Archive for writing

Today & weekend bucket list!

{ December 4, 2009 @ 8:24 pm } · { Blogroll, Hobbies, Interesting, art, books, feelings, friends, interpret, life, personal, random, secrets, thoughts, work, writing }
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God! finally a weekend. I feel exhausted, even though I took a mid day off. ?You just feel somethings without reasons, r maybe there are reasons but too complex/simple to see.

Today was a good day! A lot of anxiety and some good words in the end. So, Good. I had the yearly feedback meeting set up for today ans my manager was at my office for all that (she..ya she usually goes to another location that is closer to her place). She had scheduled it for he last hour of my working hour, so the anxiety was building up for the entire day and then there was this ‘what its going to be?’ thing. I had been hearing some news around for my promotion talks and since the position of my senior is now empty and I have been pretty much doing much of it by myself. This was always some rumour type and some hype by my only friend type in ofc ’D’. She kept telling that it’s on the way and I kept telling her not to raise my expectations coz then if it didn’t turn out then I wouldn’t feel good or motivated at all, but she kept saying and then there did come a thought that maybe. blah! *making weird faces now* Anyways, my manager came to my seat earlier in the day and told me that there are a few things but not to keep much expectations from the meeting. I was like ok. In the past few weeks, she had mentioned to me in a few conversations about putting my name for some award, but she didn’t specify which one. So today in the meeting (which started 15 min before my leaving time) we started with my opinion on the entire year progress and then she came to providing feedback on other items. There were good things and then some improvement areas that I was aware of and few that were not clear to me, I heard patiently and tried to capture much in my head, I talked my part on stuff but the conversation was left in between as I had to leave for the day and then I told her that we need to connect again on this. She told me that she had nominated my name for the highest rated award of the organisation and was hoping it would get through and also that she did nominate earlier in the year for other smaller awards but they did not get through. So YAY! :) i’ll get this one I’m sure. :) Also no promotion for now, maybe in the next cycle i.e June. Hmm. Ever since I came from the meeting my mind is buzzing how to polish myself for the next role that I am stepping in (without official promotion) and what all I need to work on effectively and immediately. I won’t say boring stuff here, but no blogging in office for sure. It distracts me, it pulls me to the better world of words and expressions. It takes my time and then I do everything else at work, but obviously in smaller span of time. So what I’m saying is ‘Be where you are’ has to be done asap.

Weekend Bucket list:

I was thinking it’s going to be a not-step-out-of-home-weekend but then just spoke to ‘A’ and he has this office party tomorrow so he asked if I would join him and I said I don’t know, but don’t want to miss meeting someone interesting, although he’s into IT too, so all geeky crowd :( but you never know.I don’t want to miss a chance and besides its been ages since I went for a party and booz. Btw ’A’ is my long time fren whom I had a fight with 2 weeks back coz he was not making time to meet and was acting like an old man for the past 3 months now. C’mon, we’re close friends. I call him my best friend in boys. Yes! there is a difference in boys and girls friends, for some weird people like me.  

back to the list.

1. Start the book. Actually I was thinking mor like dedicating this weekend to the book, but now I’m being realistic and saying something serious and dedicated must be started. pull previous notes, decide the plot, characters, narration.. anything but something serious.

2. Guitar practice

3. Organise my stuff.

4. Get the pencil and paper out, some sketching might do some good to my creative soul. I’m sure.*Optional

Enough for 2 days right.

And yes… RELAX!!! :)

Looking back at the year start

{ December 3, 2009 @ 1:31 pm } · { Blogroll, Hobbies, Interesting, books, dating, dreams, family, feelings, friends, habits, health, interpret, jazz, life, love, music, personal, random, reading, realtionships, secrets, tattoo, thoughts, work, writing }
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so here’s the resolution listed that I has posted early this year. lets see what all I got done.

