Archive for sex

If I don’t believe in love..

{ November 6, 2009 @ 4:15 am } · { Blogroll, Interesting, dating, dreams, feelings, friends, habits, interpret, life, love, music, personal, random, reading, realtionships, secrets, sex, thoughts, writing }
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This is a really good song.. I love Dido’s all songs and especially ‘White Flag’. I like her voice, it’s so non-conventional, not too sugary sweet, that hoarse rough touch yet melodious. Really good!

I read this great and honest post, where a girl explained all about her past relationships and how they ended and what came out of it and its got me thinking. How much do I know about my past? Do I know what had exactly happened? Why I was there and why I left and what came out of it all?

I mean I know they didn’t work and all, but the point is ‘Did I learn the lesson the first time around, or will am I yet to learn it?’

I don’t know… So let’s try and get this sorted.

My first boyfriend was that in school days. I was a total knock out babe and he was cute. He followed me around when I went for evening walks and then came up to ask to be my friend and then after a few tantrums I agreed. We were friends for a while and then he said ‘I Love You’, which at that time meant you’re now officially boyfriend-girlfriend. I took it slow and he was rushing me ahead and at some point it felt like that was the only reason he was with me. It hurt! But then I don’t blame him, he was young and anxious to explore so much on two people being together and doing stuff. I was just scared. We had a really nasty break-up. I cried and yelled at him for tricking me into all of it just for the sake of his first experience  and all that on the phone (from an STD).. lol! God! I created so much of drama and we hadn’t even done it. Hell I was immature. But then what me and him shared was so much glossy and fairytale and perfect. All my friends looked up to us as ideal couple. We looked great together and spoke on the phone for hours. That’s it! It made me proud at some point, some stupid teenage feeling of ‘having it all’ had creeped in and when the reality wasn’t so ideal, I was pissed. But then there were much bigger troubles awaiting in line, my dad’s hospital ordeal started soon and then another one and half years of fighting the medical sciences and human body diagnosis. I lost him. I really felt so alone. I wish that ideal boyfriend was there to be with me, just hold my hand, a shoulder to cry out loud in front of. But then with no one around it all made me so strong. I met this guy later after about 3 years, when I was with another guy. We got talking and then he asked me ig he was better or my current guy. Asshole! We spoke for a while until he behaved exactly as weirdly like earlier days, he bought me a gift for my birthday but I paid as he was not carrying cash or something and then he just vanished. Bloody hell! Got a message after long time, but I was done with my share of dealing with cheap guys! literally cheap!

what did I learn – I think ‘do not go ou with Cheap guys! never! ever!’ anything else?

 

My second so-called boyfriend was again in school, around my twelfth standard and he came to our place along with an uncle who was an astrologer of something. Later we exchanged numbers and then we started talking. Although he wasn’t very sure of whom he wanted to talk to i.e between me and sis, but since I had responded so we got talking. I used to like talking to him but only for sometime. He was super cute and handsome, but apart from that boring and dumb. God! after a few days which seemed like ages I was in tears and wanted to get out of it all. Never have I found someone so intolerable. Anyways, finally once he did a stupid mistake and I caught hold of it and dragged it on and made it a reason to break up with him. Phew!!

what did I learn -never data a dumb cute guy. It’s just too exhausting to have meaningless conversations for hours… tiring!

 

My third boyfriend was the one in college. He was so not good-looking, I think at one point I even called him ugly i.e, before I knew him. My friends started teasing me with his name, like you’re gonna be with that ugly dude, and somehow later I started to feel what if. I was so innocent, I thought I knew everything. He approached me and then we started dating and before I knew we were together and I was so attached to him. He was a sweetheart. Really! A gem of a person, but then there are things that should not be ignored. He wasn’t at all passionate about his career and then his family was so small-minded. I tried to ignore everything but after 3 years of going through the cycle of  love- made for each other-can’t live without-together forever-fighting-patching-fighting-patching, the final question is ‘Are you good to be with each other?’ and I knew we weren’t. I have too much passion for the one life I have, to give it up for a simple and sweet person. I can’t kill my dreams and if you aren’t willing to take the run with me and just slog behind, I’m sorry! He didn’t want to end it and even when I tried being friends he would always come back to asking if we could be together again. But I knew that I would never be happy with him, with so much compromise. So I cut all contacts with him. We have a few common friends and I hear he’s ok. He also asks about me sometimes. I hope he’s over me, I know he wasn’t until quite sometime. But seriously I pray he is. I know I am over him, but just that I don’t think I can trust anyone as blindly as him.

what did I learn – Don’t ignore everything else just because 1 thing is so good, no matter how good.

 

Lets hope I keep this in mind and not repeat my mistakes! But I still feel that I don’t really know what I want. I mean in my head I know, but then I also know that I might just settle for something less.

Like this New Guy i’ve been dating, he doesn’t have so many things that I wanted in a guy, and yet after knowing it all I’m continuing to date him. Although it’s all a time pass, but even then I mean. Maybe I’m not sure I deserve that good a guy. Don’t know! But with New guy things are so confusing, I like talking to him, but I don’t like all that romantic imaginative stuff too much, I find him attractive when I meet him but not when I think of him later, I want him to pamper me but not get attached or sentimental about it, I want to have a good time but don’t want him to treat me without respect like only fun type, I want to spend time with him (until I find someone else) but not at all close to being his girlfriend. God!

 

Confusion na! I know… lets just keep it light for now!

Late night / early morning post

{ October 25, 2009 @ 10:34 pm } · { Blogroll, Hobbies, Interesting, dating, dreams, family, feelings, friends, habits, health, interpret, life, love, music, personal, random, reading, realtionships, secrets, sex, thoughts, work }
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Yup! I’m blogging at home, but no one’s awake so it more like alone type thing. I don’t know what thing I have with blogging with not any interference, but that’s how it is. I like to acknowledge my thoughts and feelings in peace. So, let’s get to it right away then. Shall we (dance Mr.Clark)? hehhe.. couldn’t stop myself..

