Archive for work

Life Updates…

{ November 29, 2009 @ 7:27 pm } · { Blogroll, Interesting, dating, feelings, friends, habits, interpret, life, love, music, personal, random, realtionships, secrets, sex, thoughts, weddings, work, writing }
{ } · { Comments (3) }

I haven’t been talking about what’s been happening recently for a while. So, here’s all that has been going on.

Okay, last that I remember was a big time venting and full of ranting post on how the hell I hated New Guy and was going not going to get manipulated into his ways. So that story ended by me telling him that we can only be friends and no way is this even getting anywhere. As expected he was all no-no and not agreeing but I was adamant. I was very clear about it all and then he had no option. lol! I stopped the late night talks and early morning calls. I was still speaking to him few times in the day, but he was all boohoo and sent me a message saying that he was feeling deserted. Ya right!! I wasn’t falling for the trap this time. yay! for that :) . This is making me feel so sensible and grown up and less idiot! :) Then I did speak to him late night for a few times(i think 3) last week and none of it was anywhere close to anything cozy, all friends stuff. Last night he did say that he was feeling something, but I totally put the logic into it all and made him believe it that it was only because he was relating it our earlier talks and it okay and with time he would get over it.

Today I had a fight with him, I think that’s what it was, atleast from my end. Now I was back from this crappy date, actually not even worth calling it a date (more on that below) and he was somewhere near my place with his brother(who’s getting married in 10 days) and I asked him if we can catch up for coffee. First he tells me that my bro is with me, so you decide. When I said ‘we could go for coffee, but I don’t know your brother so you ask him’, then he said ‘My brother is saying it’s too late and not decent to meet at this hour (9:30pm) and it would get late too’. WTF!! If you don’t want to come/ can’t come, then be a man and say so, you don’t put the other person feel like they have no sense of decency and no home and they are like street people who go anywhere with anyone. I would have slapped that guy if he was in front of me.  I told him to not teach me what decency is and got to hell (or something like that).

You know this thing that I was saying about expectations from others, see here it is, I expected him to consider that I’ve been taking all his crap and been so nice to him and should come atleast for sometime. And also his brother, New Guy and me keep talking about him a lot, all the wedding stuff and all, so I expected him to be at least friendly, but he’s teaching me what decency is. What do you think I am? I mean really? If you ask a friend for coffee when you’re not feeling very good or even just like that, then does it make you indecent?? Bloody idiotic and conservative and I don’t want to be rude but I don’t get it. The last message that I sent him was ‘plz don’t call or text me’. Loser! Being diplomatic/making me feel stupid when he doesn’t have the guts to make an effort/own up that he doesn’t want to make an effort. Is this what friends/dating type all night talking people are for? Get their entertainment/time / someone to listen to them and talk when they’re free, but when they need to make some effort, then we need to be decent. F*** Off!

 

Now the Crappy date whatever the hell it was..

I got talking to this guy I met on chat sometime on last Monday I think. He sounded ok and we were from the same community(doesn’t matter, just mentioning) and we chatted for sometime and shared pics and then he said he’s a pilot and working with Kingfisher Airlines and all good stuff and I’m new to Delhi. So I believed him and then we exchanged numbers and I accidently didn’t save his number (lol! :) ) coz I was rushing for the guitar class (sounds so cool! yay! ). So he texted me the next day with his name, so I saved the number and replied him. We spoke on phone once and he was extremely humourous and telling his funny experiences, so it was okay, except he was all like too personal on questions and he’s like we should go for a drive and booz. ya sure! I was so taken aback that how can someone be so shameless and pathetic. Anyways I laughed away all that and said we would meet sometime later for coffee and he was in shock or something, as if I’ve asked him to sleep with me when we meet the first time or what, actually I think that wouldn’t have surprised him. Weirdo! Anyways, I was still thinking that its okay, let me give the guy a chance, at least meet him, you never know he’s actually good. What was I thinking? with my luck.. hmmph! So we spoke again on Friday and then he almost was after my life for meeting him anywhere but not coffee. strange na?? Very ya! I was all no-no. I said its only coffee or nothing! he agreed after much blah-blah-. He’s explanation was that coffee meets are too formal. what a jerk and horrible explanation??? To be honest I was curious and was hoping that he might be good (maybe the pilot thing was influencing!). So today evening I asked him what the plan, after much confusion and all we planned to meet near my place and there also happens to be a Cafe near by, so I told him to park his car and we can meet him, and then he started almost screaming that I don’t want to sit and have coffee. I told him to stop shouting and that I was coming. We met in his car and you won’t believe, he didn’t even look at me. And he was so not the person in the picture. He was totally different!! I got so freaked out! he was also almost 29-30 years old, whereas he told me 24. F***. I sat in the car, looked at him and said hi, and went cold. All I could think was please let me get back home safe today. shit man! imagine he lied about the pic, his age, god knows if he was married!! Hell! he definitely looked married! shit man! So he started driving and I was like where are we going? he didn’t seem at all new to the roads, he took onto this lane that is less busy and good for drive type.. eww!! and I was thinking god-help-me!!! Funny thing is he didn’t look at me also!! not even once, he was driving and looking in front and talking. strange uncle? that’s his name ’strange uncle’. :) hahaha. so he never looked at me. And he has this theory about all special friends he has, i made it very clear that we can only be friends, I think at that point I told him so that he wouldn’t try anything funny and which I will totally take back now. I am not at all going to have anything to do with strange-uncle. Then within 2 minutes of drive I said ‘its become quite late right’ (it was 8:35pm) and he said yes let me drop you home and took a U-turn. Thank god. but again strange!! He safely dropped me home and even funny he wouldn’t look at me while saying bye too!! haahhaa.. Psycho strange uncle!! thank you god I’m home safe!! seriously!! I was in shock! How can someone be such a liar? And I even confirmed his age with him, and he’s like I’m 23 will turn 24 now, liar, earlier he had told me 24, will turn 25. Liar!!  and I told him that he looked much older, like 29-30. hahaha… But seriously ya, fuck man!!It was so creepy!! I am still partly in shock.. and everyone at home is all giggle-giggle abou it.. lol! :)   I swear am never going to believe these people online until I check their orkut/fb . Seriously dude!! Creepy! freaky!! Now you see why I asked New Guy for coffee?? I needed to come back to reality, that was not so ugly! But I couldn’t tell him all this na!

