Archive for work

Wait for life to happen r run after it?

{ November 8, 2009 @ 11:39 am } · { Blogroll, Hobbies, Interesting, dreams, feelings, habits, interpret, jazz, life, love, music, personal, random, secrets, thoughts, work, writing }
{ } · { Comments (1) }

Before I start lemme mention, my left had finger tips are swollen as if bee strung and little red.. any guesses? Yes, the guitar fever iso n again.. :) but this time i’m gonna learn it completely, at least enough to support the statement ‘ I know how to play a guitar’. lol!

 

Coming to what I’ve thought about a lot of times and felt too. Do you sit and wait for life you want to happen or run after it?

 

I feel like I’ve done a little of both. I’ve been doing this job and spending what probably might be the best years of my life, complaining and feeling not so good and then I’ve also tried to run after it by doing these things like the dance classes, swimming classes, something or the other to keep me busy and feel like I’m living a life. I know pursuing a hobby dosen’t seem lame, but when you go for it only to make yourself feel less of a loser and full of life, then I think you’re at a very wrong place altogether. The irony of all of this is that I don’t know where else I want to be if not here or how to get there… OMG! I’m such a loser!!!

 

How do you know what you want and if you do then how do get to it??

I know I’ve said this many times, but still no answers…

25 Random things about me – Continued 2

{ November 6, 2009 @ 5:06 pm } · { Blogroll, Interesting, art, dating, dreams, family, feelings, friends, habits, interpret, life, love, music, personal, random, reading, realtionships, secrets, thoughts, work, writing }
{ } · { Leave a Comment }

Continuing from the last number .

I was on #45 then.. so

46. I find myself in ‘feet in my mouth’ situation quite often. I seriously need to know when to shut up. It’s not like I talk too much all the time, but at times when I start talking and people start responding well, like listening and enjoying then I go beyond a limit and say things I wouldn’t have otherwise ever said.

47. I love to talk, like a good conversation even healthy arguments (typical libra).

48. I am super jealous of I-never-workout-or-diet-coz-I-have-naturally-high-metabolism-and-slim-bone-structure females and males too.. ‘uber jealous!

49. I am a miser. I actually don’t spend much, but when I do its only on good stuff.

U know wat..let me go back and check my previous random posts, I don’t wanna repeat anything.. okay I’m also trying to get popular..and its for the benefit of the newcomers.. :)

2009/02/26/25-random-things-about-me

2009/04/08/25-random-things-about-me-continued

49. There have been times when I couldn’t get the lyrics of some english songs I have gone to google the lyrics. Don’t know if this happens to others or just me ?

50. I like to get appreciated.. I like it a lot! I know this is like common, but sometimes I go beyond my way to keep it that way, like #46, also sometimes when helping someone and they start saying good things about me and then ask for some help that I know will be little extra than what I can do, I go ahead take the pain and help them. This is so much like ‘Joey’ in FRIENDS episode, where Rachel and Joey kiss in Hawaii and he has to tell Ross about it, but Ross goes on about how good a friends Joey has been and then Joey lands up not uttering a word about him and Rachel at all.

51. I have dreamed about working and living independently in an apartment (New York please) alone since I was in 9th standard, but now I seriously doubt if I’ll be able to manage it all.

52. Many a times I idealize something I want so much that everything else seems not enough. Its happened from shopping items to boys.

53. I like listening to music really loud. Right now listening to

‘I don’t hook up’- Kelly Clarkson. I so identify with this one and also looked up the lyrics of this one :)

‘Done all wrong’ – new moon. This is alight weird, but I like the dark vampire theme in background.

54. When I like a song, I go on listening to it on repeat for days. Then I move to something else.

55. Actually this happens with other stuff too, fav pair of jeans, scandals, cardigan, muffler.. hmm.. I exhaust the hell out of what I like.. ;) Hope there are no side effects to this..I know there may be..let’s look at the bright side for now. :)  

56. I actually think I can sing well, but I also know better. But this thought that if you get proper training and all then maybe I could have. I’m not that bad now either.

57. I am a very responsible person. How? I have waking up at 5:30am for 2 years now for my job, which as you know is not much my passion. Just imagine if I were into something I loved doing..

58. I feel I’m very vulnerable person and really try hard to hide that, to show I’m strong and don’t care, but I don’t think it works much coz I still find myself in a position where I am feeling bad but not showing it but the other person doesn’t even realize it. Recent incident will be quoted in second post for the night.

59. I haven’t been religious since college, but now started fasts on Thursdays and it makes me feel good. Some peaceful feeling.

60. Much of the times I wish I had a more clear and forgiving heart. Really I wish.

61. People who know less about me seem to be more impressed with me and not so much when they get to know me better. I think so. Maybe I seem all sensible and serious know-it-all-in-control type, until they know how much confusion happens in this mind of mine.

61. I love my family. Just sometimes I think I get selfish and then mix miser into it, so I stop them from some expenditure but do the same for myself.

I think enough for today…

Hope you’al like it.. see I want to be liked.. I guess everybody does..