About my weekend, my Friday evening was spent in office, working till 9pm(from 7 am ), there was this important piece that we wanted to complete and I took to completing it, like I have been doing for te past 2 weeks with only last week as leaving on normal time except of course Friday. So I stayed and worked(this better pay off in appraisal) and then New Guy called after his work hours to talk and I was busy so we kept texting and he showed a little concern that I should eat something and stuff.  Btw my mobile bill has gone upto 3 times from that before I knew him. We talk a lot and earlier I found it all very interesting, but off late there’s not much to it. It’s ok!,  I get little bored also. We still speak a lot on the phone, also spoke till late on Friday night.

So it wasn’t confirm if we were to come to office on Saturday or not, but on Saturday morning I got a call from my manger and she’s like we’ll need you there. I was mentally prepared for it so I was okay. Also, earlier when there were talks on weekend work, I had declined saying that I will be going out with family, but when the urgency came so I said I will change my plans and come if required. hehehe. Hope my manager considers all this, what the heck? she has to bloody hell! fingers crossed! I need a promotion… No, I need a job change.. No, career change.. Now you know why I don’t like to talk about my work right?  So went to work and got stuck till 7pm and then came back home and ordered pizza(yes, pleading guilty, 10-15 min yoga through the week and then pizza weekend..*guilty*) and spoke to New Guy was also busy with a frenz wedding, so nothing much, chatted with sis and mom and off to sleep.

Now comes glorious Sunday, woke up at 12pm. Rushed to get ready with no bath and go shopping as I couldn’t think of anything I could wear on the dinner date with New Guy, which I thought would be o some real fancy place (read on for what it was). now don’t think I’m such a loser trying to impress a guy and all okay. I really couldn’t think of one thing that I had that would make me feel confident on a classy type place, I mean I have but then I had worn it to the last time we met and then I didn’t mind buying a ‘for keeps’ item to my less existent wardrobe. So  I dragged sis along, we searched this entire flea market for something exclusive(which now sounds stupid..) but found nothing, but I did land up buying these amazing gladiator heels for half than original cost. They look hot, like my type hot(will need a post on this to explain). Yay! Then we moved a much class market and I tried almost every good store but no luck. So I landed up splurging on a great bag, its super cool, not too much girly and also structured and classy, just what I like. But its little expensive so can’t take it for everyday purpose and have neatly put it back in my cupboard. lol! ( A little particluar…hehe). And you know what! all these horoscope type stuff that I have been reading for this week/month said about ‘not to indulge in splurging’. But seriously, how much can even a sane girl like me resist?  But not going to splurge more this month (only 6 days more..lol! ) and will try not to next month too (see, sane na?). And somehow this feeling of wanting new stuff has really heightened a lot in the past week or so. I never feel like this. Maybe it’s because I want to be really presentable and all in front of New Guy and that doesn’t mean pretending to be something I’m not, it’s just that I haven’t keeping myself well and like myself either. I’ve been more than lousy and looking pathetic with old and repetitive clothes and stuff. God! how much will I embarrass myself here? no more.. you got the thing na? 

After so much running around we reached home about 45min before he was to pick me. I asked him where we’re going so I can dress accordingly and he said anything casual. Now I knew it wouldn’t be so casual so I took a semi-casual look  – black sleeveless top with front bow and little deep V-neckline from mango, with open semi woollen top that I bought last week with big buttons and elbow length puffed cum roughed sleeves and dark blue jeans with my new beige gladiator heels, Also I kept the make-up minimal and clean, gloss, little blush and eye pencil. Got the picture? I thought I looked good, like maybe 8.5, no 9 out of 10. and felt confident too(most important for me). I kept him waiting for 20 min and he is so impatient he kept calling again and again, and I kept saying just 5 min. :) We left and then he started apologizing for this little tiff we had earlier in the evening when he said we should move the time ahead else he won’t be able to come. I know pathetic right? God know why I even accept this ? I gave it off to him and told him we can cancel if he wants to save his time and all. Finally he called and said sorry and said he’ll be there on our agreed time. I agreed as I wanted to go too, but not after saying a few more stuff. heheh. He apologized and then I accepted the apology when he said I could slap him and I did, not hard but little. At this time he had stopped the car on the road side of this really lonely road, so then we got a little comfy and shared a very light kiss . I liked it, but still no feelings and I like that also, although its so new for me to be with someone I don’t feel for, but honestly things seem so light, no expectations, no change in my life plans, no living up to expectations..blah.blah. I like it! for now.

Then we moved to the place he had thought, actually I had asked him to decide to see his choice and all, so yes the place was good, a five-star hotel restaurant. Nice! We started talking and then he tells me why he wanted to take me for dinner was to celebrate the new job that he’s taking up. That was sweet! a little scary like getting attached type, but sweet and seemed harmless. So we talked and ate and a few drinks (all sober) and at one point he said he wanted to kiss me and I behaved little shy type smile. Okay laugh out! Now I’m new to this unattached stuff, so I really don’t know how to react. lol!

 2 hours passed away and we made a move for home as we were already getting late. Now a little worry part, I already told him the time I need to get home by(11pm) and he didn’t pay much importance to it and said we could get a little late with traffic. I didn’t like that. I mean what does he think of me? I hope he doesn’t have any loose ideas. He better not! i’d like the guy to respect my time and limits. I clearly told him that next time I won’t get perm coz we crossed the time this time. He didn’t tak that seriously too, now next time I’m not making evening plans at all. Wait and watch! Wow ! I like this game, all calculating and no emotional stupid type behavior.

Then on the same lonely way back home, he stopped the car with some lame excuse that I was also part of and then we had some intimate moments. Nothing much and I kept reminding we should move. Again no feeling from me..yay!! but it was fun! hey, I’m still a decent girl.. just having some fun she deserves.

