Archive for music

Wait for life to happen r run after it?

{ November 8, 2009 @ 11:39 am } · { Blogroll, Hobbies, Interesting, dreams, feelings, habits, interpret, jazz, life, love, music, personal, random, secrets, thoughts, work, writing }
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Before I start lemme mention, my left had finger tips are swollen as if bee strung and little red.. any guesses? Yes, the guitar fever iso n again.. :) but this time i’m gonna learn it completely, at least enough to support the statement ‘ I know how to play a guitar’. lol!

 

Coming to what I’ve thought about a lot of times and felt too. Do you sit and wait for life you want to happen or run after it?

 

I feel like I’ve done a little of both. I’ve been doing this job and spending what probably might be the best years of my life, complaining and feeling not so good and then I’ve also tried to run after it by doing these things like the dance classes, swimming classes, something or the other to keep me busy and feel like I’m living a life. I know pursuing a hobby dosen’t seem lame, but when you go for it only to make yourself feel less of a loser and full of life, then I think you’re at a very wrong place altogether. The irony of all of this is that I don’t know where else I want to be if not here or how to get there… OMG! I’m such a loser!!!

 

How do you know what you want and if you do then how do get to it??

I know I’ve said this many times, but still no answers…

25 Random things about me – Continued 2

{ November 6, 2009 @ 5:06 pm } · { Blogroll, Interesting, art, dating, dreams, family, feelings, friends, habits, interpret, life, love, music, personal, random, reading, realtionships, secrets, thoughts, work, writing }
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Continuing from the last number .

I was on #45 then.. so

46. I find myself in ‘feet in my mouth’ situation quite often. I seriously need to know when to shut up. It’s not like I talk too much all the time, but at times when I start talking and people start responding well, like listening and enjoying then I go beyond a limit and say things I wouldn’t have otherwise ever said.

47. I love to talk, like a good conversation even healthy arguments (typical libra).

48. I am super jealous of I-never-workout-or-diet-coz-I-have-naturally-high-metabolism-and-slim-bone-structure females and males too.. ‘uber jealous!

49. I am a miser. I actually don’t spend much, but when I do its only on good stuff.

U know wat..let me go back and check my previous random posts, I don’t wanna repeat anything.. okay I’m also trying to get popular..and its for the benefit of the newcomers.. :)

2009/02/26/25-random-things-about-me

2009/04/08/25-random-things-about-me-continued

49. There have been times when I couldn’t get the lyrics of some english songs I have gone to google the lyrics. Don’t know if this happens to others or just me ?

50. I like to get appreciated.. I like it a lot! I know this is like common, but sometimes I go beyond my way to keep it that way, like #46, also sometimes when helping someone and they start saying good things about me and then ask for some help that I know will be little extra than what I can do, I go ahead take the pain and help them. This is so much like ‘Joey’ in FRIENDS episode, where Rachel and Joey kiss in Hawaii and he has to tell Ross about it, but Ross goes on about how good a friends Joey has been and then Joey lands up not uttering a word about him and Rachel at all.

51. I have dreamed about working and living independently in an apartment (New York please) alone since I was in 9th standard, but now I seriously doubt if I’ll be able to manage it all.

52. Many a times I idealize something I want so much that everything else seems not enough. Its happened from shopping items to boys.

53. I like listening to music really loud. Right now listening to

‘I don’t hook up’- Kelly Clarkson. I so identify with this one and also looked up the lyrics of this one :)

‘Done all wrong’ – new moon. This is alight weird, but I like the dark vampire theme in background.

54. When I like a song, I go on listening to it on repeat for days. Then I move to something else.

55. Actually this happens with other stuff too, fav pair of jeans, scandals, cardigan, muffler.. hmm.. I exhaust the hell out of what I like.. ;) Hope there are no side effects to this..I know there may be..let’s look at the bright side for now. :)  

56. I actually think I can sing well, but I also know better. But this thought that if you get proper training and all then maybe I could have. I’m not that bad now either.

57. I am a very responsible person. How? I have waking up at 5:30am for 2 years now for my job, which as you know is not much my passion. Just imagine if I were into something I loved doing..

58. I feel I’m very vulnerable person and really try hard to hide that, to show I’m strong and don’t care, but I don’t think it works much coz I still find myself in a position where I am feeling bad but not showing it but the other person doesn’t even realize it. Recent incident will be quoted in second post for the night.

59. I haven’t been religious since college, but now started fasts on Thursdays and it makes me feel good. Some peaceful feeling.

60. Much of the times I wish I had a more clear and forgiving heart. Really I wish.

61. People who know less about me seem to be more impressed with me and not so much when they get to know me better. I think so. Maybe I seem all sensible and serious know-it-all-in-control type, until they know how much confusion happens in this mind of mine.

61. I love my family. Just sometimes I think I get selfish and then mix miser into it, so I stop them from some expenditure but do the same for myself.

I think enough for today…

Hope you’al like it.. see I want to be liked.. I guess everybody does..

I like to move it..hahaha.. ‘everybody does’ triggered that one..

If I don’t believe in love..

{ November 6, 2009 @ 4:15 am } · { Blogroll, Interesting, dating, dreams, feelings, friends, habits, interpret, life, love, music, personal, random, reading, realtionships, secrets, sex, thoughts, writing }
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This is a really good song.. I love Dido’s all songs and especially ‘White Flag’. I like her voice, it’s so non-conventional, not too sugary sweet, that hoarse rough touch yet melodious. Really good!

I read this great and honest post, where a girl explained all about her past relationships and how they ended and what came out of it and its got me thinking. How much do I know about my past? Do I know what had exactly happened? Why I was there and why I left and what came out of it all?

I mean I know they didn’t work and all, but the point is ‘Did I learn the lesson the first time around, or will am I yet to learn it?’

I don’t know… So let’s try and get this sorted.