I like to move it..hahaha.. ‘everybody does’ triggered that one..

Just like that..

{ November 3, 2009 @ 5:09 am } · { Blogroll, Interesting, art, body canvas, dating, feelings, friends, habits, health, life, love, personal, random, tattoo, thoughts, work }
{ } · { Leave a Comment }

I don’t have anything in particular.. I mean I do but then this is not about that. This is a ‘just like that’ stuff, you know, general update, nothing intense or serious.

 

So I wanted some change around, and if you’ve not been a regular then let me tell you, I have changed my blogspace appearance theme. I liked the earlier one all bright and sunshine, but this one is also good, very creative and compact, although a little wider column would help keeping the scroll soo never-ending.

Besides that, I’m at at work and sleepy, slept late yesterday, partially because I was talking to New Guy and rest because I’m lazy at times and always pathetic at time management.  Work is work, a little less relieved though (that’s why I’m here). Apart from that, there’s this funny thing, or just thing that happened, so we have these international conference calls in the evening times and I leave early from work so usually take these calls from home on cell. Yesterday, sis was to meet this internet guy for the first time and she didn’t want to go alone so she asked me to join her, so I did and then I totally forgot about the call , actually to be exact  I never remembered it at all. Now today morning my senior(who’s now rolling off to new project) asked me if I was on call. I told her I was not at home and hence could not, she like ‘ attend them seriously as you are working closely on these things’. I’m like ok will. Then I got thinking about how put up this entire thing is, I mean if I loved what I did and if I was worried or interested then I would’ve never forgotten about it. Then it would be me who would be there and take things up. And then I want a promotion, that means more of this thing that I’m not even bothered about. Its nothing new and has happened a couple of times with me so I know how it is, I go home and completely forget about it all. Maybe its all natural, maybe I’m irresponsible, maybe it’s another factor showing how much I’m not into what i’m doing or maybe it’s just something normal that I’m adding as my list of excuses. Not sure! Anyhow all I hope is that this missing out on calls in not being considered for my promotion criteria. Hell I know it is! just hope it isn’t impacting so much. See all I want is more money and less work and that’s what a promotion will get me, then I’ll be up for taking these calls and managing work and time and all as I will not have much work type work to do. I think!

 

Anyhow, another thing i’ve been spending a lot! Like more than what I do and  more than what I should do. I’ve  swapped that credit card a few times now, over expensive cafes that serve the same coffee only soo expensive it gives you a high that you can actually spend so much ona cup of coffee and also some on cosmetics, thanks to sis, trying to buy the entire store. Imagine she was all for buying a 3 square inch eyeshadow color palate for 800 bucks.. please don’t get a heart attack, it was only India Rupee currency.. but seriously! I also bought this dark green V-neck pullover from Benetton. I like it! yay! its only for 1000 Rs. yay! I have been wanting that for a long time so yay again!  But I need to stop on the spending and crazy as it may sound, all my Facebook horoscopes (and other)read not to overspend, go check for Libra. Confession: Also some of the shopping spree has been intended around the next date with New Guy, as you know I’ve been a complete miser and you can’t be an idiot when you date, I mean you can, but I don’t want to especially when I’m not. So just some basic updates happening. Don’t roll your eyes… its girls stuff ! lol!

Didn’t got o gym yesterday as was with sis and had to meet that guy ‘V’. He was okay, speaking very less and that’s what is scary, when people don’t talk what they thing, its dangerous. I will go from today, pucca(real) promise.

 

Also recent urge to get back to the tattoo resolution. ‘B’ had got it done on the day we went for frenz engagement and she showed it off and now I’m like dying to get one. What’s the problem? I’m confused as hell again! but seriously, need one before the year ends.

You know what, sometimes  I feel that I get pulled into trying to convince myself that my life is fun and then I do these things that I’m not sure about but they give me some re-assurance at that moment. Don’t know if you got that, but that’s all I’ll say…

*Yawwwnn* back to work type crap…

 

Tc!

Emotions and Bonds *edited title*

{ October 28, 2009 @ 5:47 am } · { Blogroll, Hobbies, Interesting, art, books, dreams, family, feelings, friends, habits, interpret, jazz, life, love, music, personal, random, reading, realtionships, secrets, thoughts, work, writing }
{ } · { Comments (3) }

There are so many meanings to this word ‘bonding’, but what comes first to your mind?

For me, my thoughts run to emotional bonds, bonds of love, bonds of friendship, bongs of adoring, bonds of caring.

Emotions always intrigue me to think more, observe more, see through what appears and what lies beneath, know why you feel a particular way and why not? There’s so much to it and I want to see it, know it. I think that’s why I’m so fond of emotional movies too, like Love Aaj Kal, When Harry met Sally, Jerry Maguire, Wake up Sid, Forest Gump(absolute Fave, I’ll watch it a million times, I think I already know most of the dialogues), Big Fish, Never been Kissed, Made of Honor (Love this, actually love Tom too;) ),P.S. I Love You(awww I cried twice in the first I watch).. and the list can go on. 