He dropped me home at 11:30pm, half an hour late and I spoke to him for a couple of minutes, you know, “Thanks! I had a good time”, was actually OK, but some encouragement is required..I sound like a pro at this now!!lol!

 

Next time, no late evening plans… should learn a lesson right?

 

And btw it’s been more than 1 hour I have been typing! its 3:55 am now, but good I got this all here, else I wouldn’t have the enthu to pull all details it has now.

 

Forgot to ask, how was your weekend darlings?

Mind Fucking or Fucking Mind?

{ October 21, 2009 @ 4:35 am } · { Blogroll, Interesting, dating, dreams, feelings, friends, interpret, life, love, personal, random, realtionships, secrets, sex, thoughts }
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I don’t want to be rude, but then yes I will have to be. There’s no other way.

What’s bloody wrong with us girls??? (please don’t say its’ only me, please!) Why the hell are we so emotional? Even when we set out NOT TO BE, like absolutely clear, like Imprinted on your forehead and brain, and yet, yet we get emotional.

No, I’m not going crazy or crying my eyes out, but seriously i don’t want to be emotionally attached. I don’t ! 

Okay, enough of rambling on and on, let me tell you what happened.

So ‘New Guy’ has this habit of saying the good things along with something not so good. Like the other day I wore a saree and he said ‘I won’t say you’re looking pretty, but yes, I bet no one who sees you can say you don’t look good’. I know its weird! but then there are other jerks who dun say 1 good thing about you, as if it will kill you (sis just met such a jerk few days back.. lol! ).

Then when I made him meet sis and a fren, he found sis quite nice. Which is good and I knew he would say that. But still I felt a little jealous ( all normal, sister stuff). We clicked a few pics too. WHile we were leaving I told him that I don’t want to take the stairs and we took the list. And we kissed, don’t remember who came ahead first but it happened. Then while dropping me home also we got a little intimate. He told me all the usual stuff guys say (assholes) ‘You’re so Hot!’ and stuff.. which I must say sounded bloody flattering at that time, but now not so much.  But he sounded genuine at that time.

Anyways, later, like after a day or so he tells me that “you’re looking a little chubby in the pics, but it suits you, you don’t have you loose weight”.

I was like WTF….

I didn’t say much then.. But seriously iw as so pissed.. like ya when you were saying ‘I’m Hot’ why didn’t you say this then…

Now see if it was about being honest then there’s always a better way and time of saying things…. But seriously..

Then I also saw his comments on Facebook and he has sent lot of likes on sis’ pics. Okay.

I don’t know… maybe I shouldn’t be so irritated.. But then still… oh yes, he also told me once that ” You know what I thought you are very flamboyant, but actually you are not” . Hell man!!  I hate this crap!

See the thing is that I don’t want to get this to my head and I don’t want nothing emotional type, but then whatever time I spend I want it to be with someone who appreciates me. No Hangups yes, but appreciated and admire! What’s so difficult about it?

Anyways, now I’m a little put off..

I wish I could be like boys in this case, do whatever, say whatever, no feelings nothing at all! I actually believe that girls are so much in pain and hurt mostly coz we associated intimacy with emotions. It should be just intimacy. No emotions!

Just imagine, if we could have sex and not associate any emotions to it. Wow! That would be so good. No guilt! No ‘what he feels ?’ rubbish.

Now I’m not getting attached or anything yet, but yes bit jealous and disappointed that he doesn’t totally appreciate me. and the saddest part is that it makes me want to do something so that he feels like overwhelmed with me. But I won’t. I don’t have to do anything out-of-the-way to make anyone like me. This is it, take it or leave it! Why should he be able to leave me, I would leave him. But how? I mean what’s the point na, as it is I’m not gonna get too much involved and all so let it be.

Honestly, we’re going for a date(official type.. which is again weird.. ) this saturday and I’m going to observe him keenly and decide if I want to continue on this or not. Seriously! just giving him a couple of chances that’s all.

:( Crap!

Carrie Bradshaw “quotes”

{ October 20, 2009 @ 3:54 am } · { Interesting, art, books, dating, feelings, interpret, life, love, personal, random, reading, realtionships, secrets, sex, thoughts, writing }
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After all, computers crash, people die, relationships fall apart. The best we can do is breath and reboot.”

“They say life’s what happens when you’re busy making other plans. But sometimes in New York, life is what happens when you’re waiting for a table.”

 

“What ultimately defines a relationship is another relationship.”

 

  “To be in a couple, do you have to put your single self on a shelf?”

 

“In a relationship, when does the art of compromise become compromising?”

 

“If you are single there is always one thing you should take out with you on a Saturday night… your friends.”

 

      “If two people have only one thought between them, something is very wrong.”

 

      “Maybe men and women aren’t from different planets as pop culture would have us believe. Maybe we live a lot closer to each other. Perhaps, dare I even say it, in the same zip code.”

 

      “Can you really forgive if you can’t forget?”

 

“Balls are to men what purses are to women.”

 

      “I got to thinking about relationships and partial lobotomies. Two seemingly different ideas that might just be perfect together – like chocolate and peanut butter.”

 

      “The Eskimos have hundreds of word for snow but we’ve invented three times that many words for relationships. What really defines a relationship?”

 

      “Suddenly, I felt like I was wearing patchouli in a room full of Chanel.”

 

      “Every once in a while, a girl has to indulge herself.”

 

New York is definitely haunted. Old lovers, ex-boyfriends, anyone you have unresolved issues with you are bound to run into again and again until you resolve them.”

     

“It’s like the riddle of the Sphinx… why are there so many great unmarried women, and no great unmarried men?”

 

“You can’t be friends with a squirrel! A squirrel is just a rat with a cuter outfit.”

 

     Carrie : I’m looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love. And I don’t think that love is here in this expensive suite in this lovely hotel in paris.

 

Carrie : That attitude, by the way, that awareness on the part of a woman that time is a-tickin’—it’s very sexy to a man.

 

Carrie : It’s really hard to walk in a single woman’s shoes — that’s why you sometimes need really special shoes!

