Archive for health

Just like that..

{ November 3, 2009 @ 5:09 am } · { Blogroll, Interesting, art, body canvas, dating, feelings, friends, habits, health, life, love, personal, random, tattoo, thoughts, work }
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I don’t have anything in particular.. I mean I do but then this is not about that. This is a ‘just like that’ stuff, you know, general update, nothing intense or serious.

 

So I wanted some change around, and if you’ve not been a regular then let me tell you, I have changed my blogspace appearance theme. I liked the earlier one all bright and sunshine, but this one is also good, very creative and compact, although a little wider column would help keeping the scroll soo never-ending.

Besides that, I’m at at work and sleepy, slept late yesterday, partially because I was talking to New Guy and rest because I’m lazy at times and always pathetic at time management.  Work is work, a little less relieved though (that’s why I’m here). Apart from that, there’s this funny thing, or just thing that happened, so we have these international conference calls in the evening times and I leave early from work so usually take these calls from home on cell. Yesterday, sis was to meet this internet guy for the first time and she didn’t want to go alone so she asked me to join her, so I did and then I totally forgot about the call , actually to be exact  I never remembered it at all. Now today morning my senior(who’s now rolling off to new project) asked me if I was on call. I told her I was not at home and hence could not, she like ‘ attend them seriously as you are working closely on these things’. I’m like ok will. Then I got thinking about how put up this entire thing is, I mean if I loved what I did and if I was worried or interested then I would’ve never forgotten about it. Then it would be me who would be there and take things up. And then I want a promotion, that means more of this thing that I’m not even bothered about. Its nothing new and has happened a couple of times with me so I know how it is, I go home and completely forget about it all. Maybe its all natural, maybe I’m irresponsible, maybe it’s another factor showing how much I’m not into what i’m doing or maybe it’s just something normal that I’m adding as my list of excuses. Not sure! Anyhow all I hope is that this missing out on calls in not being considered for my promotion criteria. Hell I know it is! just hope it isn’t impacting so much. See all I want is more money and less work and that’s what a promotion will get me, then I’ll be up for taking these calls and managing work and time and all as I will not have much work type work to do. I think!

 

Anyhow, another thing i’ve been spending a lot! Like more than what I do and  more than what I should do. I’ve  swapped that credit card a few times now, over expensive cafes that serve the same coffee only soo expensive it gives you a high that you can actually spend so much ona cup of coffee and also some on cosmetics, thanks to sis, trying to buy the entire store. Imagine she was all for buying a 3 square inch eyeshadow color palate for 800 bucks.. please don’t get a heart attack, it was only India Rupee currency.. but seriously! I also bought this dark green V-neck pullover from Benetton. I like it! yay! its only for 1000 Rs. yay! I have been wanting that for a long time so yay again!  But I need to stop on the spending and crazy as it may sound, all my Facebook horoscopes (and other)read not to overspend, go check for Libra. Confession: Also some of the shopping spree has been intended around the next date with New Guy, as you know I’ve been a complete miser and you can’t be an idiot when you date, I mean you can, but I don’t want to especially when I’m not. So just some basic updates happening. Don’t roll your eyes… its girls stuff ! lol!

Didn’t got o gym yesterday as was with sis and had to meet that guy ‘V’. He was okay, speaking very less and that’s what is scary, when people don’t talk what they thing, its dangerous. I will go from today, pucca(real) promise.

 

Also recent urge to get back to the tattoo resolution. ‘B’ had got it done on the day we went for frenz engagement and she showed it off and now I’m like dying to get one. What’s the problem? I’m confused as hell again! but seriously, need one before the year ends.

You know what, sometimes  I feel that I get pulled into trying to convince myself that my life is fun and then I do these things that I’m not sure about but they give me some re-assurance at that moment. Don’t know if you got that, but that’s all I’ll say…

*Yawwwnn* back to work type crap…

 

Tc!