1. Personal – learn something new, music/dance/sport - YES.. jazz, now guitar…

2. Social Work – start voluntary work for NGO - none.. a little try at the begining.. but then nothing

3. Social Work – fund an orphan’s eduction - nopes :(

4. Career – get 30% hike in salary – Can’t say yet. got the feedback tomorow. I’m hoping this will be done. :)

5. Personal – take care of health – did for the first half of the year, lost weight and when i came so close to being called slim, i gave it up.. jerk. and now I’m back to me..so NO i think

6. Family – manage funds well  - NO.. nothing near it

7. Personal – Improve habits, be more warm and less bitter - maybe a little..not much.

8. Personal – learn to be more diplomatic i.e learn to keep my opinions to myself and be less judgemental. – yes-no.. okay,.

9. Career – Get appreciated for the good work – YES YES.. this is definitely true for the past couple of months…

Aww.. this dosen’t seem good na. I’ve only done the selfish stuff.

 

Another list, this is more like Things to do before I’m 25

1. Travel alone (another state or country) - NO

2. Get a tattoo – NO, I’m planning before New year or maybe after d heavy checque..lol

3. Start something new( music/dance/art) – YES

4. Go trekking – No, but went Rafting..counts ? YES

5. Complete a book – started, not completed and am not doing anythin so NO

6. Sponcer an orphan child’s education - NO :(

7. Start voluntary work for NGo/Street children – NO

8. Adapt a healthy lifestyle for good – NO

9. Organise family affairs – NO

10. be more Accepting – little. NO

11. Forgive people and forget unwanted baggage – NO. YES. Dun knw

12. Love myself more – NOt really.

13. Be more warm person – No. Not enough to say YES

14. keep the learning ‘new stuff’ going on. – YES, else I would get crazy

 

Lot of NO’s here too… :(

Sore me

{ December 3, 2009 @ 5:09 am } · { Blogroll, Hobbies, Interesting, books, dating, dreams, family, feelings, friends, habits, health, interpret, life, love, music, personal, random, reading, realtionships, secrets, sex, thoughts, weddings, writing }
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I have been PMSing since day before yesterday night and let me tell you it’s not a very pleasant thing (atleast not in the cold winters).

The night it started,  I kept tossing and turning entire night, there was this weird sensation in my stomach abdomen that something was happening down there. I was wearing a tee, huge woollen pullover, and socks and tucked inside 2 layers of blanket, actually one is double layered so 3 layers of blanket and yet my body was cold and uncomfortable. I woke up at 5:45 am and decided I was finally in no state to go to the office, so messaged my colleague and went back to sleep. Then got some rest and sleep, until I woke up.

When I woke up yesterday, my body felt like it was swollen (wasn’t looking swollen though, except my stomach) and it felt sore, sore like you visit the gym after months and then overdo everything cardio, weight, all and then your muscles are on the verge on getting ruptured, that kinda sore. I woke up around 12:30pm and didn’t move out of the blanket until 3pm, ate something and finally had the energy, mind to think of even moving my body, before that it was not even a thinkable thing to do. I couldn’t move, just couldn’t, or maybe of I had to then I would have to pick and place each of my body part one step ahead separately and that too using someone else’s hands, so then I would have to ask someone to pick my stomach and move it just above where my left foot had been picked and placed and henceforth. Maybe it wasn’t so bad, but it surely felt that way, and feeling is as bad as real, so!

After I  finally moved my ass, I was on the internet, checked my blog, others blogs and that was all that could hold my interest there. I was so uncomfortable, sitting, standing, moving.  The soreness was the hurting soreness, just the muscles are all lethargic and any movement might lead to rupture/collapse, something like there’s something weird happening inside you and its s uncomfortable, bloated, swollen, sore feeling. Then I moved to the guitar, that was good, although couldn’t keep myself on it for long, I guess just 30-40 min.

Btw I’m just on the basics with my lessons with my tutor, but for self motivation, I googled the easiest songs to play on guitar and then got this learning lesson on you tube for ‘Knocking on Heaven’s Door’ Bob Dylan version and I’ve been practicing it for 2 days. I am not good at it and specially with moving between chords, that timing is out-of-place, also the C chord is giving me a hard time, my fingers havent adjusted to being moving in different directions and applying pressure at the same time yet, I’m always pressing the not to be pressed keys and what happens is I get the sound correct once and next strum sound like banjo. :) But I will my learn this, I love it, I love to hear people play and the sound of that hollow wood and strings, Mmmm. When I think of it, it’s almost like thinking of your favourite chocolate dessert.. Mmnmmm~ :) You know there are certain things that make you feel like if they were eatable then you would gulp down ever bit of it, like I feel that for the smell of wood polish, and guitar. Does that happen to you too? 