 

Carrie : Think about it. If you are single, after graduation there isn’t one occasion where people celebrate you. … Hallmark doesn’t make a “congratulations, you didn’t marry the wrong guy” card. And where’s the flatware for going on vacation alone?

 

Carrie : People say ‘Everything happens for a reason.’ These people are usually women. And these women are usually sorting through a break-up. It seems that men can get out of a relationship without even a ‘Goodbye,’ But, apparently, women have to either get married or learn something.

 

like a Gefilte fish to water

 

Carrie : Maybe our mistakes are what make our fate. Without them, what would shape our lives? Perhaps if we never veered off course, we wouldn’t fall in love, or have babies, or be who we are. After all, seasons change. So do cities. People come into your life and people go. But it’s comforting to know the ones you love are always in your heart. And if you’re very lucky, a plane ride away.

 

Carrie : I used to think those people who sat alone at Starbucks writing on their laptops were pretentious posers. Now I know: They are people who have recently moved in with someone.

 

Carrie : Someone once said that two halves make a whole. And when two halves move in together, it makes a whole lot of stuff.

 

Carrie : I got to thinking about relationships and partial lobotomies: two seemingly different ideas that might just be perfect together—like chocolate and peanut butter

 

Carrie : In the end I decided I was definitely 34 going on 35, but in a city like New York, with its pace and its pressures, sometimes it’s important to have a 13-year-old moment. To remember a simpler time when the best thing in life was just hanging out, listening to records and having fun with your friends. In your very own apartment.

 

Carrie : When you’re a teenager, all you want to do is buy beer. But once you hit 30 all you want to do is to get carded.

 

Carrie : One woman’s pornographer is another woman’s spiritual leader.

 

Carrie : If I could master a stick shift, could a successful relationship be that far behind?

 

Carrie : It was a typical downtown male mix. Ten percent Wall Street, ten percent real estate, and ten percent [Samantha had] already slept with.

 

P.S: copied them so I can read then anytime. I’m a fan of these words…. FAN!!

Friends n more…*Updated*

{ October 13, 2009 @ 3:32 am } · { Hobbies, Interesting, dating, dreams, family, feelings, friends, habits, interpret, life, love, music, personal, poems, random, reading, realtionships, secrets, sex, thoughts, writing }
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 I want to start this on a good note, so lemme keep what I originally had in mind for the last.

I love this time of the year, Diwali time! The change in weather, the slight chill that catches you unprepared with no warm clothes, the goosebumps (at least I have them), the slow breeze that secretly makes your cheeks and nose tip go cold but hides away when you look around and find its non-existence with no trace of even a leaf moving with it. There is so much to do, so much to look up to.

There’s something afresh about this time of the year.

Yes, the heat is gone, the coziness comes along. Warm mugs of coffee/milk, rubbing hands to make some heat  and a wonderful excuse for couples to hold hands. There’s a feeling that winters bring along.

 

It’s like the cold outside makes my heart even more warm.

 *********Saving incomplete post.. need to get back to work.. but i really wanna tell y’all this and write this piece of my heart******************** soon ok…

 

**************************Update***********************

This time, it makes me want to stop and be. Don’t plan or rationalize, just be there, feel it.

The dry skin and cold creams (pond’s earlier), the cold feet, the geyser (actually looked spell in online dictionary and it also means “a hot spring that intermittently sends up fountain like jets of water and steam into air”), they all are so something, don’t know the word but something.

I always associate winters with long walks, there’s something so good about walking around. I remember me and ol friend, during my last year of college and he had started working, we used to walk

This is totally girl stuff.

************2nd update*****************************************

I’m sure if the same feelings aer gonna be there as compared to when I started writing this, but nevertheless, for all you wonderful people let me try yet again…..

So, where was I? yes, long walks… Ooohh I just love them. I love the chiselled cheeks and ice cold nose tip (avoid watery nose please), my cold hand and feet, the way my hair cover my ears and save me some chill (dun know wat u guys do about that). It makes me wanna be warm.

I love the long late night chats, the warm vodka and rum(on your preference), there is something so contrasting and yet challenging. Its something like you are living in a condition and trying to beat it. Not like literally fight type, but yes, somehow you try to make the best out of it by trying to get away from it.

There’s this sense of bonding, some strong feel of every connection you have. Now, there might be a scientific reason for this too, like I say (only once i think ;) ) ’there’s a scientific reason for just about everything today’. But seriously, it makes our awareness more aware and feelings more feel.

Coming back to why I thought this was about ‘Friends’ because winters is when my friends ( a handful - that’s the thing I didn’t wanna mention in the beginning) come back to Delhi. Few of them are working out of station and when they come back it feels so good. Just the thought, just the idea. I love it!

‘Back home’, this is a beautiful phrase. It can mean so much na… later maybe.

Now see I have a fren ‘S’(if you need some background, you may find much in my Forgiveness blog) whom I haven’t been talking about much, coz there is nothing much to talk about, she’s a different person altogether and I’m trying to be a better person everyday (Don’t try this at home: very difficult and mind fucking) . We were the best of friends and now we are used to be friends. This time of the year reminds me of her too. She’s in town lately and I will meet her this week, but in a different way.

It’s funny how things shape up na? We were like these soul mates and now we’ve become not so much. But you know what, we know each other so well that I think if I want to make a confession and get any burden off I would still consider calling her and I hope she feels the same. We know each other and there’s nothing more. However, I’m glad that we are in touch anyways rather than nothing at all.

Then there’s this another friend ‘Nilu’ from college again. I haven’t ever mentioned him before, he’s the kind of friend you don’t call up everyday, but yes whenever you do you talk for hours and say everything without any fear of being judged or thought wrong about. We make confessions and share lot of stuff, but then its only once in a while and its so cool! He was recently in the city and we met up, initially we thought of calling a few more people but decided just the two of us hanging out. It was great! We talked a lot, him about his life and where he is and his relationship and his plans and me about much lighter stuff like New Guy (who btw sis met and called not-good-looking, so I’m doubting if I’m attracted to not-good-looking types) and what we want and wish for. He also said that we share the same level of thinking and no matter how many years pass away and even if he calls me in 10 years we will still be on the same page, with the same mindset and still understand what the other is saying and  feeling. Which is so true and I love him for realizing this and saying it loud too. Isn’t he a sweetheart! YES! YES!