Sweet November…

{ November 2, 2009 @ 3:22 am } · { Blogroll, Interesting, dating, dreams, family, feelings, friends, habits, health, interpret, life, love, personal, random, thoughts }
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Its beginning of a new month, and although this keeps happening thoughout the year, I’m a little excited about this one in particular..

Reasons are many, so bullet points will be needed

*I use them so often, its like when in my exams I always felt the need that my answer should not be right, but easy to read and the points I’m making should get across in the best way*

- 2 friends getting engaged this month… dresses, party, all the friends marriage excitement begins

- will have an appraisal meet this month, I’m definitely hoping for a promotion *fingers crossed* and a hefty raise too.. yay!!

 - Winters!!! colorful socks, beautiful stoles, chiselled cheeks, cozy beds… lots of warm cups of tea.. love it all!

- Also, some weird/good intuition that something good is coming my way..its good to be hopeful

- I’m hitting the gym again from today.. loosing all that baby (and adult) fat.. really i have bulging tummy now.. and .. let me stop here..

 -  Also, I see many party type plans happening, ol fren n me decided we needed some catching up(okay i decided, he agreed) so plans for movie-lunch-talk n more talk coming soon, engaged n to be engaged fren ‘B’ also require a round of  drinks and lots of talk, another cute guy from my raftn trip also met me online and was asking(himself okay) to make some party plans.. too bad he’s not single, maybe he’ll get a few of his hot single friends, and last and I think the least will be meeting New Guy’s friends soon i guess, spoke to one of them and he was all for clubbing, btw he’s on a vacation right now with friends. just like that info.. lol!

- Maybe, just maybe, might get to start with guitar passion again.. hope so, want to

- Life seems to be moving, maybe even talking a good turn, I’m hoping.. this month would bring around some deserved and great changes.. pray ok!

What’s your plan for the month guys??

Late night / early morning post

{ October 25, 2009 @ 10:34 pm } · { Blogroll, Hobbies, Interesting, dating, dreams, family, feelings, friends, habits, health, interpret, life, love, music, personal, random, reading, realtionships, secrets, sex, thoughts, work }
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Yup! I’m blogging at home, but no one’s awake so it more like alone type thing. I don’t know what thing I have with blogging with not any interference, but that’s how it is. I like to acknowledge my thoughts and feelings in peace. So, let’s get to it right away then. Shall we (dance Mr.Clark)? hehhe.. couldn’t stop myself..

About my weekend, my Friday evening was spent in office, working till 9pm(from 7 am ), there was this important piece that we wanted to complete and I took to completing it, like I have been doing for te past 2 weeks with only last week as leaving on normal time except of course Friday. So I stayed and worked(this better pay off in appraisal) and then New Guy called after his work hours to talk and I was busy so we kept texting and he showed a little concern that I should eat something and stuff.  Btw my mobile bill has gone upto 3 times from that before I knew him. We talk a lot and earlier I found it all very interesting, but off late there’s not much to it. It’s ok!,  I get little bored also. We still speak a lot on the phone, also spoke till late on Friday night.

So it wasn’t confirm if we were to come to office on Saturday or not, but on Saturday morning I got a call from my manger and she’s like we’ll need you there. I was mentally prepared for it so I was okay. Also, earlier when there were talks on weekend work, I had declined saying that I will be going out with family, but when the urgency came so I said I will change my plans and come if required. hehehe. Hope my manager considers all this, what the heck? she has to bloody hell! fingers crossed! I need a promotion… No, I need a job change.. No, career change.. Now you know why I don’t like to talk about my work right?  So went to work and got stuck till 7pm and then came back home and ordered pizza(yes, pleading guilty, 10-15 min yoga through the week and then pizza weekend..*guilty*) and spoke to New Guy was also busy with a frenz wedding, so nothing much, chatted with sis and mom and off to sleep.