This turned to a happy note huh! Anyways coming back to yesterday, its making me feel sore just mentioning it, you might think that i shouldn’t think/write about it if that’s the case, but I want to write it out, those rollercoaster feelings and weird stuff, I want it all worded. Why I don’t know either. Anyways, so after the sometime with guitar, I moved to mom’s room (where the computer is) and sat on the bed (I know lame details, please read it’ll add up) and couldn’t find myself a comfy,  to-be-warmed spot on the bed. I put some pillows on the wall and then leaned on them, covered myself with quilt and started reading this book ‘Anil’s Ghost’ that has been pending and half read for what seems ages (almost 3 months), but I couldn’t make it my spot. Let me explain. My bum wouldn’t warm the place, my bum wouldn’t feel fit and sunk in, my back wasn’t relaxed or easy and I constantly wanted to change, move in the spot trying to make it comfy, but that wouldn’t happen. Aaagrrh!

I always curse the male species when I’m PMSing, always! But yesterday I didn’t. Usually its something like- Why can’t boys have all this stuff in their bodies? periods - us, babies - us, everything painful comes to us and all they do is think about sex and have fun. Crap! I swear they should be something done so that they should start having babies. Why do we have to go through this? Why not them? I hate this. Jerks! Bloody one minded assholes! But yesterday I didn’t, not even once.

So then after the attempt to read a few pages, I closed it, no spot, no comfort, so warm ass, no point. I slid into the quilt and slept for 2 hours. When I woke up and then the usual TV and drama series were on and mom was glued to it like a bee. I don’t enjoy them much, but then the drama is good, especially with all the new reality series catching fire here and all the channels trying too hard to get TRPs and making shows on weirdest of ideas. It’s funny. One really funny one comes on Channel V, its called ‘Dare to Date’, it so funny. People are brought together for Blind dates and then after the date they are asked if they would like to go on a second date with that person. I haven’t seen a single couple say yes to this question. :) Yesterday, I caught a glimpse of it and the guy was so cute, calling himself Mr.Delhi or something. but really pretty-clean-i-woul-make-a-pretty-girl type cute. Poor guy, he  was stuck with some dumb girl,maybe he was dumb too, dunno, didn’t see much. Another show that is fun is ‘Lux Perfect Bride’, where you need to choose a partner for yourself from a bunch of girls and guys, and they have meeting and everything ot know each other better, but now the show is close to end so there are 2 couples that are already sure of their choices and one lame couple who have no bonding but still holding onto the show in some hope of a magical moment, so now much on the show is about their parents fighting and all. Oh yes, the mother-in-laws are also part of the show and live with the girls to observe and select, so now the girls moms have also arrived and they are all fighting. :) It’s actually a bit of the ugly truth about the arranged marriages and unreasonable expectations that are attached to 2 people marrying. Everybody wants their piece.

Later sis came home soon and then we were chit chatting. It was good. I took a late bath around 11:30pm coz I didn’t want to take it in the morning i.e 5:45 am. Then we all were again chit chatting until 1:30 am and finally decided to call it a day. I slept ok I guess, but woke up in next 5 hours (at 6 am), so it was ok.

Right now, I’m feeling bloated like a balloon, my stomach is a visible proof of it  and I have a fast today. Don’t know if I should keep it though, but if I can’t tolerate it and it gets bad then will eat. But then again, who decided what is bad enough to break the fast? me ? how? we’ll see, some grumbling noises can be heard already..

Btw I just noticed, my titles are not-so-good na? What do you think?  and yes, How’ve you been doing? 

P.S:  Haven’t spoken to New Guy since last fight thing, intentionally and effortlessly. It’s ok.

Dating don’ts for guys

{ November 30, 2009 @ 3:57 am } · { Blogroll, Interesting, dating, feelings, interpret, life, love, random, realtionships, secrets, thoughts, writing }
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Warning: Due to some recent experiences, readers may sense of spite or even bitterness in the below post. Please ignore as temporary mindset. In all other circumstances the writer does not hate the male species, she loves Boys and wants them all to be good boys.