Keeping to the original thoughts ‘Emotions and Bonding’. I love to bond, I love the feeling, like you connect, literally like you can sense the existing of this thread that connects you and another person. It feels like you know this something exists and only you can feel this and share this thread/bond, its unique, its only for you too, irreplaceable, absolutely ir-reproduceable. It’s a great feeling!

It might seem that I’m making too much out of a small and very common part of human nature and existence, but,  if you actually stop and think about it, you’ll know that every bonding you share with every person on this earth is so unique. It’s like its your own exclusive antique collection, nowhere else to be found on the earth. Thrilling na! 

I share different kinds of bonding with so many people and this is when I’m not a very social person, so I’m so sure you’all would also have many such bondings…do share…

Friendship Bonding -  Here also there are many types..

I have friends I share a total masti type bonding, we connect on how to have fun and what you find fun. It’s cool! As soon as I say ‘I really enjoy sitting at Nescafe till late nights and sipping coffee’ and the other person says ‘me too’, click, there’s a bonding. Then I have a few friends who might not know much about my personal life and vice-versa, and also we don’t feel there is anything missing if we don’t share it, coz what we’re bonding over is FUN!

There are friends I can talk to for hours without even having to stop for a second to collect what to talk about next. I love this bonding too, the Talk-Talk type, hey! that’s a nice one, I’ll call this ‘Talk-Talk bonding’. It feels so good to be able to say everything in your mind, in fact I think I share this bonding with my blog as well. :) I love this blog space!! I’m a working software engineer adult! Believe me!/? lol!

Another very unique bonding in friendship is that comes from books & reading. I love this one too. Now I may not know much fancy authors and I usually stick to popular fiction stuff until this last time I went to Connaught Place and picked up random books whose summary seemed interesting from a second-hand books shop (if anyone want to know, it’s the Book corner next to Plaza) and it made me feel all like ‘great reading taste and stuff type’ and the books were all good too (see my novels I’ve read links on right hand). I love to talk about the writing skills and how you interpret these words and how the other person feels about it, and the great thing about this bonding is that it exists even if the ideas you have are totally different, like opposites. It actually excites me to know that a person could find a piece so contrasting to how I felt and interpreted it. I find this different mind and thoughts type stuff quite interesting. I should have so gone into psychology. ‘The bloody list of  Should’s ’ again. Hey next post on this, or maybe a book? You’ll read na..?

And another unique bonding I can think of is the ‘Altering bonding’, this happens that you may connect every time on a different thing, not like every time, but like frequently. And I think this one leads to one of the best friendships you have. I love friendships. I love to care, be cared for, to share, to confess, to console… awww… I’m all aww type now, *back to normal please, I’m in office remember!*

Also, yes I missed the ‘Confess All bonding’, there are some people you feel you can say anything to and they will not judge you for it. I confess to sis and I love her for not judging me, although her love for baby sis does surface and she advices me a little later, but never judges me. Another friend ‘S’ I used to confess to, but now things have gone sour, she was in Delhi and I called her to meet up, then she got busy and left without even talking and then I saw he status on Facebook reading that ‘if we just accept people the way they are no one would end up loosing friends’ and I knew that was for me. She doesn’t consider me her ‘confess all friend’ anymore, or even just a friend. It makes me sad. Really! I lost one very unique bond from my collection and with a  lot of pain in my heart!  But I don’t think about it much as it has been like this for a while now.

Other Bonding -  Now I didn’t want ot put there something like ‘Love Bonding’ or something, coz I feel the source of all the above and next to come bonding is Love is some way or the other.

There’s also this ‘Adoring Bonding’ that might not totally be two-sided by I’d still call it a bonding and add it to my collection please. Sometimes, you find some people so adoring, like you can just sit and watch them/listen to them/observe them. You might adore them for their beauty, intelligence, art, talent, easiness, style, arrogance. It’s so great. I observe strangers sometimes, behaving, reacting, being themselves as in their routine ways. I like to admire the everyday routine-ness of it all, the casual natural and everyday general reactions and behavior. I also adore a few more people, for the way they are or secretly for the way I wish I could be. I love to adore…love.. This bonding make you feel so warm and human (god know why I need to feel this all the time.. wat re-assurance do I want? that I’m not a dog? .. lol! On a serious note, I think I just love to feel that I have a heart. Whatever sense that makes!)