Confession time: Now, I have always thought that Nilu was a very good dateable guy (obviously a few things apart). I mean I KNOW that him and me are not meant to be dating and I have never wanted that, but I love to hear him appreciate me. It feels good. It feels good to be coming from a guy whom I find quite decent and all. Which reminds me that he has actually made a few comments of such interest on me in the past and even the day we met he was like ‘I’m attracted to you now’, but it was all in good spirit. He’s a cute guy and I’m a pretty gal, there’s bound to be some attraction. And the great thing is that in spite of him saying something like that I enjoyed it, took it as a compliment and didn’t feel a bit of awkwardness and was still equally comfortable and friendly. He didn’t offend me at all. Same goes for him, when I told him that I’ve thought of him as the perfect dateable guy, he was happy. We weren’t making a pass at each other or trying to get something out of it, we were just being good open friends.

He left for USA yesterday and will be back in a month or so. Cheers to him and me!

 

Then there’s this friend of mine ‘A’. I know him since last 5 years and we met on my first temp BPO job that I took up during the 1st year vacations. He was still doing his graduation then and was quite an innocent guy(seemed to be). We have seen each other in being naive and learning and then focused and then working.  I have seem him start smoking for social reasons and he has seen me set up innocent adolescent dreams of marrying my first love. It’s like seeing each grow from one phase of life to another. But the thing is that we didn’t meet much or talk much. After my vacation was over I left the job, bought my first branded shoes from the salary (Adidas – with 2 pink stripes running across the sides from the laces to the heel on each side)and went back to college. We kept talking once in a while and he kept hitting on whenever he got a chance. He used to like me from the beginning only and I knew, but I didn’t like him like that at all and he knew that too. He changed work and started getting more focused and I busy struggling to keep my mind sane and finish with college and throughout we kept talking, like catching up with each others progress.

Now, he is working at a good organisation and me too.

I changed my no. and lost his number and then we met again after a year on the DND toll bridge. I was on my way back home in office cab, reading a book and he was also using the same way home. He saw me and started honking, I noticed and tried to ignore once(i think it was a fight we had the last time we spoke) and when he didn’t give up I was like what the hell, he’s an old chap man! So I got off the cab and he dropped me home. We have been in touch since then and met once on a travel back home cum booze in car party. Was fun as I wasn’t drinking then and then a couple of times when he dropped me to office as we share the same route.

We decided on meeting up again and taking the same plan driving home-cum party and the same morning I lost my 1 week new phone in the office loo (Curse you bloody thief.. may you loose all your phones.. may you be deprived of the telephone technology FOREVER!! ) Ahem.. Please excuse the abrupt behavior… Now back to sanity! So, I thought I won’t be able to meet him. Luckily I had his mail id and sent a note to all my frenz with my office number to contact. He called and we met up. Driving and drinking and chatting and him still chance maro -ing. lol! He has a girlfriend now for 3 years and is well settled. They plan to get engaged next year and all. But he has this thing for me, you know that thing that feels incomplete type, like ‘Just if yaar’  thing and I don’t mind it as long as he’s decent which he always is, but we did talk lot of crap the other day, like how if my marriage doesn’t be good I’ll call him first, but he also added he wished that never happens to me. It was fun, enjoying, being with him I always go back to those full of hopes and dreams days. I had a little too much and got off home at the right time coz after that my head was spinning man! literally! I was speaking to New Guy and that reminds me that the day before I met ‘A’ I shared my plans with New Guy and he literally behaved weird,  I mean he called me an ass for planning to meet some guy after such long time and drinking with him, I tell you this man is Conservative ( will make Good things and BAd things list later). I had a bloody heated argument with him on this and in the end he agreed that he was wrong, though I still know that he is a conservative head.

Anyhow, so much to completing this, now I’ve lost half my day of work hours, have work pending and need to go back home early today (Bhai Dhuj). But you know what, I love to do this, write and say and more…

Why don’t I just do only this.. ya maybe…..

N btw did i stick to the topic? No, well it’s a perfect blog then.. ;)

 

Also, love the updated spellcheck on wordpress.

Rays of Hope..

{ October 8, 2009 @ 12:55 pm } · { Hobbies, Interesting, art, books, dating, dreams, family, feelings, friends, habits, health, interpret, life, love, music, personal, random, reading, realtionships, secrets, sex, thoughts, work, writing }
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Every now and then we fall away from our dreams, we drift to ‘to-do’ lists and other important stuff. Exhaust life out of ourself hoping, just hoping we will ge where we want. Then what about today? Now? Where you stand? Doesn’t that count?  I didn’t wanna get to sadistic, but seems like I’m quite a natural at it. lol!!

 

Anyways, so I wanted to say was that sometimes the simplest of things give you hope to dream again. Some kind of unwavering faith that we carried in our childhood comes back, even if for a moment. It may be few words, an event, something , anything. It makes you believe!

I love that feeling. It brings me to a place where everything I want is waiting for me to want it and believe in it. No questions, no logic, it just is!

I recently went to watch ‘Wake Up Sid’ with New Guy and it brought me back to wanting what makes me happy. To write, to believe, to be different, to be me. I want to be a writer, someone creative, someone original. Me!! So self obsessed ?? Ya Ya …

Btw did you notice that I haven’t been updating anything about New Guy?? You see the non-existence of even an E of  excitement, I do!! More on this later … Maybe.

 

I can’t say why do I loose track of these hopes. But having said that I’m still hanging on, I mean I’m in the office right now, on an important conference call about the hectic work that will be coming up and what and how to go about it, but still, I’m completing this blog. You see!!

