Archive for habits

Here’s the thing..

{ December 19, 2009 @ 7:25 pm } · { Blogroll, Interesting, dating, family, feelings, friends, habits, interpret, life, love, music, personal, random, realtionships, secrets, thoughts, work }
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Things have been going ‘weird’ lately. I mean if you look at it all it seems okay, but when my mind is seeing it, it’s so weird. Let me explain:

Finances: Have you heard that the saying ‘Love will keep us alive’ & ‘love is all you need’.. It’s all bullshit! nothing like that. I mean we’re a family of four and we love each other a lot. But since me and sis are the bread earners of the family, everything has been so rocky lately. we both earn and yes its decent in total, but then she’s like super lazy and doesn’t get her entire pay, it always cut out on late day, which means half days, and much infuriating this month was she bought some office stuff and lost the bills, leaving a couple of grands to be deducted from her salary. WTF!! and then she doesn’t even have the guts to go and speak up for herself when required. Otherwise she’s all talkative and social, but when you need to speak for yourself she got this big ego and image to show off. I mean what? what do you want to show off, that you’re an heiress or sumthng. you’re not..get real man! I’m sorry if this sounds like totally bitching about my sis (which is what it is) but then I am so tired of it all. why am I bloody doing something i don’t like for the family and trying to get things to get better and all she does is be careless, lazy, spending money around, and if you say anything she’s all angry and she’s impossible. I can only do so much on my own, I need her help, and I’ve tried every way to make her understand that, talks, fights, arguments, crying, everything, and its been 2 years of all this going on. I feel exhausted and drained. And the sad part is that she feels like we push her for getting money.. c’mon my mom sold the house to get us through college, she sold all her jewelery, she begged from my grandparents, and now we need to pull this together and get stable status. And she doesn’t realize, we have to say that to her.. imagine..how ignorant and shameless can you get? I’m so pissed off.. just had a bloody fight with her..I knw she must be hurt,, but I’m dying here…and all for nothing at the end of the month, we’re again at 0. crap!!

Work : This new role is bugging me. I’m scared and even more than that its confusing and I don’t have any guidance. I know it’s just matter of time, but something unsettled always makes my mind be jiffy type. It’s weird, but then something.. i don’t know what..i’m even having dreams about work and its so frustrating, coz I’m trying to put things to place, but now it’s not just me but also other people i need to manage. and then that too tactfully, coz one of them is my friend ‘D’ and both started out at the same time and now I want to take charge of things, but I have to keep in mind that she doesn’t feel like I’m bossing and its so much thinking before i do or say anything. i guess its time to learn all the office politics and social stuff, that i am so not used to and so against. phew!! more than work it’s all mind stuff, you know, thinking about stuff, and handling all.. exhausting!!!

Friends: It’s actually just one friend, ‘A’ it think I have mentioned him earlier as ol’ fren or something.. dun remember..anyways so we have been very good friends and we’ve been though a lot. But lately he started acting like he didn’t care and wouldn’t make any efforts. I mean since my birthday that was in september, I have been constantly asking him to make plan to meet, go clubbing, movies something. but he’s like no always. I feel really bad. I mean why can’t you make time for friends, and its understandable if you’re busy, but it can’t be for 3 months regularly. I feel so bad, that now even making a small effort for me feels like so much to him. I would make all the effort for him if I could. But he makes me feel so unwanted and as if I’m trying to get something from him. It’s sad! we had this plan to meet tomorrow and he’s like ya I even have some work there, so I said lets meet somewhere else, and he’s like what if I have work there. I told him that I knew if he didn’t have any work then he wouldn’t come to meet, but he didn’t agree and i felt it was useless to say anything much as he didn’t realize how much he has been hurting me by behaving so rude and distant. I told him we will meet tomorrow, but I won’t. I’m too emotional and he’s too insensitive, always has been, and feeling unwanted in front of him while he doesn’t understand why I feel that, will be too painful. Sad! I call him my best friend and even though I know I can call him anytime and talk to him about anything, he’s started to stay away and on purpose. he’s becoming someone else. maybe he doesn’t need me as a friend, maybe i shouldn’t feel so bad. It’s really painful. :(

Other stuff: haven’t been able to start my book yet. I spent the entire day today sitting on the bed with my notepad open and thinking. NOTHING!! my hands didn’t move.. maybe I am not in the right state of mind to tell a story. The dating scene has been all quite, after I stopped talking to New guy at all. Guitar practice is the only thing that’s keeping me a little happy. A few more songs on the (practice)list.

‘I love you till the end’ from P.S. I love you.

‘Way back into love’ from Music and Lyrics.

Tc!!

Let’s start afresh, 2010 New Year Resolutions

{ December 16, 2009 @ 5:30 am } · { Blogroll, Hobbies, Interesting, books, dating, dreams, family, feelings, friends, habits, health, interpret, jazz, life, love, music, personal, random, realtionships, secrets, thoughts, work, writing }
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Hmm… Now this requires some thought, lots actually. I’ll try to be specific, practical and keep the list real and measurable, so by the end of the year I know where I have reached.

