Archive for jazz

Looking back at the year start

{ December 3, 2009 @ 1:31 pm } · { Blogroll, Hobbies, Interesting, books, dating, dreams, family, feelings, friends, habits, health, interpret, jazz, life, love, music, personal, random, reading, realtionships, secrets, tattoo, thoughts, work, writing }
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so here’s the resolution listed that I has posted early this year. lets see what all I got done.

1. Personal – learn something new, music/dance/sport - YES.. jazz, now guitar…

2. Social Work – start voluntary work for NGO - none.. a little try at the begining.. but then nothing

3. Social Work – fund an orphan’s eduction - nopes :(

4. Career – get 30% hike in salary – Can’t say yet. got the feedback tomorow. I’m hoping this will be done. :)

5. Personal – take care of health – did for the first half of the year, lost weight and when i came so close to being called slim, i gave it up.. jerk. and now I’m back to me..so NO i think

6. Family – manage funds well  - NO.. nothing near it

7. Personal – Improve habits, be more warm and less bitter - maybe a little..not much.

8. Personal – learn to be more diplomatic i.e learn to keep my opinions to myself and be less judgemental. – yes-no.. okay,.

9. Career – Get appreciated for the good work – YES YES.. this is definitely true for the past couple of months…

Aww.. this dosen’t seem good na. I’ve only done the selfish stuff.

 

Another list, this is more like Things to do before I’m 25

1. Travel alone (another state or country) - NO

2. Get a tattoo – NO, I’m planning before New year or maybe after d heavy checque..lol

3. Start something new( music/dance/art) – YES

4. Go trekking – No, but went Rafting..counts ? YES

5. Complete a book – started, not completed and am not doing anythin so NO

6. Sponcer an orphan child’s education - NO :(

7. Start voluntary work for NGo/Street children – NO

8. Adapt a healthy lifestyle for good – NO

9. Organise family affairs – NO

10. be more Accepting – little. NO

11. Forgive people and forget unwanted baggage – NO. YES. Dun knw

12. Love myself more – NOt really.

13. Be more warm person – No. Not enough to say YES

14. keep the learning ‘new stuff’ going on. – YES, else I would get crazy

 

Lot of NO’s here too… :(

Wait for life to happen r run after it?

{ November 8, 2009 @ 11:39 am } · { Blogroll, Hobbies, Interesting, dreams, feelings, habits, interpret, jazz, life, love, music, personal, random, secrets, thoughts, work, writing }
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Before I start lemme mention, my left had finger tips are swollen as if bee strung and little red.. any guesses? Yes, the guitar fever iso n again.. :) but this time i’m gonna learn it completely, at least enough to support the statement ‘ I know how to play a guitar’. lol!

 

Coming to what I’ve thought about a lot of times and felt too. Do you sit and wait for life you want to happen or run after it?

 

I feel like I’ve done a little of both. I’ve been doing this job and spending what probably might be the best years of my life, complaining and feeling not so good and then I’ve also tried to run after it by doing these things like the dance classes, swimming classes, something or the other to keep me busy and feel like I’m living a life. I know pursuing a hobby dosen’t seem lame, but when you go for it only to make yourself feel less of a loser and full of life, then I think you’re at a very wrong place altogether. The irony of all of this is that I don’t know where else I want to be if not here or how to get there… OMG! I’m such a loser!!!

 

How do you know what you want and if you do then how do get to it??

I know I’ve said this many times, but still no answers…

Emotions and Bonds *edited title*

{ October 28, 2009 @ 5:47 am } · { Blogroll, Hobbies, Interesting, art, books, dreams, family, feelings, friends, habits, interpret, jazz, life, love, music, personal, random, reading, realtionships, secrets, thoughts, work, writing }
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There are so many meanings to this word ‘bonding’, but what comes first to your mind?

For me, my thoughts run to emotional bonds, bonds of love, bonds of friendship, bongs of adoring, bonds of caring.

Emotions always intrigue me to think more, observe more, see through what appears and what lies beneath, know why you feel a particular way and why not? There’s so much to it and I want to see it, know it. I think that’s why I’m so fond of emotional movies too, like Love Aaj Kal, When Harry met Sally, Jerry Maguire, Wake up Sid, Forest Gump(absolute Fave, I’ll watch it a million times, I think I already know most of the dialogues), Big Fish, Never been Kissed, Made of Honor (Love this, actually love Tom too;) ),P.S. I Love You(awww I cried twice in the first I watch).. and the list can go on. 

Keeping to the original thoughts ‘Emotions and Bonding’. I love to bond, I love the feeling, like you connect, literally like you can sense the existing of this thread that connects you and another person. It feels like you know this something exists and only you can feel this and share this thread/bond, its unique, its only for you too, irreplaceable, absolutely ir-reproduceable. It’s a great feeling!