One more thing that gets me back to those lovely dreams of a fab life of being a writer(freelance if I may please), living in New York and also if you would just throw in a Fab Bod and great Fashion sense… Do I hear Sex in the City?? YES Please… :)

Hopes of an innocent person.. too much to ask for?? Nooo!

Okay, Now I’m certain you’re thinking I’m crazy, idiot and immature. But you know what? I think that’s what you should be, crazy enough to love your dreams and not care about being thought as crazy!!

Also, a good read makes me all energized and ready to carry my notepad/diary around all the time. I love to read! I love words and how they bring alive everything they touch, the messages they carry, the warmth they carry, how just within seconds of moving your eyes from left to end of the page you start feeling sensual or whatever, also how they make you want to snuggle up with be in love. They bring your emotions out to the open and play around.

Okay,  I really need to get back to work now.. lol!! I wish I could stay and say so much more…

Later.. later…

PS: I just started reading a blog and it was a guy writing poetry.. wow!! n good stuff!. I didn’t know such guys existed.. Did you?  ;)

 

 

 

 

Yesterday’s dream, making me feel lame

{ May 9, 2009 @ 4:58 am } · { Hobbies, Interesting, books, dreams, family, feelings, friends, habits, interpret, life, love, personal, random, reading, realtionships, secrets, sex, thoughts, work, writing }
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I can’t believe this is all that’s left in my life in the name of love/boys/dating/excitement; dreaming of dance instructors whom I’ve never had a personal conversation apart from hi and bye, and whom I’ve not seen in months and who once when we chatted on-line said I think i remember you and gave one word replies and dropped off by saying that I am busy with something.

Not that I’m dying without boys and I still agree that I don’t have time,energy, money or patience to go through a ‘Relationship curve’ (new term right, will explore this in next post) at this time in my life. Reason? you ask (or don’t):

 

Let’s see why I don’t have the time (And all other things depend on time, so this is reason enough) :

a)I work full time that makes it 12-13 hours including my travel time

b) even without a guy in my life I’m snoozing for only 7 hours (it should be minimum 8 hours for computer people i read)

c) then I have to relax / hobbies for some 3 hours

relax activities -be alone, tv, reading, cutting split-ends, staring blankly into mirror, starting at whiteheads on my nose into mirror, music, facebook, reading, writing, trying clothes… kinna stuff

hobbies activities – right now swimming (earlier was dancing)

 

So that totals up to 23 hours, see I got only an hour or two left. 

 

And that wouldn’t be enough right. Why?  you ask (or don’t)

1. Firstly, I would have to find a good guy. That’s so difficult.

2.  Then find out that he’s not looking for serious time devoting girl and neither looking for slut to only sleep with.

3. I will want to know the guy.

 

If someone like that just came in front of me, I would go for it. Believe me!

 

The-kinna-guy-I-would-go-for-right-now list (Sorry I have to mention, you wouldn’t understand otherwise) :

1. He should be smart and presentable.

2. Should be emotionally stable and caring.

3. Should be decently busy and free to talk to me.

4. Should share some personal stuff with me.

5. Should be clear on the relationship status, we’re dating but not committing.

6. Should be rich.  Please I’ve been the one giving gifts and paying(dutching) restaurant bills till now. I deserve some pampering.

7. Should be cool and have cool friends.

8. Should respect women and not brag about our sex life in front of his friends. (sorry I’m drifting to should not’s )

9. Should be a fun person and trying new stuff.

10. Should have a life of his own, where I can visit sometimes.

11. Should be great in bed (I know this is a worldly fact, but I just like to write this, it makes me feel so grown up)

12. Should be understanding and caring. (‘caring’ mentioned people, and this isn’t even a relationship! ha!) 

 13. Our aim of being together should be, having someone to share feelings with, get advice from, have fun with, enjoy time with and some cuddling with (of-course it doesn’t stop there)

14. Dating exclusively is in my head right now, but on other thoughts it seems like too much attachment over time, so I think we can leave out the exclusive part. I’m just saying this, have no idea how this will be if real.

 

Coming back to why I’m writing a my-guy-wish-list and the dream last night.

Guess who I dreamed about last night?  ‘D’, for all those who don’t know him, my x-dance instructor. I know its so lame. I haven’t seen him in months (3 Ithink), no calls (wasn’t any earlier as well) and the only connection that i have with him is that he’s on my facebook friend’s list and the last time the nothing-of-a-conversation that happened online made me feel like an idiot. But he’s so cute. Awww.. I didn’t even think about him yesterday, but yes the day before I did when I saw another of his portfolio pictures added on his profile. He looks hot. He’s been working hard at the gym and has 6 pack abs now, well I don’t know how long he’s had them but I just saw them few days back so OOOhhhhh….

The dream was kina weird, I was with him and we were supposedly in a after the action situation. Then I see my sis with K (he’s a friend of her’s whom she’s fought with and hasn’t been talking to) and they’re dancing, like couple dancing, then there’s some confusion btw me an ‘D’ and next I see I’m luring him. ???

Anyhow, I should stop looking at his pics everytime I’m on facebook. It’s not my fault there’ nothing else to do on it, I hardly have any messages / comments (same as here), there aren’t any friends I need to add, I don’t trust the idea of meeting any new  people online (they might be psycho’s) and then my net speed is so slow that no quizzes open up before 10 min. Then I see his pics on my wall (have to scroll down, its been a while since he put them there) and check them and saw wow! Not my fault! Right?

But never the less, its making me feel so lame. Although I’m clear in my head that you cannot say you ‘have a life’ only based on if there’s a guy/gal in your life, but then looking at D’s pics dosen’t make me feel like my head is clear at all. But yes, some letching is ok sometimes.

Why did I write this? You ask (or don’t).

I don’t know. :)

The first move; guy or gal?