Apart from the ridiculous boys stuff, last Friday I attended my college fren A’s engagement party. We did our college together and she was always borrowing money from me and never returning on time. I was more of a friend to her, but I never sort of trusted her like 200% .We also lived together in flats for 2 years. So ya we were close and knew much about each other, but then she has never been of much a friend in need to me and I was always that for her. and i’m totally ok with that too, sometimes you mean more to others than they mean to you. We have been living in the same city but haven’t met since a year (guilty)  but we talked and all. Now her family is all conservative and all, about same caste and early marriage of girls. She had her profile on some matrimony portal and this guy contacted her and she like the profile and earning and all and she felt it was more that she deserved. She was like he doesn’t look so good though. Now she didn’t meet the guy until 1 day before the engagement and she didn’t like him one bit. She called me and I tried to convince her that good looks and happiness are not related and all. But when I saw the guy, oh god! he looked like 10 years older to her and dark and fat and so not deserving. I was shocked, but she was upset so we(me and ‘B’) tried to make her feel its ok and all, make her laugh through the pics. It was terrible! She could have got an average looking guy also, but he was actually bad. I was so sorry for her. But hope there is something good in store and she finds happiness in life. She was going on saying about how she can say no anytime. don’t know what will happen there. Btw I wore a pink saree and looked gorgeous. :) really! a little chubby, you know arms and tummy, but very pretty!! I love to say this and not cute. yay!!!

That’s been pretty much all. Somethings about work from past week too, but I’m too upset that it Monday again and can’t get myself to mention ‘work’ more than I already have, I feel I will start crying anytime. See the shock that idiotic creep has left. God! I’m so sensitive right now, even a mouse could make me shriek! I know its funny!!! :) but true!

Quite a week! lol!!   

 PS: was listening to few sad songs and now have moved to little upbeat type. Sounds like I’m getting out of shock. lol!! :)  

 

Stop beating around the bush

{ November 22, 2009 @ 5:17 pm } · { Blogroll, Interesting, dating, feelings, friends, habits, interpret, life, love, personal, random, realtionships, secrets, sex, thoughts, work, writing }
{ } · { Comments (3) }

that’s just exactly what I need right now. I so need to clear my head and actually realize and know ‘What I really want?’ How much ever time it takes, I need to know this. I don’t care, if I spend 5 years trying to know it. Actually that’s too much time, but considering it took me 2 years to get over the hangover of a 3years serious relationship and sometimes I still ask myself that ‘Am I over it totally? How can I be sure?’, so I think I don’t mind 5 years. What I mind is ‘not knowing?’ , the confusion in your head, the analysis, the million questions and no answers. I mind that, I don’t want that. I’m not the person who can live in doubts, I’m clear as a crystal, here or there, I am what you see, I will tell you what I am, I am not, not at all ‘what I’m not’. I can’t be that, I can’t keep thinking ’is this me?’ about everything I do, I can’t keep questioning my wants and likes, it will bruise my soul, my beliefs, my heart. And somewhere I feel that it already has, a little bit.

I need to stop here.

Breathe! Be with myself and know myself and love every bit of it. I can’t move ahead without it, not even one step, maybe a few steps back if it takes, but not ahead.

I’m talking about matters of the heart and relationships.

 

I thought I was okay with this dating, but its all so uncomfortable. Maybe its just the wrong person I’ve met, but I really don’t know what I want. And how do I know this? well, listen to read more if you’re not tired of my ranting yet.

I have no feelings for him, yet I talk to him early mornings and late nights and message him through the day.

I like to spend time with him, I like the feeling, but I don’t like it later. later if I check his pics on facebook I don’t feel nice, I’m like ‘really? with this guy?’

I hate that he is dominating, but I go along with it. I don’t stop him. i talk when i don’t want to. Yesterday, I had a bad cold and headache and he kept talking till 4am and I mentioned couple of times that I got a bad headache and he’s like ‘aww baby’ and would start again. He knows I  go to work early 7am and when I remind him he says 5 min more and then being inconsiderate as ever, he goes on till another hour. I talk too, but hello? what about a little consideration? I’ve been sleeping  4-5 hours average over the past few weeks. Fuck man! and all this is when I don’t even feel for him. He’s bloody manipulative. I hate manipulative.

 

I always feel he has that temperament of keeping the balance equal on both sides. He can’t go and do something and not expect anything from me. I get that feeling. can’t think of anything particularly, but you know na, when there’s this feeling of there has to be a give for every take. What if we’re not in a relationship? Can’t you just not expect so much. it’s pressurizing now. and I’m taking all this . Shit man!

 

Then there’s this whole thing about how he wants to get into my pants. Well I might have started the flirting and maybe also little stuff, but hello wait for the girl to get comfortable. He keeps talking about it on the phone and then I’m like I don’t want to say much so i listen and he’s like you don’t respond. What? How can you expect me to get into the same place that you are at? and if not then you’re annoyed and i explain. no! Not at all! I won’t ! I don’t owe you any explanation!

I think he just doesn’t posses any basic mannerism and I’m not going to teach him. Coz I care a damn!

Even if we’re being just dating type, you need to respect and behave and not make me feel like I’m here for something that is not decent and that you can persist me into anything.

I need to stop here. And know what I want. BUt this isn’t anywhere close to what I want i know for sure. Am just going to talk to him now. hope I’m not screaming and he understands and we can be friends. if not the F*** it all.

phew! that feels good now. I know too much personal stuff, but hey thats why this space exists. It’s global, yet personal to me.

what I’m at right now..