It might seem that I’m making too much out of a small and very common part of human nature and existence, but,  if you actually stop and think about it, you’ll know that every bonding you share with every person on this earth is so unique. It’s like its your own exclusive antique collection, nowhere else to be found on the earth. Thrilling na! 

I share different kinds of bonding with so many people and this is when I’m not a very social person, so I’m so sure you’all would also have many such bondings…do share…

Friendship Bonding -  Here also there are many types..

I have friends I share a total masti type bonding, we connect on how to have fun and what you find fun. It’s cool! As soon as I say ‘I really enjoy sitting at Nescafe till late nights and sipping coffee’ and the other person says ‘me too’, click, there’s a bonding. Then I have a few friends who might not know much about my personal life and vice-versa, and also we don’t feel there is anything missing if we don’t share it, coz what we’re bonding over is FUN!

There are friends I can talk to for hours without even having to stop for a second to collect what to talk about next. I love this bonding too, the Talk-Talk type, hey! that’s a nice one, I’ll call this ‘Talk-Talk bonding’. It feels so good to be able to say everything in your mind, in fact I think I share this bonding with my blog as well. :) I love this blog space!! I’m a working software engineer adult! Believe me!/? lol!

Another very unique bonding in friendship is that comes from books & reading. I love this one too. Now I may not know much fancy authors and I usually stick to popular fiction stuff until this last time I went to Connaught Place and picked up random books whose summary seemed interesting from a second-hand books shop (if anyone want to know, it’s the Book corner next to Plaza) and it made me feel all like ‘great reading taste and stuff type’ and the books were all good too (see my novels I’ve read links on right hand). I love to talk about the writing skills and how you interpret these words and how the other person feels about it, and the great thing about this bonding is that it exists even if the ideas you have are totally different, like opposites. It actually excites me to know that a person could find a piece so contrasting to how I felt and interpreted it. I find this different mind and thoughts type stuff quite interesting. I should have so gone into psychology. ‘The bloody list of  Should’s ’ again. Hey next post on this, or maybe a book? You’ll read na..?

And another unique bonding I can think of is the ‘Altering bonding’, this happens that you may connect every time on a different thing, not like every time, but like frequently. And I think this one leads to one of the best friendships you have. I love friendships. I love to care, be cared for, to share, to confess, to console… awww… I’m all aww type now, *back to normal please, I’m in office remember!*

Also, yes I missed the ‘Confess All bonding’, there are some people you feel you can say anything to and they will not judge you for it. I confess to sis and I love her for not judging me, although her love for baby sis does surface and she advices me a little later, but never judges me. Another friend ‘S’ I used to confess to, but now things have gone sour, she was in Delhi and I called her to meet up, then she got busy and left without even talking and then I saw he status on Facebook reading that ‘if we just accept people the way they are no one would end up loosing friends’ and I knew that was for me. She doesn’t consider me her ‘confess all friend’ anymore, or even just a friend. It makes me sad. Really! I lost one very unique bond from my collection and with a  lot of pain in my heart!  But I don’t think about it much as it has been like this for a while now.

Other Bonding -  Now I didn’t want ot put there something like ‘Love Bonding’ or something, coz I feel the source of all the above and next to come bonding is Love is some way or the other.

There’s also this ‘Adoring Bonding’ that might not totally be two-sided by I’d still call it a bonding and add it to my collection please. Sometimes, you find some people so adoring, like you can just sit and watch them/listen to them/observe them. You might adore them for their beauty, intelligence, art, talent, easiness, style, arrogance. It’s so great. I observe strangers sometimes, behaving, reacting, being themselves as in their routine ways. I like to admire the everyday routine-ness of it all, the casual natural and everyday general reactions and behavior. I also adore a few more people, for the way they are or secretly for the way I wish I could be. I love to adore…love.. This bonding make you feel so warm and human (god know why I need to feel this all the time.. wat re-assurance do I want? that I’m not a dog? .. lol! On a serious note, I think I just love to feel that I have a heart. Whatever sense that makes!)