Then there is this ‘Protective Bonding’, like you just can’t help but feel so protective of the other person.. oh, this reminds me of Edward Cullen “I feel very protective of you”, do you guys notice the way his lips move up from the corners showing his fang teeth. Ooohhh… I love this decent vampire.. lol! Anyways, so yes, about feeling concern for a person, like you  know they deserve all the good and you want to make sure they get it. It may be your sibling, friend, someone else. It’s all about the concern. I have this bond for my baby bro. :)

One more interesting one I remember, I’ll call it the ‘You as Me Bonding’. You know sometimes when we feel every joy and grief of another person as it is our own. Like anything good happens to them and you start jumping like it was happening to you. Like I told you’all about this friend of mine ‘Nilu’. See me and him, we are so close, like we don’t know each other’s family troubles or other deep feelings, we do share stuff on life, aspirations, feelings, thoughts but all in general, sometimes each other’s relationship stuff also, but when he told me he’s going to New York, I was so happy. I could feel the happiness and I knew when its my turn then also I would feel something very similar. I also adore him  lot. These bonding are the type that make you feel that even if you meet the person after 10 years or talk after ages (like me and him, we have gaps of months) even then everything will be the same, nothing changes between you two. You both might change to become different people in your own lives, but when you’re together, sharing that bonding space, then everything remains as it was 10 years ago. I fee in this bonding there is also a  very strong sense of understanding and being on the same level of thinking. Yay! I have someone like that! You should too…its lovely!

I think I’ve exhausted this page.. :)

Just one more bonding space I can think of right now, ‘Interests bonding’, when you bond over interests. I know I mentioned books above, so maybe that can go over to other interest too… any hobbies you have. Mine are sketching, reading, music, dancing, travelling, writing,.. and so many.

What the hell am I doing stuck in this cubicle and popping my eyes out for hours in front of this computer??? I Should be an artistic person, I am an artistic person…

Fuck type stuff happens… I guess just being practical and getting the bills paid.. lol!

And Last but not the least, to end on a good note, I love the bonding I share with everyone who reads my blogs and has a word or two to say to me! I love it when you guys comment. It makes me feel so worthy that you take the time to say something to me! really? I mean this is a fast time and money is time, so when you stop and share, I’m honored. Also, it makes me believe a little more in myself, you know writer and all. :)

Keep the comments coming darlings!!

Late night / early morning post

{ October 25, 2009 @ 10:34 pm } · { Blogroll, Hobbies, Interesting, dating, dreams, family, feelings, friends, habits, health, interpret, life, love, music, personal, random, reading, realtionships, secrets, sex, thoughts, work }
{ } · { Comments (2) }

Yup! I’m blogging at home, but no one’s awake so it more like alone type thing. I don’t know what thing I have with blogging with not any interference, but that’s how it is. I like to acknowledge my thoughts and feelings in peace. So, let’s get to it right away then. Shall we (dance Mr.Clark)? hehhe.. couldn’t stop myself..

About my weekend, my Friday evening was spent in office, working till 9pm(from 7 am ), there was this important piece that we wanted to complete and I took to completing it, like I have been doing for te past 2 weeks with only last week as leaving on normal time except of course Friday. So I stayed and worked(this better pay off in appraisal) and then New Guy called after his work hours to talk and I was busy so we kept texting and he showed a little concern that I should eat something and stuff.  Btw my mobile bill has gone upto 3 times from that before I knew him. We talk a lot and earlier I found it all very interesting, but off late there’s not much to it. It’s ok!,  I get little bored also. We still speak a lot on the phone, also spoke till late on Friday night.

So it wasn’t confirm if we were to come to office on Saturday or not, but on Saturday morning I got a call from my manger and she’s like we’ll need you there. I was mentally prepared for it so I was okay. Also, earlier when there were talks on weekend work, I had declined saying that I will be going out with family, but when the urgency came so I said I will change my plans and come if required. hehehe. Hope my manager considers all this, what the heck? she has to bloody hell! fingers crossed! I need a promotion… No, I need a job change.. No, career change.. Now you know why I don’t like to talk about my work right?  So went to work and got stuck till 7pm and then came back home and ordered pizza(yes, pleading guilty, 10-15 min yoga through the week and then pizza weekend..*guilty*) and spoke to New Guy was also busy with a frenz wedding, so nothing much, chatted with sis and mom and off to sleep.

Now comes glorious Sunday, woke up at 12pm. Rushed to get ready with no bath and go shopping as I couldn’t think of anything I could wear on the dinner date with New Guy, which I thought would be o some real fancy place (read on for what it was). now don’t think I’m such a loser trying to impress a guy and all okay. I really couldn’t think of one thing that I had that would make me feel confident on a classy type place, I mean I have but then I had worn it to the last time we met and then I didn’t mind buying a ‘for keeps’ item to my less existent wardrobe. So  I dragged sis along, we searched this entire flea market for something exclusive(which now sounds stupid..) but found nothing, but I did land up buying these amazing gladiator heels for half than original cost. They look hot, like my type hot(will need a post on this to explain). Yay! Then we moved a much class market and I tried almost every good store but no luck. So I landed up splurging on a great bag, its super cool, not too much girly and also structured and classy, just what I like. But its little expensive so can’t take it for everyday purpose and have neatly put it back in my cupboard. lol! ( A little particluar…hehe). And you know what! all these horoscope type stuff that I have been reading for this week/month said about ‘not to indulge in splurging’. But seriously, how much can even a sane girl like me resist?  But not going to splurge more this month (only 6 days more..lol! ) and will try not to next month too (see, sane na?). And somehow this feeling of wanting new stuff has really heightened a lot in the past week or so. I never feel like this. Maybe it’s because I want to be really presentable and all in front of New Guy and that doesn’t mean pretending to be something I’m not, it’s just that I haven’t keeping myself well and like myself either. I’ve been more than lousy and looking pathetic with old and repetitive clothes and stuff. God! how much will I embarrass myself here? no more.. you got the thing na? 