{ November 21, 2009 @ 10:18 am } · { Blogroll, Interesting, dating, dreams, family, feelings, friends, habits, interpret, life, love, personal, random, realtionships, secrets, thoughts, weddings, work, writing }
{ } · { Leave a Comment }

Firstly sorry for the delay in posts…but please believe me work has been too much lately..too much.. n not that I feel obliged to blog.. but I like to post and when I don’t I feel I owe an apology to myself too, for not letting these thoughts out..and keeping my mind buzzing with them..

So, whats been going on?

Plenty of work! My senior was moved to a new project and then I am taking care of few important projects and there hasn’t been any transition or anything, but it seems like I’m doing much of what she did, but without any training. So what do you expect? yes, Im nervous and confused and also want to prove myself, but then the self-doubt creeps in and all gets confusing. I start questioning if i can or can’t and then feel like a 100 eyes are on me and what I do now will decide how my career takes shape from here on.

I really want it all to work out. I want someone to train me on all the tactics and do’s and don’t, how to handle situations, what decisions to take and then I will do all the right things and come out as shining star. But I know that everything cannot be found in guidebooks and experience teaches you these things, but I also don’t want to fail at attempting and get steps behind, instead of ahead.

What I find most difficult is to have 100% confidence on my decisions, coz I don’t have any reference to look at and say that this is right. I feel confused if this is right or not and then it shows.

I’ve been carrying the office laptop and after work at office, I even take up work at home and then yesterday I was on PTO, but landed up working entire day(except  for the relief of waking up late) and even carried the laptop to my friend (actually sis’s best friend’s ) engagement party, where it died when I was just about to send status mail and thank god it did, coz when I got back home I found some problems and then i finally sent out the status at 2:45am.  Today is off, but we have migrations so I will be working for 2 hours in evening. There is this other girl in my team, so after my senior left, we both are left with the work. Even earlier my senior never did any work only management, and now I have to do management and also work. I sometimes feel that I’m much better of a ‘do all the work’ than ‘manage all the work’. I mean I can do 10 things myself, but giving it to someone else and feeling relieved and sure that they would do it right is difficult, so I end up doing most of it myself. So this other girl ‘D’ in my team, I have been doing most of the work so that she is not blogged with too much and doesn’t get too overloaded. I know, that is not a good management trait, but then can’t help it.

Appraisal’s coming along in December. *fingers crossed*

Apart from work, after few days of restricted talking, I have resumed late night talks with New Guy. There was too much stuff around what we should restrict and how and all, so I said forget everything we’ll just see how it goes. I’ve stopped the morning calls though and that should be good, coz it was getting too much. With all this work havoc going on, it feels good to talk to someone who will listen and talk sweetly and you know. It’s like a stress relief thing. It takes your mind to a different place, even if for sometime only. don’t know how far I should take this, but one thing is for sure, neither of us have any feelings type stuff for each other. actually, we both are in such similar places in our lives, that we know how it is and we want the same things too, ok, he might be thinking a little ahead, but what the heck na.

That’s whats happening right now. Phew!!! good to get it all out!

Howz u???

Pulling the reins

{ November 9, 2009 @ 10:42 am } · { Blogroll, Interesting, dating, family, feelings, friends, habits, interpret, life, love, personal, random, reading, realtionships, secrets, sex, thoughts, work, writing }
{ } · { Comments (4) }

It’s funny how you know it all and yet there’s so less you can do to get it right.

I, for one, am too honest, about how I feel, who I am, what I like and what I don’t. I get so honest that I don’t even filter if teh the other person deserves or is trsut worthy of my honesty or not. This puts me in trouble, a lot of times.

Recently, with New Guy, after the last irritating incident I gave him a good blast over the phone. We spoke on the same night and after advice from friends, who said I should make him realize his mistake, I told him he was loosing his manners and treating me like I’m one of his home friends. He said he didn’t realize he was behaving so selfishly and then said sorry. He also said thanks for making him realize his mistake. ?? I didn’t get this at all. Anyways I was really mad and told him to talk about something else and we spoke for another hour or so (now I’m thinking I did too much talking and will lessen it all). He kept on saying sorry whenever he found the chance.

Then, you won’t believe this, he slept off on the phone while talking to me. WTF!!

He’s done this a few times before and then it was all too funny to get pissed off on, but this time it was too much. I simply disconnected the call and sent him a message that he slept off on the phone. He called up within 2 minutes and when I confronted him, first he clearly denied, then he’s like ‘yaa I don’t know why this happens to me’ .. happens to me?? Dude you slept off, it didn’t happen, you made it happen.. WTF!! When did I start become a magnet to guys with zero traits of mannerism and total ‘I don’t why this happens’ jerks?? God save me! I was super pissed off! I told him to sleep off if he’s sleepy and not do this again.

The next day I didn’t reply to his 2 goodmorning messages. Yes, I became the pathetic ‘goodmorning baby’ & ‘goodnight baby’ ass for a while, no more of that crap anymore. *smirkn at myself* lol! Anyways, so called him sometime in the evening and only spoke for a brief 2 minutes and then nothing. At night I spoke to him only like a friend,all casual stuff and no ‘baby’ stuff . Eww.. wats wrong with me!! He was again said sorry many times, I didn’t say its ok or anything. It wasn’t.  And now I was seriously considering putting an end to this lame attempt at dating and casual nonsense. I mean this was supposed to be fun and enjoyment and now all it was giving me was frustation and anger.. again WTF! Anywhow, then he called me early morning when I was still sleeping and I spoke to him for 10 min in my sleep where he was all baby and stuff but I didn’t respond. I called him after I woke up and told him that I didn’t remember anything. lol!