Then there is this ‘Protective Bonding’, like you just can’t help but feel so protective of the other person.. oh, this reminds me of Edward Cullen “I feel very protective of you”, do you guys notice the way his lips move up from the corners showing his fang teeth. Ooohhh… I love this decent vampire.. lol! Anyways, so yes, about feeling concern for a person, like you  know they deserve all the good and you want to make sure they get it. It may be your sibling, friend, someone else. It’s all about the concern. I have this bond for my baby bro. :)

One more interesting one I remember, I’ll call it the ‘You as Me Bonding’. You know sometimes when we feel every joy and grief of another person as it is our own. Like anything good happens to them and you start jumping like it was happening to you. Like I told you’all about this friend of mine ‘Nilu’. See me and him, we are so close, like we don’t know each other’s family troubles or other deep feelings, we do share stuff on life, aspirations, feelings, thoughts but all in general, sometimes each other’s relationship stuff also, but when he told me he’s going to New York, I was so happy. I could feel the happiness and I knew when its my turn then also I would feel something very similar. I also adore him  lot. These bonding are the type that make you feel that even if you meet the person after 10 years or talk after ages (like me and him, we have gaps of months) even then everything will be the same, nothing changes between you two. You both might change to become different people in your own lives, but when you’re together, sharing that bonding space, then everything remains as it was 10 years ago. I fee in this bonding there is also a  very strong sense of understanding and being on the same level of thinking. Yay! I have someone like that! You should too…its lovely!

I think I’ve exhausted this page.. :)

Just one more bonding space I can think of right now, ‘Interests bonding’, when you bond over interests. I know I mentioned books above, so maybe that can go over to other interest too… any hobbies you have. Mine are sketching, reading, music, dancing, travelling, writing,.. and so many.

What the hell am I doing stuck in this cubicle and popping my eyes out for hours in front of this computer??? I Should be an artistic person, I am an artistic person…

Fuck type stuff happens… I guess just being practical and getting the bills paid.. lol!

And Last but not the least, to end on a good note, I love the bonding I share with everyone who reads my blogs and has a word or two to say to me! I love it when you guys comment. It makes me feel so worthy that you take the time to say something to me! really? I mean this is a fast time and money is time, so when you stop and share, I’m honored. Also, it makes me believe a little more in myself, you know writer and all. :)

Keep the comments coming darlings!!

They say”You’re a dreamer”. True!

{ October 23, 2009 @ 6:49 am } · { Blogroll, Hobbies, Interesting, art, dating, dreams, family, feelings, habits, health, interpret, jazz, life, love, personal, random, realtionships, secrets, thoughts, work, writing }
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There’s a part of me that wants to be so much more. Much more than what I am, most of these are not really possible or lets say not practical as they’re not my ‘aim in life’, yet I keep these crazy aspirations bring thrill and excitement to me.

 

“You’re a dreamer… and when there is so much to dream and plan, who has the plan to actually go out there and do it”, I read that somewhere about Librans. Now I know that doesn’t give a very mature picture of me, but I know it’s actually true.. many times..

 

The many things that I have on my crazy list and in my (so exciting) dreams:

 

1. Be an actress - Now see I like acting and have been in theatre throughout school, but nothing after that. I also feel that I will be good if I try it. I think I should take this up sometime, maybe some theatre or something. Let’s see!

2. Learn the piano - Much achievable and not so crazy. But then I can’t seem to push myself to it. It would cost a lot and my finances are not for selfish pursuits right now. I’m not letting this get off the list anytime.

3. Have the body of a bikini babe – okay – almost! - Again, this has been on my list for sometime and I know I can do this, but if you’ve been reading you know I get super excited, get o the gym, take healthy diet, loose weight, reach almost near to being called slim and then loose interest. Started(trying) Yoga in mornings since this week, which reminds me it was chilly today morning (for me that’s 5:30am), so don’t know how this will go. But really, I want a good body and I know I have the determination to get it, but it’s just that I’ve tried and fallen off track a couple of times and all so. Let’s try again then, shall we?

4. Want to be part of a rock band - I could,  if I only knew some instrument or great vocal chords. Alas! You can only be gifted with few talents, and that too I haven’t explored yet :) Bur seriously! to imagine myself in a rock type person, all cool-headed and all you care about is how good that beat is, wow! I really appreciate people who are driven by passion, like crazy single-headed life-consuming passion!  I’m such a wanna-be na? I know.

5. Learn French language - Again doable and same reason as piano.  Although I did learn it for 2 months after my 12th exams and I still hae it kept at home, but then.. hmm… excuses?? maybe… or just there are other important things that require attention and green. Did I hear self-pity?? Nooo! Please!! (I’m saying it so probably it already exists in my mind.. fucking mind..)

6. Be a Travel show host -  I’m a eggetarian, so no non-vergetarian. Somehow I feel that is one very good reason this is on the dream list. Also, I don’t know if I would be up for this stuff. I feel I can, but I don’t know.  Time is so less, where do I start? lol!

7. Be a love and hope exuberant  person - Not like try hard and all, but you know some people are naturally like that. So giving, warm. They meet you for the first time and hug you, and you feel like you’ve always hugged them like this, for years. I want that nature, that personality! So comfortable, positive, zero awkward, always smiling, nothing bad ever brings them down. Ever! I try sometimes to bring lightness and goodness around me, but that’s not naturally there. Naturally there’s doubt, awkwardness, conscious, guarded, feeling vulnerable and other stuff. Yet I try, so cheers ya!