1. Complete my book. Gotta do this. Really have to.

2. Join an NGO – start any form of voluntary work.

3. Loose all the flab and get in shape – for good and stay that way forever. (PS: starting from Jan 1st week)

4. Become a pro guitarist (btw I got a couple of songs in my kitty already, next post will explain)

5. Buy a car. I don’t care how I do it, I need that.

6. Move to NEW YORK, or atleast start seeing some real hope on it.

7. Earn double my current salary.

8. SAVINGS!! can’t emphasize enough on this. THIS IS A MUST.

9.  Stay in the game. I’m guessing the more people I meet the more clear I’ll get in my head as to ‘WHAT I WANT’.

10. Listen to that INNER VOICE. Trust my INTUTION and gut feeling. I can’t count the no. of times I’ve heard myself saying, ‘oh this did come to my mind but I didn’t trust my gut then’

11. I need control that ‘IMPULSIVE – say whatever comes to your mind instantly’ nerve. Actually, looking at last year, I have done it little, but some more control these.

12. Love myself more. Be good and love myself for it. (I’m so critical about myself, I am)

13. Swimming lessons – be a pro. This year its going to be freestyle & underwater. (right now I only know breast stroke :) )

14. Jazz – Need to start classes again. I don’t mind going for Salsa either. Anyways i should be dancing.

15. Wardrobe – please need to get stuff and this is very much dependent on point # 7 and #8.

16. Get a PROMOTION!!! I think this should be done by mid-year i.e if I believe my ex-manager’s words.

17. Get ‘OK’ with what I do for a living. Ya, this is a major thing.

18. BE WHERE YOU ARE. Not in office and writing blogs or thinking guitar, not at home and having nightmares about work.

19. Finances – take control. Manage.

20. Life – manage.

21. overall – improve management skills.

22. Get extremely particular on TIME and make this a habit and not extra effort. Always on time for everything.

23. Get slim girl and stay that way. No more loosing and gaining and loosing ..and on so on stuff.

24. Think family and think self - need to manage these two efficiently.  My scales are usually too much on either side and that leaves any one part being ignored.

35. BE HAPPY< LIVE< LOVE< ACHIEVE<GROW<MOVE<SEE THE WORLD<LOVE<ENJOY<IMPROVE<BRING JOY<BE HAPPY

Not too measurable ones there.. but that’s my list for now.

What’s on your list?

Just to say I’m still alive..

{ December 13, 2009 @ 1:48 pm } · { Blogroll, Hobbies, Interesting, dating, family, feelings, habits, interpret, life, love, music, personal, random, realtionships, secrets, thoughts, work, writing }
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Its been a while since I’ve been here. actually, I would visit everyday, open the blog stats, visit my regular reads and then close it out. Work, mindlessness(don’t know if that’s even a word), words stuck in my throat, speaking with muted voice.. something similar was happening. 

So howz life going on? Having fun yet ?? No, I’m not mocking.. seriously.. I’m just asking..lol!

I’ve been busy with work and although there isn’t much work, most of the time I’m thinking about how to start my new role, what all strategy should I work on, how should I manage it all, arrange work, sort it all. Something that I’ve not done, yet need to mould into. It’s exciting, confusing, little nervous. I know I’ll take it all up and be super good at it but then only thing is there is no one to guide me, so I need to be cautious, extra cautious. :) I sound nervous right,.. I am. :)

Btw I won that award I was talking about. :) So its a brand new Microwave for mom (I get to buy it from the catalogue with the points I scored). Yay!!

Apart from that, Mr USA return was wanting to go out for the weekend, so he messaged me and then I replied that we can go for movie like on the weekend. Then we spoke a few days after and I was like who all are coming, he said I don’t know if you’re coming alone then I’ll come alone too , else I’ll get a friend, I was like we’ll get bored just the two of us. So finally Friday evening it was me, him and my sis. We went for ‘New Moon’ which was so good, except I missed Edward, And rest it was good jolly company. Since sis is a pretty fun person and the guy was all not al all snob but rather easy-going with any company, so it was fun. He didn’t hit on me or anything which was good actually.

Good time.

Haven’t stepped out of home entire weekend, have been glued to the guitar and now I got 3 songs in my kitty (all broken and not fluent) but will practice.

I’ve got-Lucky ali- kya aisa hi hota hai pyaar (almost perfect)

Greenday – time of you life (1 week more and then perfect)

Pearl jam – last kiss (this needs work, C-Chord ..kills my fingers)

So with bruised fingertips (left hand) I’m typing all this, sitting in my pyjama and smelly buffed up pullover. Btw Delhi has gone cold, I can’t imagine no socks.

