Archive for family

what I’m at right now..

{ November 21, 2009 @ 10:18 am } · { Blogroll, Interesting, dating, dreams, family, feelings, friends, habits, interpret, life, love, personal, random, realtionships, secrets, thoughts, weddings, work, writing }
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Firstly sorry for the delay in posts…but please believe me work has been too much lately..too much.. n not that I feel obliged to blog.. but I like to post and when I don’t I feel I owe an apology to myself too, for not letting these thoughts out..and keeping my mind buzzing with them..

So, whats been going on?

Plenty of work! My senior was moved to a new project and then I am taking care of few important projects and there hasn’t been any transition or anything, but it seems like I’m doing much of what she did, but without any training. So what do you expect? yes, Im nervous and confused and also want to prove myself, but then the self-doubt creeps in and all gets confusing. I start questioning if i can or can’t and then feel like a 100 eyes are on me and what I do now will decide how my career takes shape from here on.

I really want it all to work out. I want someone to train me on all the tactics and do’s and don’t, how to handle situations, what decisions to take and then I will do all the right things and come out as shining star. But I know that everything cannot be found in guidebooks and experience teaches you these things, but I also don’t want to fail at attempting and get steps behind, instead of ahead.

What I find most difficult is to have 100% confidence on my decisions, coz I don’t have any reference to look at and say that this is right. I feel confused if this is right or not and then it shows.

I’ve been carrying the office laptop and after work at office, I even take up work at home and then yesterday I was on PTO, but landed up working entire day(except  for the relief of waking up late) and even carried the laptop to my friend (actually sis’s best friend’s ) engagement party, where it died when I was just about to send status mail and thank god it did, coz when I got back home I found some problems and then i finally sent out the status at 2:45am.  Today is off, but we have migrations so I will be working for 2 hours in evening. There is this other girl in my team, so after my senior left, we both are left with the work. Even earlier my senior never did any work only management, and now I have to do management and also work. I sometimes feel that I’m much better of a ‘do all the work’ than ‘manage all the work’. I mean I can do 10 things myself, but giving it to someone else and feeling relieved and sure that they would do it right is difficult, so I end up doing most of it myself. So this other girl ‘D’ in my team, I have been doing most of the work so that she is not blogged with too much and doesn’t get too overloaded. I know, that is not a good management trait, but then can’t help it.

Appraisal’s coming along in December. *fingers crossed*

Apart from work, after few days of restricted talking, I have resumed late night talks with New Guy. There was too much stuff around what we should restrict and how and all, so I said forget everything we’ll just see how it goes. I’ve stopped the morning calls though and that should be good, coz it was getting too much. With all this work havoc going on, it feels good to talk to someone who will listen and talk sweetly and you know. It’s like a stress relief thing. It takes your mind to a different place, even if for sometime only. don’t know how far I should take this, but one thing is for sure, neither of us have any feelings type stuff for each other. actually, we both are in such similar places in our lives, that we know how it is and we want the same things too, ok, he might be thinking a little ahead, but what the heck na.

That’s whats happening right now. Phew!!! good to get it all out!

Howz u???

Even nothings are something..

{ November 15, 2009 @ 2:05 pm } · { Blogroll, Interesting, dating, dreams, family, feelings, friends, interpret, life, love, personal, random, realtionships, secrets, thoughts, writing }
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I’ve decided I’m not dating New Guy anymore. Hope all of you who wanted this are happy now!… sorry for being so spiteful* just all this seems so much more fucked up that what it actually is, and to say the truth its pissing me off that why the hell did this get so much attention when it isn’t even worth and by ‘attention’ I mean from others and not myself.

Anyways, so New guy and me have always been out on dats/brief meetings on late evenings (not intended just coincidence) and sis is so pissed with him after the first time experience and also after he kina showed her a mood swing(I hATE that about him). So everytime we went out we were always late, always, and I’m aware that I am also responsible for it, but then he should’ve also been keen on this and he wasn’t and I didn’t push it either (because I enjoyed being with him). All this pissed off mom and because she dosen’t know him she got really cross at me. Now last night also, after all the embarrassing thing happened we were bloody late and when I reached home mom strictly told me that I will not meet this guy unless I want to marry him, which is obviously ‘NO’. And sis who has been behaving like an ass also gave me so much crap, that why was going in the evenings with him and why was I causing so much trouble for something that didn’t mean anything to me, nothing important.

I agree, why would I make my family trouble because of someone I so clearly know means nothing to me? But whatever happened to making your own choices and deciding for yourself ? And the thing is that New guy is not at all important enough that I fight over ‘Why can’t I see this guy, I will do what I want’ stuff, but still, who decides what you want to do in your life?