1. Please keep your mannerism with you at all times. Just because the girl made a dirty joke or touched your arm, doesn’t mean she is your next-door buddy or ready to take anything you throw at her. Behave!

2. Explaining #1 further, when I say ‘behave’ I don’t mean ‘pretend’. Not at all. Be yourself, just not the self that you are around your guys group at bars, be the self that you would want a girl to see in you. Show the part of that you are proud of.

3. No too many personal questions please. Until yes, they are coming on itself as part of the current conversation, there is absolutely no need to know if she owns the house she lives in or not. If it’s all well, you will know it later.

4.  Try and avoid too many awkward gaps in-between conversations. There will certainly be a few, but here’s when you can use some of that with that you so much show off among your guy gang, but please mind the topics, and switch to something quickly. The more the silences, the more she will have doubts on ‘if this is all going well or not?’.

5. Make the conversations light and easy, nothing too fancy, nothing too scripted. Maybe a few positive / funny past experiences, some great places you’ve visited. Keep it interesting. And if you’ve got the funny tick too and can make the girl smile/laugh,  then bravo! you’ve scored a ‘he’s nice to be around’ thought.

6. Please plan the venue or at least have a few places in mind that you can suggest, and yes they should all have seen your face earlier. No experimenting with your date, she’s not a rat you see.

7. We know that the average time span when guys think of sex if every 3 seconds (read this somewhere  long time back, maybe now its half a second), but please try and throw those thoughts away or at least not let them reflect in the way you look at her. Keep your horny thoughts and looks to yourself. If you really need to stare at her figure, make sure she doesn’t catch you doing so. It disgusts girls! really disgusts!

8.  This is very obvious, but I would like to emphasize if you dumb heads need to be reminded (of course not without a whack on you heads),  PICK THE CHEQUE.

9. No questions on past relationships. no ’so how many boyfriends have you had?’. you’re getting nothing less than ‘F******* Ass*****’ for that.

10. Whether this is your 1st or 5th date, let the girl take the lead and show you how comfortable she is. Read the signs. Don’t try to pounce at her on the first chance ou get. If she comfortable enough you’ll see it, she might do something or say something that secretly says ‘I’m ok now’. Be attentive. If you like her, then its worth it right?

11. And when you feel she shows she comfortable and you may go ahead, then at that time please be a Man and take the lead. Don’t wait for her to take the first step. You need to show you’re a man and will take the lead, whether its to hold her hand, waist, a kiss, whatever. Girls like it. It makes them feel secure in some way.

12. Try to think of the motive as ‘To have a good time, spend quality time’ and rest much will fall into place.

13. Try and talk about what you like instead of all that you don’t like. Simple rule, positive vibes work everywhere and positive words too.

14. No matter what the situation, always ask to drop her home. even if you’re freaking dead and it will take you 2 hours to get back home, always ask. Much chances are she is sensible and will take herself home, but if she doesn’t then maybe she wants to get that extra time with you. It’s maybe boys, not always ok.

15. A few subtle compliments wouldn’t kill you will they? So? And yes, if you can make them genuine ones and not like, you have a beautiful smile when the girl wears braces. ? genuine… not to difficult if you can get yourself to stop looking at below her neck and actually look at her face.

16. Enjoy and have a good time and make sure she is having fun too. Listen, talk, laugh, behave. How difficult can that be?

 

If these were helpful, let me know, I’ll think up some more of don’ts..

 

Life Updates…

{ November 29, 2009 @ 7:27 pm } · { Blogroll, Interesting, dating, feelings, friends, habits, interpret, life, love, music, personal, random, realtionships, secrets, sex, thoughts, weddings, work, writing }
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I haven’t been talking about what’s been happening recently for a while. So, here’s all that has been going on.