Just oiled my hair, and will change and go to buy a cheap mobile after i get some tea (mom.. pleasee. I’m begging her and she’s snuck in the blankets ready to take her naps, which she calls jhapki, which is no close to quick :) ). We had 4 mobiles, and only 1 is left working and me and sis keep switching our simcards and its been bloody irritating.

Wat a life.. music,, back to  guitar…some more bruises might make me feel of some worth. :) I’m behaving like a loser I know.. :)

Btw New Year is here, you guys got plans???  I really want to go somewhere.. please take me with you. see such a loser state… lol!!

Life is a Mayonnaise Jar

{ December 8, 2009 @ 12:06 pm } · { Blogroll, Hobbies, Interesting, dreams, family, feelings, friends, habits, health, interpret, life, love, random, reading, realtionships, secrets, thoughts, work }
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This is the story that I was telling you all about, that my friend sent me via mail and I like it.

Read on! Especially for people like me, who keep feeling like nothing is happening every once in few days. It  gives you clear wa y of looking at waht you’re doing and how it makes a difference in you life.

**********************************************************************

The Mayonnaise Jar
When things in your life seem, almost too much to handle,
When 24 Hours in a day is not enough,
Remember the mayonnaise jar and 2 cups of coffee.

 

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

 He then asked the students, if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

 The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar.  He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open Areas between the golf balls.

 He then asked the students again if the jar was full.  They agreed it was.

 The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous ‘yes.’

 The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively

filling the empty space between the sand.  The students laughed.

 

‘Now,’ said the professor,   as the laughter subsided,

‘I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things – family,children, health, Friends, and Favorite passions. Things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, Your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, house, and car. The sand is everything else –The small stuff.’

 

‘If you put the sand into the jar first,’  He continued,

‘there is no room for  the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.’

 So… Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play With your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner.

 There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.

 ’Take care of the golf balls first -The things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.’

 One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented.

 The professor smiled, ‘I’m glad you asked’. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.’

 Please share this with other “Golf Balls”

I just did……

Where did my weekend go??

{ December 7, 2009 @ 8:20 pm } · { Blogroll, Interesting, dating, family, feelings, friends, habits, health, interpret, life, love, personal, random, realtionships, secrets, thoughts, weddings, work }
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Okay, so the bucket list was not even taken a second glance at and the weekend went away in much of a rush, but all fun.

Saturday -

My office pal ‘R’, who stays close by my place and we share the office cab everyday, she came to my place early in the morning, like 11:30am-12:00pm something and that was so early, considering I slept at 3 am (reme’br d last post). She had come with her mom and my mom and her mom got talking and we were chit-chatting, then we ordered food and all had lunch. All wrapped up till 4pm. She had plans to meet some old friend of hers, who was getting along a friend who was visiting from USA, so she asked me and I was like lets see. Then I asked ‘A’ if his office party would be any good or not, else I would accompany ‘R’ (being a little selfish here) and finally I decided I definitely need to meet some new people. So we got ready and all then met up again, left for market place where we were to meet them. While we were waiting for R’s friend to come, there was this guy standing there and looking at me. He lind of was staring like admiring type, but I didn’t pay much heed coz obviously stranger. After a few minutes, R’s friend turns up with this girl (who was supposedly his cousin’s friend) and then the staring guy comes up to join, and he’s the ‘Mr. US return’ (quite a long name I know. can’t think of anythn else). Anyways, he was Ok. he was fair, about 5′7.5″, average features, average dressing, shoes were bad,, some woodland type and yes,  he’s also on the way to a shiny bright bald crown. But still he seemed ok. Then we went roaming around to this local flea market and I was upset by the choice of place, but then it was like friends meeting up, so I didn’t say much.  Then I suggested we go for drinks and then we had to walk a hell lot. Btw did I mention I was looking very nice. :) I just took bath and washed & had blow dry my hair (they look the best dat way) and then I was wearing blue slim fit jeans (but not sticky can’t breathe in type) that ended at just below my ankle and showed off my newest gladiator heels, that I had bought sometime back, then a black woollen buttoned top that has puffed and rouched(how do u spell it) quarter sleeves,  over this I wore a nice bright but not shocking Blue coat. Yes, blue! and I can carry it very well. Some simple make up and I felt like gossip girl, ready to step onto Manhattan streets. :)    back to hell of walking around and then finally coming to a place where we sat at a lounge and had couple of drinks. The guys were quarrelling over who’s taking the cheques in funny way, which was very annoying but we totally ignored as we didn’t care much as long as they’re not looking at our faces for it. I even suggested to ‘mr. USA return’ that let me know the pool in amount and he’s like ‘No, I’ll take care of it’. One point there. :) Now this guy works in the same field as mine and was back home after 3 years and his parents had all girls lined up for him to see and fix up his marriage. lol! he met someone before he came with us and he was telling how it was. Funny! I was taking to him and in between hush  shush we got , R told me that he really like me and that he would want to consider me for marriage. hahaha. can u believe it!! marriage! one time meet. Anyways, what he probably meant was that if I was looking or something and if I was interested then probably we could take that way and see if it works, but I you know na.. marriage is soo not on my cards and even otherwise i don’t think so. I deserve better. He was okay though. Now I won’t talk about R’s friend and his friend coz they were super boring and R’s friend still was a little funny, but his friend was such a mood spoiler and she was in some complex or something, staring at me and ‘Mr. USA return’/ lol! So then we had dinner and then R was on the cell and me and him were talking most of the time and then R’s friend went to drop the gal home and me and  him were again chatting and it was good. He was not very interesting but yes ok. He did mention he’s going sky diving when he return so ‘1 point’ there.