I know they’re just concerned about what if I get caught up into emotions and stuff and that too with a guy who isn’t so good for me. But I don’t understand, I’m just having fun, why would you not let me go out and live life and have me sit here and spend my weekends at home when I can be out and enjoy my time. I understand that sometimes in the way thing are ou get carried away and cross limits, but if you never let me walk the line and tie my legs then how do I know where I have to crossover and where to stop? You need to learn from your mistakes and for that you need to live.

 

Now I’m confused about what should I tell New Guy. I’ll ask him to be friends and I know it sucks but that’s al I can say right now. He will probably feel that it’s because of yesterday’s thing, but I’m not explaining. I don’t feel anything for him, yet I don’t want to hurt him. Just yesterday he was saying that he knew he wasn’t the kina guy that I wanted in my life, so I think it won’t be so difficult for him. Its just that this all is happening because others want it and not because I want to. If given a chance I would’ve stopped it all myself, when I would find someone better. But now it’s so shitty.

 

That’s what I mean when I say ‘even nothings mean something’. New Guy and me are nothing, just getting to know each other, no emotional bonding, no feelings(from me atleast) and yet this all is so much complicated. Hell!

 

One more thing that is troubling me the most is ‘how am I gonna meet someone new now?’ hahah.. I know but honsetly, like I have said earlier its very difficult to find guys here, good guys. Back to finding someone new again.. :) Coz I want to be there, in the game and not outside on the bench watching. I want to know people and see what all I can take what all others take me like. Maybe this is a good thing, coz somehow I had stopped making effort to look around since I met New Guy.

 

Cheers!

P.S:  am feeling much lighter and relieved after putting this here. And somehow even getting the feeling on ‘moving on’. Nice!!

If you know what I mean..

{ November 14, 2009 @ 9:51 pm } · { Blogroll, Interesting, dating, dreams, family, feelings, friends, interpret, life, love, music, personal, random, realtionships, secrets, sex, thoughts, writing }
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I mean to tell you all about how I got where I am today i.e in the dating scene, but considering what happened today (read to end), I’m not to be blamed if things go off track.

 

So, here’s the thing, I was in a 3 years full-time selfless-you-are-my-all relationship and it ending up with me being scared of how seriously I get involved and how that is so not good for me.

 

Now what these kind of things do to you is, either take away your belief  from existence of love or leave you doubting yourself so much so, that you don’t even trust what you decide with open eyes and in sense, it feels like everything you decide will be wrong in the end.

 

As you might have guessed, I got into the second catagory.It all left me feeling stupid, so stupid that I couldn’t see that you always have to keep your mind opens to possibility that ‘this isn’t going to work’, especially when I could clearly see what I wanted was so different from what I had. I fell in love. Selfless, I planned my life around him, I believed that he filled that void in my life which was waiting for a man to come and take care of me. I loved him so much that it became difficult to love myself, coz these two parts of me wanted different things in life. i did understand that if I can’t make myself happy then I won’t be able to make anyones happy either.

 

We always come out of anything, only after leave something behind and taking something new. But when you leave a part of your belief on love or self-trust / confidence behind, it takes time..

I became frustrated with relationships, it hurt, I left it all. I even became the one who would always make fun of these couples in love and their shy and romantic behaviour. This continued for almost 2 year, until I started to feel that I’m missing something, being normal, being able to mingle with people, be what a 24-year-old should be.

I thought about it and though I was ok to go on into it all.. again… I met someone and started dating him. Things were all good till we met, and then every time we meet something was happening, something that I wouldn’t like. And then I go ahead and give it another chance. Maybe I’m ignoring what is going on in front of me, because I want it to right and why I want that is also very confusing cause it seems that I’m holding onto this one because I want to make sure that I have forgotten the past and moved on. It’s like a self-assurance I needed to convince myself. But I also wanted to check how this was, you know maybe get back the lack of trusting my own judgement, but maybe I found the wrong guy for it all.

 

What Happened today:

It’s too embarrassing to even say, so I won’t. But I saw something beautiful turn ugly, withing seconds.   And this time there is no ignoring it, coz it can’t be ignored. I have to decide on whether this will go on or not and the thing is that I don’t have nothing positive against all the  negative stuff. Nothing! and yet I’m thinking of how will it be to be back ? same i guess.. And even without any emotional stuff involved  this seems complicated. I thing I will end it all, even though we’re not in any trouble now, but still. It’s sad. Mom and sis are both against him/

Sad! also sad songs going on itunes..