After so much running around we reached home about 45min before he was to pick me. I asked him where we’re going so I can dress accordingly and he said anything casual. Now I knew it wouldn’t be so casual so I took a semi-casual look  – black sleeveless top with front bow and little deep V-neckline from mango, with open semi woollen top that I bought last week with big buttons and elbow length puffed cum roughed sleeves and dark blue jeans with my new beige gladiator heels, Also I kept the make-up minimal and clean, gloss, little blush and eye pencil. Got the picture? I thought I looked good, like maybe 8.5, no 9 out of 10. and felt confident too(most important for me). I kept him waiting for 20 min and he is so impatient he kept calling again and again, and I kept saying just 5 min. :) We left and then he started apologizing for this little tiff we had earlier in the evening when he said we should move the time ahead else he won’t be able to come. I know pathetic right? God know why I even accept this ? I gave it off to him and told him we can cancel if he wants to save his time and all. Finally he called and said sorry and said he’ll be there on our agreed time. I agreed as I wanted to go too, but not after saying a few more stuff. heheh. He apologized and then I accepted the apology when he said I could slap him and I did, not hard but little. At this time he had stopped the car on the road side of this really lonely road, so then we got a little comfy and shared a very light kiss . I liked it, but still no feelings and I like that also, although its so new for me to be with someone I don’t feel for, but honestly things seem so light, no expectations, no change in my life plans, no living up to expectations..blah.blah. I like it! for now.

Then we moved to the place he had thought, actually I had asked him to decide to see his choice and all, so yes the place was good, a five-star hotel restaurant. Nice! We started talking and then he tells me why he wanted to take me for dinner was to celebrate the new job that he’s taking up. That was sweet! a little scary like getting attached type, but sweet and seemed harmless. So we talked and ate and a few drinks (all sober) and at one point he said he wanted to kiss me and I behaved little shy type smile. Okay laugh out! Now I’m new to this unattached stuff, so I really don’t know how to react. lol!

 2 hours passed away and we made a move for home as we were already getting late. Now a little worry part, I already told him the time I need to get home by(11pm) and he didn’t pay much importance to it and said we could get a little late with traffic. I didn’t like that. I mean what does he think of me? I hope he doesn’t have any loose ideas. He better not! i’d like the guy to respect my time and limits. I clearly told him that next time I won’t get perm coz we crossed the time this time. He didn’t tak that seriously too, now next time I’m not making evening plans at all. Wait and watch! Wow ! I like this game, all calculating and no emotional stupid type behavior.

Then on the same lonely way back home, he stopped the car with some lame excuse that I was also part of and then we had some intimate moments. Nothing much and I kept reminding we should move. Again no feeling from me..yay!! but it was fun! hey, I’m still a decent girl.. just having some fun she deserves.

He dropped me home at 11:30pm, half an hour late and I spoke to him for a couple of minutes, you know, “Thanks! I had a good time”, was actually OK, but some encouragement is required..I sound like a pro at this now!!lol!

 

Next time, no late evening plans… should learn a lesson right?

 

And btw it’s been more than 1 hour I have been typing! its 3:55 am now, but good I got this all here, else I wouldn’t have the enthu to pull all details it has now.

 

Forgot to ask, how was your weekend darlings?

They say”You’re a dreamer”. True!

{ October 23, 2009 @ 6:49 am } · { Blogroll, Hobbies, Interesting, art, dating, dreams, family, feelings, habits, health, interpret, jazz, life, love, personal, random, realtionships, secrets, thoughts, work, writing }
{ } · { Comments (3) }

There’s a part of me that wants to be so much more. Much more than what I am, most of these are not really possible or lets say not practical as they’re not my ‘aim in life’, yet I keep these crazy aspirations bring thrill and excitement to me.

 

“You’re a dreamer… and when there is so much to dream and plan, who has the plan to actually go out there and do it”, I read that somewhere about Librans. Now I know that doesn’t give a very mature picture of me, but I know it’s actually true.. many times..

 

The many things that I have on my crazy list and in my (so exciting) dreams:

 

1. Be an actress - Now see I like acting and have been in theatre throughout school, but nothing after that. I also feel that I will be good if I try it. I think I should take this up sometime, maybe some theatre or something. Let’s see!

2. Learn the piano - Much achievable and not so crazy. But then I can’t seem to push myself to it. It would cost a lot and my finances are not for selfish pursuits right now. I’m not letting this get off the list anytime.