My first boyfriend was that in school days. I was a total knock out babe and he was cute. He followed me around when I went for evening walks and then came up to ask to be my friend and then after a few tantrums I agreed. We were friends for a while and then he said ‘I Love You’, which at that time meant you’re now officially boyfriend-girlfriend. I took it slow and he was rushing me ahead and at some point it felt like that was the only reason he was with me. It hurt! But then I don’t blame him, he was young and anxious to explore so much on two people being together and doing stuff. I was just scared. We had a really nasty break-up. I cried and yelled at him for tricking me into all of it just for the sake of his first experience  and all that on the phone (from an STD).. lol! God! I created so much of drama and we hadn’t even done it. Hell I was immature. But then what me and him shared was so much glossy and fairytale and perfect. All my friends looked up to us as ideal couple. We looked great together and spoke on the phone for hours. That’s it! It made me proud at some point, some stupid teenage feeling of ‘having it all’ had creeped in and when the reality wasn’t so ideal, I was pissed. But then there were much bigger troubles awaiting in line, my dad’s hospital ordeal started soon and then another one and half years of fighting the medical sciences and human body diagnosis. I lost him. I really felt so alone. I wish that ideal boyfriend was there to be with me, just hold my hand, a shoulder to cry out loud in front of. But then with no one around it all made me so strong. I met this guy later after about 3 years, when I was with another guy. We got talking and then he asked me ig he was better or my current guy. Asshole! We spoke for a while until he behaved exactly as weirdly like earlier days, he bought me a gift for my birthday but I paid as he was not carrying cash or something and then he just vanished. Bloody hell! Got a message after long time, but I was done with my share of dealing with cheap guys! literally cheap!

what did I learn – I think ‘do not go ou with Cheap guys! never! ever!’ anything else?

 

My second so-called boyfriend was again in school, around my twelfth standard and he came to our place along with an uncle who was an astrologer of something. Later we exchanged numbers and then we started talking. Although he wasn’t very sure of whom he wanted to talk to i.e between me and sis, but since I had responded so we got talking. I used to like talking to him but only for sometime. He was super cute and handsome, but apart from that boring and dumb. God! after a few days which seemed like ages I was in tears and wanted to get out of it all. Never have I found someone so intolerable. Anyways, finally once he did a stupid mistake and I caught hold of it and dragged it on and made it a reason to break up with him. Phew!!

what did I learn -never data a dumb cute guy. It’s just too exhausting to have meaningless conversations for hours… tiring!

 

My third boyfriend was the one in college. He was so not good-looking, I think at one point I even called him ugly i.e, before I knew him. My friends started teasing me with his name, like you’re gonna be with that ugly dude, and somehow later I started to feel what if. I was so innocent, I thought I knew everything. He approached me and then we started dating and before I knew we were together and I was so attached to him. He was a sweetheart. Really! A gem of a person, but then there are things that should not be ignored. He wasn’t at all passionate about his career and then his family was so small-minded. I tried to ignore everything but after 3 years of going through the cycle of  love- made for each other-can’t live without-together forever-fighting-patching-fighting-patching, the final question is ‘Are you good to be with each other?’ and I knew we weren’t. I have too much passion for the one life I have, to give it up for a simple and sweet person. I can’t kill my dreams and if you aren’t willing to take the run with me and just slog behind, I’m sorry! He didn’t want to end it and even when I tried being friends he would always come back to asking if we could be together again. But I knew that I would never be happy with him, with so much compromise. So I cut all contacts with him. We have a few common friends and I hear he’s ok. He also asks about me sometimes. I hope he’s over me, I know he wasn’t until quite sometime. But seriously I pray he is. I know I am over him, but just that I don’t think I can trust anyone as blindly as him.

what did I learn – Don’t ignore everything else just because 1 thing is so good, no matter how good.

 

Lets hope I keep this in mind and not repeat my mistakes! But I still feel that I don’t really know what I want. I mean in my head I know, but then I also know that I might just settle for something less.

Like this New Guy i’ve been dating, he doesn’t have so many things that I wanted in a guy, and yet after knowing it all I’m continuing to date him. Although it’s all a time pass, but even then I mean. Maybe I’m not sure I deserve that good a guy. Don’t know! But with New guy things are so confusing, I like talking to him, but I don’t like all that romantic imaginative stuff too much, I find him attractive when I meet him but not when I think of him later, I want him to pamper me but not get attached or sentimental about it, I want to have a good time but don’t want him to treat me without respect like only fun type, I want to spend time with him (until I find someone else) but not at all close to being his girlfriend. God!

 

Confusion na! I know… lets just keep it light for now!

Emotions and Bonds *edited title*

{ October 28, 2009 @ 5:47 am } · { Blogroll, Hobbies, Interesting, art, books, dreams, family, feelings, friends, habits, interpret, jazz, life, love, music, personal, random, reading, realtionships, secrets, thoughts, work, writing }
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There are so many meanings to this word ‘bonding’, but what comes first to your mind?

For me, my thoughts run to emotional bonds, bonds of love, bonds of friendship, bongs of adoring, bonds of caring.

Emotions always intrigue me to think more, observe more, see through what appears and what lies beneath, know why you feel a particular way and why not? There’s so much to it and I want to see it, know it. I think that’s why I’m so fond of emotional movies too, like Love Aaj Kal, When Harry met Sally, Jerry Maguire, Wake up Sid, Forest Gump(absolute Fave, I’ll watch it a million times, I think I already know most of the dialogues), Big Fish, Never been Kissed, Made of Honor (Love this, actually love Tom too;) ),P.S. I Love You(awww I cried twice in the first I watch).. and the list can go on. 

Keeping to the original thoughts ‘Emotions and Bonding’. I love to bond, I love the feeling, like you connect, literally like you can sense the existing of this thread that connects you and another person. It feels like you know this something exists and only you can feel this and share this thread/bond, its unique, its only for you too, irreplaceable, absolutely ir-reproduceable. It’s a great feeling!