Now comes glorious Sunday, woke up at 12pm. Rushed to get ready with no bath and go shopping as I couldn’t think of anything I could wear on the dinner date with New Guy, which I thought would be o some real fancy place (read on for what it was). now don’t think I’m such a loser trying to impress a guy and all okay. I really couldn’t think of one thing that I had that would make me feel confident on a classy type place, I mean I have but then I had worn it to the last time we met and then I didn’t mind buying a ‘for keeps’ item to my less existent wardrobe. So  I dragged sis along, we searched this entire flea market for something exclusive(which now sounds stupid..) but found nothing, but I did land up buying these amazing gladiator heels for half than original cost. They look hot, like my type hot(will need a post on this to explain). Yay! Then we moved a much class market and I tried almost every good store but no luck. So I landed up splurging on a great bag, its super cool, not too much girly and also structured and classy, just what I like. But its little expensive so can’t take it for everyday purpose and have neatly put it back in my cupboard. lol! ( A little particluar…hehe). And you know what! all these horoscope type stuff that I have been reading for this week/month said about ‘not to indulge in splurging’. But seriously, how much can even a sane girl like me resist?  But not going to splurge more this month (only 6 days more..lol! ) and will try not to next month too (see, sane na?). And somehow this feeling of wanting new stuff has really heightened a lot in the past week or so. I never feel like this. Maybe it’s because I want to be really presentable and all in front of New Guy and that doesn’t mean pretending to be something I’m not, it’s just that I haven’t keeping myself well and like myself either. I’ve been more than lousy and looking pathetic with old and repetitive clothes and stuff. God! how much will I embarrass myself here? no more.. you got the thing na? 

After so much running around we reached home about 45min before he was to pick me. I asked him where we’re going so I can dress accordingly and he said anything casual. Now I knew it wouldn’t be so casual so I took a semi-casual look  – black sleeveless top with front bow and little deep V-neckline from mango, with open semi woollen top that I bought last week with big buttons and elbow length puffed cum roughed sleeves and dark blue jeans with my new beige gladiator heels, Also I kept the make-up minimal and clean, gloss, little blush and eye pencil. Got the picture? I thought I looked good, like maybe 8.5, no 9 out of 10. and felt confident too(most important for me). I kept him waiting for 20 min and he is so impatient he kept calling again and again, and I kept saying just 5 min. :) We left and then he started apologizing for this little tiff we had earlier in the evening when he said we should move the time ahead else he won’t be able to come. I know pathetic right? God know why I even accept this ? I gave it off to him and told him we can cancel if he wants to save his time and all. Finally he called and said sorry and said he’ll be there on our agreed time. I agreed as I wanted to go too, but not after saying a few more stuff. heheh. He apologized and then I accepted the apology when he said I could slap him and I did, not hard but little. At this time he had stopped the car on the road side of this really lonely road, so then we got a little comfy and shared a very light kiss . I liked it, but still no feelings and I like that also, although its so new for me to be with someone I don’t feel for, but honestly things seem so light, no expectations, no change in my life plans, no living up to expectations..blah.blah. I like it! for now.

Then we moved to the place he had thought, actually I had asked him to decide to see his choice and all, so yes the place was good, a five-star hotel restaurant. Nice! We started talking and then he tells me why he wanted to take me for dinner was to celebrate the new job that he’s taking up. That was sweet! a little scary like getting attached type, but sweet and seemed harmless. So we talked and ate and a few drinks (all sober) and at one point he said he wanted to kiss me and I behaved little shy type smile. Okay laugh out! Now I’m new to this unattached stuff, so I really don’t know how to react. lol!

 2 hours passed away and we made a move for home as we were already getting late. Now a little worry part, I already told him the time I need to get home by(11pm) and he didn’t pay much importance to it and said we could get a little late with traffic. I didn’t like that. I mean what does he think of me? I hope he doesn’t have any loose ideas. He better not! i’d like the guy to respect my time and limits. I clearly told him that next time I won’t get perm coz we crossed the time this time. He didn’t tak that seriously too, now next time I’m not making evening plans at all. Wait and watch! Wow ! I like this game, all calculating and no emotional stupid type behavior.