Later in the eveing, I so wanted to go out, you know somewhere with friends type or something and I was going out with sis and bro for some shopping so I replied to his text that if he wanted to go for a drive. He was all suprised and like yes sure sweety, my pleasure. So I told him to call me @ 8 and I’ll tell him where I am. Now isn’t that clear? You need to be nearby so can tell you where to pick me up from. So much for common sense, I reached home at 8:30 and called him to ask where he was and he was at his home.. WTF!! for the nth time. I was like what?? and then I was about to tell him that this is too much and we shouldn’ t be dating or talking anymore or something and it felt like he’s taking me way to for granted. Then he was like I’m coming to meet you. I said fine, coz I really wanted to meet him, I mean after talking so much on the phone and all the nonsense, you do feel like meeting and something in reality right? I know I’m sounding like an ass but what the heck.. its true.. So he came to pick me and then we went for a drive. He was looking very sulky, but i guess guys master that as the first few theings once they start dating, you know, how to look puppy type, in need of love and care.  Like every sweet girl my anger also melted away by looking at him and this is inspite of knowing that it was all all fake. Anyhow, we moved a little ahead and then instead of sitting into some crowded cafe decided on driving around, which I so was into because I knew what would follow. We talked about it and I told him that I didn’t feel good about it all and that I shouldn’t feel like this because we’re not into anythign so serious andits all supposed to be fun,  but there should not be any disrespectful behavior as that would make me feel cheap and I hate that. He said sorry many times and then we moved along, he showed off a little with his fast driving, which btw I totally like (I know teenage like.. but what to do. can’t help). So then he stopped 9as if I din’t know that) and we made out, like not too much but mostly kissing and a few hicky’s *Blush*. Then we moved along and took 2 cigrattes and smoked them while talking and I asked him for one honest confession and he made a big confession that he lies about where he lived coz he didn’t like that place, but I didn’t miind coz many of my friends live where he lives and its all in his head that its not good and all. It wasa bit shocking but he was feeling so relieved after telling me.. So cute.. God! Cute?? but it was.. I’m again behaving like an ass…should  stop now.

So next we moved back home around 11pm, where I got a hellof a scolding for having no sense and going out late with some guy that I hardly know and blah blah.. I know all this stuf.. but when you’re doing it then it dosen’t seem to reach your ears.. lol!

Wait for life to happen r run after it?

{ November 8, 2009 @ 11:39 am } · { Blogroll, Hobbies, Interesting, dreams, feelings, habits, interpret, jazz, life, love, music, personal, random, secrets, thoughts, work, writing }
{ } · { Comments (4) }

Before I start lemme mention, my left had finger tips are swollen as if bee strung and little red.. any guesses? Yes, the guitar fever iso n again.. :) but this time i’m gonna learn it completely, at least enough to support the statement ‘ I know how to play a guitar’. lol!

 

Coming to what I’ve thought about a lot of times and felt too. Do you sit and wait for life you want to happen or run after it?

 

I feel like I’ve done a little of both. I’ve been doing this job and spending what probably might be the best years of my life, complaining and feeling not so good and then I’ve also tried to run after it by doing these things like the dance classes, swimming classes, something or the other to keep me busy and feel like I’m living a life. I know pursuing a hobby dosen’t seem lame, but when you go for it only to make yourself feel less of a loser and full of life, then I think you’re at a very wrong place altogether. The irony of all of this is that I don’t know where else I want to be if not here or how to get there… OMG! I’m such a loser!!!

 

How do you know what you want and if you do then how do get to it??

I know I’ve said this many times, but still no answers…

25 Random things about me – Continued 2

{ November 6, 2009 @ 5:06 pm } · { Blogroll, Interesting, art, dating, dreams, family, feelings, friends, habits, interpret, life, love, music, personal, random, reading, realtionships, secrets, thoughts, work, writing }
{ } · { Leave a Comment }

Continuing from the last number .

I was on #45 then.. so

46. I find myself in ‘feet in my mouth’ situation quite often. I seriously need to know when to shut up. It’s not like I talk too much all the time, but at times when I start talking and people start responding well, like listening and enjoying then I go beyond a limit and say things I wouldn’t have otherwise ever said.

47. I love to talk, like a good conversation even healthy arguments (typical libra).

48. I am super jealous of I-never-workout-or-diet-coz-I-have-naturally-high-metabolism-and-slim-bone-structure females and males too.. ‘uber jealous!

49. I am a miser. I actually don’t spend much, but when I do its only on good stuff.

U know wat..let me go back and check my previous random posts, I don’t wanna repeat anything.. okay I’m also trying to get popular..and its for the benefit of the newcomers.. :)

2009/02/26/25-random-things-about-me

2009/04/08/25-random-things-about-me-continued

49. There have been times when I couldn’t get the lyrics of some english songs I have gone to google the lyrics. Don’t know if this happens to others or just me ?

50. I like to get appreciated.. I like it a lot! I know this is like common, but sometimes I go beyond my way to keep it that way, like #46, also sometimes when helping someone and they start saying good things about me and then ask for some help that I know will be little extra than what I can do, I go ahead take the pain and help them. This is so much like ‘Joey’ in FRIENDS episode, where Rachel and Joey kiss in Hawaii and he has to tell Ross about it, but Ross goes on about how good a friends Joey has been and then Joey lands up not uttering a word about him and Rachel at all.

51. I have dreamed about working and living independently in an apartment (New York please) alone since I was in 9th standard, but now I seriously doubt if I’ll be able to manage it all.

52. Many a times I idealize something I want so much that everything else seems not enough. Its happened from shopping items to boys.

53. I like listening to music really loud. Right now listening to

‘I don’t hook up’- Kelly Clarkson. I so identify with this one and also looked up the lyrics of this one :)

‘Done all wrong’ – new moon. This is alight weird, but I like the dark vampire theme in background.

54. When I like a song, I go on listening to it on repeat for days. Then I move to something else.

55. Actually this happens with other stuff too, fav pair of jeans, scandals, cardigan, muffler.. hmm.. I exhaust the hell out of what I like.. ;) Hope there are no side effects to this..I know there may be..let’s look at the bright side for now. :)  

56. I actually think I can sing well, but I also know better. But this thought that if you get proper training and all then maybe I could have. I’m not that bad now either.