It might seem that I’m making too much out of a small and very common part of human nature and existence, but,  if you actually stop and think about it, you’ll know that every bonding you share with every person on this earth is so unique. It’s like its your own exclusive antique collection, nowhere else to be found on the earth. Thrilling na! 

I share different kinds of bonding with so many people and this is when I’m not a very social person, so I’m so sure you’all would also have many such bondings…do share…

Friendship Bonding -  Here also there are many types..

I have friends I share a total masti type bonding, we connect on how to have fun and what you find fun. It’s cool! As soon as I say ‘I really enjoy sitting at Nescafe till late nights and sipping coffee’ and the other person says ‘me too’, click, there’s a bonding. Then I have a few friends who might not know much about my personal life and vice-versa, and also we don’t feel there is anything missing if we don’t share it, coz what we’re bonding over is FUN!

There are friends I can talk to for hours without even having to stop for a second to collect what to talk about next. I love this bonding too, the Talk-Talk type, hey! that’s a nice one, I’ll call this ‘Talk-Talk bonding’. It feels so good to be able to say everything in your mind, in fact I think I share this bonding with my blog as well. :) I love this blog space!! I’m a working software engineer adult! Believe me!/? lol!

Another very unique bonding in friendship is that comes from books & reading. I love this one too. Now I may not know much fancy authors and I usually stick to popular fiction stuff until this last time I went to Connaught Place and picked up random books whose summary seemed interesting from a second-hand books shop (if anyone want to know, it’s the Book corner next to Plaza) and it made me feel all like ‘great reading taste and stuff type’ and the books were all good too (see my novels I’ve read links on right hand). I love to talk about the writing skills and how you interpret these words and how the other person feels about it, and the great thing about this bonding is that it exists even if the ideas you have are totally different, like opposites. It actually excites me to know that a person could find a piece so contrasting to how I felt and interpreted it. I find this different mind and thoughts type stuff quite interesting. I should have so gone into psychology. ‘The bloody list of  Should’s ’ again. Hey next post on this, or maybe a book? You’ll read na..?

And another unique bonding I can think of is the ‘Altering bonding’, this happens that you may connect every time on a different thing, not like every time, but like frequently. And I think this one leads to one of the best friendships you have. I love friendships. I love to care, be cared for, to share, to confess, to console… awww… I’m all aww type now, *back to normal please, I’m in office remember!*

Also, yes I missed the ‘Confess All bonding’, there are some people you feel you can say anything to and they will not judge you for it. I confess to sis and I love her for not judging me, although her love for baby sis does surface and she advices me a little later, but never judges me. Another friend ‘S’ I used to confess to, but now things have gone sour, she was in Delhi and I called her to meet up, then she got busy and left without even talking and then I saw he status on Facebook reading that ‘if we just accept people the way they are no one would end up loosing friends’ and I knew that was for me. She doesn’t consider me her ‘confess all friend’ anymore, or even just a friend. It makes me sad. Really! I lost one very unique bond from my collection and with a  lot of pain in my heart!  But I don’t think about it much as it has been like this for a while now.

Other Bonding -  Now I didn’t want ot put there something like ‘Love Bonding’ or something, coz I feel the source of all the above and next to come bonding is Love is some way or the other.

There’s also this ‘Adoring Bonding’ that might not totally be two-sided by I’d still call it a bonding and add it to my collection please. Sometimes, you find some people so adoring, like you can just sit and watch them/listen to them/observe them. You might adore them for their beauty, intelligence, art, talent, easiness, style, arrogance. It’s so great. I observe strangers sometimes, behaving, reacting, being themselves as in their routine ways. I like to admire the everyday routine-ness of it all, the casual natural and everyday general reactions and behavior. I also adore a few more people, for the way they are or secretly for the way I wish I could be. I love to adore…love.. This bonding make you feel so warm and human (god know why I need to feel this all the time.. wat re-assurance do I want? that I’m not a dog? .. lol! On a serious note, I think I just love to feel that I have a heart. Whatever sense that makes!)

Then there is this ‘Protective Bonding’, like you just can’t help but feel so protective of the other person.. oh, this reminds me of Edward Cullen “I feel very protective of you”, do you guys notice the way his lips move up from the corners showing his fang teeth. Ooohhh… I love this decent vampire.. lol! Anyways, so yes, about feeling concern for a person, like you  know they deserve all the good and you want to make sure they get it. It may be your sibling, friend, someone else. It’s all about the concern. I have this bond for my baby bro. :)

One more interesting one I remember, I’ll call it the ‘You as Me Bonding’. You know sometimes when we feel every joy and grief of another person as it is our own. Like anything good happens to them and you start jumping like it was happening to you. Like I told you’all about this friend of mine ‘Nilu’. See me and him, we are so close, like we don’t know each other’s family troubles or other deep feelings, we do share stuff on life, aspirations, feelings, thoughts but all in general, sometimes each other’s relationship stuff also, but when he told me he’s going to New York, I was so happy. I could feel the happiness and I knew when its my turn then also I would feel something very similar. I also adore him  lot. These bonding are the type that make you feel that even if you meet the person after 10 years or talk after ages (like me and him, we have gaps of months) even then everything will be the same, nothing changes between you two. You both might change to become different people in your own lives, but when you’re together, sharing that bonding space, then everything remains as it was 10 years ago. I fee in this bonding there is also a  very strong sense of understanding and being on the same level of thinking. Yay! I have someone like that! You should too…its lovely!

I think I’ve exhausted this page.. :)

Just one more bonding space I can think of right now, ‘Interests bonding’, when you bond over interests. I know I mentioned books above, so maybe that can go over to other interest too… any hobbies you have. Mine are sketching, reading, music, dancing, travelling, writing,.. and so many.

What the hell am I doing stuck in this cubicle and popping my eyes out for hours in front of this computer??? I Should be an artistic person, I am an artistic person…

Fuck type stuff happens… I guess just being practical and getting the bills paid.. lol!