  

8.  Social Service - I know, I’m so contradicting everything i wrote above, but yes its true. I want to be working selflessly, being of use, making something out of this life. I want to make a change in all the things that I feel pity or helpless about. I know, big talk and no work right? But I did try once to get into voluntary street children education, but then they needed at least 8 hours a week, which was not practical, so I politely backed out. I find it better and more moral to not start something I feel I will not complete rather than start with doubts and leave in between.

Anyway, so once I was also joking to friends that I’m going to do social service and there I’ll meet a guy who is all I want. So they were like you’ll marry a guy who does only social work, so broke/minimal green type? I said, “No, I’ll find out later that he’s the heir of a royal family and is more than a billionaire, and yet he’ll be so grounded and giving. And yes, he’ll pick me and i’ll pick him too.” :)  Lol!

  

 

Enough gossip for the day or now!

As you’ve heard(read)me saying(writing) before, need to get back to work. :)

 

TC!

 

Hey … just thought of couple more stuff, but they’re all so do-able and or on my New Year resolution list, still would like to mention:

 

Non- crazy list:

- be a successful writer/author

- learn a dance form till the highest level

- get a permanent tattoo (this year.. for sure)

 

gotta go now!!!

BYE!!!!

Just Life…

{ August 25, 2009 @ 2:49 am } · { Hobbies, Interesting, dreams, family, feelings, habits, jazz, life, personal, random, thoughts }
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God!  I amposting this (anything) after a long time! Hmmm. .  I was busy, busy enough to not have time to say how I feel and be relieved. I have been busy with work , but lets not talk about the bad things ya.

I have no idea where to I’m headed in life. I’m doing a job that serves my family needs but brings no passion to my life. I do other things to make myself happy (dance , swimming) and then I come back to this job.

I’ve become very lazy and boring type too. On my weekends mostly I stay at home. a) to save money b) to get much sleep which now feels like luxury c) don’t feel like moving around much

I’ve read the secret and other positive thinking books and they all say, your life is what you expect and what you focus on. Can someone tell me how the hell will I focus on something that is not around me? How can I start to imagine and feel like a millionairre when I can’t go and buy 2 pair of jeans.

Something is going on and I am just following in like a blind person. I know this isn’t where I want to be but I’m not sure that I know where I want to be.

I usually wish that I could become a kid again. I’m scared of responsibility and all. I don’t want that. How can you ask me to take care of others when I myself feel the need to be taken care of. I know its just something that you feel before you actually do it, but I really don’t believe that I am mature enough for this. Take decisions, make plans, maybe its all just part of facing my fears, but I turn around and walk away.

I’m talking mostly crap stuff, but can’t help it. I wish it all to be different. I wish.  Sorry to get you’al so bored on this stuff but I got nothing much great to talk about.

In the waters..

{ May 6, 2009 @ 3:33 am } · { Hobbies, Interesting, dreams, family, feelings, friends, habits, health, jazz, life, love, personal, random, realtionships, secrets, tattoo, thoughts, writing }
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I went for my second class at swimming yesterday and it was again fun. We learnt floating, which is not a big deal I know but its fun! :) one of my friends has been trying to learn how to swim for the past 4 years now, please not TRYING, and all she does everytime is learn floating and come back.

Anyways, so since I’m gonna be frequent and stuff so I’m guessing a  month will be enough to learn the basic swimming. Me and mom go together and yesterday on our way back she said  ’I never thought I would learn swimming, I always wanted to, but never thought I would actually do it’. I felt so good, I finally gave her some near to impossible dream come true. It really felt good. She does embarrass me by going crazy in the pool and trying to learn everything in one day, but then who are others to me, its she and her happiness that matters, so I’ll take the embarrassment.

Apart from that, we have an off tomorrow and Saturday as working instead. Voting time! I am ashamed to confess that I am 23 years old and have never voted. Never! Not that I had the chance and didn’t and sat back home watching TV, but I never got a voter Id made. I altleast have a few reason in my defence, firstly when I turned 18 I went to live in college hostel and came home only once a month. Second, we moved around in this period and were so troubled with trying to get money for every month . Before I forget a gratitude prayer:

THANK YOU GOD FOR HELPING US THROUGH THOSE DIFFICULT TIMES AND THANK YOU FOR MAKING US GROW FROM THERE AND BECOME INDEPENDENT NOW.

So when you have no idea of where your next months home rent is coming from you really can’t care about anything else but yourself and family. Then after I had got a job and we started moving towards getting to normal citizens life, my sis left her job, so we came back to worrying about every month expenses. And now that me and she(sis) have been getting regular paychecks (THANK YOU GOD!) we are settling things more. I did want to vote. I did. But I know this isn’t an excuse. I will get my voter id done before next government change happens. For sure.