Then on the same lonely way back home, he stopped the car with some lame excuse that I was also part of and then we had some intimate moments. Nothing much and I kept reminding we should move. Again no feeling from me..yay!! but it was fun! hey, I’m still a decent girl.. just having some fun she deserves.

He dropped me home at 11:30pm, half an hour late and I spoke to him for a couple of minutes, you know, “Thanks! I had a good time”, was actually OK, but some encouragement is required..I sound like a pro at this now!!lol!

 

Next time, no late evening plans… should learn a lesson right?

 

And btw it’s been more than 1 hour I have been typing! its 3:55 am now, but good I got this all here, else I wouldn’t have the enthu to pull all details it has now.

 

Forgot to ask, how was your weekend darlings?

They say”You’re a dreamer”. True!

{ October 23, 2009 @ 6:49 am } · { Blogroll, Hobbies, Interesting, art, dating, dreams, family, feelings, habits, health, interpret, jazz, life, love, personal, random, realtionships, secrets, thoughts, work, writing }
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There’s a part of me that wants to be so much more. Much more than what I am, most of these are not really possible or lets say not practical as they’re not my ‘aim in life’, yet I keep these crazy aspirations bring thrill and excitement to me.

 

“You’re a dreamer… and when there is so much to dream and plan, who has the plan to actually go out there and do it”, I read that somewhere about Librans. Now I know that doesn’t give a very mature picture of me, but I know it’s actually true.. many times..

 

The many things that I have on my crazy list and in my (so exciting) dreams:

 

1. Be an actress - Now see I like acting and have been in theatre throughout school, but nothing after that. I also feel that I will be good if I try it. I think I should take this up sometime, maybe some theatre or something. Let’s see!

2. Learn the piano - Much achievable and not so crazy. But then I can’t seem to push myself to it. It would cost a lot and my finances are not for selfish pursuits right now. I’m not letting this get off the list anytime.

3. Have the body of a bikini babe – okay – almost! - Again, this has been on my list for sometime and I know I can do this, but if you’ve been reading you know I get super excited, get o the gym, take healthy diet, loose weight, reach almost near to being called slim and then loose interest. Started(trying) Yoga in mornings since this week, which reminds me it was chilly today morning (for me that’s 5:30am), so don’t know how this will go. But really, I want a good body and I know I have the determination to get it, but it’s just that I’ve tried and fallen off track a couple of times and all so. Let’s try again then, shall we?

4. Want to be part of a rock band - I could,  if I only knew some instrument or great vocal chords. Alas! You can only be gifted with few talents, and that too I haven’t explored yet :) Bur seriously! to imagine myself in a rock type person, all cool-headed and all you care about is how good that beat is, wow! I really appreciate people who are driven by passion, like crazy single-headed life-consuming passion!  I’m such a wanna-be na? I know.

5. Learn French language - Again doable and same reason as piano.  Although I did learn it for 2 months after my 12th exams and I still hae it kept at home, but then.. hmm… excuses?? maybe… or just there are other important things that require attention and green. Did I hear self-pity?? Nooo! Please!! (I’m saying it so probably it already exists in my mind.. fucking mind..)

6. Be a Travel show host -  I’m a eggetarian, so no non-vergetarian. Somehow I feel that is one very good reason this is on the dream list. Also, I don’t know if I would be up for this stuff. I feel I can, but I don’t know.  Time is so less, where do I start? lol!

7. Be a love and hope exuberant  person - Not like try hard and all, but you know some people are naturally like that. So giving, warm. They meet you for the first time and hug you, and you feel like you’ve always hugged them like this, for years. I want that nature, that personality! So comfortable, positive, zero awkward, always smiling, nothing bad ever brings them down. Ever! I try sometimes to bring lightness and goodness around me, but that’s not naturally there. Naturally there’s doubt, awkwardness, conscious, guarded, feeling vulnerable and other stuff. Yet I try, so cheers ya!