{ April 25, 2009 @ 8:53 pm } · { Interesting, feelings, habits, interpret, jazz, life, love, personal, random, realtionships, secrets, sex, thoughts }
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As far as I remember, I have always been the open and speaking your mind person in all my relationships. Also I’ve been the one to take the first step, talk openly, say that I like you, always making the first move. But coming to think of it, I’m doubting if that seems a bit too odd. Do guys like to be the empowered and taking first step ones? I’m fine with being bold and saying what’s on my mind but I’m wondering if that’s ok?

I personally feel that as long as the message gets across there’s no difference if the guy or girl made the move. Of course I wouldn’t say throwing yourself at someone is okay, but I’m just talking of asking someone out, saying you’re cute or asking for their number. I would go with a guy who can handle that his girl is as smart and upfront as he is or even better.  I don’t think it’s a bad thing at all. They should be proud of being with someone who has a free mind and courage to speak it out. And most of the times when a guy approaches you he’s looking for fun but mostly girls only take a step when they are being genuine. Exceptions are always there, but we’re talking generally. And I say, even if we want only fun then who the hell tells us its wrong and when guys do the same its all okay.

Can’t boys handle the fact that someone is interested in them? Do they get scared of our confidence ? Is being bold and upfront scary? Do we have to suppress our freedom to express to serve their male ego? 

 

If you’re wondering where all this came from then:

I was just on line on facebook and my dance instructor there, I chatted with him for a while, I told him that I used to have a crush on him and he replied ‘Ok’. What’s  Ok??? Did he get scared? He didn’t seem to respond much than yes and no after that and I said bye and logged off. I don’t know if I did the right thing, well he’s moved so another city and left my dance academy so I won’t have to face any embarrassing moment, but I really wished he could have been little more expressive there. Even if you’re not interested, if someones using the word *crush* for you, people please be polite there may be some soft feelings attached there. I didn’t expect him to say ‘me too’ or thank me but if you know you’re handsome and cool then be polite if people like you. He was always so humble in classes. Dun know why he didn’t respond well said he was busy. 

Here’s the chat I had with him (some edits done only for being anonymous)

1:16amN

hi D

u thr?

1:18amD

hi

1:19amN

How u doin?

1:20amD

m doin gud

1:21amN

u still in M——?

1:21amD

ya

1:21amN

k

1:21am      

D was tagged in a photo.

 

 

 

 

 

 

1:21amN

so howz d new dance place?? havin fun?

1:22amD

ya

1:23amN

nice pic btw..

u look diff though

1:23amD

thnx

yaa!

1:23amN

so u neva comin back to D—–?

1:24amD

i mite

1:25amN

u do noe me right?

lol!

1:25amD

ya i thnk

1:26amN

:)

every1 in class missz u

1:26amD

ya .. im miss u guyz too

1:27amN

really!!

1:27amD

ya alot

1:27amN

hey can i tel u a secret…

its not a big deal though..

jus sumthn silly!

1:28amD

ya teme

1:28amN

u gota proise no making fun

promise*

1:29amD

ya

1:29amN

i kina had a crush on u for a litl while

1:29amD

ok …

1:29amN

lol!! even writing *crush* sounds schoolish

1:31amN

so u like M—–?

1:32amD

y aits fun

1:32amN

whr u stayn?

1:33amD

b——

1:33amN

signed ny movies yet??

;)

1:34amD

no yaar jus 1 ad n couple of photo shoots

1:34amN

ooohhh.. wch ad?

its a good start..

1:35amD

its new drink lauchin called t——

by t——–

1:36amN

wil watch 4 it!

sound nice!

1:38amN

btw u belong to D—- right?

1:38amD

ya

1:43amN

i always wanted to ask u how did u decide on taking dance professionally?

i mean its a diff decision right?

1:47amN

u seem busy

1:47amD

lil busy m sry

1:48amN

is dis bad tme 2 chat 4 u

1:48amD

m wrkin rite nw on sumthin ..m really sry vl chat latr

1:48amN

np!ctch up later sumtym….

gdnite! tc

1:51amN

c ya in D then!!

————————————————

I’ll send him a light message after few days.

Does it sound desperate? Should I send it or not?

————————————————————————

Hey there,

Was good talking to you the other day after long time. Hope I didn’t scare you with d crush thingy. Dun worry nothing like that now. Lets catch up when you’re in town. If you want that is.

Cheers!

——————————————————————-

Blogging and stuff

{ April 23, 2009 @ 5:10 am } · { Hobbies, Interesting, dreams, family, feelings, habits, health, interpret, jazz, life, personal, random, secrets, sex, thoughts, work, writing }
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Lately I haven’t been typing in much and I’m beginning to get the feel that that’s why I’m so worked up. The millions and zillions of thoughts crossing my mind everyday haven’t got an outlet, a way to be out in the open and this is because a) I don’t talk much at home, not about work at least and work is where most of the thinking isdone, intentionally or otherwise & b) I haven’t been blogging.

I recently read two very good reasons to blog in a magazine:

1. Blogging works as Anger Management and this doesn’t mean you are a ‘raising gun-points on people’ type angry person, anger means anything that bother you and makes you feel like bursting, could be a cheating lover, unmanageable kids or even sometimes unfair life in general. So there write whatever is bothering you and feel relaxed. It works to some extent. Proof,  as I am writing this I can feel the creases on my forehead relaxing down.

2. Blogging and help you find your right career. And everyone who’s I’m so in the need to find mine. How? Well, its simple that whenever you’re reading blogs just make a mental note of the Tags/Categories you visit most. For example, if you read mostly about Food and recipe’s then something Kitchen/restaurant related would be your interest; if you’re mostly stuck on stories then some writing/fiction could be your thing. Now please don’t ask me what if the your mostly visited tags are ‘Sex’? Here’s an idea, maybe you could become a sex consultant i.e if such a thing exists. :)

So its simple as it sounds, your interest are what you will be drawn towards and all you have to do is acknowledge this interest and find ways to use it productively.