What else?? There’s been major thinking these days. About you ask?? Well lets see:

1. That thing that I’ve said I had started working on and that i wouldn’t tell y’all until it was complete. I’m running short of ideas.

2. Why am I such a restless soul?  I want everything this moment, tattoo, car, house, bboyfriend. Yes boyfriend, it would be good to have some love apart from the one that my family gives me when I enact a dog and get my ears scratched by them.

3. Seriously thinking if meditation is the way for me. Not like become a saint, just practicing meditation, chanting, whatever. You get it, right?

4. Practising ‘visualization of what you want’ and what works for me and makes me believe what I’m thinking is true. Which reminds me that sis got me some shorty shorts as I had asked for (ya, designers get the best perks for a girl. clothes!) and they are just lying somewhere in my cupboard. I should so place them in the front and look at them everyday. Like I’ll just wear and go out of home. In car ofcourse! ooh this is getting two of my ’I-want’ things together. Must try from today.

5. Finally I am going to start some work out from today (apart from swimming). I know I have said this so many times that  even I’m rolling my eyes at myself. But this time different approach. Visualize that I am what I want to become.  I’m thinking of jogging 15-20 min  i.e after stretching 5 min followed by some crunches and spinning 15 min, this really makes me sweat, secret : my machine is very old and very stiff, you need so much energy and strength to last more than 5 min. And yes also need to practice those piroits (wrong spelling please excuse) and splits. I need to get them perfect before I rejoin.

What say, sounds like a good plan?

Life this week

{ May 1, 2009 @ 4:17 am } · { Hobbies, Interesting, books, dreams, feelings, habits, health, jazz, life, personal, random, reading, thoughts, work }
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Life has been good this week. Over the last weekend I thought of some ideas and implemented them and they turned out great, then I got too happy I think and that’s why there was a little problem, and the more I thought about the problem I started sliding into self-doubt and tried hard to pull myself back on confidence. After the trying it all became fine again and here I am talking about it and if you’re not getting a word of what I’m trying to say, let me explain.

The last weekend after reading about the right career and such stuff, I settled upon the idea that I have no clue as to what I actually wanted to take as career, I wanted to write but then I also know that writing alone cannot make you carry the family responsibility for a long time and knowing even if little about me, you’d know that I cannot afford to start from scratch now. Then I thought about what I have with me and why was I ignoring it. I have a decent paying job, free food, travel facility and relatively easy work. I clearly excel my expectations levels with not much effort and that’s how it is. It might not be what I’m passionate about but it is not bad either. Finally I decided to move my current career from ‘tolerant’ to ‘Easily Doable’ category. I decided that I will not carry any burden of how ‘I have to do this’, but will think of ‘how easily I can do this and get all the advantages it has’. And that worked.

I cane into work with a different perspective, and even though right now writing this seems more interesting and fun to me I will get back to the work pending on my desk without any hard and bitter feelings. That’s how I changed the way I looked at it and you know what happened, the next day I got nominated for an Excellent Performer type award. Its not a big deal, but then it meant something to me. I did get nominated once earlier too, as my senior had told me, but I don’t think she did nominate me, coz I didn’t see the nomination mail for & also nothing came of it, anyhow this time I she did bcc me the mail and I was happy.  I am good at what I do and can so easily perform well, so why not make use of it and in the mean time I also get time to do other stuff.

Then I had to take the laptop home to test some connectivity before hand and then I didn’t know that it needs to have some files moved in office before you use it from home, so I took it home, couldn’t connect and then everyone telling me you should have asked before taking it home. Okay I understand I should have asked, but how did others handing it to me assume that I knew it. I got little worried about if was too happy and this had to happen and then kept thinking in the night about how I face the situation and decided on not slugging but being upfront about it and saying that ‘Yes, I did not know how to set it up and on my part I did mistake on not asking, so lets see what we can do now’. Next day, that’s what I did and it worked fine, I got some doubtful looks and questions and I answered them correctly, nobody told me it about the process and said it was a must and I didn’t know so the question didn’t come to my mind. I felt so relieved. Also, I learnt a small thing about how to accept when you’re on mistake and not feel like a looser. We’re human remember and humans make mistakes, everyone of them, manager, CEO everyone.. But I’m hoping this doesn’t impact on my award nomination.

Now all has worked out find. My senior also took the laptop home to try for herself,but she couldn’t get it working either. See, we need to learn to start.

Yesterday, me being part of the event organising people had arrange some games and fun stuff for work people. It was all good and I landed up calling out “One Nine, eighteen” . Everyone laughed, little embarrassing but I need to get easy on being made fun of too. Human again!