  

8.  Social Service - I know, I’m so contradicting everything i wrote above, but yes its true. I want to be working selflessly, being of use, making something out of this life. I want to make a change in all the things that I feel pity or helpless about. I know, big talk and no work right? But I did try once to get into voluntary street children education, but then they needed at least 8 hours a week, which was not practical, so I politely backed out. I find it better and more moral to not start something I feel I will not complete rather than start with doubts and leave in between.

Anyway, so once I was also joking to friends that I’m going to do social service and there I’ll meet a guy who is all I want. So they were like you’ll marry a guy who does only social work, so broke/minimal green type? I said, “No, I’ll find out later that he’s the heir of a royal family and is more than a billionaire, and yet he’ll be so grounded and giving. And yes, he’ll pick me and i’ll pick him too.” :)  Lol!

  

 

Enough gossip for the day or now!

As you’ve heard(read)me saying(writing) before, need to get back to work. :)

 

TC!

 

Hey … just thought of couple more stuff, but they’re all so do-able and or on my New Year resolution list, still would like to mention:

 

Non- crazy list:

- be a successful writer/author

- learn a dance form till the highest level

- get a permanent tattoo (this year.. for sure)

 

gotta go now!!!

BYE!!!!

Rays of Hope..

{ October 8, 2009 @ 12:55 pm } · { Hobbies, Interesting, art, books, dating, dreams, family, feelings, friends, habits, health, interpret, life, love, music, personal, random, reading, realtionships, secrets, sex, thoughts, work, writing }
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Every now and then we fall away from our dreams, we drift to ‘to-do’ lists and other important stuff. Exhaust life out of ourself hoping, just hoping we will ge where we want. Then what about today? Now? Where you stand? Doesn’t that count?  I didn’t wanna get to sadistic, but seems like I’m quite a natural at it. lol!!

 

Anyways, so I wanted to say was that sometimes the simplest of things give you hope to dream again. Some kind of unwavering faith that we carried in our childhood comes back, even if for a moment. It may be few words, an event, something , anything. It makes you believe!

I love that feeling. It brings me to a place where everything I want is waiting for me to want it and believe in it. No questions, no logic, it just is!

I recently went to watch ‘Wake Up Sid’ with New Guy and it brought me back to wanting what makes me happy. To write, to believe, to be different, to be me. I want to be a writer, someone creative, someone original. Me!! So self obsessed ?? Ya Ya …

Btw did you notice that I haven’t been updating anything about New Guy?? You see the non-existence of even an E of  excitement, I do!! More on this later … Maybe.

 

I can’t say why do I loose track of these hopes. But having said that I’m still hanging on, I mean I’m in the office right now, on an important conference call about the hectic work that will be coming up and what and how to go about it, but still, I’m completing this blog. You see!!

One more thing that gets me back to those lovely dreams of a fab life of being a writer(freelance if I may please), living in New York and also if you would just throw in a Fab Bod and great Fashion sense… Do I hear Sex in the City?? YES Please… :)

Hopes of an innocent person.. too much to ask for?? Nooo!

Okay, Now I’m certain you’re thinking I’m crazy, idiot and immature. But you know what? I think that’s what you should be, crazy enough to love your dreams and not care about being thought as crazy!!

Also, a good read makes me all energized and ready to carry my notepad/diary around all the time. I love to read! I love words and how they bring alive everything they touch, the messages they carry, the warmth they carry, how just within seconds of moving your eyes from left to end of the page you start feeling sensual or whatever, also how they make you want to snuggle up with be in love. They bring your emotions out to the open and play around.