Okay, last that I remember was a big time venting and full of ranting post on how the hell I hated New Guy and was going not going to get manipulated into his ways. So that story ended by me telling him that we can only be friends and no way is this even getting anywhere. As expected he was all no-no and not agreeing but I was adamant. I was very clear about it all and then he had no option. lol! I stopped the late night talks and early morning calls. I was still speaking to him few times in the day, but he was all boohoo and sent me a message saying that he was feeling deserted. Ya right!! I wasn’t falling for the trap this time. yay! for that :) . This is making me feel so sensible and grown up and less idiot! :) Then I did speak to him late night for a few times(i think 3) last week and none of it was anywhere close to anything cozy, all friends stuff. Last night he did say that he was feeling something, but I totally put the logic into it all and made him believe it that it was only because he was relating it our earlier talks and it okay and with time he would get over it.

Today I had a fight with him, I think that’s what it was, atleast from my end. Now I was back from this crappy date, actually not even worth calling it a date (more on that below) and he was somewhere near my place with his brother(who’s getting married in 10 days) and I asked him if we can catch up for coffee. First he tells me that my bro is with me, so you decide. When I said ‘we could go for coffee, but I don’t know your brother so you ask him’, then he said ‘My brother is saying it’s too late and not decent to meet at this hour (9:30pm) and it would get late too’. WTF!! If you don’t want to come/ can’t come, then be a man and say so, you don’t put the other person feel like they have no sense of decency and no home and they are like street people who go anywhere with anyone. I would have slapped that guy if he was in front of me.  I told him to not teach me what decency is and got to hell (or something like that).

You know this thing that I was saying about expectations from others, see here it is, I expected him to consider that I’ve been taking all his crap and been so nice to him and should come atleast for sometime. And also his brother, New Guy and me keep talking about him a lot, all the wedding stuff and all, so I expected him to be at least friendly, but he’s teaching me what decency is. What do you think I am? I mean really? If you ask a friend for coffee when you’re not feeling very good or even just like that, then does it make you indecent?? Bloody idiotic and conservative and I don’t want to be rude but I don’t get it. The last message that I sent him was ‘plz don’t call or text me’. Loser! Being diplomatic/making me feel stupid when he doesn’t have the guts to make an effort/own up that he doesn’t want to make an effort. Is this what friends/dating type all night talking people are for? Get their entertainment/time / someone to listen to them and talk when they’re free, but when they need to make some effort, then we need to be decent. F*** Off!

 

Now the Crappy date whatever the hell it was..

I got talking to this guy I met on chat sometime on last Monday I think. He sounded ok and we were from the same community(doesn’t matter, just mentioning) and we chatted for sometime and shared pics and then he said he’s a pilot and working with Kingfisher Airlines and all good stuff and I’m new to Delhi. So I believed him and then we exchanged numbers and I accidently didn’t save his number (lol! :) ) coz I was rushing for the guitar class (sounds so cool! yay! ). So he texted me the next day with his name, so I saved the number and replied him. We spoke on phone once and he was extremely humourous and telling his funny experiences, so it was okay, except he was all like too personal on questions and he’s like we should go for a drive and booz. ya sure! I was so taken aback that how can someone be so shameless and pathetic. Anyways I laughed away all that and said we would meet sometime later for coffee and he was in shock or something, as if I’ve asked him to sleep with me when we meet the first time or what, actually I think that wouldn’t have surprised him. Weirdo! Anyways, I was still thinking that its okay, let me give the guy a chance, at least meet him, you never know he’s actually good. What was I thinking? with my luck.. hmmph! So we spoke again on Friday and then he almost was after my life for meeting him anywhere but not coffee. strange na?? Very ya! I was all no-no. I said its only coffee or nothing! he agreed after much blah-blah-. He’s explanation was that coffee meets are too formal. what a jerk and horrible explanation??? To be honest I was curious and was hoping that he might be good (maybe the pilot thing was influencing!). So today evening I asked him what the plan, after much confusion and all we planned to meet near my place and there also happens to be a Cafe near by, so I told him to park his car and we can meet him, and then he started almost screaming that I don’t want to sit and have coffee. I told him to stop shouting and that I was coming. We met in his car and you won’t believe, he didn’t even look at me. And he was so not the person in the picture. He was totally different!! I got so freaked out! he was also almost 29-30 years old, whereas he told me 24. F***. I sat in the car, looked at him and said hi, and went cold. All I could think was please let me get back home safe today. shit man! imagine he lied about the pic, his age, god knows if he was married!! Hell! he definitely looked married! shit man! So he started driving and I was like where are we going? he didn’t seem at all new to the roads, he took onto this lane that is less busy and good for drive type.. eww!! and I was thinking god-help-me!!! Funny thing is he didn’t look at me also!! not even once, he was driving and looking in front and talking. strange uncle? that’s his name ’strange uncle’. :) hahaha. so he never looked at me. And he has this theory about all special friends he has, i made it very clear that we can only be friends, I think at that point I told him so that he wouldn’t try anything funny and which I will totally take back now. I am not at all going to have anything to do with strange-uncle. Then within 2 minutes of drive I said ‘its become quite late right’ (it was 8:35pm) and he said yes let me drop you home and took a U-turn. Thank god. but again strange!! He safely dropped me home and even funny he wouldn’t look at me while saying bye too!! haahhaa.. Psycho strange uncle!! thank you god I’m home safe!! seriously!! I was in shock! How can someone be such a liar? And I even confirmed his age with him, and he’s like I’m 23 will turn 24 now, liar, earlier he had told me 24, will turn 25. Liar!!  and I told him that he looked much older, like 29-30. hahaha… But seriously ya, fuck man!!It was so creepy!! I am still partly in shock.. and everyone at home is all giggle-giggle abou it.. lol! :)   I swear am never going to believe these people online until I check their orkut/fb . Seriously dude!! Creepy! freaky!! Now you see why I asked New Guy for coffee?? I needed to come back to reality, that was not so ugly! But I couldn’t tell him all this na!