3. Have the body of a bikini babe – okay – almost! - Again, this has been on my list for sometime and I know I can do this, but if you’ve been reading you know I get super excited, get o the gym, take healthy diet, loose weight, reach almost near to being called slim and then loose interest. Started(trying) Yoga in mornings since this week, which reminds me it was chilly today morning (for me that’s 5:30am), so don’t know how this will go. But really, I want a good body and I know I have the determination to get it, but it’s just that I’ve tried and fallen off track a couple of times and all so. Let’s try again then, shall we?

4. Want to be part of a rock band - I could,  if I only knew some instrument or great vocal chords. Alas! You can only be gifted with few talents, and that too I haven’t explored yet :) Bur seriously! to imagine myself in a rock type person, all cool-headed and all you care about is how good that beat is, wow! I really appreciate people who are driven by passion, like crazy single-headed life-consuming passion!  I’m such a wanna-be na? I know.

5. Learn French language - Again doable and same reason as piano.  Although I did learn it for 2 months after my 12th exams and I still hae it kept at home, but then.. hmm… excuses?? maybe… or just there are other important things that require attention and green. Did I hear self-pity?? Nooo! Please!! (I’m saying it so probably it already exists in my mind.. fucking mind..)

6. Be a Travel show host -  I’m a eggetarian, so no non-vergetarian. Somehow I feel that is one very good reason this is on the dream list. Also, I don’t know if I would be up for this stuff. I feel I can, but I don’t know.  Time is so less, where do I start? lol!

7. Be a love and hope exuberant  person - Not like try hard and all, but you know some people are naturally like that. So giving, warm. They meet you for the first time and hug you, and you feel like you’ve always hugged them like this, for years. I want that nature, that personality! So comfortable, positive, zero awkward, always smiling, nothing bad ever brings them down. Ever! I try sometimes to bring lightness and goodness around me, but that’s not naturally there. Naturally there’s doubt, awkwardness, conscious, guarded, feeling vulnerable and other stuff. Yet I try, so cheers ya!

  

8.  Social Service - I know, I’m so contradicting everything i wrote above, but yes its true. I want to be working selflessly, being of use, making something out of this life. I want to make a change in all the things that I feel pity or helpless about. I know, big talk and no work right? But I did try once to get into voluntary street children education, but then they needed at least 8 hours a week, which was not practical, so I politely backed out. I find it better and more moral to not start something I feel I will not complete rather than start with doubts and leave in between.

Anyway, so once I was also joking to friends that I’m going to do social service and there I’ll meet a guy who is all I want. So they were like you’ll marry a guy who does only social work, so broke/minimal green type? I said, “No, I’ll find out later that he’s the heir of a royal family and is more than a billionaire, and yet he’ll be so grounded and giving. And yes, he’ll pick me and i’ll pick him too.” :)  Lol!

  

 

Enough gossip for the day or now!

As you’ve heard(read)me saying(writing) before, need to get back to work. :)

 

TC!

 

Hey … just thought of couple more stuff, but they’re all so do-able and or on my New Year resolution list, still would like to mention:

 

Non- crazy list:

- be a successful writer/author

- learn a dance form till the highest level

- get a permanent tattoo (this year.. for sure)

 

gotta go now!!!

BYE!!!!

Rays of Hope..

{ October 8, 2009 @ 12:55 pm } · { Hobbies, Interesting, art, books, dating, dreams, family, feelings, friends, habits, health, interpret, life, love, music, personal, random, reading, realtionships, secrets, sex, thoughts, work, writing }
{ } · { Comments (2) }

Every now and then we fall away from our dreams, we drift to ‘to-do’ lists and other important stuff. Exhaust life out of ourself hoping, just hoping we will ge where we want. Then what about today? Now? Where you stand? Doesn’t that count?  I didn’t wanna get to sadistic, but seems like I’m quite a natural at it. lol!!

 

Anyways, so I wanted to say was that sometimes the simplest of things give you hope to dream again. Some kind of unwavering faith that we carried in our childhood comes back, even if for a moment. It may be few words, an event, something , anything. It makes you believe!

I love that feeling. It brings me to a place where everything I want is waiting for me to want it and believe in it. No questions, no logic, it just is!

I recently went to watch ‘Wake Up Sid’ with New Guy and it brought me back to wanting what makes me happy. To write, to believe, to be different, to be me. I want to be a writer, someone creative, someone original. Me!! So self obsessed ?? Ya Ya …

Btw did you notice that I haven’t been updating anything about New Guy?? You see the non-existence of even an E of  excitement, I do!! More on this later … Maybe.

 

I can’t say why do I loose track of these hopes. But having said that I’m still hanging on, I mean I’m in the office right now, on an important conference call about the hectic work that will be coming up and what and how to go about it, but still, I’m completing this blog. You see!!

One more thing that gets me back to those lovely dreams of a fab life of being a writer(freelance if I may please), living in New York and also if you would just throw in a Fab Bod and great Fashion sense… Do I hear Sex in the City?? YES Please… :)

Hopes of an innocent person.. too much to ask for?? Nooo!