Okay,  I really need to get back to work now.. lol!! I wish I could stay and say so much more…

Later.. later…

PS: I just started reading a blog and it was a guy writing poetry.. wow!! n good stuff!. I didn’t know such guys existed.. Did you?  ;)

 

 

 

 

How do we get ready to get heartbroken again and again..

{ September 24, 2009 @ 8:33 am } · { Interesting, dating, dreams, feelings, friends, habits, health, interpret, life, love, personal, random, realtionships, secrets, thoughts }
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It’s actually amazing, the patience and tolerance levels we humans have.  Especially in the matters of the heart, we seem to be driven by nothing just love and feelings.

I’ve met people who know that it’s never gonna work out and they will never be able to be with the one they love, yet they hopelessly are drowning in it, holding onto every bit of that experience. I’ve met people who are so totally crazy for someone who they accept the other persons ignorance and negligence also as love.

 

It’s difficult. All of it is. When you want something to be there so much and then the lengths you go to make it true. It’s all very difficult and I haven’t even come to the hurt and pain  part yet.

 

The thing is  that we want to be loved and appreciated and cared for. Is that too much to ask for? Honesty, love, care, acceptance, we search for it everywhere, in everyone we meet. I know I do.

 

Everytime we meet someone who seems like a prospect of being the one in our life (whatever ‘one’ might mean to you, boyfriend, husband, support..) we always make these dreams of what it would be. We start dwelling on how they would accept us and love us the way we are. But that seldom happens, we go out of our ways to impress the other person, make them feel like we are everything that they dreamed of and then when its back to reality it’s not so good.

Also, if there is something you want ot ignore about yourself and don’t accept, then we expect the other person to als ignore it. If they don’t and tell us, then it hurts. It kills.

 

I have been speaking to New Guy and it seems good do far. He calls me names for being fat and chubby, but all in a kidding kinda way and I don’t want to pay much attention to it but it does hurt. I don’t like him to day that I’m fat. I’m not, just a little healthy. :) But seriously I don’t like it when he makes those jokes. And worst part is that I don’t know how to react to it all. I laugh trying to hide the conscious effort in my voice.

 

Apart from all that, now I really don’t want to meet him, just what might happen is scarring me. I’m hoping he will like and vice versa, but then if he makes those jokes on my face then I wouldn’t be able to hide my true expression, i.e feeling bad and low. I hope it goes well, but I’m certainly not meeting him tomorrow.  I can’t, don’t have good clothes and no time to shop anymore.  And one more thing I want to make myself clear on is that whatever might happen, I will not let myself get emotionally attached into all of this and take it just as fun thing. I’ll try atleast.

 

We expect so much and then we don’t find all or something different and get hurt. And then we start over again. All in the hope to find what we want so much and so badly that no amount of falls can make us give up on this hope. :)

Some nervous & confused thoughts..

{ September 17, 2009 @ 7:53 am } · { Interesting, dating, family, feelings, friends, habits, health, interpret, life, love, personal, random, realtionships, secrets, thoughts }
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We seem to know everything about relationships when you’re not in one, and the moment you get involved all your senses and wisdom seems too got out of the window. Why am talking all this? I don’t know. 

I was up speaking to the ‘New Guy’ till 2 am yesterday and we talked generally, nothing romantic at all. I don’t know if he’s into me or not or if I am either?  I think this question would be valid only once we meet. But still I’m curious if he would like me. We’ve seen each others pics and he hasn’t said anything nice about me so far, just commented on fb on few pics that were from last year when I had lost lot of weight (which btw is back on me and made me suspicious so just went for Thyroid test today morning, hope its positive and I can take meds and get slim :( ). So, coming back to me and New Guy, we talk about lot of stuff and mostly agree on much. One thing I like is that he has his point of view and not dumb.