And Last but not the least, to end on a good note, I love the bonding I share with everyone who reads my blogs and has a word or two to say to me! I love it when you guys comment. It makes me feel so worthy that you take the time to say something to me! really? I mean this is a fast time and money is time, so when you stop and share, I’m honored. Also, it makes me believe a little more in myself, you know writer and all. :)

Keep the comments coming darlings!!

Late night / early morning post

{ October 25, 2009 @ 10:34 pm } · { Blogroll, Hobbies, Interesting, dating, dreams, family, feelings, friends, habits, health, interpret, life, love, music, personal, random, reading, realtionships, secrets, sex, thoughts, work }
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Yup! I’m blogging at home, but no one’s awake so it more like alone type thing. I don’t know what thing I have with blogging with not any interference, but that’s how it is. I like to acknowledge my thoughts and feelings in peace. So, let’s get to it right away then. Shall we (dance Mr.Clark)? hehhe.. couldn’t stop myself..

About my weekend, my Friday evening was spent in office, working till 9pm(from 7 am ), there was this important piece that we wanted to complete and I took to completing it, like I have been doing for te past 2 weeks with only last week as leaving on normal time except of course Friday. So I stayed and worked(this better pay off in appraisal) and then New Guy called after his work hours to talk and I was busy so we kept texting and he showed a little concern that I should eat something and stuff.  Btw my mobile bill has gone upto 3 times from that before I knew him. We talk a lot and earlier I found it all very interesting, but off late there’s not much to it. It’s ok!,  I get little bored also. We still speak a lot on the phone, also spoke till late on Friday night.

So it wasn’t confirm if we were to come to office on Saturday or not, but on Saturday morning I got a call from my manger and she’s like we’ll need you there. I was mentally prepared for it so I was okay. Also, earlier when there were talks on weekend work, I had declined saying that I will be going out with family, but when the urgency came so I said I will change my plans and come if required. hehehe. Hope my manager considers all this, what the heck? she has to bloody hell! fingers crossed! I need a promotion… No, I need a job change.. No, career change.. Now you know why I don’t like to talk about my work right?  So went to work and got stuck till 7pm and then came back home and ordered pizza(yes, pleading guilty, 10-15 min yoga through the week and then pizza weekend..*guilty*) and spoke to New Guy was also busy with a frenz wedding, so nothing much, chatted with sis and mom and off to sleep.

Now comes glorious Sunday, woke up at 12pm. Rushed to get ready with no bath and go shopping as I couldn’t think of anything I could wear on the dinner date with New Guy, which I thought would be o some real fancy place (read on for what it was). now don’t think I’m such a loser trying to impress a guy and all okay. I really couldn’t think of one thing that I had that would make me feel confident on a classy type place, I mean I have but then I had worn it to the last time we met and then I didn’t mind buying a ‘for keeps’ item to my less existent wardrobe. So  I dragged sis along, we searched this entire flea market for something exclusive(which now sounds stupid..) but found nothing, but I did land up buying these amazing gladiator heels for half than original cost. They look hot, like my type hot(will need a post on this to explain). Yay! Then we moved a much class market and I tried almost every good store but no luck. So I landed up splurging on a great bag, its super cool, not too much girly and also structured and classy, just what I like. But its little expensive so can’t take it for everyday purpose and have neatly put it back in my cupboard. lol! ( A little particluar…hehe). And you know what! all these horoscope type stuff that I have been reading for this week/month said about ‘not to indulge in splurging’. But seriously, how much can even a sane girl like me resist?  But not going to splurge more this month (only 6 days more..lol! ) and will try not to next month too (see, sane na?). And somehow this feeling of wanting new stuff has really heightened a lot in the past week or so. I never feel like this. Maybe it’s because I want to be really presentable and all in front of New Guy and that doesn’t mean pretending to be something I’m not, it’s just that I haven’t keeping myself well and like myself either. I’ve been more than lousy and looking pathetic with old and repetitive clothes and stuff. God! how much will I embarrass myself here? no more.. you got the thing na? 

After so much running around we reached home about 45min before he was to pick me. I asked him where we’re going so I can dress accordingly and he said anything casual. Now I knew it wouldn’t be so casual so I took a semi-casual look  – black sleeveless top with front bow and little deep V-neckline from mango, with open semi woollen top that I bought last week with big buttons and elbow length puffed cum roughed sleeves and dark blue jeans with my new beige gladiator heels, Also I kept the make-up minimal and clean, gloss, little blush and eye pencil. Got the picture? I thought I looked good, like maybe 8.5, no 9 out of 10. and felt confident too(most important for me). I kept him waiting for 20 min and he is so impatient he kept calling again and again, and I kept saying just 5 min. :) We left and then he started apologizing for this little tiff we had earlier in the evening when he said we should move the time ahead else he won’t be able to come. I know pathetic right? God know why I even accept this ? I gave it off to him and told him we can cancel if he wants to save his time and all. Finally he called and said sorry and said he’ll be there on our agreed time. I agreed as I wanted to go too, but not after saying a few more stuff. heheh. He apologized and then I accepted the apology when he said I could slap him and I did, not hard but little. At this time he had stopped the car on the road side of this really lonely road, so then we got a little comfy and shared a very light kiss . I liked it, but still no feelings and I like that also, although its so new for me to be with someone I don’t feel for, but honestly things seem so light, no expectations, no change in my life plans, no living up to expectations..blah.blah. I like it! for now.

Then we moved to the place he had thought, actually I had asked him to decide to see his choice and all, so yes the place was good, a five-star hotel restaurant. Nice! We started talking and then he tells me why he wanted to take me for dinner was to celebrate the new job that he’s taking up. That was sweet! a little scary like getting attached type, but sweet and seemed harmless. So we talked and ate and a few drinks (all sober) and at one point he said he wanted to kiss me and I behaved little shy type smile. Okay laugh out! Now I’m new to this unattached stuff, so I really don’t know how to react. lol!

