect end to a perfect crush.

I make a friend, we talk a lot, hang out a lot and then I can sense the guy kind of falling for me and I don’t see him that way, because we are friends remember and that is why I talk to you so much and hang out with you, and then I start to be awkward and sometimes even think of maybe we could be together but never say it and I keep contemplating whether this can be a thing or not while I know it in my head and heart that there is no point coz he’s my friend and he knows too much about me already and I don’t feel that way about him and starting from here would be like a building over a graveyard with the graves of all my details that I have shared with him coz he was my friend. And I know that anything casual will not be possible coz it would ruin the good friend I have in him and I know I can’t handle casual coz I would be too awkward.

The first time all this happened was with A and at that time I was in the getting over the ex phase, and that time I didn’t realize what was happening until it all got messed up.

But now with N, I can see it happening, I can see him giving me sweet compliments and leaning on my shoulder as we watch a movie and touch my hair while we sit in the car and talk.

I don’t know how to stop this. Should I stop talking to him?  I would become distant and loose my friend. Should I stop meeting him often? He’s my only friend left and who else will I go out with?

I am selfish, but I can’t go through all that again. It gets too bad.

I want to be friends with him and enjoy but not let this sweetness build into anything else, coz I know myself, I couldn’t go ahead with this, I just can’t!

And you know what the worst part is? Last time, it ended with me losing my friend, now we are in touch but he doesn’t care for me and I hurt over it for almost a year. I can’t take that again. Just to console myself, I will be leaving the country soon..but how soon is that I don’t know yet.

What do I do?

I know I’m being dramatic. But this is real. I do feel these things right now, although not the intensity of level that I’ve written but still.

I was so excited about talking to The Boss and this week I had been chatting with him once atleast everyday. He was responding much and more easily now. I was happy and had planned that maybe by this week I will get him to share his phone number and then next week we will exchange a few messages on cell and then next week talk on his cell and then finally meet and date. Well, all in my head ofcourse.

So yesterday I was in office and couldn’t chat with him at all because I had so much work. Then later in the evening I was him if he was staying back late and he said yes and I didn’t have much work but still I wanted to stay and talk to him, so I stayed and me and N planned we’ll go for a movie afterwards, so I stayed and talked to him. He was talking ok and then I asked him some personal questions like if he stays alone, what does he do in free time and he doesn’t feel lonely. He talked about it and then I asked him to ask me a question, he didn’t I said he could ask anything, he said he didn’t have anything to ask. I said its ok. The he asked me if he could buy me a cup of coffee? I was like what, is that your question, he said if yes then meet me down at mcdonals after 5 mins. I was like OMG… and so happy. I went down and he was not there and I was so pissed, he came 10 mins later and then I was so nervous. I knew this wasn’t a general girl meet boy thing, this was different, I could see his expression was as serious as ever. We went in and I took a table while he ordered his food and then came over. He started by saying, you know I respect you and I feel like you’re a nice person but all this that you’re doing this does not fit my life and I have a different life that I have set and all that.

He said that it was not him to go on with this and he admitted that in the beginning he did feel good that someone wanted to know about him but that in the end it started to make things awkward as he is a quiet person and he likes it that way and that’s why he stays alone. He turned me and my friendliness down. I was reacting ok with it all. I was not looking depressed or sad. I told him I just wanted to know him and that if he dosen’t want to share then its ok and he could have said this on the chat itself, I would have understood.

And then he got talking about how he thinks about life and his philosophy and what he aims to do in life. I asked him that he dosen’t have any friends? He said the people and mentioned the female population that he interacts with in office are also just because he coaches then and guides them to do better in life and he feels good if he helps out people. I could believe this. He is different. And the whole time I was looking into his eyes and all I saw was truth. He wasn’t faking any of it. He’s not the guy who falls for girls and gets into the lifecycle. He has done it before and something happened that made him like his. He has his life set and he dosen’t want anything to change it or even make him think about a change.

I interrupted saying he must be getting late a few times, but he said it was ok and considering we will not be talking again we should stay and talk it all out. It kind of hurt and then I teased him that what will he do if i come back. He said well it will hurt him but he will ignore me completely. I told him I was just kidding.