I also finished this book ‘A hungry tide’ I had been hanging onto for a long time and now started another. I just can’t see myself leaving something half way, I feel guilty about it and pick it up again to finish it. I know, I know, I need to ease up on myself right. Just that these notions in my head make me feel unworthy and guilty if I do something like that. anyways finally its over.

Today’s Friday and I’m happy that it is. Its been a week of deciding, implementing, faltering, accepting your fault, being laughed at , accepting being laughed at and now some work too. Long week huh!

So another update is that jazz dance is held off for another 2 months, (stop rolling your eyes and calling me ‘Lazy’) I’ve signed up to learn swimming for these two months and I’ll be going for 3 days a week, so 3 days swimming and 2 days dance would’ve been too much for me. I was ok with the 5 days occupied plan, but then I saw myself worrying over ‘will I be able to cope up’ and decided that these were supposed to be hobbies and fun and not stressing out stuff. So it’s one hobby at a time, and then I also have myself signed up for dance after these 2 months so no worrying, its not going to run away.

I start swimming lessons from tomorrow, still haven’t got the swim suit yet. Reebok and Adidas, here I come. I’m a little nervous and little excited. :)

Any tips for beginners? the swimsuit?  Do’s and Don’ts? Tell me, tell me. 

And all who’re thinking of advising ‘Do Not Drown’,  I have that in my mind already. :)

PS: Too many smiles on this post right? :) see again, Its how I’m feeling!

                                                                                 ***End***

Uplifted spirits on an early Monday morning. :)

{ April 27, 2009 @ 3:51 am } · { Blogroll, Hobbies, Interesting, dreams, family, feelings, friends, habits, interpret, jazz, life, love, personal, random, realtionships, secrets, thoughts }
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Today morning I’m unusually upbeat and charged up. There’s a smile on my face and something so fresh about me. I feel pretty good today and that too amid the strange circumstances that include  

a)today being an early Monday morning,

b)I only got a 5 1/2 hours sleep

 c)which by-the-way was not sound and had images on the reality shows I was watching last night going on and

d)then the prolonged PMS discomfort that was continuing since Sunday evening and making me think over and over again if I should go for the dance class today at all, or should go and not do the exercise and just the routine and pass or should go and do the splits as well.

Btw isn’t PMS supposed to get you all cranky and emotional?

I will try not to take this away from myself but somehow I seem to be at ease and relieved. But some reasons are coming to my mind.

I told y’all about this magazine where I read how blogging could help find the right career for you and then how I was analyzing where I belong (trying at least) and that also had many pages on keeping you away from lay-off in recession times and how to be irreplaceable at your job, and I did read them too and seeing that I had nothing special to do this weekend and I had ignored the weekend chores without any guilt, these thoughts had been swinging in my head. I read the pages again and I realized that discontentment is not what will get me what I want. So I decided (ya ya, roll your eyes and think I’m a silly teenager making hasty decisions, but  I’m so bloody impulsive and mostly that works in a good way) that I’m not gonna do anything half heatedly. I’m going to do what I am and give it my best until the next best thing happens. Why should I feel so exploited when I can feel valued and I’m not exaggerating but I know I’m the best of the lot at work, at least amongst all the people(okay 3 people) reporting to my immediate senior and just last Friday i indirectly got feedback on how good I am at work and how she has only nice things to say about me (I still do not trust her). So yes, why be in misery when only by making a change of perspective I could feel so wanted and important. However in my heart I know that the joy I get from writing a page does not match my entire day at work, but then isn’t being good at something even when you don’t like it so much and t serves a purpose for your family, a positive thing? Do you see the high spirits reflecting the positive vibes. I do! So I’m not carrying the burden of being at the wrong place anymore and instead I will do my best at the task in hand and get credit for it, however I’m not in for spending extra hours here. ;)

Also on a personal front, I was watching ‘Jab We Met’ (people who’re unaware, its a Bollywood movie, watch it if you haven’t. Its a beautiful story! and I totally love the last kissing scene!…oohhh.) and Geet’s character has got me thinking of how she loves herself and takes ownership of her life. I want to bring that quality into myself ‘giving yourself unconditional love and believing you are the best’. I’ve always looked to others to find acceptance, not that I would be on their mercy upfront, but in my heart I’ve always wanted to be the love- by-all one. I have bounded myself to ‘Should and Shouldn’t’ of behavior and being and somewhere I do know that the reason holds a doubt that if I was myself and not following these unsaid codes then will I be accepted. I do have a good and bad inside me, just like everyone else does. So why am I scared to live it openly. I’m going to love myself and be myself, so what if I’m too outspoken and like to talk about the most unusual stuff even if people get awkward, so what if I am bold enough to approach a guy and ask for his number, what if I hang on to crushes and visit their profile again and again. This is me. I love myself. I LOVE MYSELF. There’s always room for improvement but to be in the hiding is not me anymore. I will be myself and love myself and if anyone wants to accept me fine, if not, fine again. I really need to and will ease up, just relax and be myself. Also, I will try not to hurt people and be polite even when I’m angry. I will try.

