Archive for tattoo

Looking back at the year start

{ December 3, 2009 @ 1:31 pm } · { Blogroll, Hobbies, Interesting, books, dating, dreams, family, feelings, friends, habits, health, interpret, jazz, life, love, music, personal, random, reading, realtionships, secrets, tattoo, thoughts, work, writing }
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so here’s the resolution listed that I has posted early this year. lets see what all I got done.

1. Personal – learn something new, music/dance/sport - YES.. jazz, now guitar…

2. Social Work – start voluntary work for NGO - none.. a little try at the begining.. but then nothing

3. Social Work – fund an orphan’s eduction - nopes :(

4. Career – get 30% hike in salary – Can’t say yet. got the feedback tomorow. I’m hoping this will be done. :)

5. Personal – take care of health – did for the first half of the year, lost weight and when i came so close to being called slim, i gave it up.. jerk. and now I’m back to me..so NO i think

6. Family – manage funds well  - NO.. nothing near it

7. Personal – Improve habits, be more warm and less bitter - maybe a little..not much.

8. Personal – learn to be more diplomatic i.e learn to keep my opinions to myself and be less judgemental. – yes-no.. okay,.

9. Career – Get appreciated for the good work – YES YES.. this is definitely true for the past couple of months…

Aww.. this dosen’t seem good na. I’ve only done the selfish stuff.

 

Another list, this is more like Things to do before I’m 25

1. Travel alone (another state or country) - NO

2. Get a tattoo – NO, I’m planning before New year or maybe after d heavy checque..lol

3. Start something new( music/dance/art) – YES

4. Go trekking – No, but went Rafting..counts ? YES

5. Complete a book – started, not completed and am not doing anythin so NO

6. Sponcer an orphan child’s education - NO :(

7. Start voluntary work for NGo/Street children – NO

8. Adapt a healthy lifestyle for good – NO

9. Organise family affairs – NO

10. be more Accepting – little. NO

11. Forgive people and forget unwanted baggage – NO. YES. Dun knw

12. Love myself more – NOt really.

13. Be more warm person – No. Not enough to say YES

14. keep the learning ‘new stuff’ going on. – YES, else I would get crazy

 

Lot of NO’s here too… :(

Just like that..

{ November 3, 2009 @ 5:09 am } · { Blogroll, Interesting, art, body canvas, dating, feelings, friends, habits, health, life, love, personal, random, tattoo, thoughts, work }
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I don’t have anything in particular.. I mean I do but then this is not about that. This is a ‘just like that’ stuff, you know, general update, nothing intense or serious.

 

So I wanted some change around, and if you’ve not been a regular then let me tell you, I have changed my blogspace appearance theme. I liked the earlier one all bright and sunshine, but this one is also good, very creative and compact, although a little wider column would help keeping the scroll soo never-ending.

Besides that, I’m at at work and sleepy, slept late yesterday, partially because I was talking to New Guy and rest because I’m lazy at times and always pathetic at time management.  Work is work, a little less relieved though (that’s why I’m here). Apart from that, there’s this funny thing, or just thing that happened, so we have these international conference calls in the evening times and I leave early from work so usually take these calls from home on cell. Yesterday, sis was to meet this internet guy for the first time and she didn’t want to go alone so she asked me to join her, so I did and then I totally forgot about the call , actually to be exact  I never remembered it at all. Now today morning my senior(who’s now rolling off to new project) asked me if I was on call. I told her I was not at home and hence could not, she like ‘ attend them seriously as you are working closely on these things’. I’m like ok will. Then I got thinking about how put up this entire thing is, I mean if I loved what I did and if I was worried or interested then I would’ve never forgotten about it. Then it would be me who would be there and take things up. And then I want a promotion, that means more of this thing that I’m not even bothered about. Its nothing new and has happened a couple of times with me so I know how it is, I go home and completely forget about it all. Maybe its all natural, maybe I’m irresponsible, maybe it’s another factor showing how much I’m not into what i’m doing or maybe it’s just something normal that I’m adding as my list of excuses. Not sure! Anyhow all I hope is that this missing out on calls in not being considered for my promotion criteria. Hell I know it is! just hope it isn’t impacting so much. See all I want is more money and less work and that’s what a promotion will get me, then I’ll be up for taking these calls and managing work and time and all as I will not have much work type work to do. I think!