He also asked about my sis’ pics that were on my profile and left a ‘Hi’ to her. My sis is very pretty, a little chubby these days but still very a beauty. I always feel if some guy meets both us he would prefer her always her, she the pretty and fun and social one, but with me people start liking me only once they get to know me little by little. I’m a little insecure of that fact, well lets say that it would be little hurting if he wanted to go out with my sis after meeting us,  but then I shouldn’t keep any hopes for him wanting to be with me either. Now it sounds like I’m having a serious confidence crisis but I am not. I still feel very good about myself and know I am a terrific person to be around,  but all these things I am thinking are just hovering around the idea if the New Guy is a real good guy, I don’t want to say it like this but its the truth ‘if he’s a good catch’ then its what these ideas are based on.

See, it’s just the thought of a relationship and I’m all zapped. :)

There’s one more thing on my mind, he was insisting we meet coming weekend and I didn’t say a full yes. Why? I’m  feeling a little conscious of myself, my looks are fine, but my body (chubby now) and short hair (which now I wish would grow length of 4-5 inches longer within a day) which make my face even more round (why did I cut my long hair again, oh yes, severed damage was done by using clothes iron on my hair for pressing). Also, I’m not very confident on my clothes. Although I have a good dressing sense I don’t shop much, mainly because of money problems, I don’t feel good spending much on myself when my family could use that money and most of the stuff I like is branded and expensive, so I kill the need of having good clothes and pretend I’m OK with what I have. Now, if I went out and bought something good to wear for when I meet him, then that would again feel very silly and desperate to be liked. I want to feel liked however I am, but even I don’t like myself an  how I am dressing.

Whoa! See the insecurities and knotted feelings surfacing ? One thing is for sure, if I don’t like myself then no one else will either.

Well, maybe he would turn out to be a jerk himself. Hahaha, see now I’m trying to convince myself that New Guy would be more worthless than what I feel right now, to make myself feel better. Does it help? Yes, a bit.

Not too sure if I will meet him this weekend or not, but lets see.

Finally I’m out of the old closet..

{ September 15, 2009 @ 4:25 am } · { Interesting, dating, dreams, family, feelings, friends, habits, health, interpret, life, love, personal, random, realtionships, secrets, thoughts }
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of old relationships and hanging on to what had happened. I knew this was long overdue and with more and more stagnant thought and memories I was like sitting in a car with no tyres and wishing to reach a destination – a happy place.

I guess its ok if sometimes your ex-relationship thoughts cross your mind right? I mean we are humans with emotions and a heart. If we have had someone in our life and shared some moments with them, then they will be part of your memory. But not moving on with life is something else.

I am totally over my last relationship, but the breaking of it left me exhausted, of emotions, enthusiasm, hopes and even trying to keep a relationship. I ran away at the mention of it. I kept myself busy with work and other activities and my family will always be my priority, so it all worked out. But then this isn’t normal, not seeing anyone on purpose, not that I had guys lined up outside my door, but yes I haven’t actually been there ready either.

So finally on last saturday afternoon, when my TV wasn’t working and I was getting super bored, I went into one of those Yahoo Chat room that I used to visit when in school. I think this was more like a destined act, seems like GOd wanted to tell me move along before I get too behind the times. :) So, I kept getting many ‘hi’, ‘asl plz?’ and ‘want some hot chat’ invites and I kept ignoring them and adding to my ignore list. One guy actually sent me the first message asking how would I feel if he did stuff to my tits until the were hard. Now seriously he didn’t want friends!  Anyways so after responding to few hi’s and realizing they were desperate people begging for hot chat, I responded to another simple ‘hi’. He typed respectfully without using words like ‘hot’and ‘tits’ and so we got chatting. We sat around for an hour n half or 2 and then we exchanged numbers. Honestly, at one point when he was crossing the first and basic guard of my privacy by asking me where I lived and worked, I panicked for a moment and thought of lying about it all and never appearing on this chat again, but then I thought why should I be so scared? I felt I much needed to take my chances, so I gathered my guts and told the truth. We spoke for few minutes on phone after that. I’ll admit I did look at his pic before exchanging my number. He’s average looking, someway familiar to an old school time girl friend of mine. :)

We spoke for 15-20 min yesterday and I’m trying not to think much about it all. One things for sure though, I’m back in the game.