Then I suggested we go to a club, coz out on Saturday and going home after dinner seemed little unfinished and boring. We went to an ok place coz we were not dressed for clubbing and then we danced and stuff. After some time of dancing this ‘Mr. USA return’ started getting close and all, I mean he tried to and I backed away. What is wrong with boys?? I mean here I was thinking he’s a decent guy and then he behaves like an ass. Anyways I lost any respect for him and then he was also little off type. We danced for some more time and left. Btw spotted such a cute guy there, so wanted to talk to him, but just didn’t happen.

We reached home at 3am and then chatted a while and dozed off. R told me that the guy was very interested in me. :)   Wat? you like to hear these things. But he’s not the one for me, so maybe we’ll be good friends, which guys don’t understand, but whatever.

Sunday -

My ol pal ‘Bh’ came home. We’ve been friends since my first job and I am her first fren in Delhi as she doesn’t belong here. She’s married and doesn’t look it at all. She so slim and I am ashamed now. Anyways we met and then went shopping with sis and then came back home, her hubby came to pick her but we insisted she stay and then chatted till 4 am. You won’t believe, but the moment we met till the time we slept we were rolling on our stomachs all the time. God! our jaws were aching man.

I had decided to go to office late and so we were up for so long. Went late to office and then came back early and worked from home and then the guitar lesson. Btw almost one song ready. :) should be able to play atleast 1 song properly in next two weeks practice. :) yay!!

Will be going to office late again tomorrow as one of my colleagues marriage thing is there, so will go there after office.That’s why I’m up so late again. :)

P.S: ‘Mr.USA return’ jus found me on fb. I accepted and sis saw his pics and is all like ‘he’s soo good. are you an idiot?’ But I mean he’s here for marriage! I’ll meet him, but only as friends and probably will enjoy all the attention. :)

Looking back at the year start

{ December 3, 2009 @ 1:31 pm } · { Blogroll, Hobbies, Interesting, books, dating, dreams, family, feelings, friends, habits, health, interpret, jazz, life, love, music, personal, random, reading, realtionships, secrets, tattoo, thoughts, work, writing }
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so here’s the resolution listed that I has posted early this year. lets see what all I got done.

1. Personal – learn something new, music/dance/sport - YES.. jazz, now guitar…

2. Social Work – start voluntary work for NGO - none.. a little try at the begining.. but then nothing

3. Social Work – fund an orphan’s eduction - nopes :(

4. Career – get 30% hike in salary – Can’t say yet. got the feedback tomorow. I’m hoping this will be done. :)

5. Personal – take care of health – did for the first half of the year, lost weight and when i came so close to being called slim, i gave it up.. jerk. and now I’m back to me..so NO i think

6. Family – manage funds well  - NO.. nothing near it

7. Personal – Improve habits, be more warm and less bitter - maybe a little..not much.

8. Personal – learn to be more diplomatic i.e learn to keep my opinions to myself and be less judgemental. – yes-no.. okay,.

9. Career – Get appreciated for the good work – YES YES.. this is definitely true for the past couple of months…

Aww.. this dosen’t seem good na. I’ve only done the selfish stuff.

 

Another list, this is more like Things to do before I’m 25

1. Travel alone (another state or country) - NO

2. Get a tattoo – NO, I’m planning before New year or maybe after d heavy checque..lol

3. Start something new( music/dance/art) – YES

4. Go trekking – No, but went Rafting..counts ? YES

5. Complete a book – started, not completed and am not doing anythin so NO

6. Sponcer an orphan child’s education - NO :(

7. Start voluntary work for NGo/Street children – NO

8. Adapt a healthy lifestyle for good – NO

9. Organise family affairs – NO

10. be more Accepting – little. NO

11. Forgive people and forget unwanted baggage – NO. YES. Dun knw

12. Love myself more – NOt really.

13. Be more warm person – No. Not enough to say YES

14. keep the learning ‘new stuff’ going on. – YES, else I would get crazy

 

Lot of NO’s here too… :(

Sore me

{ December 3, 2009 @ 5:09 am } · { Blogroll, Hobbies, Interesting, books, dating, dreams, family, feelings, friends, habits, health, interpret, life, love, music, personal, random, reading, realtionships, secrets, sex, thoughts, weddings, writing }
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I have been PMSing since day before yesterday night and let me tell you it’s not a very pleasant thing (atleast not in the cold winters).