Apart from the ridiculous boys stuff, last Friday I attended my college fren A’s engagement party. We did our college together and she was always borrowing money from me and never returning on time. I was more of a friend to her, but I never sort of trusted her like 200% .We also lived together in flats for 2 years. So ya we were close and knew much about each other, but then she has never been of much a friend in need to me and I was always that for her. and i’m totally ok with that too, sometimes you mean more to others than they mean to you. We have been living in the same city but haven’t met since a year (guilty)  but we talked and all. Now her family is all conservative and all, about same caste and early marriage of girls. She had her profile on some matrimony portal and this guy contacted her and she like the profile and earning and all and she felt it was more that she deserved. She was like he doesn’t look so good though. Now she didn’t meet the guy until 1 day before the engagement and she didn’t like him one bit. She called me and I tried to convince her that good looks and happiness are not related and all. But when I saw the guy, oh god! he looked like 10 years older to her and dark and fat and so not deserving. I was shocked, but she was upset so we(me and ‘B’) tried to make her feel its ok and all, make her laugh through the pics. It was terrible! She could have got an average looking guy also, but he was actually bad. I was so sorry for her. But hope there is something good in store and she finds happiness in life. She was going on saying about how she can say no anytime. don’t know what will happen there. Btw I wore a pink saree and looked gorgeous. :) really! a little chubby, you know arms and tummy, but very pretty!! I love to say this and not cute. yay!!!

That’s been pretty much all. Somethings about work from past week too, but I’m too upset that it Monday again and can’t get myself to mention ‘work’ more than I already have, I feel I will start crying anytime. See the shock that idiotic creep has left. God! I’m so sensitive right now, even a mouse could make me shriek! I know its funny!!! :) but true!

Quite a week! lol!!   

 PS: was listening to few sad songs and now have moved to little upbeat type. Sounds like I’m getting out of shock. lol!! :)  

 

I’m feeling so clueless

{ November 29, 2009 @ 10:59 am } · { Blogroll, Interesting, feelings, interpret, life, personal, random, secrets, thoughts, writing }
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I’m having one of those phases where everything seems to be happening and you are just watching it all, some what like out of your body and looking at your life pass by. It’s not a good feeling. I know what I should do and what I am doing but its all like I’m not there. My heart is somewhere else and my mind and body someother place.

I don’t know if it’s all making sense, but something is so not synchronized in me. Its running in different directions and I can’t see the end to any of it.

 

How do you believe in something you haven’t seen? How do you know the road will lead you to your destiny, when you don’t even know what your destiny is? Do you ever question what you are, what makes you ‘you’ and how this life is and why?

I have so many questions in my head and no answers. The only way out of it all that I see is ‘distracting myself’ and even a single second spared makes these questions buzzing again.

stop this!! god!! show me some directions, give me some wisdom, lead me, make  me believe and not doubt…

pray for me!!