Okay, Now I’m certain you’re thinking I’m crazy, idiot and immature. But you know what? I think that’s what you should be, crazy enough to love your dreams and not care about being thought as crazy!!

Also, a good read makes me all energized and ready to carry my notepad/diary around all the time. I love to read! I love words and how they bring alive everything they touch, the messages they carry, the warmth they carry, how just within seconds of moving your eyes from left to end of the page you start feeling sensual or whatever, also how they make you want to snuggle up with be in love. They bring your emotions out to the open and play around.

Okay,  I really need to get back to work now.. lol!! I wish I could stay and say so much more…

Later.. later…

PS: I just started reading a blog and it was a guy writing poetry.. wow!! n good stuff!. I didn’t know such guys existed.. Did you?  ;)

 

 

 

 

Today is where your book begins, the rest is still unwritten

{ September 22, 2009 @ 4:14 am } · { Blogroll, Interesting, dating, dreams, family, feelings, friends, habits, interpret, life, love, music, personal, random, realtionships, secrets, thoughts, weddings, work }
{ } · { Leave a Comment }

I love this track and have been listening to it over and over again since i downloaded it. I was watching ‘The Hills’ and noticed the soundtrack and traced it to get it. Did I mention I love soundtracks, from movies, series, cartoons.. They carry a certain feeling that you felt when you were listening to it in the background with all emotions that the movie/series had brought you into. Mostly I love the tracks that run in backdrop for of happy endings, lovers meeting and soft slow kisses scenes. So like girls huh! Well, ya! :)

Anyways, so my weekend was so much fun and relaxing. It was a good break I needed and the extended monday off gave me just that. Well if you ask me all the details then I don’t think I’m gonna pen everything but here are the highlights:

Friday   -    after office when to my Aunt’s place, it was my cousins birthday party and we had lot of fun. Later at night me and she got chit chatting till the wee hours and slept only when we couldn’t speak no more.

 

Saturday   -   Stayed at Aunt’s till afternoon and then came back home. Rested a while and chatted with New Guy and then left for office around 4:30pm. Left office at 8:30 pm and back home.

 

Sunday   -  Sunday woke up really late, close to afternoon and then went to GK with cousins and sis, bought cousin her b’day gift and then to the local flee market to pick something for myself for the DATE on monday with New Guy and bought something of sis’ choice but wasn’t comfortable it reflected who I am (not very sure of what that is either). She called it decent and flirty and I got nervous. Came back home and oiled my hair, put face bleach, tried the clothes and ate sis’ head over which shoes to wear. She said high heels but I was no-no and then later after much talk I tried them with the flirty top and they looked good. although I was nervous that I’ll look all gawky and weird walking in them which is funny coz I do wear heels on occasions (clubbing and marriages). Btw the CAPS coz i haven’t been on a date in like 4-5 years now. God! I know!

 

Monday   -   I got up late and started getting ready for the date. Washed my hair and to0k a long bath. Came out of shower and saw New Guys message that said ‘urgent! Call me’. I did call and got to know his friend’s mom had passed away and they were going to drop him at airport and all so it was but obvious cancelled date. I mean even if w could meet it would be the worst ever time right with thought of life and death hovering our mind space he wouldn’t even notice my flirty top. Anyways, I was feeling like I was giving this New Guy thing a lot more importance than actually I should, considering that I wasn’t even sure if I would like to date him after meeting him or just be friends and all the shopping made me feel bit weird and stupid. So I felt a little relived that it was cancelled. My nerves were too tensed to be casual and meet him. I relaxed the entire day and chilled at home. Even sis stayed back (lazy bum) even though it wasn’t her off.

 

Last night I spoke to New Guy for almost 2 hours and inspite of my resolution to hit the bed by 10pm, I was talking to him till 11:20pm. I did text him to call be before 10pm saying I had a super early day (true) and he called at 9:45 pm. He was feeling a little low and I got him talking and we chatted over stupid and silly stuff and some other stuff.

 

When I speak to him I loose track of time, really, we talk about so much and still there’s so much more to say. Now I’m not sure if this is happening because I’m speaking to someone totally new who knows  nothing about me, or because we bond well together. Well, see if I didn’t connect to him then I wouldn’t be able to talk much anyways right, but also I’ve been so stuck up with the same people for so long that talking so much feels new and exciting. I hope I’m not making much of this to my head and heart (well can’t help that, I’m charlotte remember? Imagination runs wild). So much so, I’m leaving things to when we meet and how I find him, coz do I have my head on my shoulders and know that it’s altogether a different thing to meet someone than talking on the phone.

 

Now, that’s another concern, see I like talking to him and everything but then just yesterday this thing came to my head that things will change after we meet. I don’t know for better or worse, but they certainly will. Now you might think that I’m an ass who hasn’t understood the way life works, it’s all about CHANGE. I know, but maybe this is my lowered confidence (mostly due to chubby body and no money to buy fancy clothes with perfect fit) but I’m a little worried/concerned/doubtful of how this nice equation I have with New Guy will change when I meet him. I’m so comfortable talking to him right now, but somehow these well settled people with their parents earnings and no burden of running the family and their won handsome salaries to spend on themselves, all this makes me feel like an outsider. I feel like I’ll be left behind if I walk with them and even worst will be making them feel ashamed to have me around. Maybe its only my insecurities talking. I hope. But then there’s nothing I can do to stop this change. 