We talked about so much, music , he was part of a rock band and used to play guitar, reading, writing, family, responsibility, relationships.. so much.

A lot of things he said made sense and I know these thoughts have been in my mind a lot too, but just that I have always thought that these are vague thoughts, but it felt good that someone else also has the same thoughts.

He said a lot of things that he’s seen life and his story of starting running was similar to forest gumps and that in life we have so much energy and we need to channel it all the right way and look within the get happiness and the true purpose of our lives.

He got me thinking.. I am still…

And while leaving I asked if I wanted his advice on something, will he help me and he said yes, he would only if I am sincere about it and come to him with a clear agenda .

I don’t know if that is ever going to happen.. but he has got me thinking and all the while I was listening to him talk these big talks and looking into his truthful eyes, all I could think was “this man could be the reason my life takes a huge turn. he could be that ignition spark that I have been missing in my life that would channel all of my potential into the right directions, he could help me get a better future, probably the best future”, coz the truth about my life is that I know I am capable of much more and so much better, its just direction that I lack and some decision making. And when you’re in a life that dosen’t makes sense or happy it needs to be changed.

I was glad the way it ended and I’ m happy he agreed to help me.

Like one my friends wrote ” I may be naive in love, I may love too easily and too deeply, but at least I do.”

So another occasion of having him face to face had come. There was a guy leaving our team and we wanted a farewell party for him, he suggested we call The Boss also, coz The Boss had helped him a lot and he wanted to thank him. He’s helpful also..ooohhh. Anyways so because I arrange most of the farewell parties so this was also given to me. Now all the arrangements were made and I was asked him what he wanted to eat, coz he dosen’t eat pizza and all, I asked if fruits and juice would be ok, he said yes, ofcourse this was all on chat.

I dressed well, arranged the lunch and ran around to get things in place and then he came. I couldn’t get my eyes off him, there are only few excuses where you get to admire him openly and I was taking full advantage of it. I was not eating anything and team people starting teasing me as to why I’m not eating anything and someone said ‘Are you dieting?’ and other said ‘How do you control yourself?’, I was blushing and going red in the face and looking down and then I politely replied ‘I don’t like pizzas’ and then looked at The Boss, he was enjoying the jokes too and smiling and looking down. So cute. I could have stared away forever. God I am so infatuated with him. Anyways so he wasn’t talking much, except about his athlete stuff and all and then people started performing jokes and all, it was much funny. He was laughing and all. I loved to see him enjoy. I only exchanged 1 sentence directly with him. Only 1. Where he said that some team of his made him race go carting with them and he won, I said ‘it could be been intentional you know’ and he looked at me and said ‘ yes it could be intentional’.

He left after sometime and then later the team sat for few more minutes and talked and then we came back to our seats. I hadn’t had lunch so I went for lunch and saw that he was there too, eating lunch.  I think he smiled.

Afterwards the team sent few mails about how the appreciated my efforts and the party was good, keeping The Boss in loop.

Later in the evening I was waiting for him to be alone in his cabin, I crossed it a few times and looked, so I could chat with him. When I saw he was free I said hi and then we chatted a little, this time he was a little more responsive and not just yes or no, then after 8-9 messages he was back to yes /no. I asked if he didn’t speak much and only in mono syllabus and he said yes. I asked him if any one had commented on his glasses, he wears quite big framed bold rim glasses and   he said no and he assumed it looks funny, I told him he looks really good in them and he said sure, like sarcastically and i said i’m not kidding they do look good on u, he said thanks and then I asked if he belongs to this city he said yes and then I asked if he lives with family, then no response, after 15 minutes I said im guessing no, no response again, and few minutes after he says have a good weekend, that means bye end of our conversation. I said bye and take care and thought he would be leaving soon too. Then I had to get up from my desk and get some prints and get ready to go, when I came back I saw someone sitting in his cabin, I didn’t directly cross his cabin but there is a meeting room in front of his cabin , i went into the meeting room and bent down to see who was sitting with him, OMG, there was a girl there, the one my friend had told me about, who often stays back after work and chats with him a lot. My heart broke into pieces. It was so sad. I was so happy that we had started talking and I gave him a compliment and all and now he said bye to me and is spending time with this girl. She’s not even pretty you know, only stick thin and flat.

Why would he do that to me?