I don’t know if this has anything to do with above events, but suddenly I’m feeling the need to get back in shape and take care of myself. :) Planning on starting yoga and walking from today. Also already started skin care since saturday. Although it seems hollow to be taking yourself seriously for other person, but I know the truth is I had started lacking the enthusiasm of making myself feel good. I’m back on track now.

 

Cheers!

PS: Will meet him this weekend hopefully!;)

What is a ‘Lifestyle’ exactly???

{ August 10, 2009 @ 3:59 am } · { Hobbies, Interesting, dreams, feelings, habits, health, interpret, life, love, personal, random, secrets, thoughts }
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I’ve heard of the term a lot, read about it and all that, but I’m still not sure I know what it is.

Is it the way you live? The way you eat, dress, feel & behave ? If yes, then how can all that be changed and adapted. I understand that life changes and we all change along with it, but what about ‘being the person you are’ ? How can you wake up and say ‘Oh I need to change my lifestyle, so I’m going to stop loving junk food and start loving vegetables’, that is just not possible? It sounds like forcing yourself onto something you’re not, like getting into a tight and uncomfortable bodysuit that might change something about you, but its not your skin and it won’t feel your pain.

These thoughts having been lurking because I want to be different from the outside and I know it will need a lot of change from the inside.  I have tried before, excessive workout, diet controls, pushing myself over every edge and I did get some results too, but then when you’re doing what isn’t you, then it doesn’t last and fades away. I leave it all and become myself back to something I again start hating the outside and that makes me feel not so good on the inside.

I feel I take it all too seriously, but it matters too much too. I need to love myself before I can love anyone else. A broken heart cannot love or heal others pain. I need a lifestyle change.

Generally speaking.

{ July 28, 2009 @ 4:01 am } · { Interesting, dreams, family, feelings, habits, health, interpret, life, love, music, personal, random, secrets, thoughts, work }
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Its happened more than a few times now that I open up wordpress thinking of writing something and then I start reading other blogs and end up not writing anything. Not blaming others, its just that sometimes you only have a  moment to say something, you either let it out right then or will never, something like that.

Its weird really, I am sitting in my office at my desk, actually chair, so why do we use the phrase ’sitting at my desk’? anyways, and listening to some sad + romantic+ feelings type+melodious songs (I’m thinking i need to change the list of songs on my desktop, something peppy maybe)  and smelling the coffee aroma from the cup in front of me (which is now not allowed, no beverages, eatables at your desk) and I’m lost, like literally lost, I need to pull myself to bring my mind to work and so what I ought to.

I’m so tired of asking the same questions to myself  & God, there are no answers. I try to look for clues, signs, something, anything. Tell me what I want? I’m here and doing fine, but every now and then I feel lost. I seem to feel so out of place.

The weather is clearing out after a good rain and heavy clouds since last evening, I wish my mind would be clear too. I think about it and nothing I know. I’ve tried ignorance and all it makes me feel is a loser. I’ve wanted so much but haven’t achieved quite much. How can you want something you don’t even know? I know I want to be doing what I’m passionate about, but what is that? When will life take a turn for good and take me to where I belong ? There’s so I want, so much of what I don’t even know.

Silence makes me aware of my ignorance and thoughts only tell more of what a wrong place I am at, yet I go on, I have to, I owe it to my family.

A thought comes to my mind, how can my focus be so limited. I hear of people doing it all together, responsibilities, love, finding their dreams, getting health. And all I do is try and try. Will this pay off? ever?

When everything seems like a burden, is there a need to drop everything and leave ? I don’t think I have the guts to do that either.

where am I? and why?

I so need to stop that listening to those sad songs .. after this one maybe.

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