 

Anyhow, another thing i’ve been spending a lot! Like more than what I do and  more than what I should do. I’ve  swapped that credit card a few times now, over expensive cafes that serve the same coffee only soo expensive it gives you a high that you can actually spend so much ona cup of coffee and also some on cosmetics, thanks to sis, trying to buy the entire store. Imagine she was all for buying a 3 square inch eyeshadow color palate for 800 bucks.. please don’t get a heart attack, it was only India Rupee currency.. but seriously! I also bought this dark green V-neck pullover from Benetton. I like it! yay! its only for 1000 Rs. yay! I have been wanting that for a long time so yay again!  But I need to stop on the spending and crazy as it may sound, all my Facebook horoscopes (and other)read not to overspend, go check for Libra. Confession: Also some of the shopping spree has been intended around the next date with New Guy, as you know I’ve been a complete miser and you can’t be an idiot when you date, I mean you can, but I don’t want to especially when I’m not. So just some basic updates happening. Don’t roll your eyes… its girls stuff ! lol!

Didn’t got o gym yesterday as was with sis and had to meet that guy ‘V’. He was okay, speaking very less and that’s what is scary, when people don’t talk what they thing, its dangerous. I will go from today, pucca(real) promise.

 

Also recent urge to get back to the tattoo resolution. ‘B’ had got it done on the day we went for frenz engagement and she showed it off and now I’m like dying to get one. What’s the problem? I’m confused as hell again! but seriously, need one before the year ends.

You know what, sometimes  I feel that I get pulled into trying to convince myself that my life is fun and then I do these things that I’m not sure about but they give me some re-assurance at that moment. Don’t know if you got that, but that’s all I’ll say…

*Yawwwnn* back to work type crap…

 

Tc!

Would you know my name, If I saw you in Heaven?

{ May 22, 2009 @ 4:44 am } · { family, feelings, health, interpret, life, music, personal, random, realtionships, secrets, tattoo, thoughts }
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That’s the song I’m listing to right now, ‘If I saw you in heaven’

I’m in office and it all seems such a drag. Its been happening since last 2 days i think. I’ve been feeling sluggish and draggy and I’ve been pulling myself and telling me to wake up and live properly, but see its times like these that make you feel you have no control over yourself and how you feel. I would like to believe that ‘I control myself’ but I don’t believe it. Not right now.

What’s with me? nothing! Actually that’s what’s up with me ‘NOTHING AT ALL’. Everything is going on and on and nothing is happening or maybe I’m not feeling it. I’m missing something so much.  Something, I don’t know what.

Maybe I should join the gym again and this feeling is particularly too strong right now as I’m wearing a top that is started to feel tight and uncomfortable and I can see my stomach bulging when I sit and all this wasn’t there a month n half ago. Hmmph! Just noticed that almost every post about my life does include something about my body am I obsessed, yes I think, too much thinking of how to get perfect. I also agree I don’t like too much of what I see in the mirror. I deserve better, I am better. It matters to me. I don’t want to accept myself with a bulging stomach and thunder thighs. I want to see slim toned legs and arms, flat toned stomach. I should stop, totally got carried away.

Why this lame, nothing feeling comes over?? I just want to tell it to ‘F*** off! coz all it does it makes me feel low and self-pity. This self pity thing does get to me, it makes me feel like I’m a little puppy standing in the middle of a buzzing street, ready to be beneath the wheels anytime and all people are walking around, no one is even noticing me. Its horrible. I go back to times and my mind drags all my pitiable states and I am on the verge of crying. Sometimes even simple things trigger this, like one time my sis went out with few friends and I didn’t go on purpose and she came back flashing a tattoo, something that I had  been wanting for so long and then I started crying. Literally! Everytime I see I don’t get something I have worked hard for/ deserve and someone else gets it, I am crying. I want what should be mine. Once I even cried about why our financial condition was so bad (after dad) and my cousin’s were well off. It bugs me.