As for now I’m all smile and happy. Life’s good !

PS: Does this sound like a PMSing post?? :)

And did anyone notice I did blog from home this weekend. Anything I admit to and the very opposite happens next. (more on this next post).

The first move; guy or gal?

{ April 25, 2009 @ 8:53 pm } · { Interesting, feelings, habits, interpret, jazz, life, love, personal, random, realtionships, secrets, sex, thoughts }
{ } · { Leave a Comment }

As far as I remember, I have always been the open and speaking your mind person in all my relationships. Also I’ve been the one to take the first step, talk openly, say that I like you, always making the first move. But coming to think of it, I’m doubting if that seems a bit too odd. Do guys like to be the empowered and taking first step ones? I’m fine with being bold and saying what’s on my mind but I’m wondering if that’s ok?

I personally feel that as long as the message gets across there’s no difference if the guy or girl made the move. Of course I wouldn’t say throwing yourself at someone is okay, but I’m just talking of asking someone out, saying you’re cute or asking for their number. I would go with a guy who can handle that his girl is as smart and upfront as he is or even better.  I don’t think it’s a bad thing at all. They should be proud of being with someone who has a free mind and courage to speak it out. And most of the times when a guy approaches you he’s looking for fun but mostly girls only take a step when they are being genuine. Exceptions are always there, but we’re talking generally. And I say, even if we want only fun then who the hell tells us its wrong and when guys do the same its all okay.

Can’t boys handle the fact that someone is interested in them? Do they get scared of our confidence ? Is being bold and upfront scary? Do we have to suppress our freedom to express to serve their male ego? 

 

If you’re wondering where all this came from then:

I was just on line on facebook and my dance instructor there, I chatted with him for a while, I told him that I used to have a crush on him and he replied ‘Ok’. What’s  Ok??? Did he get scared? He didn’t seem to respond much than yes and no after that and I said bye and logged off. I don’t know if I did the right thing, well he’s moved so another city and left my dance academy so I won’t have to face any embarrassing moment, but I really wished he could have been little more expressive there. Even if you’re not interested, if someones using the word *crush* for you, people please be polite there may be some soft feelings attached there. I didn’t expect him to say ‘me too’ or thank me but if you know you’re handsome and cool then be polite if people like you. He was always so humble in classes. Dun know why he didn’t respond well said he was busy. 

Here’s the chat I had with him (some edits done only for being anonymous)

1:16amN

hi D

u thr?

1:18amD

hi

1:19amN

How u doin?

1:20amD

m doin gud

1:21amN

u still in M——?

1:21amD

ya

1:21amN

k

1:21am      

D was tagged in a photo.

 

 

 

 

 

 

1:21amN

so howz d new dance place?? havin fun?

1:22amD

ya

1:23amN

nice pic btw..

u look diff though

1:23amD

thnx

yaa!

1:23amN

so u neva comin back to D—–?

1:24amD

i mite

1:25amN

u do noe me right?

lol!

1:25amD

ya i thnk

1:26amN

:)

every1 in class missz u

1:26amD

ya .. im miss u guyz too

1:27amN

really!!

1:27amD

ya alot

1:27amN

hey can i tel u a secret…

its not a big deal though..

jus sumthn silly!

1:28amD

ya teme

1:28amN

u gota proise no making fun

promise*

1:29amD

ya

1:29amN

i kina had a crush on u for a litl while

1:29amD

ok …

1:29amN

lol!! even writing *crush* sounds schoolish

1:31amN

so u like M—–?

1:32amD

y aits fun

1:32amN

whr u stayn?

1:33amD

b——

1:33amN

signed ny movies yet??

;)

1:34amD

no yaar jus 1 ad n couple of photo shoots

1:34amN

ooohhh.. wch ad?

its a good start..

1:35amD

its new drink lauchin called t——

by t——–

1:36amN

wil watch 4 it!

sound nice!

1:38amN

btw u belong to D—- right?

1:38amD

ya

1:43amN

i always wanted to ask u how did u decide on taking dance professionally?

i mean its a diff decision right?

1:47amN

u seem busy

1:47amD

lil busy m sry

1:48amN

is dis bad tme 2 chat 4 u

1:48amD

m wrkin rite nw on sumthin ..m really sry vl chat latr

1:48amN

np!ctch up later sumtym….

gdnite! tc

1:51amN

c ya in D then!!

————————————————

I’ll send him a light message after few days.