 2 hours passed away and we made a move for home as we were already getting late. Now a little worry part, I already told him the time I need to get home by(11pm) and he didn’t pay much importance to it and said we could get a little late with traffic. I didn’t like that. I mean what does he think of me? I hope he doesn’t have any loose ideas. He better not! i’d like the guy to respect my time and limits. I clearly told him that next time I won’t get perm coz we crossed the time this time. He didn’t tak that seriously too, now next time I’m not making evening plans at all. Wait and watch! Wow ! I like this game, all calculating and no emotional stupid type behavior.

Then on the same lonely way back home, he stopped the car with some lame excuse that I was also part of and then we had some intimate moments. Nothing much and I kept reminding we should move. Again no feeling from me..yay!! but it was fun! hey, I’m still a decent girl.. just having some fun she deserves.

He dropped me home at 11:30pm, half an hour late and I spoke to him for a couple of minutes, you know, “Thanks! I had a good time”, was actually OK, but some encouragement is required..I sound like a pro at this now!!lol!

 

Next time, no late evening plans… should learn a lesson right?

 

And btw it’s been more than 1 hour I have been typing! its 3:55 am now, but good I got this all here, else I wouldn’t have the enthu to pull all details it has now.

 

Forgot to ask, how was your weekend darlings?

Muzic in my life..

{ October 21, 2009 @ 9:30 am } · { Hobbies, Interesting, feelings, life, love, music, personal, random, thoughts }
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Currently listening to the tracks from the to be released Bollywood flick ‘Kurbaan’. Good stuff… a little too filmy type.. but I like the rhythm and feel of them so.. lyrics at places also…

I’m listening to :

Movie : Kurbaan

Track: Kurbaan Hua (title track)

There’s a phrase  ’Tum shuru huae jahan wahan mein khatam hua’

nice!!

Track: Shukran Allah

 

Movie : Ajab Prem Ki Ajab Kahani

Track: Tera Hone Laga Hoon

Track: Tu Jaane Na

 

N if you’re guessing how come so many posts today.. ;) well, I have little work and the deadline is next week end, so I’m chilling out…  YAY!!

Me and New Guy…as it is now..

{ October 20, 2009 @ 8:02 am } · { Interesting, dating, feelings, friends, interpret, life, love, music, personal, random, realtionships, secrets, thoughts }
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I had earlier put the title as ‘New guy and me…as it is now..’, but then everything means something right, to me at least, and this meant it was him and me, Wrong! it’s about Me and him.. same thing?? maybe.. maybe no…

ooh.. I could be the one for you.. what I’m trying to say is that you gotta let it go oho.. aah aah aaiya aiyaaa…

*excuse me, that was an abrupt burst of musical me.. with Hillary Duff’s ‘Why Not’. Good song, go listen*

Coming back, so about him and me .. no, no! about me and him, Ok! so last I remember (actually i went back and checked it up) I told you I met him, that’s it and no details.  Story time.. ranting time.. whatever..

 

First Meet:

New Guy was going out of station on the weekend and we had already cancelled our first meeting the week prior because of the same reason which he was going out of station for, so we decided, he insisted that we meet on the Friday and yes even I wanted to meet him and get to know if I can consider him or not so I said yes. The problem for me was that it was a working day and I don’t really dress well for office (in fact it had got to point of bad also) and then I had to travel to Gurgaon office that day and had lot of work on my hands. Well, after it was decided on Friday, I spent Thursday night changing clothes and showing to sis as to what is looking how and what should I wear. After much of choices between shirt and jeans, flirty top and jeans and other things, I finally decided on a lemon yellow buddha print top with crystals on the back print and nice jeans (sis’). Sis said I looked slim and that is what I look out for.

As expected, office was super busy and i was also staying back an extra hour or so, so i told him to reach my office at a time that was little later than what we had decided, and since he was free and had nothing to do he was like ‘don’t make it so late’ and stuff. So he had to wait for another 15 min afer he reached my office, as I had to collect money from a friend and I was broke (ya.. ya)  and then went ot meet him. Now he was waiting outside my office building and I called him to ask where he was and he told me he was wearing a white shirt (liar) and then I saw no one with white shirt and spotted a guy in front of a zen car. I started walking towards him and it was him only. We did a brief handshake and a light hug (initiated by me) and then I told him we could move from her. I didn’t notice him much at that time. Then we started moving and deciding on where to go and he made a few silly jokes (his humor is around cliche’ stuff) and he decided on a place, which I was not at all sure of, but since I had nothing else to suggest so I agreed. It was a horrible place. It was a bowling alley and there were bunch of kids screaming around. We took a corner table (almost center) and talked. After sometime the kids were really getting onto my nerves and we wanted to leave. He suggested we go for dinner and I said I wasn’t much hungry, but since he hadn’t had dinner we decided on going. His choice of place was good this time. We went to ‘Mainland China’ and talked and stuff. he also made few jokes on my health, not calling me fat but yes you know the jokes types. Anyways I just smiled them away although I did feel little bad but then i knew it is the truth so I better take it in  good spirit.  (Reminder:  I’m not fat, just a little chubby, cute type :) ). So we took dinner and he asked me what I wanted and I helped him with what he wanted too and so we got taking again. I observed him keenly this time and he was ok. Not bad! I also found him little attractive (but now I’m doubting if I’m attracted to not-good-looking guys.. read ‘Meet with Freinds’ below). Then we moved out and hit the road, he was to drop me home, all the way home we were talking and he even complimented me on many things. When we were about to reach my home we got into a little romantic kind of mood and we were listening to this good song and since it had not ended till we reached home so we took another round around the colony. He finally dropped me home, again a casual hug (again initiated by me).

 

First Meet: Follow Up

After the first meet, we spoke and he called me really sweet and just as I sounded on the phone and then also just as he had expected me to be. He also told me that I made him feel really comfortable also. I didn’t say much.