‘ Why Not’ by Hillary Duff

I think I’m the compulsively occupied type person, I need to occupied and not think. Sometimes I get so consumed with some idea that I start believing that that’s what I want. Many times I feel like I’m not living enough. There’s this emptiness around me. I need to do something, for myself mostly.  Sometimes, what I should and shouldn’t gets so to my head that I stop thinking on my own. Its like someone laid out a guidebook that you should do this or that, and I feel the need to follow it. Maybe the responsibility of taking ownership is what I fear or am not ready for.

I feel scared and so vulnerable. Its difficult to let loose and be me. There’s a doubt about myself. I feel like anyone can take advantage if I open up and show who I am. Why do I feel so vulnerable? Not sure but I think it all started when we started to live with mom while dad was away.  Mom and we kids were here while dad was on job and would visit every few months. The realtives told you how dangerous this could be if someone knew we were living alone. They might try to take advantage. We live alone still. But now what I see myself doing is keeping closed and shut. Especially around people I find suspicious especially males/workers/drivers/plumbers type people. When someone comes into our house for any repair work, I feel like they should not get to know we have no male member in family. I become so weird. I feel scared. I want them to go away. Don’t come to my house. I hate it!

Now I was hoping some writing would make me feel better but this is all getting to the scary spaces in my head. I better leave now.

‘There you’ll be” from Pearl Harbor.

In the waters..

{ May 6, 2009 @ 3:33 am } · { Hobbies, Interesting, dreams, family, feelings, friends, habits, health, jazz, life, love, personal, random, realtionships, secrets, tattoo, thoughts, writing }
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I went for my second class at swimming yesterday and it was again fun. We learnt floating, which is not a big deal I know but its fun! :) one of my friends has been trying to learn how to swim for the past 4 years now, please not TRYING, and all she does everytime is learn floating and come back.

Anyways, so since I’m gonna be frequent and stuff so I’m guessing a  month will be enough to learn the basic swimming. Me and mom go together and yesterday on our way back she said  ’I never thought I would learn swimming, I always wanted to, but never thought I would actually do it’. I felt so good, I finally gave her some near to impossible dream come true. It really felt good. She does embarrass me by going crazy in the pool and trying to learn everything in one day, but then who are others to me, its she and her happiness that matters, so I’ll take the embarrassment.

Apart from that, we have an off tomorrow and Saturday as working instead. Voting time! I am ashamed to confess that I am 23 years old and have never voted. Never! Not that I had the chance and didn’t and sat back home watching TV, but I never got a voter Id made. I altleast have a few reason in my defence, firstly when I turned 18 I went to live in college hostel and came home only once a month. Second, we moved around in this period and were so troubled with trying to get money for every month . Before I forget a gratitude prayer:

THANK YOU GOD FOR HELPING US THROUGH THOSE DIFFICULT TIMES AND THANK YOU FOR MAKING US GROW FROM THERE AND BECOME INDEPENDENT NOW.

So when you have no idea of where your next months home rent is coming from you really can’t care about anything else but yourself and family. Then after I had got a job and we started moving towards getting to normal citizens life, my sis left her job, so we came back to worrying about every month expenses. And now that me and she(sis) have been getting regular paychecks (THANK YOU GOD!) we are settling things more. I did want to vote. I did. But I know this isn’t an excuse. I will get my voter id done before next government change happens. For sure.

What else?? There’s been major thinking these days. About you ask?? Well lets see:

1. That thing that I’ve said I had started working on and that i wouldn’t tell y’all until it was complete. I’m running short of ideas.

2. Why am I such a restless soul?  I want everything this moment, tattoo, car, house, bboyfriend. Yes boyfriend, it would be good to have some love apart from the one that my family gives me when I enact a dog and get my ears scratched by them.

3. Seriously thinking if meditation is the way for me. Not like become a saint, just practicing meditation, chanting, whatever. You get it, right?