The night it started,  I kept tossing and turning entire night, there was this weird sensation in my stomach abdomen that something was happening down there. I was wearing a tee, huge woollen pullover, and socks and tucked inside 2 layers of blanket, actually one is double layered so 3 layers of blanket and yet my body was cold and uncomfortable. I woke up at 5:45 am and decided I was finally in no state to go to the office, so messaged my colleague and went back to sleep. Then got some rest and sleep, until I woke up.

When I woke up yesterday, my body felt like it was swollen (wasn’t looking swollen though, except my stomach) and it felt sore, sore like you visit the gym after months and then overdo everything cardio, weight, all and then your muscles are on the verge on getting ruptured, that kinda sore. I woke up around 12:30pm and didn’t move out of the blanket until 3pm, ate something and finally had the energy, mind to think of even moving my body, before that it was not even a thinkable thing to do. I couldn’t move, just couldn’t, or maybe of I had to then I would have to pick and place each of my body part one step ahead separately and that too using someone else’s hands, so then I would have to ask someone to pick my stomach and move it just above where my left foot had been picked and placed and henceforth. Maybe it wasn’t so bad, but it surely felt that way, and feeling is as bad as real, so!

After I  finally moved my ass, I was on the internet, checked my blog, others blogs and that was all that could hold my interest there. I was so uncomfortable, sitting, standing, moving.  The soreness was the hurting soreness, just the muscles are all lethargic and any movement might lead to rupture/collapse, something like there’s something weird happening inside you and its s uncomfortable, bloated, swollen, sore feeling. Then I moved to the guitar, that was good, although couldn’t keep myself on it for long, I guess just 30-40 min.

Btw I’m just on the basics with my lessons with my tutor, but for self motivation, I googled the easiest songs to play on guitar and then got this learning lesson on you tube for ‘Knocking on Heaven’s Door’ Bob Dylan version and I’ve been practicing it for 2 days. I am not good at it and specially with moving between chords, that timing is out-of-place, also the C chord is giving me a hard time, my fingers havent adjusted to being moving in different directions and applying pressure at the same time yet, I’m always pressing the not to be pressed keys and what happens is I get the sound correct once and next strum sound like banjo. :) But I will my learn this, I love it, I love to hear people play and the sound of that hollow wood and strings, Mmmm. When I think of it, it’s almost like thinking of your favourite chocolate dessert.. Mmnmmm~ :) You know there are certain things that make you feel like if they were eatable then you would gulp down ever bit of it, like I feel that for the smell of wood polish, and guitar. Does that happen to you too? 

This turned to a happy note huh! Anyways coming back to yesterday, its making me feel sore just mentioning it, you might think that i shouldn’t think/write about it if that’s the case, but I want to write it out, those rollercoaster feelings and weird stuff, I want it all worded. Why I don’t know either. Anyways, so after the sometime with guitar, I moved to mom’s room (where the computer is) and sat on the bed (I know lame details, please read it’ll add up) and couldn’t find myself a comfy,  to-be-warmed spot on the bed. I put some pillows on the wall and then leaned on them, covered myself with quilt and started reading this book ‘Anil’s Ghost’ that has been pending and half read for what seems ages (almost 3 months), but I couldn’t make it my spot. Let me explain. My bum wouldn’t warm the place, my bum wouldn’t feel fit and sunk in, my back wasn’t relaxed or easy and I constantly wanted to change, move in the spot trying to make it comfy, but that wouldn’t happen. Aaagrrh!

I always curse the male species when I’m PMSing, always! But yesterday I didn’t. Usually its something like- Why can’t boys have all this stuff in their bodies? periods - us, babies - us, everything painful comes to us and all they do is think about sex and have fun. Crap! I swear they should be something done so that they should start having babies. Why do we have to go through this? Why not them? I hate this. Jerks! Bloody one minded assholes! But yesterday I didn’t, not even once.

So then after the attempt to read a few pages, I closed it, no spot, no comfort, so warm ass, no point. I slid into the quilt and slept for 2 hours. When I woke up and then the usual TV and drama series were on and mom was glued to it like a bee. I don’t enjoy them much, but then the drama is good, especially with all the new reality series catching fire here and all the channels trying too hard to get TRPs and making shows on weirdest of ideas. It’s funny. One really funny one comes on Channel V, its called ‘Dare to Date’, it so funny. People are brought together for Blind dates and then after the date they are asked if they would like to go on a second date with that person. I haven’t seen a single couple say yes to this question. :) Yesterday, I caught a glimpse of it and the guy was so cute, calling himself Mr.Delhi or something. but really pretty-clean-i-woul-make-a-pretty-girl type cute. Poor guy, he  was stuck with some dumb girl,maybe he was dumb too, dunno, didn’t see much. Another show that is fun is ‘Lux Perfect Bride’, where you need to choose a partner for yourself from a bunch of girls and guys, and they have meeting and everything ot know each other better, but now the show is close to end so there are 2 couples that are already sure of their choices and one lame couple who have no bonding but still holding onto the show in some hope of a magical moment, so now much on the show is about their parents fighting and all. Oh yes, the mother-in-laws are also part of the show and live with the girls to observe and select, so now the girls moms have also arrived and they are all fighting. :) It’s actually a bit of the ugly truth about the arranged marriages and unreasonable expectations that are attached to 2 people marrying. Everybody wants their piece.