57. I am a very responsible person. How? I have waking up at 5:30am for 2 years now for my job, which as you know is not much my passion. Just imagine if I were into something I loved doing..

58. I feel I’m very vulnerable person and really try hard to hide that, to show I’m strong and don’t care, but I don’t think it works much coz I still find myself in a position where I am feeling bad but not showing it but the other person doesn’t even realize it. Recent incident will be quoted in second post for the night.

59. I haven’t been religious since college, but now started fasts on Thursdays and it makes me feel good. Some peaceful feeling.

60. Much of the times I wish I had a more clear and forgiving heart. Really I wish.

61. People who know less about me seem to be more impressed with me and not so much when they get to know me better. I think so. Maybe I seem all sensible and serious know-it-all-in-control type, until they know how much confusion happens in this mind of mine.

61. I love my family. Just sometimes I think I get selfish and then mix miser into it, so I stop them from some expenditure but do the same for myself.

I think enough for today…

Hope you’al like it.. see I want to be liked.. I guess everybody does..

I like to move it..hahaha.. ‘everybody does’ triggered that one..

Just like that..

{ November 3, 2009 @ 5:09 am } · { Blogroll, Interesting, art, body canvas, dating, feelings, friends, habits, health, life, love, personal, random, tattoo, thoughts, work }
{ } · { Leave a Comment }

I don’t have anything in particular.. I mean I do but then this is not about that. This is a ‘just like that’ stuff, you know, general update, nothing intense or serious.

 

So I wanted some change around, and if you’ve not been a regular then let me tell you, I have changed my blogspace appearance theme. I liked the earlier one all bright and sunshine, but this one is also good, very creative and compact, although a little wider column would help keeping the scroll soo never-ending.

Besides that, I’m at at work and sleepy, slept late yesterday, partially because I was talking to New Guy and rest because I’m lazy at times and always pathetic at time management.  Work is work, a little less relieved though (that’s why I’m here). Apart from that, there’s this funny thing, or just thing that happened, so we have these international conference calls in the evening times and I leave early from work so usually take these calls from home on cell. Yesterday, sis was to meet this internet guy for the first time and she didn’t want to go alone so she asked me to join her, so I did and then I totally forgot about the call , actually to be exact  I never remembered it at all. Now today morning my senior(who’s now rolling off to new project) asked me if I was on call. I told her I was not at home and hence could not, she like ‘ attend them seriously as you are working closely on these things’. I’m like ok will. Then I got thinking about how put up this entire thing is, I mean if I loved what I did and if I was worried or interested then I would’ve never forgotten about it. Then it would be me who would be there and take things up. And then I want a promotion, that means more of this thing that I’m not even bothered about. Its nothing new and has happened a couple of times with me so I know how it is, I go home and completely forget about it all. Maybe its all natural, maybe I’m irresponsible, maybe it’s another factor showing how much I’m not into what i’m doing or maybe it’s just something normal that I’m adding as my list of excuses. Not sure! Anyhow all I hope is that this missing out on calls in not being considered for my promotion criteria. Hell I know it is! just hope it isn’t impacting so much. See all I want is more money and less work and that’s what a promotion will get me, then I’ll be up for taking these calls and managing work and time and all as I will not have much work type work to do. I think!

 

Anyhow, another thing i’ve been spending a lot! Like more than what I do and  more than what I should do. I’ve  swapped that credit card a few times now, over expensive cafes that serve the same coffee only soo expensive it gives you a high that you can actually spend so much ona cup of coffee and also some on cosmetics, thanks to sis, trying to buy the entire store. Imagine she was all for buying a 3 square inch eyeshadow color palate for 800 bucks.. please don’t get a heart attack, it was only India Rupee currency.. but seriously! I also bought this dark green V-neck pullover from Benetton. I like it! yay! its only for 1000 Rs. yay! I have been wanting that for a long time so yay again!  But I need to stop on the spending and crazy as it may sound, all my Facebook horoscopes (and other)read not to overspend, go check for Libra. Confession: Also some of the shopping spree has been intended around the next date with New Guy, as you know I’ve been a complete miser and you can’t be an idiot when you date, I mean you can, but I don’t want to especially when I’m not. So just some basic updates happening. Don’t roll your eyes… its girls stuff ! lol!

Didn’t got o gym yesterday as was with sis and had to meet that guy ‘V’. He was okay, speaking very less and that’s what is scary, when people don’t talk what they thing, its dangerous. I will go from today, pucca(real) promise.

 

Also recent urge to get back to the tattoo resolution. ‘B’ had got it done on the day we went for frenz engagement and she showed it off and now I’m like dying to get one. What’s the problem? I’m confused as hell again! but seriously, need one before the year ends.

You know what, sometimes  I feel that I get pulled into trying to convince myself that my life is fun and then I do these things that I’m not sure about but they give me some re-assurance at that moment. Don’t know if you got that, but that’s all I’ll say…

*Yawwwnn* back to work type crap…

 

Tc!

Emotions and Bonds *edited title*

{ October 28, 2009 @ 5:47 am } · { Blogroll, Hobbies, Interesting, art, books, dreams, family, feelings, friends, habits, interpret, jazz, life, love, music, personal, random, reading, realtionships, secrets, thoughts, work, writing }
{ } · { Comments (3) }

There are so many meanings to this word ‘bonding’, but what comes first to your mind?

For me, my thoughts run to emotional bonds, bonds of love, bonds of friendship, bongs of adoring, bonds of caring.

Emotions always intrigue me to think more, observe more, see through what appears and what lies beneath, know why you feel a particular way and why not? There’s so much to it and I want to see it, know it. I think that’s why I’m so fond of emotional movies too, like Love Aaj Kal, When Harry met Sally, Jerry Maguire, Wake up Sid, Forest Gump(absolute Fave, I’ll watch it a million times, I think I already know most of the dialogues), Big Fish, Never been Kissed, Made of Honor (Love this, actually love Tom too;) ),P.S. I Love You(awww I cried twice in the first I watch).. and the list can go on. 