4. Practising ‘visualization of what you want’ and what works for me and makes me believe what I’m thinking is true. Which reminds me that sis got me some shorty shorts as I had asked for (ya, designers get the best perks for a girl. clothes!) and they are just lying somewhere in my cupboard. I should so place them in the front and look at them everyday. Like I’ll just wear and go out of home. In car ofcourse! ooh this is getting two of my ’I-want’ things together. Must try from today.

5. Finally I am going to start some work out from today (apart from swimming). I know I have said this so many times that  even I’m rolling my eyes at myself. But this time different approach. Visualize that I am what I want to become.  I’m thinking of jogging 15-20 min  i.e after stretching 5 min followed by some crunches and spinning 15 min, this really makes me sweat, secret : my machine is very old and very stiff, you need so much energy and strength to last more than 5 min. And yes also need to practice those piroits (wrong spelling please excuse) and splits. I need to get them perfect before I rejoin.

What say, sounds like a good plan?

Yesterday’s drama

{ November 10, 2008 @ 4:15 am } · { art, body canvas, family, friends, life, love, personal, tattoo, thoughts, writing }
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I was really determined that I had to, just had to get a tattoo done last weekend. So i told many people about it, to build a pressure that now i had to get it done since i have blabbered it to so many people and then told at home and got everything ready. I booked an appointment for Sunday with a renowned and expensive tattoo parlor. I took along my sister and brother (as they wanted to come) and had not actually taken a print of what i wanted.  now if you have been reading my blog’s then you know that this has been on my mind for almost a year now, but still after so much of research I did not know what i wanted (it a big sign to ignore), so i was thinking the artist would help me with some ideas.

I reach there late than the appointment time due to some cab crisis and they have already moved ahead with the next appointments (i don’t blame them). i was told it will take next three hours to start with my tattoo, so i start going through the designs and decide on ‘Pheonix’, RISING FROM THE ASHES is what i liked and thought it would be something very assuring that i can look at anytime in life, if ever i am going through a slump time and can take a look at it and think of ways to rise up from the bad phase/situation. but then i couldn’t;t actually be full heatedly sure about the design, then my sister insisted on a design, even the guy helping us said it was good, i agreed, the cost was way beyond my budget,i agreed and then we went downstairs to eat something and come back,but i felt so suffocated. Like something you are doing that you don’t want and i spoke to few friends saying how i felt. They all said if I’m not totally sure then i shouldn’t go for it. i didn’t and was feeling sad that i came so close to it and left it all,but then again at least i did listen to my heart and gave it time to love what i will do.

Then my sister gathered the guts to say she also wanted one tattoo. she saw a small design for the ankel and very expensive again. I was so pissed that i was not getting what i wanted that i put some of the blame on her for it and told her since she didn’t help me with it so i won’t either. she herself decided on something and now confirmed if she should go for it, then i said something terrible to her, i told her ” you haven’t earned a penny in 6 months and you are ready to spend 4grands on that small thing” she totally got pissed and said she didn’t want it. We moved back home after that and she wasn’t talking to me after all that.  well not that i was interested, until i absolutely had to.

Anyways, my sister is always like this, so extravagant and I’m always trying to save, make sense, sacrifice and she, she loves to spend, to her happiness and joy matter at the moment, even if you have no bread to eat the next day. She never tells me that i should/shouldn’t spend money( well maybe coz I’m always careful) but somehow due to the family situation, I on uncountable events, have had to tell her ‘not to spend so much’ and since she’s not working she kind of has taken this as an ego hurt thing, like I’m telling her that since you don’t earn you don’t spend ( which is exactly what i sounded like about the tattoo) but i don’t mean that totally, a little  maybe but that’s coz I’m a fair person, i like to think everyone should get what they have worked for. I hate this, the more old we’re getting the more complicated our fights are becoming. Earlier it was just about pencils, chocolates, then came dresses (still is), then boys ( i have withdrawn from this field now, she NEEDS them so much more) and now weird stuff like money, ego and all. C’mon we’re sisters, we’ve known each other for so long, and now we decide that we don’t understand what each other thinks. Damn! i know we’ll come back together, but i never want these so adult and complicated things to come between us.

Enough drama for one day!