 

Second Meet:

The second time we decided to meet for a movie. I was going out of station for the weekend and the movie was to be released then, so he didn’t go with this friends and waited for me, which I thought was so sweet, so I agreed to go with him. We again decided on a weekday, which I was not so agreeing on, but he was insisting and kind of in a dominant way, but somehow I gave in to it as it was not a big deal kinda stuff. So he picked me after office and had to wait for sometime and he was getting very restless and impatient. We met and went for movie, which was on me (birthday treat) and then we were just talking through the  movie and  then we got really late and had no time for dinner so he dropped me home. When we had reached near my place I called mom and she was not home so I told we could take a drive little ahead (I’m sounding a little directive/ahead na?) and then when were driving I started fiddling with his hair, like on the side and then also ran my nails on his neck, I was doing all this is in a very funny jesture and stuff so it didn’t seem sexy or seducing and I didn’t want that either, but I could see he found it good. Then after about 15 min of driving around he dropped me home.

Ohh.. almost forgot, near my home he had to relieve himself, so we stopped at a restaurant and I waited in the car, he went and took a little time, then he came out with 2 cones of ice-cream. I hated that!!! What the hell~ I mean..seriously! I refused to take it, so he started eating his cone and that was soooo weird…. I told him that also .. yet he was eating it… I wasn’t looking at him when he was eating.. lol!! so weird…

 

 

Need to get back to work now…. really! rest later…..

tc!

Friends n more…*Updated*

{ October 13, 2009 @ 3:32 am } · { Hobbies, Interesting, dating, dreams, family, feelings, friends, habits, interpret, life, love, music, personal, poems, random, reading, realtionships, secrets, sex, thoughts, writing }
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 I want to start this on a good note, so lemme keep what I originally had in mind for the last.

I love this time of the year, Diwali time! The change in weather, the slight chill that catches you unprepared with no warm clothes, the goosebumps (at least I have them), the slow breeze that secretly makes your cheeks and nose tip go cold but hides away when you look around and find its non-existence with no trace of even a leaf moving with it. There is so much to do, so much to look up to.

There’s something afresh about this time of the year.

Yes, the heat is gone, the coziness comes along. Warm mugs of coffee/milk, rubbing hands to make some heat  and a wonderful excuse for couples to hold hands. There’s a feeling that winters bring along.

 

It’s like the cold outside makes my heart even more warm.

 *********Saving incomplete post.. need to get back to work.. but i really wanna tell y’all this and write this piece of my heart******************** soon ok…

 

**************************Update***********************

This time, it makes me want to stop and be. Don’t plan or rationalize, just be there, feel it.

The dry skin and cold creams (pond’s earlier), the cold feet, the geyser (actually looked spell in online dictionary and it also means “a hot spring that intermittently sends up fountain like jets of water and steam into air”), they all are so something, don’t know the word but something.

I always associate winters with long walks, there’s something so good about walking around. I remember me and ol friend, during my last year of college and he had started working, we used to walk

This is totally girl stuff.

************2nd update*****************************************

I’m sure if the same feelings aer gonna be there as compared to when I started writing this, but nevertheless, for all you wonderful people let me try yet again…..

So, where was I? yes, long walks… Ooohh I just love them. I love the chiselled cheeks and ice cold nose tip (avoid watery nose please), my cold hand and feet, the way my hair cover my ears and save me some chill (dun know wat u guys do about that). It makes me wanna be warm.

I love the long late night chats, the warm vodka and rum(on your preference), there is something so contrasting and yet challenging. Its something like you are living in a condition and trying to beat it. Not like literally fight type, but yes, somehow you try to make the best out of it by trying to get away from it.

There’s this sense of bonding, some strong feel of every connection you have. Now, there might be a scientific reason for this too, like I say (only once i think ;) ) ’there’s a scientific reason for just about everything today’. But seriously, it makes our awareness more aware and feelings more feel.

Coming back to why I thought this was about ‘Friends’ because winters is when my friends ( a handful - that’s the thing I didn’t wanna mention in the beginning) come back to Delhi. Few of them are working out of station and when they come back it feels so good. Just the thought, just the idea. I love it!

‘Back home’, this is a beautiful phrase. It can mean so much na… later maybe.

Now see I have a fren ‘S’(if you need some background, you may find much in my Forgiveness blog) whom I haven’t been talking about much, coz there is nothing much to talk about, she’s a different person altogether and I’m trying to be a better person everyday (Don’t try this at home: very difficult and mind fucking) . We were the best of friends and now we are used to be friends. This time of the year reminds me of her too. She’s in town lately and I will meet her this week, but in a different way.

It’s funny how things shape up na? We were like these soul mates and now we’ve become not so much. But you know what, we know each other so well that I think if I want to make a confession and get any burden off I would still consider calling her and I hope she feels the same. We know each other and there’s nothing more. However, I’m glad that we are in touch anyways rather than nothing at all.

Then there’s this another friend ‘Nilu’ from college again. I haven’t ever mentioned him before, he’s the kind of friend you don’t call up everyday, but yes whenever you do you talk for hours and say everything without any fear of being judged or thought wrong about. We make confessions and share lot of stuff, but then its only once in a while and its so cool! He was recently in the city and we met up, initially we thought of calling a few more people but decided just the two of us hanging out. It was great! We talked a lot, him about his life and where he is and his relationship and his plans and me about much lighter stuff like New Guy (who btw sis met and called not-good-looking, so I’m doubting if I’m attracted to not-good-looking types) and what we want and wish for. He also said that we share the same level of thinking and no matter how many years pass away and even if he calls me in 10 years we will still be on the same page, with the same mindset and still understand what the other is saying and  feeling. Which is so true and I love him for realizing this and saying it loud too. Isn’t he a sweetheart! YES! YES!