Later sis came home soon and then we were chit chatting. It was good. I took a late bath around 11:30pm coz I didn’t want to take it in the morning i.e 5:45 am. Then we all were again chit chatting until 1:30 am and finally decided to call it a day. I slept ok I guess, but woke up in next 5 hours (at 6 am), so it was ok.

Right now, I’m feeling bloated like a balloon, my stomach is a visible proof of it  and I have a fast today. Don’t know if I should keep it though, but if I can’t tolerate it and it gets bad then will eat. But then again, who decided what is bad enough to break the fast? me ? how? we’ll see, some grumbling noises can be heard already..

Btw I just noticed, my titles are not-so-good na? What do you think?  and yes, How’ve you been doing? 

P.S:  Haven’t spoken to New Guy since last fight thing, intentionally and effortlessly. It’s ok.

Life Updates…

{ November 29, 2009 @ 7:27 pm } · { Blogroll, Interesting, dating, feelings, friends, habits, interpret, life, love, music, personal, random, realtionships, secrets, sex, thoughts, weddings, work, writing }
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I haven’t been talking about what’s been happening recently for a while. So, here’s all that has been going on.

Okay, last that I remember was a big time venting and full of ranting post on how the hell I hated New Guy and was going not going to get manipulated into his ways. So that story ended by me telling him that we can only be friends and no way is this even getting anywhere. As expected he was all no-no and not agreeing but I was adamant. I was very clear about it all and then he had no option. lol! I stopped the late night talks and early morning calls. I was still speaking to him few times in the day, but he was all boohoo and sent me a message saying that he was feeling deserted. Ya right!! I wasn’t falling for the trap this time. yay! for that :) . This is making me feel so sensible and grown up and less idiot! :) Then I did speak to him late night for a few times(i think 3) last week and none of it was anywhere close to anything cozy, all friends stuff. Last night he did say that he was feeling something, but I totally put the logic into it all and made him believe it that it was only because he was relating it our earlier talks and it okay and with time he would get over it.

Today I had a fight with him, I think that’s what it was, atleast from my end. Now I was back from this crappy date, actually not even worth calling it a date (more on that below) and he was somewhere near my place with his brother(who’s getting married in 10 days) and I asked him if we can catch up for coffee. First he tells me that my bro is with me, so you decide. When I said ‘we could go for coffee, but I don’t know your brother so you ask him’, then he said ‘My brother is saying it’s too late and not decent to meet at this hour (9:30pm) and it would get late too’. WTF!! If you don’t want to come/ can’t come, then be a man and say so, you don’t put the other person feel like they have no sense of decency and no home and they are like street people who go anywhere with anyone. I would have slapped that guy if he was in front of me.  I told him to not teach me what decency is and got to hell (or something like that).

You know this thing that I was saying about expectations from others, see here it is, I expected him to consider that I’ve been taking all his crap and been so nice to him and should come atleast for sometime. And also his brother, New Guy and me keep talking about him a lot, all the wedding stuff and all, so I expected him to be at least friendly, but he’s teaching me what decency is. What do you think I am? I mean really? If you ask a friend for coffee when you’re not feeling very good or even just like that, then does it make you indecent?? Bloody idiotic and conservative and I don’t want to be rude but I don’t get it. The last message that I sent him was ‘plz don’t call or text me’. Loser! Being diplomatic/making me feel stupid when he doesn’t have the guts to make an effort/own up that he doesn’t want to make an effort. Is this what friends/dating type all night talking people are for? Get their entertainment/time / someone to listen to them and talk when they’re free, but when they need to make some effort, then we need to be decent. F*** Off!

 

Now the Crappy date whatever the hell it was..