If I put myself in this situation, then I usually like to read the ‘personal’, ‘random’, ‘Life’, ‘thoughts’ and sometimes ‘writing’ tags (not listed in any preference order). I mostly like to read the open bare truths and confessions tye of stuff. So what do you think is my interest??? Random thoughts?? Its not so simple after all huh?

Anyways, getting back to ‘my state of mind’, its not in the best place right now and all the positiveness is being held by just on hook tip (weird sentence right?). If you didn’t get me then, what I meant was I’m trying to hold onto every bit of positive thinking and its getting really difficult.

I have been off from work quite a lot this month, 4 days of leave till now out of which 3 mondays. Its been difficult to accept that this is my life, this work, this office, these polite conversations and this life. I come to work thinking of how to get by the day and after I leave I think it wasn’t so bad after all, but while I’m here I feel stuck, like being in a wrong place and continuing to be there even if you knew it, I feel helpless and angry at the same time. I know this is  not so bad, there are perks and easy work and decent pay, then why can’t I do it without so many thoughts and pathetic feeling? Why can’t I take this just a job? The more I think the worse it gets. And now I don’t even feel like working, if there is something urgent hanging on my neck then I do it but if there is some time to it then I ignore it and get to blogging instead.

I’m feeling much better after writing all that now.

I can’t say this at home to anyone, they don’t understand. Mom will get a panic attack and say all about my responsibilities and then I’ll land up feeling guilty and sis will only listen for a few minutes and tell me about all the perks I get as compared to her. I got no one to talk to except you my dear blog. You’re my best friend! Can you please reply sometime? and give advice also? well, okay get someone who is reading this to reply atleast? Please!

New things in life include, signing up for swimming lessons from next month, me and mom will be going together and we’re all set, except I haven’t bought my swimsuit yet. Ooohh! me in swimsuit! I think will go and find one in decent covering and exposing ratio. God I’ve never worn one, will let you know how I’ll look.

Also, the dance performance will be in June end and practises begin next month. I so hope we get a ‘hot and sexy’ choreography this time.

Today is dance class again and I’m all-set to getting groovy and letting it all out today. What happens at the class is that I get too conscious about what I’m wearing and how I’m looking and I have three tyres and the other girls have perfect figures. And with all this thinking I loose the confidence and my dance shows it. When I practice at home I feel great, I show my moves and give it the best and I see myself and I actually look hot, but at the class its different. I’m going to get my hot self exposed in the class today. I don’t care if I look stupid or where my clothes are going. I will perform today. Full On!

That’s pretty much what’s been happening in the past few days. And hey, that thing ‘that-I-have-started-and-I-am-not-going-to-talk-about-until-its-complete’ is going on. Pray for me! I will.

Cheers!!

*Good type feelings, relaxed feeling have definitely increased from when I started this post.*

The Last update on dance instructor crush; I think

{ April 10, 2009 @ 8:05 am } · { Hobbies, Interesting, dreams, feelings, friends, jazz, life, love, personal, random, realtionships, secrets, sex, thoughts }
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Ohh. This is sad news.

He has left the dance academy and joined somewhere else in Mumbai. Now I know how strong my gut feeling was that ‘I don’t feel like he’s coming back’,  or maybe the logical aspect of Mumbai having more opportunities in the entertainment business was not that hard to guess. No,  I’m going to be with strong-mystical-connection-hence-intution explanation.

He’s probably got a better pay or higher position and I’m happy for him.

But ohh, i will miss him soo much.

During the one month that I went to classes when he was away, it was so boring. And as I have already registered for the next three months I will have to drag my ass there. I don’t think they entertain refunds.

Wait a minute! Why am I thinking about refund? and leaving dance? I joined because I wanted something fun, I like dance and learning a new thing was the reason I joined jazz and moreover I have been in his classes only for 1 month. So why am I so connecting learning dance with him.

Maybe I found a new inspiration in seeing him twice a week.

Ohh, too many of these happening, sighs  accompanied 

I will miss so many things that are linked to him:

I will miss imagining on the way to the class that how I will see him and say hi and maybe actually talk to him this time.

I will miss how I felt every time I saw him, that blush and cheeks feeling warm and hands going ice cold.

I’ll miss the fastening of heartbeats(my, only that I know about ;) ) as I see him walking towards me.

I’ll miss the completely crazy ideas of how I should have slipped on purpose when he passed by me and maybe he would catch me in his arms.

I’ll miss trying so hard to stop the never ending smile on my face when I watch him dance.

I’ll miss his moves.

I’ll miss his jokes and sometimes mean humor.

I’ll miss the his black T’s and track pants.

Ooooohhh…

I’ll miss the numbness of skin and brain, on every touch; all by mistake though, hand hit while dance, hands touch when reaching for door, his hands on my stomach when correcting my posture, his hands on my knees telling how to do it right.

I’ll miss watching him and images of me and him kissing passionately flashing in-front of me.

I’ll miss telling everyone I met that ‘my dance instructor is soo hot. Every one has a crush on him, even me’.

I’ll miss wanting to do my best to grab his attention.

I’ll miss staring at him in the mirror and watch him so carefully.

I’ll miss his jawline, he has a perfect one.

I’ll miss his strong arms, the cuts of biceps and triceps, that made me(and am sure every girl in class) almost drool.

I’ll miss his pink lips. I’ll miss looking at them when he’s addressing the class and reminding myself that many people, he included might notice my psycho behavior.

I’ll miss smiling at myself being so school girl and silly.

I’ll miss him every time I enter the studio (I love the word ’studio’, it makes me feel like a real dancer, with moves and rehearsals and sexy) 

I’ll miss him soo much.

I’ll miss the feeling of having a crush on someone.

Is it possible to miss someone you don’t even know?

Hey, hey, I did see that the new academy he’s joined has a branch in my city too. And maybe just maybe he will be teaching here. But that would mean I would have to join his academy and that would seem so desperate. hehehe.. :)

So I think this is the last time you’re hearing about him from me. Sigh.

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