Confession time: Now, I have always thought that Nilu was a very good dateable guy (obviously a few things apart). I mean I KNOW that him and me are not meant to be dating and I have never wanted that, but I love to hear him appreciate me. It feels good. It feels good to be coming from a guy whom I find quite decent and all. Which reminds me that he has actually made a few comments of such interest on me in the past and even the day we met he was like ‘I’m attracted to you now’, but it was all in good spirit. He’s a cute guy and I’m a pretty gal, there’s bound to be some attraction. And the great thing is that in spite of him saying something like that I enjoyed it, took it as a compliment and didn’t feel a bit of awkwardness and was still equally comfortable and friendly. He didn’t offend me at all. Same goes for him, when I told him that I’ve thought of him as the perfect dateable guy, he was happy. We weren’t making a pass at each other or trying to get something out of it, we were just being good open friends.

He left for USA yesterday and will be back in a month or so. Cheers to him and me!

 

Then there’s this friend of mine ‘A’. I know him since last 5 years and we met on my first temp BPO job that I took up during the 1st year vacations. He was still doing his graduation then and was quite an innocent guy(seemed to be). We have seen each other in being naive and learning and then focused and then working.  I have seem him start smoking for social reasons and he has seen me set up innocent adolescent dreams of marrying my first love. It’s like seeing each grow from one phase of life to another. But the thing is that we didn’t meet much or talk much. After my vacation was over I left the job, bought my first branded shoes from the salary (Adidas – with 2 pink stripes running across the sides from the laces to the heel on each side)and went back to college. We kept talking once in a while and he kept hitting on whenever he got a chance. He used to like me from the beginning only and I knew, but I didn’t like him like that at all and he knew that too. He changed work and started getting more focused and I busy struggling to keep my mind sane and finish with college and throughout we kept talking, like catching up with each others progress.

Now, he is working at a good organisation and me too.

I changed my no. and lost his number and then we met again after a year on the DND toll bridge. I was on my way back home in office cab, reading a book and he was also using the same way home. He saw me and started honking, I noticed and tried to ignore once(i think it was a fight we had the last time we spoke) and when he didn’t give up I was like what the hell, he’s an old chap man! So I got off the cab and he dropped me home. We have been in touch since then and met once on a travel back home cum booze in car party. Was fun as I wasn’t drinking then and then a couple of times when he dropped me to office as we share the same route.

We decided on meeting up again and taking the same plan driving home-cum party and the same morning I lost my 1 week new phone in the office loo (Curse you bloody thief.. may you loose all your phones.. may you be deprived of the telephone technology FOREVER!! ) Ahem.. Please excuse the abrupt behavior… Now back to sanity! So, I thought I won’t be able to meet him. Luckily I had his mail id and sent a note to all my frenz with my office number to contact. He called and we met up. Driving and drinking and chatting and him still chance maro -ing. lol! He has a girlfriend now for 3 years and is well settled. They plan to get engaged next year and all. But he has this thing for me, you know that thing that feels incomplete type, like ‘Just if yaar’  thing and I don’t mind it as long as he’s decent which he always is, but we did talk lot of crap the other day, like how if my marriage doesn’t be good I’ll call him first, but he also added he wished that never happens to me. It was fun, enjoying, being with him I always go back to those full of hopes and dreams days. I had a little too much and got off home at the right time coz after that my head was spinning man! literally! I was speaking to New Guy and that reminds me that the day before I met ‘A’ I shared my plans with New Guy and he literally behaved weird,  I mean he called me an ass for planning to meet some guy after such long time and drinking with him, I tell you this man is Conservative ( will make Good things and BAd things list later). I had a bloody heated argument with him on this and in the end he agreed that he was wrong, though I still know that he is a conservative head.

Anyhow, so much to completing this, now I’ve lost half my day of work hours, have work pending and need to go back home early today (Bhai Dhuj). But you know what, I love to do this, write and say and more…

Why don’t I just do only this.. ya maybe…..

N btw did i stick to the topic? No, well it’s a perfect blog then.. ;)

 

Also, love the updated spellcheck on wordpress.

Rays of Hope..

{ October 8, 2009 @ 12:55 pm } · { Hobbies, Interesting, art, books, dating, dreams, family, feelings, friends, habits, health, interpret, life, love, music, personal, random, reading, realtionships, secrets, sex, thoughts, work, writing }
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Every now and then we fall away from our dreams, we drift to ‘to-do’ lists and other important stuff. Exhaust life out of ourself hoping, just hoping we will ge where we want. Then what about today? Now? Where you stand? Doesn’t that count?  I didn’t wanna get to sadistic, but seems like I’m quite a natural at it. lol!!

 

Anyways, so I wanted to say was that sometimes the simplest of things give you hope to dream again. Some kind of unwavering faith that we carried in our childhood comes back, even if for a moment. It may be few words, an event, something , anything. It makes you believe!

I love that feeling. It brings me to a place where everything I want is waiting for me to want it and believe in it. No questions, no logic, it just is!

I recently went to watch ‘Wake Up Sid’ with New Guy and it brought me back to wanting what makes me happy. To write, to believe, to be different, to be me. I want to be a writer, someone creative, someone original. Me!! So self obsessed ?? Ya Ya …

Btw did you notice that I haven’t been updating anything about New Guy?? You see the non-existence of even an E of  excitement, I do!! More on this later … Maybe.

 

I can’t say why do I loose track of these hopes. But having said that I’m still hanging on, I mean I’m in the office right now, on an important conference call about the hectic work that will be coming up and what and how to go about it, but still, I’m completing this blog. You see!!

One more thing that gets me back to those lovely dreams of a fab life of being a writer(freelance if I may please), living in New York and also if you would just throw in a Fab Bod and great Fashion sense… Do I hear Sex in the City?? YES Please… :)

Hopes of an innocent person.. too much to ask for?? Nooo!

Okay, Now I’m certain you’re thinking I’m crazy, idiot and immature. But you know what? I think that’s what you should be, crazy enough to love your dreams and not care about being thought as crazy!!