Does it sound desperate? Should I send it or not?

————————————————————————

Hey there,

Was good talking to you the other day after long time. Hope I didn’t scare you with d crush thingy. Dun worry nothing like that now. Lets catch up when you’re in town. If you want that is.

Cheers!

——————————————————————-

Blogging and stuff

{ April 23, 2009 @ 5:10 am } · { Hobbies, Interesting, dreams, family, feelings, habits, health, interpret, jazz, life, personal, random, secrets, sex, thoughts, work, writing }
{ } · { Comments (5) }

Lately I haven’t been typing in much and I’m beginning to get the feel that that’s why I’m so worked up. The millions and zillions of thoughts crossing my mind everyday haven’t got an outlet, a way to be out in the open and this is because a) I don’t talk much at home, not about work at least and work is where most of the thinking isdone, intentionally or otherwise & b) I haven’t been blogging.

I recently read two very good reasons to blog in a magazine:

1. Blogging works as Anger Management and this doesn’t mean you are a ‘raising gun-points on people’ type angry person, anger means anything that bother you and makes you feel like bursting, could be a cheating lover, unmanageable kids or even sometimes unfair life in general. So there write whatever is bothering you and feel relaxed. It works to some extent. Proof,  as I am writing this I can feel the creases on my forehead relaxing down.

2. Blogging and help you find your right career. And everyone who’s I’m so in the need to find mine. How? Well, its simple that whenever you’re reading blogs just make a mental note of the Tags/Categories you visit most. For example, if you read mostly about Food and recipe’s then something Kitchen/restaurant related would be your interest; if you’re mostly stuck on stories then some writing/fiction could be your thing. Now please don’t ask me what if the your mostly visited tags are ‘Sex’? Here’s an idea, maybe you could become a sex consultant i.e if such a thing exists. :)

So its simple as it sounds, your interest are what you will be drawn towards and all you have to do is acknowledge this interest and find ways to use it productively.

If I put myself in this situation, then I usually like to read the ‘personal’, ‘random’, ‘Life’, ‘thoughts’ and sometimes ‘writing’ tags (not listed in any preference order). I mostly like to read the open bare truths and confessions tye of stuff. So what do you think is my interest??? Random thoughts?? Its not so simple after all huh?

Anyways, getting back to ‘my state of mind’, its not in the best place right now and all the positiveness is being held by just on hook tip (weird sentence right?). If you didn’t get me then, what I meant was I’m trying to hold onto every bit of positive thinking and its getting really difficult.

I have been off from work quite a lot this month, 4 days of leave till now out of which 3 mondays. Its been difficult to accept that this is my life, this work, this office, these polite conversations and this life. I come to work thinking of how to get by the day and after I leave I think it wasn’t so bad after all, but while I’m here I feel stuck, like being in a wrong place and continuing to be there even if you knew it, I feel helpless and angry at the same time. I know this is  not so bad, there are perks and easy work and decent pay, then why can’t I do it without so many thoughts and pathetic feeling? Why can’t I take this just a job? The more I think the worse it gets. And now I don’t even feel like working, if there is something urgent hanging on my neck then I do it but if there is some time to it then I ignore it and get to blogging instead.

I’m feeling much better after writing all that now.

I can’t say this at home to anyone, they don’t understand. Mom will get a panic attack and say all about my responsibilities and then I’ll land up feeling guilty and sis will only listen for a few minutes and tell me about all the perks I get as compared to her. I got no one to talk to except you my dear blog. You’re my best friend! Can you please reply sometime? and give advice also? well, okay get someone who is reading this to reply atleast? Please!

New things in life include, signing up for swimming lessons from next month, me and mom will be going together and we’re all set, except I haven’t bought my swimsuit yet. Ooohh! me in swimsuit! I think will go and find one in decent covering and exposing ratio. God I’ve never worn one, will let you know how I’ll look.

Also, the dance performance will be in June end and practises begin next month. I so hope we get a ‘hot and sexy’ choreography this time.

Today is dance class again and I’m all-set to getting groovy and letting it all out today. What happens at the class is that I get too conscious about what I’m wearing and how I’m looking and I have three tyres and the other girls have perfect figures. And with all this thinking I loose the confidence and my dance shows it. When I practice at home I feel great, I show my moves and give it the best and I see myself and I actually look hot, but at the class its different. I’m going to get my hot self exposed in the class today. I don’t care if I look stupid or where my clothes are going. I will perform today. Full On!

That’s pretty much what’s been happening in the past few days. And hey, that thing ‘that-I-have-started-and-I-am-not-going-to-talk-about-until-its-complete’ is going on. Pray for me! I will.

Cheers!!

*Good type feelings, relaxed feeling have definitely increased from when I started this post.*

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