Okay they may be friends but still when another girl is showing interest in you, you don’t say bye to her and talk to your other female friend.

I think he dosen’t like me at all.

This is not good. I have to find someone else to focus my thoughts to, I can’t be so dependent on him to make me happy or sad, after all what do I know about him, nothing!

So after office me and N had to go for movie and dinner. That was fun and we went and talked a lot. N keeps saying these things that seem like hints that he likes me or would like to like me or something, but I’m not comfortable with that idea, I mean of course physical stuff is a tempting thought, but with N, he knows me too much and I don’t think it will ever happen or I want it to ever happen for real. But in the moment of things you know, sometimes these images do come in your hea. Like he mentioned if I would like to his room, I said yes, because its been a long time since I saw a bachelor pad and then it was N’s place and he keeps explaining it, so it would be nice to see it, but then he said its too untidy and messy today, so maybe some other day and at that moment this image of him and me  in his room and me looking around and he comes behind me and I turn to see him too close to me and we kiss, god this image came to me, I shook it off, maybe that was the effect of the romantic movies I see so much. And then when we were in the car and he was driving and I handed him something and I touched his palms for a fraction of second, I did feel that jitter in my body, you know, not the friendly one, it was like jitter that goes up your body. Anyways I ignored it and kept looking into the phone.

I cam home with mixed thoughts in my head and those reasons I dreamt of him and me and I kept shaking it off and kept trying to keep The Boss and dream of him instead.

Tuff dreaming too!

I had stupidly shown my likeness for The Boss openely in front of the team, but obviously that was in the initial days, just fun stuff. I never knew that this will grow on me so much that it actually makes me blush when everyone now teases me with his name.

We had a team meeting today with The Boss and I wanted to look good, so I dressed into this new top, white and flary and it made me look good and everyone was teasing me that I was dressed well coz we had the meeting and I told them that I’m over him but they went on and on about it.

The meeting was just after lunch and I kept getting so impatient when everyone was eating so slow, obviously I had to do a touch up before I met him and then they started teasing that I was running to see him.

Now Im getting little worried that I want this noise to die out before it reaches The Boss. It would be so embarassing if he heard that I have been openly airing my liking for him to everyone, he would think of me as what, idiot or a silly girl. Oh no! But how do I get this teasing stopped? Its getting me nervous.

Apart from that I’m really enjoying this phase rite now. Listing to romantic songs and thinking of him and catching glimpses of him and blushing. This is all way too much fun to end. Seriously I would love to feel this excited for a long time. Maybe as long as I’m here at this client site i.e as long as I am around The Boss.

However it would be great to get some response from him too, maybe he has noticed me and like something too. Well i’m sure he knows who I am, coz I did put my foot in my mouth and start communication on the office chat and he responded but quite limited. But he did respond and that too when I asked some less office stuff. I was in such jitters when i typed and waited for his response. I was like ‘Oh shit! what did I do!’ over and over again. But it was so thrilling, total adreline rush I tell you.  Then again I did the same towards the end of the day, but after the weekend and my one day off since last chat conversation, a simple hi and how are you, both were well responded and then I asked how was the weekend and then there was silence. I kept waiting and nothing. And then I saw him leave office.  It made me sad and I felt like an idiot. ofcourse I’m excited but to him this must be all new and so unfamiliar, some girl in his team chating him up and being so friendly. Maybe it would have made him doubt his authority in office too, you know that am I linent that people just come and tell me whatever they want. I got over it completely giving him the benefit of doubt and suddeness of all this. I came into office today all dressed well and opened my system to find his response there, he had answered but due to some system delay I wasn’t able to see the resonse then. oh my god! he did respond. i was so exited. I have been looking at that chat conversation day all day, from time to time i.e.making sure no one around me sees it. He did reply! he didn’t ignore me! I love him! okay that was out of nowhere. I love him for not ignoring me.

Even though I am enjoying being the crazy silly girl drooling over The Boss, yet I think what I would do to make him realize how much I like him. Btw how much do I like him? I really don’t know, coz I can’t seem to see beyond this funny and exciting feeling.