I got talking to this guy I met on chat sometime on last Monday I think. He sounded ok and we were from the same community(doesn’t matter, just mentioning) and we chatted for sometime and shared pics and then he said he’s a pilot and working with Kingfisher Airlines and all good stuff and I’m new to Delhi. So I believed him and then we exchanged numbers and I accidently didn’t save his number (lol! :) ) coz I was rushing for the guitar class (sounds so cool! yay! ). So he texted me the next day with his name, so I saved the number and replied him. We spoke on phone once and he was extremely humourous and telling his funny experiences, so it was okay, except he was all like too personal on questions and he’s like we should go for a drive and booz. ya sure! I was so taken aback that how can someone be so shameless and pathetic. Anyways I laughed away all that and said we would meet sometime later for coffee and he was in shock or something, as if I’ve asked him to sleep with me when we meet the first time or what, actually I think that wouldn’t have surprised him. Weirdo! Anyways, I was still thinking that its okay, let me give the guy a chance, at least meet him, you never know he’s actually good. What was I thinking? with my luck.. hmmph! So we spoke again on Friday and then he almost was after my life for meeting him anywhere but not coffee. strange na?? Very ya! I was all no-no. I said its only coffee or nothing! he agreed after much blah-blah-. He’s explanation was that coffee meets are too formal. what a jerk and horrible explanation??? To be honest I was curious and was hoping that he might be good (maybe the pilot thing was influencing!). So today evening I asked him what the plan, after much confusion and all we planned to meet near my place and there also happens to be a Cafe near by, so I told him to park his car and we can meet him, and then he started almost screaming that I don’t want to sit and have coffee. I told him to stop shouting and that I was coming. We met in his car and you won’t believe, he didn’t even look at me. And he was so not the person in the picture. He was totally different!! I got so freaked out! he was also almost 29-30 years old, whereas he told me 24. F***. I sat in the car, looked at him and said hi, and went cold. All I could think was please let me get back home safe today. shit man! imagine he lied about the pic, his age, god knows if he was married!! Hell! he definitely looked married! shit man! So he started driving and I was like where are we going? he didn’t seem at all new to the roads, he took onto this lane that is less busy and good for drive type.. eww!! and I was thinking god-help-me!!! Funny thing is he didn’t look at me also!! not even once, he was driving and looking in front and talking. strange uncle? that’s his name ’strange uncle’. :) hahaha. so he never looked at me. And he has this theory about all special friends he has, i made it very clear that we can only be friends, I think at that point I told him so that he wouldn’t try anything funny and which I will totally take back now. I am not at all going to have anything to do with strange-uncle. Then within 2 minutes of drive I said ‘its become quite late right’ (it was 8:35pm) and he said yes let me drop you home and took a U-turn. Thank god. but again strange!! He safely dropped me home and even funny he wouldn’t look at me while saying bye too!! haahhaa.. Psycho strange uncle!! thank you god I’m home safe!! seriously!! I was in shock! How can someone be such a liar? And I even confirmed his age with him, and he’s like I’m 23 will turn 24 now, liar, earlier he had told me 24, will turn 25. Liar!!  and I told him that he looked much older, like 29-30. hahaha… But seriously ya, fuck man!!It was so creepy!! I am still partly in shock.. and everyone at home is all giggle-giggle abou it.. lol! :)   I swear am never going to believe these people online until I check their orkut/fb . Seriously dude!! Creepy! freaky!! Now you see why I asked New Guy for coffee?? I needed to come back to reality, that was not so ugly! But I couldn’t tell him all this na!

Apart from the ridiculous boys stuff, last Friday I attended my college fren A’s engagement party. We did our college together and she was always borrowing money from me and never returning on time. I was more of a friend to her, but I never sort of trusted her like 200% .We also lived together in flats for 2 years. So ya we were close and knew much about each other, but then she has never been of much a friend in need to me and I was always that for her. and i’m totally ok with that too, sometimes you mean more to others than they mean to you. We have been living in the same city but haven’t met since a year (guilty)  but we talked and all. Now her family is all conservative and all, about same caste and early marriage of girls. She had her profile on some matrimony portal and this guy contacted her and she like the profile and earning and all and she felt it was more that she deserved. She was like he doesn’t look so good though. Now she didn’t meet the guy until 1 day before the engagement and she didn’t like him one bit. She called me and I tried to convince her that good looks and happiness are not related and all. But when I saw the guy, oh god! he looked like 10 years older to her and dark and fat and so not deserving. I was shocked, but she was upset so we(me and ‘B’) tried to make her feel its ok and all, make her laugh through the pics. It was terrible! She could have got an average looking guy also, but he was actually bad. I was so sorry for her. But hope there is something good in store and she finds happiness in life. She was going on saying about how she can say no anytime. don’t know what will happen there. Btw I wore a pink saree and looked gorgeous. :) really! a little chubby, you know arms and tummy, but very pretty!! I love to say this and not cute. yay!!!

That’s been pretty much all. Somethings about work from past week too, but I’m too upset that it Monday again and can’t get myself to mention ‘work’ more than I already have, I feel I will start crying anytime. See the shock that idiotic creep has left. God! I’m so sensitive right now, even a mouse could make me shriek! I know its funny!!! :) but true!

Quite a week! lol!!   

 PS: was listening to few sad songs and now have moved to little upbeat type. Sounds like I’m getting out of shock. lol!! :)  

 

How not to have expectations from anyone?