When you feel like* old draft dated 2009/06/24*

{ November 26, 2009 @ 8:43 am } · { Blogroll, Interesting, feelings, interpret, life, personal, random, thoughts, writing }
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saying nothing, then it can mean only either of 2 things :

a) You have too many thins on your mind and you can’t register them all. It’s all going on and on, you thoughts, ideas, questions, answers. It’s all zapping away and you cannot register it to write / speak about it.

b) You are stoned. jus  kidding! I don’t know the second one. Do you? I’m guessing sad, hurt. Any ideas??

So why are we talking about feeling like nothing to say, coz I have been feeling this way. For how long I do not know (it’s better like that). So I’m gonna break this vicious cycle and register those speedy thoughts and tell you all about what’s in my mind, at least everything that I know.

Bullets or paragraphs? I mostly stick with bullets, they make everything very clear and separated. Its paragraphs today.

About family and home.

——————————

I know its incomplete, actually that’s why it was never posted. Don’t have anything to add. Don’t know why I keep posting olf drafts, it makes me feel lighter for some reason. ? Dun know why? Maybe its like letting go, of soemthing that is somewhere in your subconscious… maybe.

3000 hits!! Yupee!

{ November 24, 2009 @ 8:28 am } · { Blogroll, Hobbies, Interesting, art, feelings, life, personal, random, thoughts, writing }
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I got over 3000 hits since 24 August 2007.

Yay!! :)

 

Heartiest( I use this word really honestly and truely) THANKS to everyone who took time to read through the bluprints of my mind. And all the advice and comments!!

Keep coming  back!!

 

Stop beating around the bush

{ November 22, 2009 @ 5:17 pm } · { Blogroll, Interesting, dating, feelings, friends, habits, interpret, life, love, personal, random, realtionships, secrets, sex, thoughts, work, writing }
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that’s just exactly what I need right now. I so need to clear my head and actually realize and know ‘What I really want?’ How much ever time it takes, I need to know this. I don’t care, if I spend 5 years trying to know it. Actually that’s too much time, but considering it took me 2 years to get over the hangover of a 3years serious relationship and sometimes I still ask myself that ‘Am I over it totally? How can I be sure?’, so I think I don’t mind 5 years. What I mind is ‘not knowing?’ , the confusion in your head, the analysis, the million questions and no answers. I mind that, I don’t want that. I’m not the person who can live in doubts, I’m clear as a crystal, here or there, I am what you see, I will tell you what I am, I am not, not at all ‘what I’m not’. I can’t be that, I can’t keep thinking ’is this me?’ about everything I do, I can’t keep questioning my wants and likes, it will bruise my soul, my beliefs, my heart. And somewhere I feel that it already has, a little bit.

I need to stop here.

Breathe! Be with myself and know myself and love every bit of it. I can’t move ahead without it, not even one step, maybe a few steps back if it takes, but not ahead.

I’m talking about matters of the heart and relationships.

 

I thought I was okay with this dating, but its all so uncomfortable. Maybe its just the wrong person I’ve met, but I really don’t know what I want. And how do I know this? well, listen to read more if you’re not tired of my ranting yet.

I have no feelings for him, yet I talk to him early mornings and late nights and message him through the day.

I like to spend time with him, I like the feeling, but I don’t like it later. later if I check his pics on facebook I don’t feel nice, I’m like ‘really? with this guy?’

I hate that he is dominating, but I go along with it. I don’t stop him. i talk when i don’t want to. Yesterday, I had a bad cold and headache and he kept talking till 4am and I mentioned couple of times that I got a bad headache and he’s like ‘aww baby’ and would start again. He knows I  go to work early 7am and when I remind him he says 5 min more and then being inconsiderate as ever, he goes on till another hour. I talk too, but hello? what about a little consideration? I’ve been sleeping  4-5 hours average over the past few weeks. Fuck man! and all this is when I don’t even feel for him. He’s bloody manipulative. I hate manipulative.