Also, a good read makes me all energized and ready to carry my notepad/diary around all the time. I love to read! I love words and how they bring alive everything they touch, the messages they carry, the warmth they carry, how just within seconds of moving your eyes from left to end of the page you start feeling sensual or whatever, also how they make you want to snuggle up with be in love. They bring your emotions out to the open and play around.

Okay,  I really need to get back to work now.. lol!! I wish I could stay and say so much more…

Later.. later…

PS: I just started reading a blog and it was a guy writing poetry.. wow!! n good stuff!. I didn’t know such guys existed.. Did you?  ;)

 

 

 

 

Today is where your book begins, the rest is still unwritten

{ September 22, 2009 @ 4:14 am } · { Blogroll, Interesting, dating, dreams, family, feelings, friends, habits, interpret, life, love, music, personal, random, realtionships, secrets, thoughts, weddings, work }
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I love this track and have been listening to it over and over again since i downloaded it. I was watching ‘The Hills’ and noticed the soundtrack and traced it to get it. Did I mention I love soundtracks, from movies, series, cartoons.. They carry a certain feeling that you felt when you were listening to it in the background with all emotions that the movie/series had brought you into. Mostly I love the tracks that run in backdrop for of happy endings, lovers meeting and soft slow kisses scenes. So like girls huh! Well, ya! :)

Anyways, so my weekend was so much fun and relaxing. It was a good break I needed and the extended monday off gave me just that. Well if you ask me all the details then I don’t think I’m gonna pen everything but here are the highlights:

Friday   -    after office when to my Aunt’s place, it was my cousins birthday party and we had lot of fun. Later at night me and she got chit chatting till the wee hours and slept only when we couldn’t speak no more.

 

Saturday   -   Stayed at Aunt’s till afternoon and then came back home. Rested a while and chatted with New Guy and then left for office around 4:30pm. Left office at 8:30 pm and back home.

 

Sunday   -  Sunday woke up really late, close to afternoon and then went to GK with cousins and sis, bought cousin her b’day gift and then to the local flee market to pick something for myself for the DATE on monday with New Guy and bought something of sis’ choice but wasn’t comfortable it reflected who I am (not very sure of what that is either). She called it decent and flirty and I got nervous. Came back home and oiled my hair, put face bleach, tried the clothes and ate sis’ head over which shoes to wear. She said high heels but I was no-no and then later after much talk I tried them with the flirty top and they looked good. although I was nervous that I’ll look all gawky and weird walking in them which is funny coz I do wear heels on occasions (clubbing and marriages). Btw the CAPS coz i haven’t been on a date in like 4-5 years now. God! I know!

 

Monday   -   I got up late and started getting ready for the date. Washed my hair and to0k a long bath. Came out of shower and saw New Guys message that said ‘urgent! Call me’. I did call and got to know his friend’s mom had passed away and they were going to drop him at airport and all so it was but obvious cancelled date. I mean even if w could meet it would be the worst ever time right with thought of life and death hovering our mind space he wouldn’t even notice my flirty top. Anyways, I was feeling like I was giving this New Guy thing a lot more importance than actually I should, considering that I wasn’t even sure if I would like to date him after meeting him or just be friends and all the shopping made me feel bit weird and stupid. So I felt a little relived that it was cancelled. My nerves were too tensed to be casual and meet him. I relaxed the entire day and chilled at home. Even sis stayed back (lazy bum) even though it wasn’t her off.

 

Last night I spoke to New Guy for almost 2 hours and inspite of my resolution to hit the bed by 10pm, I was talking to him till 11:20pm. I did text him to call be before 10pm saying I had a super early day (true) and he called at 9:45 pm. He was feeling a little low and I got him talking and we chatted over stupid and silly stuff and some other stuff.

 

When I speak to him I loose track of time, really, we talk about so much and still there’s so much more to say. Now I’m not sure if this is happening because I’m speaking to someone totally new who knows  nothing about me, or because we bond well together. Well, see if I didn’t connect to him then I wouldn’t be able to talk much anyways right, but also I’ve been so stuck up with the same people for so long that talking so much feels new and exciting. I hope I’m not making much of this to my head and heart (well can’t help that, I’m charlotte remember? Imagination runs wild). So much so, I’m leaving things to when we meet and how I find him, coz do I have my head on my shoulders and know that it’s altogether a different thing to meet someone than talking on the phone.

 

Now, that’s another concern, see I like talking to him and everything but then just yesterday this thing came to my head that things will change after we meet. I don’t know for better or worse, but they certainly will. Now you might think that I’m an ass who hasn’t understood the way life works, it’s all about CHANGE. I know, but maybe this is my lowered confidence (mostly due to chubby body and no money to buy fancy clothes with perfect fit) but I’m a little worried/concerned/doubtful of how this nice equation I have with New Guy will change when I meet him. I’m so comfortable talking to him right now, but somehow these well settled people with their parents earnings and no burden of running the family and their won handsome salaries to spend on themselves, all this makes me feel like an outsider. I feel like I’ll be left behind if I walk with them and even worst will be making them feel ashamed to have me around. Maybe its only my insecurities talking. I hope. But then there’s nothing I can do to stop this change. 

We’ve planned on meeting on Friday and most probably I will be in my other office (in attempt to try avoiding giving the birthday treat to office people, coz I can’t afford spending 1-2 G on these useless people who don’t even know me at all and neither do I want them to. So maybe i’ll meet him after work as his office is also close by and that made me nervous and panick again coz then I’d have to dress for office and meeting New Guy at the same time. Now that’s not good, as it is I have less decent stuff and also the new flirty top won’t be useable as that is a complete office no -no. Let’s see how it goes.

I’m thinking much about this all right? Yeah! but then I think much about anything.. so .. it’s not much right?

Trying to keep up with everything and myself… you stay around too and I’ll tell ya everything… meanwhile this is just the beginning and the rest is still unwritten. Perfect match for my situation!   :)

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