Keeping to the original thoughts ‘Emotions and Bonding’. I love to bond, I love the feeling, like you connect, literally like you can sense the existing of this thread that connects you and another person. It feels like you know this something exists and only you can feel this and share this thread/bond, its unique, its only for you too, irreplaceable, absolutely ir-reproduceable. It’s a great feeling!

It might seem that I’m making too much out of a small and very common part of human nature and existence, but,  if you actually stop and think about it, you’ll know that every bonding you share with every person on this earth is so unique. It’s like its your own exclusive antique collection, nowhere else to be found on the earth. Thrilling na! 

I share different kinds of bonding with so many people and this is when I’m not a very social person, so I’m so sure you’all would also have many such bondings…do share…

Friendship Bonding -  Here also there are many types..

I have friends I share a total masti type bonding, we connect on how to have fun and what you find fun. It’s cool! As soon as I say ‘I really enjoy sitting at Nescafe till late nights and sipping coffee’ and the other person says ‘me too’, click, there’s a bonding. Then I have a few friends who might not know much about my personal life and vice-versa, and also we don’t feel there is anything missing if we don’t share it, coz what we’re bonding over is FUN!

There are friends I can talk to for hours without even having to stop for a second to collect what to talk about next. I love this bonding too, the Talk-Talk type, hey! that’s a nice one, I’ll call this ‘Talk-Talk bonding’. It feels so good to be able to say everything in your mind, in fact I think I share this bonding with my blog as well. :) I love this blog space!! I’m a working software engineer adult! Believe me!/? lol!

Another very unique bonding in friendship is that comes from books & reading. I love this one too. Now I may not know much fancy authors and I usually stick to popular fiction stuff until this last time I went to Connaught Place and picked up random books whose summary seemed interesting from a second-hand books shop (if anyone want to know, it’s the Book corner next to Plaza) and it made me feel all like ‘great reading taste and stuff type’ and the books were all good too (see my novels I’ve read links on right hand). I love to talk about the writing skills and how you interpret these words and how the other person feels about it, and the great thing about this bonding is that it exists even if the ideas you have are totally different, like opposites. It actually excites me to know that a person could find a piece so contrasting to how I felt and interpreted it. I find this different mind and thoughts type stuff quite interesting. I should have so gone into psychology. ‘The bloody list of  Should’s ’ again. Hey next post on this, or maybe a book? You’ll read na..?

And another unique bonding I can think of is the ‘Altering bonding’, this happens that you may connect every time on a different thing, not like every time, but like frequently. And I think this one leads to one of the best friendships you have. I love friendships. I love to care, be cared for, to share, to confess, to console… awww… I’m all aww type now, *back to normal please, I’m in office remember!*

Also, yes I missed the ‘Confess All bonding’, there are some people you feel you can say anything to and they will not judge you for it. I confess to sis and I love her for not judging me, although her love for baby sis does surface and she advices me a little later, but never judges me. Another friend ‘S’ I used to confess to, but now things have gone sour, she was in Delhi and I called her to meet up, then she got busy and left without even talking and then I saw he status on Facebook reading that ‘if we just accept people the way they are no one would end up loosing friends’ and I knew that was for me. She doesn’t consider me her ‘confess all friend’ anymore, or even just a friend. It makes me sad. Really! I lost one very unique bond from my collection and with a  lot of pain in my heart!  But I don’t think about it much as it has been like this for a while now.

Other Bonding -  Now I didn’t want ot put there something like ‘Love Bonding’ or something, coz I feel the source of all the above and next to come bonding is Love is some way or the other.

There’s also this ‘Adoring Bonding’ that might not totally be two-sided by I’d still call it a bonding and add it to my collection please. Sometimes, you find some people so adoring, like you can just sit and watch them/listen to them/observe them. You might adore them for their beauty, intelligence, art, talent, easiness, style, arrogance. It’s so great. I observe strangers sometimes, behaving, reacting, being themselves as in their routine ways. I like to admire the everyday routine-ness of it all, the casual natural and everyday general reactions and behavior. I also adore a few more people, for the way they are or secretly for the way I wish I could be. I love to adore…love.. This bonding make you feel so warm and human (god know why I need to feel this all the time.. wat re-assurance do I want? that I’m not a dog? .. lol! On a serious note, I think I just love to feel that I have a heart. Whatever sense that makes!)

Then there is this ‘Protective Bonding’, like you just can’t help but feel so protective of the other person.. oh, this reminds me of Edward Cullen “I feel very protective of you”, do you guys notice the way his lips move up from the corners showing his fang teeth. Ooohhh… I love this decent vampire.. lol! Anyways, so yes, about feeling concern for a person, like you  know they deserve all the good and you want to make sure they get it. It may be your sibling, friend, someone else. It’s all about the concern. I have this bond for my baby bro. :)

One more interesting one I remember, I’ll call it the ‘You as Me Bonding’. You know sometimes when we feel every joy and grief of another person as it is our own. Like anything good happens to them and you start jumping like it was happening to you. Like I told you’all about this friend of mine ‘Nilu’. See me and him, we are so close, like we don’t know each other’s family troubles or other deep feelings, we do share stuff on life, aspirations, feelings, thoughts but all in general, sometimes each other’s relationship stuff also, but when he told me he’s going to New York, I was so happy. I could feel the happiness and I knew when its my turn then also I would feel something very similar. I also adore him  lot. These bonding are the type that make you feel that even if you meet the person after 10 years or talk after ages (like me and him, we have gaps of months) even then everything will be the same, nothing changes between you two. You both might change to become different people in your own lives, but when you’re together, sharing that bonding space, then everything remains as it was 10 years ago. I fee in this bonding there is also a  very strong sense of understanding and being on the same level of thinking. Yay! I have someone like that! You should too…its lovely!

I think I’ve exhausted this page.. :)

Just one more bonding space I can think of right now, ‘Interests bonding’, when you bond over interests. I know I mentioned books above, so maybe that can go over to other interest too… any hobbies you have. Mine are sketching, reading, music, dancing, travelling, writing,.. and so many.