I am a go all the way person you know. I had the idea to leave hims me gift in his cabin, since he comes little late. I got this idea from ‘Mahi Way’ ofcourse, not that I am fat as Mahi but yeah as silly as her for sure. I was thinking of leaving a small bicycle shaped eraser, coz cycling is his hobby. Stupid? I know. He’s a 32 yr old man, what is a bicycle shaped eraser to him? Well it sounds so sweet to me. But maybe that would have worked if he didn’t know who was the silly girl who has a crush on him, but I guess  now he would  know.

Once before I started converstaion with him i had thought of getting a new mobile sim and then text him being a stranger and get talking to him and later reveal that who I was, but now that also seems not doable. And it did feel way too stalky and freaky too.

I’m enjoying this a lot, this whole funny feeling in your stomach when he passes you by or you turn around to see him there or just see him from a distance. Its amazing. I’m not sure I will want to do anything much about it for sometime, apart from the chat conversations once in every 2-3 days.

I love this feeling though. Really love it.

Now what I have got to thinking is, should I look ahead for a boyfriend / girlfriend relationship or just some casual fling?

It seems like I would know what one wants right? nah, not me.. I’m confused. So lets debate here and maybe at end of it I would know what I want.

Relationship -

1.  Quite a lot of efforts, like meeting often, talking on phone, giving time to each other, gifts, traveling to meet and all.

Well I am open to most of it, only thing I sense is that being single for a long time has made me selfish in terms of how I want to spend my time, I keep my priorities at top always and surely in a relationship it would need to make changes in your routine according to other person.

2. Spending Money -

Its a know thing that guys take most of the expenses, but still I don’t like that always, with all that going out I would at some point want to share the expense and that means me shelling out money. Even thinking of it makes me guilty. This is for my family, how can I spend it away for fun sake. Will be difficult to come to terms with.

Also, going out often would mean shopping often, coz he’s kina smart dressed and I wouldn’t want to look not upto the mark.

3. Self worth – this is a  bad one. I would probably be doing so much work to keep my self worth awake with him. Whether it be dieting, looking good, dressing well, whatever. I would feel always that he’s too good, better than me.

4. emotional involvment – raising expectations, hence fights , hence hurt.

Fling / Casual -

1. No obligation for time / meeting whenever other wants

We could fix a weekly thing or even cancel it wihtout any guilt or fights.

2. Less going out hence less money spent. however spending on self to keep up looking best would still be required.

3. Self Worth – since it would be casual there might  be doubt that he may go with someone better than me and then without any emotional connect the chances of this may even be more.

4. Nothing emotional – to start with but maybe later feelings may come on one side, probably mine, and then hurt again. also it would feel wrong without any emotional conncection.

The result is:  I can’t decide what I want it to be, I would just go with the flow and see how things go. Also you can’t decide regarding feelings with a debate. 

Still..too early to say anything yet.

For one, I got my promotion. Yay!!! The money may not be so good, but still it is something and then it also means that I am done waiting for 1 less thing. Right?

Next, Diwali is over and so are my 1 week leaves, which I spent doing nothing at all, I just wasn’t in the plan mode at all, I never am, and I did not make the extra efforts it takes to plan out, even if meant a 1 days trip. Whatever!

I saw a few office love inspired movie / series and now I’m quite inspired to have my own story to tell.  In the inspired mode I have thought of looking around my office and outside for good prospects and once I see one, definitely act on it. Also I replied to my boss’s happy diwali mail and the reply was ONLY to him, nothing much in the content thoughh, just thanks and wish you the same, but still it was a 1:1 thing I did. Eeeee!!! btw the movied I watched was Bridget Jones Diary and the series Mahi Way. I know Bridget’s story isn’t exactlya good example but the thing is taking initiative. Even if there is a small chance there, one should explore it. What is the worse that could happen? he’s not interested / or engaged or seeing someone? that’s ok, nothing to loose.

Another thing, Bridget inspired me to do, write the Diary.

After the diwali week, its also time to get back to the Diet and Gym. Its not like I left, but yeah did miss couple of days and did eat couple of sweets (ok a little more than couple). Now get the target back on track. 7kgs in 2 months is the target people.

Also, regarding my release, talks will start soon with client and search for new person will follow. Mid- December, I will be off from here. But before that I need to get my passport in place. Seriously.

That’s all that’s happening here. You tell me howz life there?