 

I always feel he has that temperament of keeping the balance equal on both sides. He can’t go and do something and not expect anything from me. I get that feeling. can’t think of anything particularly, but you know na, when there’s this feeling of there has to be a give for every take. What if we’re not in a relationship? Can’t you just not expect so much. it’s pressurizing now. and I’m taking all this . Shit man!

 

Then there’s this whole thing about how he wants to get into my pants. Well I might have started the flirting and maybe also little stuff, but hello wait for the girl to get comfortable. He keeps talking about it on the phone and then I’m like I don’t want to say much so i listen and he’s like you don’t respond. What? How can you expect me to get into the same place that you are at? and if not then you’re annoyed and i explain. no! Not at all! I won’t ! I don’t owe you any explanation!

I think he just doesn’t posses any basic mannerism and I’m not going to teach him. Coz I care a damn!

Even if we’re being just dating type, you need to respect and behave and not make me feel like I’m here for something that is not decent and that you can persist me into anything.

I need to stop here. And know what I want. BUt this isn’t anywhere close to what I want i know for sure. Am just going to talk to him now. hope I’m not screaming and he understands and we can be friends. if not the F*** it all.

phew! that feels good now. I know too much personal stuff, but hey thats why this space exists. It’s global, yet personal to me.

what I’m at right now..

{ November 21, 2009 @ 10:18 am } · { Blogroll, Interesting, dating, dreams, family, feelings, friends, habits, interpret, life, love, personal, random, realtionships, secrets, thoughts, weddings, work, writing }
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Firstly sorry for the delay in posts…but please believe me work has been too much lately..too much.. n not that I feel obliged to blog.. but I like to post and when I don’t I feel I owe an apology to myself too, for not letting these thoughts out..and keeping my mind buzzing with them..

So, whats been going on?

Plenty of work! My senior was moved to a new project and then I am taking care of few important projects and there hasn’t been any transition or anything, but it seems like I’m doing much of what she did, but without any training. So what do you expect? yes, Im nervous and confused and also want to prove myself, but then the self-doubt creeps in and all gets confusing. I start questioning if i can or can’t and then feel like a 100 eyes are on me and what I do now will decide how my career takes shape from here on.

I really want it all to work out. I want someone to train me on all the tactics and do’s and don’t, how to handle situations, what decisions to take and then I will do all the right things and come out as shining star. But I know that everything cannot be found in guidebooks and experience teaches you these things, but I also don’t want to fail at attempting and get steps behind, instead of ahead.

What I find most difficult is to have 100% confidence on my decisions, coz I don’t have any reference to look at and say that this is right. I feel confused if this is right or not and then it shows.

I’ve been carrying the office laptop and after work at office, I even take up work at home and then yesterday I was on PTO, but landed up working entire day(except  for the relief of waking up late) and even carried the laptop to my friend (actually sis’s best friend’s ) engagement party, where it died when I was just about to send status mail and thank god it did, coz when I got back home I found some problems and then i finally sent out the status at 2:45am.  Today is off, but we have migrations so I will be working for 2 hours in evening. There is this other girl in my team, so after my senior left, we both are left with the work. Even earlier my senior never did any work only management, and now I have to do management and also work. I sometimes feel that I’m much better of a ‘do all the work’ than ‘manage all the work’. I mean I can do 10 things myself, but giving it to someone else and feeling relieved and sure that they would do it right is difficult, so I end up doing most of it myself. So this other girl ‘D’ in my team, I have been doing most of the work so that she is not blogged with too much and doesn’t get too overloaded. I know, that is not a good management trait, but then can’t help it.

Appraisal’s coming along in December. *fingers crossed*

Apart from work, after few days of restricted talking, I have resumed late night talks with New Guy. There was too much stuff around what we should restrict and how and all, so I said forget everything we’ll just see how it goes. I’ve stopped the morning calls though and that should be good, coz it was getting too much. With all this work havoc going on, it feels good to talk to someone who will listen and talk sweetly and you know. It’s like a stress relief thing. It takes your mind to a different place, even if for sometime only. don’t know how far I should take this, but one thing is for sure, neither of us have any feelings type stuff for each other. actually, we both are in such similar places in our lives, that we know how it is and we want the same things too, ok, he might be thinking a little ahead, but what the heck na.

That’s whats happening right now. Phew!!! good to get it all out!

Howz u???

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