What the hell am I doing stuck in this cubicle and popping my eyes out for hours in front of this computer??? I Should be an artistic person, I am an artistic person…

Fuck type stuff happens… I guess just being practical and getting the bills paid.. lol!

And Last but not the least, to end on a good note, I love the bonding I share with everyone who reads my blogs and has a word or two to say to me! I love it when you guys comment. It makes me feel so worthy that you take the time to say something to me! really? I mean this is a fast time and money is time, so when you stop and share, I’m honored. Also, it makes me believe a little more in myself, you know writer and all. :)

Keep the comments coming darlings!!

Late night / early morning post

{ October 25, 2009 @ 10:34 pm } · { Blogroll, Hobbies, Interesting, dating, dreams, family, feelings, friends, habits, health, interpret, life, love, music, personal, random, reading, realtionships, secrets, sex, thoughts, work }
{ } · { Comments (2) }

Yup! I’m blogging at home, but no one’s awake so it more like alone type thing. I don’t know what thing I have with blogging with not any interference, but that’s how it is. I like to acknowledge my thoughts and feelings in peace. So, let’s get to it right away then. Shall we (dance Mr.Clark)? hehhe.. couldn’t stop myself..

About my weekend, my Friday evening was spent in office, working till 9pm(from 7 am ), there was this important piece that we wanted to complete and I took to completing it, like I have been doing for te past 2 weeks with only last week as leaving on normal time except of course Friday. So I stayed and worked(this better pay off in appraisal) and then New Guy called after his work hours to talk and I was busy so we kept texting and he showed a little concern that I should eat something and stuff.  Btw my mobile bill has gone upto 3 times from that before I knew him. We talk a lot and earlier I found it all very interesting, but off late there’s not much to it. It’s ok!,  I get little bored also. We still speak a lot on the phone, also spoke till late on Friday night.

So it wasn’t confirm if we were to come to office on Saturday or not, but on Saturday morning I got a call from my manger and she’s like we’ll need you there. I was mentally prepared for it so I was okay. Also, earlier when there were talks on weekend work, I had declined saying that I will be going out with family, but when the urgency came so I said I will change my plans and come if required. hehehe. Hope my manager considers all this, what the heck? she has to bloody hell! fingers crossed! I need a promotion… No, I need a job change.. No, career change.. Now you know why I don’t like to talk about my work right?  So went to work and got stuck till 7pm and then came back home and ordered pizza(yes, pleading guilty, 10-15 min yoga through the week and then pizza weekend..*guilty*) and spoke to New Guy was also busy with a frenz wedding, so nothing much, chatted with sis and mom and off to sleep.

Now comes glorious Sunday, woke up at 12pm. Rushed to get ready with no bath and go shopping as I couldn’t think of anything I could wear on the dinner date with New Guy, which I thought would be o some real fancy place (read on for what it was). now don’t think I’m such a loser trying to impress a guy and all okay. I really couldn’t think of one thing that I had that would make me feel confident on a classy type place, I mean I have but then I had worn it to the last time we met and then I didn’t mind buying a ‘for keeps’ item to my less existent wardrobe. So  I dragged sis along, we searched this entire flea market for something exclusive(which now sounds stupid..) but found nothing, but I did land up buying these amazing gladiator heels for half than original cost. They look hot, like my type hot(will need a post on this to explain). Yay! Then we moved a much class market and I tried almost every good store but no luck. So I landed up splurging on a great bag, its super cool, not too much girly and also structured and classy, just what I like. But its little expensive so can’t take it for everyday purpose and have neatly put it back in my cupboard. lol! ( A little particluar…hehe). And you know what! all these horoscope type stuff that I have been reading for this week/month said about ‘not to indulge in splurging’. But seriously, how much can even a sane girl like me resist?  But not going to splurge more this month (only 6 days more..lol! ) and will try not to next month too (see, sane na?). And somehow this feeling of wanting new stuff has really heightened a lot in the past week or so. I never feel like this. Maybe it’s because I want to be really presentable and all in front of New Guy and that doesn’t mean pretending to be something I’m not, it’s just that I haven’t keeping myself well and like myself either. I’ve been more than lousy and looking pathetic with old and repetitive clothes and stuff. God! how much will I embarrass myself here? no more.. you got the thing na? 

After so much running around we reached home about 45min before he was to pick me. I asked him where we’re going so I can dress accordingly and he said anything casual. Now I knew it wouldn’t be so casual so I took a semi-casual look  – black sleeveless top with front bow and little deep V-neckline from mango, with open semi woollen top that I bought last week with big buttons and elbow length puffed cum roughed sleeves and dark blue jeans with my new beige gladiator heels, Also I kept the make-up minimal and clean, gloss, little blush and eye pencil. Got the picture? I thought I looked good, like maybe 8.5, no 9 out of 10. and felt confident too(most important for me). I kept him waiting for 20 min and he is so impatient he kept calling again and again, and I kept saying just 5 min. :) We left and then he started apologizing for this little tiff we had earlier in the evening when he said we should move the time ahead else he won’t be able to come. I know pathetic right? God know why I even accept this ? I gave it off to him and told him we can cancel if he wants to save his time and all. Finally he called and said sorry and said he’ll be there on our agreed time. I agreed as I wanted to go too, but not after saying a few more stuff. heheh. He apologized and then I accepted the apology when he said I could slap him and I did, not hard but little. At this time he had stopped the car on the road side of this really lonely road, so then we got a little comfy and shared a very light kiss . I liked it, but still no feelings and I like that also, although its so new for me to be with someone I don’t feel for, but honestly things seem so light, no expectations, no change in my life plans, no living up to expectations..blah.blah. I like it! for now.