{ November 29, 2009 @ 6:00 pm } · { Blogroll, Interesting, feelings, habits, interpret, life, love, personal, random, realtionships, secrets, thoughts }
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How can you feel love, care or just any feeling and not have any expectations from the other person? Selfless is what it is called right? How do you do it? I have no clue, and just like some saying in Buddhism ‘our expectations are the cause of our sufferings’ and it’s all so true for me.

Leave alone the people I know, love and are close to me, even with people I don’t know, sometimes I develop this sense of attachment and I’m so happy/sad for them and then when I don’t get a response from the other person, it’s so hurting. I know, it’s all my mind and my feelings and expectations, but hello, some good words, some respect wouldn’t hurt them either right?

I should really stop this. It’s so self destructive and hurting.

Now another thing is, how do I stop feeling something that I am. how do I go subtle on my feelings? How do I not express what I feel? That’s who I am, if not expressing I’m nothing, how do I not be me?

I just start expecting so much, as in even little things that I expect, like people making some effort for me, listening to me, doing something i want to, even the smallest of things, and if they don’t do then i’m hurt. really! Its hurting and then I show a little temper and the other person is confused and I have to explain that it felt betraying that I feel/think/do so much but you don’t even consider, and then it all sounds like I’m trying to balance or even out what I do and what you do. Crap!!

I should really stop! How? Really How?? It’s like disease with no meds…:(

Stop beating around the bush

{ November 22, 2009 @ 5:17 pm } · { Blogroll, Interesting, dating, feelings, friends, habits, interpret, life, love, personal, random, realtionships, secrets, sex, thoughts, work, writing }
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that’s just exactly what I need right now. I so need to clear my head and actually realize and know ‘What I really want?’ How much ever time it takes, I need to know this. I don’t care, if I spend 5 years trying to know it. Actually that’s too much time, but considering it took me 2 years to get over the hangover of a 3years serious relationship and sometimes I still ask myself that ‘Am I over it totally? How can I be sure?’, so I think I don’t mind 5 years. What I mind is ‘not knowing?’ , the confusion in your head, the analysis, the million questions and no answers. I mind that, I don’t want that. I’m not the person who can live in doubts, I’m clear as a crystal, here or there, I am what you see, I will tell you what I am, I am not, not at all ‘what I’m not’. I can’t be that, I can’t keep thinking ’is this me?’ about everything I do, I can’t keep questioning my wants and likes, it will bruise my soul, my beliefs, my heart. And somewhere I feel that it already has, a little bit.

I need to stop here.

Breathe! Be with myself and know myself and love every bit of it. I can’t move ahead without it, not even one step, maybe a few steps back if it takes, but not ahead.

I’m talking about matters of the heart and relationships.

 

I thought I was okay with this dating, but its all so uncomfortable. Maybe its just the wrong person I’ve met, but I really don’t know what I want. And how do I know this? well, listen to read more if you’re not tired of my ranting yet.

I have no feelings for him, yet I talk to him early mornings and late nights and message him through the day.

I like to spend time with him, I like the feeling, but I don’t like it later. later if I check his pics on facebook I don’t feel nice, I’m like ‘really? with this guy?’

I hate that he is dominating, but I go along with it. I don’t stop him. i talk when i don’t want to. Yesterday, I had a bad cold and headache and he kept talking till 4am and I mentioned couple of times that I got a bad headache and he’s like ‘aww baby’ and would start again. He knows I  go to work early 7am and when I remind him he says 5 min more and then being inconsiderate as ever, he goes on till another hour. I talk too, but hello? what about a little consideration? I’ve been sleeping  4-5 hours average over the past few weeks. Fuck man! and all this is when I don’t even feel for him. He’s bloody manipulative. I hate manipulative.

 

I always feel he has that temperament of keeping the balance equal on both sides. He can’t go and do something and not expect anything from me. I get that feeling. can’t think of anything particularly, but you know na, when there’s this feeling of there has to be a give for every take. What if we’re not in a relationship? Can’t you just not expect so much. it’s pressurizing now. and I’m taking all this . Shit man!

 

Then there’s this whole thing about how he wants to get into my pants. Well I might have started the flirting and maybe also little stuff, but hello wait for the girl to get comfortable. He keeps talking about it on the phone and then I’m like I don’t want to say much so i listen and he’s like you don’t respond. What? How can you expect me to get into the same place that you are at? and if not then you’re annoyed and i explain. no! Not at all! I won’t ! I don’t owe you any explanation!

I think he just doesn’t posses any basic mannerism and I’m not going to teach him. Coz I care a damn!

Even if we’re being just dating type, you need to respect and behave and not make me feel like I’m here for something that is not decent and that you can persist me into anything.

I need to stop here. And know what I want. BUt this isn’t anywhere close to what I want i know for sure. Am just going to talk to him now. hope I’m not screaming and he understands and we can be friends. if not the F*** it all.

phew! that feels good now. I know too much personal stuff, but hey thats why this space exists. It’s global, yet personal to me.

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