We’ve planned on meeting on Friday and most probably I will be in my other office (in attempt to try avoiding giving the birthday treat to office people, coz I can’t afford spending 1-2 G on these useless people who don’t even know me at all and neither do I want them to. So maybe i’ll meet him after work as his office is also close by and that made me nervous and panick again coz then I’d have to dress for office and meeting New Guy at the same time. Now that’s not good, as it is I have less decent stuff and also the new flirty top won’t be useable as that is a complete office no -no. Let’s see how it goes.

I’m thinking much about this all right? Yeah! but then I think much about anything.. so .. it’s not much right?

Trying to keep up with everything and myself… you stay around too and I’ll tell ya everything… meanwhile this is just the beginning and the rest is still unwritten. Perfect match for my situation!   :)

Generally speaking.

{ July 28, 2009 @ 4:01 am } · { Interesting, dreams, family, feelings, habits, health, interpret, life, love, music, personal, random, secrets, thoughts, work }
{ } · { Comments (4) }

Its happened more than a few times now that I open up wordpress thinking of writing something and then I start reading other blogs and end up not writing anything. Not blaming others, its just that sometimes you only have a  moment to say something, you either let it out right then or will never, something like that.

Its weird really, I am sitting in my office at my desk, actually chair, so why do we use the phrase ’sitting at my desk’? anyways, and listening to some sad + romantic+ feelings type+melodious songs (I’m thinking i need to change the list of songs on my desktop, something peppy maybe)  and smelling the coffee aroma from the cup in front of me (which is now not allowed, no beverages, eatables at your desk) and I’m lost, like literally lost, I need to pull myself to bring my mind to work and so what I ought to.

I’m so tired of asking the same questions to myself  & God, there are no answers. I try to look for clues, signs, something, anything. Tell me what I want? I’m here and doing fine, but every now and then I feel lost. I seem to feel so out of place.

The weather is clearing out after a good rain and heavy clouds since last evening, I wish my mind would be clear too. I think about it and nothing I know. I’ve tried ignorance and all it makes me feel is a loser. I’ve wanted so much but haven’t achieved quite much. How can you want something you don’t even know? I know I want to be doing what I’m passionate about, but what is that? When will life take a turn for good and take me to where I belong ? There’s so I want, so much of what I don’t even know.

Silence makes me aware of my ignorance and thoughts only tell more of what a wrong place I am at, yet I go on, I have to, I owe it to my family.

A thought comes to my mind, how can my focus be so limited. I hear of people doing it all together, responsibilities, love, finding their dreams, getting health. And all I do is try and try. Will this pay off? ever?

When everything seems like a burden, is there a need to drop everything and leave ? I don’t think I have the guts to do that either.

where am I? and why?

I so need to stop that listening to those sad songs .. after this one maybe.

A shift to happier thoughts…

{ July 20, 2009 @ 4:23 am } · { Hobbies, dreams, feelings, habits, interpret, life, music, personal, random, reading, secrets, thoughts, work }
{ } · { Comments (3) }

I came in this morning feeling OK, in-spite the fact that I have been to office on both the weekends and yesterday I reached back home at midnight and got up this morning at 6am and was in office by 7:30am. Maybe as this was the first time for working 7 days in a row and that too not all hours. Anyways, so after few minutes into the office my head was buzzing with thoughts, yes, useless and torturing thoughts, the kind that make you feel like your head was to explode if it made an effort to resolve what was happening inside. There were thoughts of what and how and when and past experiences and judgement and self criticism and hell of other things.  I opened the blog to write something, but again putting the thoughts on the blog would make it a fact and less ignores, it would become a proof of their existence and also not much of a read for others or myself  in later years (which I think is also a reason this blog will serve), so I didn’t put them down and decided to do some reading and then came upon this post . This really made me want to change my thoughts and I ran some thoughts of seeing myself going to New York and living happily there and my feelings switched from confused to happy and smiley. Also switched my songs list to chirpy and make-me-wanana-dance songs from sad-drowning songs.

I have read about the law of attraction and don’t doubt its work, but the thing is until you yourself experience it you will never know how it works, somewhat like swimming I think, you can see others move their legs and hands and cross the pool but when you’re in the water you need to figure out yourself and how your body needs to move to stay afloat. Well, I did learn swimming after not loosing hope and trying, so maybe this ‘law of attraction’ too is round the corner to come true. Like I read (and also have it on my office desk) “Whenever I hear, ‘It can’t be done’, I know I’m close to success”

I want to become the positive person who vibrates with enthusiasm and lives life in the best way under all circumstances. I want to run my own life.

target for today : Keep the happy feelings intact throughout the day.

« Previous entries