Then we moved to the place he had thought, actually I had asked him to decide to see his choice and all, so yes the place was good, a five-star hotel restaurant. Nice! We started talking and then he tells me why he wanted to take me for dinner was to celebrate the new job that he’s taking up. That was sweet! a little scary like getting attached type, but sweet and seemed harmless. So we talked and ate and a few drinks (all sober) and at one point he said he wanted to kiss me and I behaved little shy type smile. Okay laugh out! Now I’m new to this unattached stuff, so I really don’t know how to react. lol!

 2 hours passed away and we made a move for home as we were already getting late. Now a little worry part, I already told him the time I need to get home by(11pm) and he didn’t pay much importance to it and said we could get a little late with traffic. I didn’t like that. I mean what does he think of me? I hope he doesn’t have any loose ideas. He better not! i’d like the guy to respect my time and limits. I clearly told him that next time I won’t get perm coz we crossed the time this time. He didn’t tak that seriously too, now next time I’m not making evening plans at all. Wait and watch! Wow ! I like this game, all calculating and no emotional stupid type behavior.

Then on the same lonely way back home, he stopped the car with some lame excuse that I was also part of and then we had some intimate moments. Nothing much and I kept reminding we should move. Again no feeling from me..yay!! but it was fun! hey, I’m still a decent girl.. just having some fun she deserves.

He dropped me home at 11:30pm, half an hour late and I spoke to him for a couple of minutes, you know, “Thanks! I had a good time”, was actually OK, but some encouragement is required..I sound like a pro at this now!!lol!

 

Next time, no late evening plans… should learn a lesson right?

 

And btw it’s been more than 1 hour I have been typing! its 3:55 am now, but good I got this all here, else I wouldn’t have the enthu to pull all details it has now.

 

Forgot to ask, how was your weekend darlings?

They say”You’re a dreamer”. True!

{ October 23, 2009 @ 6:49 am } · { Blogroll, Hobbies, Interesting, art, dating, dreams, family, feelings, habits, health, interpret, jazz, life, love, personal, random, realtionships, secrets, thoughts, work, writing }
{ } · { Comments (3) }

There’s a part of me that wants to be so much more. Much more than what I am, most of these are not really possible or lets say not practical as they’re not my ‘aim in life’, yet I keep these crazy aspirations bring thrill and excitement to me.

 

“You’re a dreamer… and when there is so much to dream and plan, who has the plan to actually go out there and do it”, I read that somewhere about Librans. Now I know that doesn’t give a very mature picture of me, but I know it’s actually true.. many times..

 

The many things that I have on my crazy list and in my (so exciting) dreams:

 

1. Be an actress - Now see I like acting and have been in theatre throughout school, but nothing after that. I also feel that I will be good if I try it. I think I should take this up sometime, maybe some theatre or something. Let’s see!

2. Learn the piano - Much achievable and not so crazy. But then I can’t seem to push myself to it. It would cost a lot and my finances are not for selfish pursuits right now. I’m not letting this get off the list anytime.

3. Have the body of a bikini babe – okay – almost! - Again, this has been on my list for sometime and I know I can do this, but if you’ve been reading you know I get super excited, get o the gym, take healthy diet, loose weight, reach almost near to being called slim and then loose interest. Started(trying) Yoga in mornings since this week, which reminds me it was chilly today morning (for me that’s 5:30am), so don’t know how this will go. But really, I want a good body and I know I have the determination to get it, but it’s just that I’ve tried and fallen off track a couple of times and all so. Let’s try again then, shall we?

4. Want to be part of a rock band - I could,  if I only knew some instrument or great vocal chords. Alas! You can only be gifted with few talents, and that too I haven’t explored yet :) Bur seriously! to imagine myself in a rock type person, all cool-headed and all you care about is how good that beat is, wow! I really appreciate people who are driven by passion, like crazy single-headed life-consuming passion!  I’m such a wanna-be na? I know.

5. Learn French language - Again doable and same reason as piano.  Although I did learn it for 2 months after my 12th exams and I still hae it kept at home, but then.. hmm… excuses?? maybe… or just there are other important things that require attention and green. Did I hear self-pity?? Nooo! Please!! (I’m saying it so probably it already exists in my mind.. fucking mind..)

6. Be a Travel show host -  I’m a eggetarian, so no non-vergetarian. Somehow I feel that is one very good reason this is on the dream list. Also, I don’t know if I would be up for this stuff. I feel I can, but I don’t know.  Time is so less, where do I start? lol!

7. Be a love and hope exuberant  person - Not like try hard and all, but you know some people are naturally like that. So giving, warm. They meet you for the first time and hug you, and you feel like you’ve always hugged them like this, for years. I want that nature, that personality! So comfortable, positive, zero awkward, always smiling, nothing bad ever brings them down. Ever! I try sometimes to bring lightness and goodness around me, but that’s not naturally there. Naturally there’s doubt, awkwardness, conscious, guarded, feeling vulnerable and other stuff. Yet I try, so cheers ya!

  

8.  Social Service - I know, I’m so contradicting everything i wrote above, but yes its true. I want to be working selflessly, being of use, making something out of this life. I want to make a change in all the things that I feel pity or helpless about. I know, big talk and no work right? But I did try once to get into voluntary street children education, but then they needed at least 8 hours a week, which was not practical, so I politely backed out. I find it better and more moral to not start something I feel I will not complete rather than start with doubts and leave in between.

Anyway, so once I was also joking to friends that I’m going to do social service and there I’ll meet a guy who is all I want. So they were like you’ll marry a guy who does only social work, so broke/minimal green type? I said, “No, I’ll find out later that he’s the heir of a royal family and is more than a billionaire, and yet he’ll be so grounded and giving. And yes, he’ll pick me and i’ll pick him too.” :)  Lol!

  

 

Enough gossip for the day or now!

As you’ve heard(read)me saying(writing) before, need to get back to work. :)

 

TC!

 

Hey … just thought of couple more stuff, but they’re all so do-able and or on my New Year resolution list, still would like to mention:

 

Non- crazy list:

- be a successful writer/author

- learn a dance form till the highest level

- get a permanent tattoo (this year.. for sure)

 

gotta go now!!!

BYE!!!!

« Previous entries