Pulling the reins

{ November 9, 2009 @ 10:42 am } · { Blogroll, Interesting, dating, family, feelings, friends, habits, interpret, life, love, personal, random, reading, realtionships, secrets, sex, thoughts, work, writing }
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It’s funny how you know it all and yet there’s so less you can do to get it right.

I, for one, am too honest, about how I feel, who I am, what I like and what I don’t. I get so honest that I don’t even filter if teh the other person deserves or is trsut worthy of my honesty or not. This puts me in trouble, a lot of times.

Recently, with New Guy, after the last irritating incident I gave him a good blast over the phone. We spoke on the same night and after advice from friends, who said I should make him realize his mistake, I told him he was loosing his manners and treating me like I’m one of his home friends. He said he didn’t realize he was behaving so selfishly and then said sorry. He also said thanks for making him realize his mistake. ?? I didn’t get this at all. Anyways I was really mad and told him to talk about something else and we spoke for another hour or so (now I’m thinking I did too much talking and will lessen it all). He kept on saying sorry whenever he found the chance.

Then, you won’t believe this, he slept off on the phone while talking to me. WTF!!

He’s done this a few times before and then it was all too funny to get pissed off on, but this time it was too much. I simply disconnected the call and sent him a message that he slept off on the phone. He called up within 2 minutes and when I confronted him, first he clearly denied, then he’s like ‘yaa I don’t know why this happens to me’ .. happens to me?? Dude you slept off, it didn’t happen, you made it happen.. WTF!! When did I start become a magnet to guys with zero traits of mannerism and total ‘I don’t why this happens’ jerks?? God save me! I was super pissed off! I told him to sleep off if he’s sleepy and not do this again.

The next day I didn’t reply to his 2 goodmorning messages. Yes, I became the pathetic ‘goodmorning baby’ & ‘goodnight baby’ ass for a while, no more of that crap anymore. *smirkn at myself* lol! Anyways, so called him sometime in the evening and only spoke for a brief 2 minutes and then nothing. At night I spoke to him only like a friend,all casual stuff and no ‘baby’ stuff . Eww.. wats wrong with me!! He was again said sorry many times, I didn’t say its ok or anything. It wasn’t.  And now I was seriously considering putting an end to this lame attempt at dating and casual nonsense. I mean this was supposed to be fun and enjoyment and now all it was giving me was frustation and anger.. again WTF! Anywhow, then he called me early morning when I was still sleeping and I spoke to him for 10 min in my sleep where he was all baby and stuff but I didn’t respond. I called him after I woke up and told him that I didn’t remember anything. lol!

Later in the eveing, I so wanted to go out, you know somewhere with friends type or something and I was going out with sis and bro for some shopping so I replied to his text that if he wanted to go for a drive. He was all suprised and like yes sure sweety, my pleasure. So I told him to call me @ 8 and I’ll tell him where I am. Now isn’t that clear? You need to be nearby so can tell you where to pick me up from. So much for common sense, I reached home at 8:30 and called him to ask where he was and he was at his home.. WTF!! for the nth time. I was like what?? and then I was about to tell him that this is too much and we shouldn’ t be dating or talking anymore or something and it felt like he’s taking me way to for granted. Then he was like I’m coming to meet you. I said fine, coz I really wanted to meet him, I mean after talking so much on the phone and all the nonsense, you do feel like meeting and something in reality right? I know I’m sounding like an ass but what the heck.. its true.. So he came to pick me and then we went for a drive. He was looking very sulky, but i guess guys master that as the first few theings once they start dating, you know, how to look puppy type, in need of love and care.  Like every sweet girl my anger also melted away by looking at him and this is inspite of knowing that it was all all fake. Anyhow, we moved a little ahead and then instead of sitting into some crowded cafe decided on driving around, which I so was into because I knew what would follow. We talked about it and I told him that I didn’t feel good about it all and that I shouldn’t feel like this because we’re not into anythign so serious andits all supposed to be fun,  but there should not be any disrespectful behavior as that would make me feel cheap and I hate that. He said sorry many times and then we moved along, he showed off a little with his fast driving, which btw I totally like (I know teenage like.. but what to do. can’t help). So then he stopped 9as if I din’t know that) and we made out, like not too much but mostly kissing and a few hicky’s *Blush*. Then we moved along and took 2 cigrattes and smoked them while talking and I asked him for one honest confession and he made a big confession that he lies about where he lived coz he didn’t like that place, but I didn’t miind coz many of my friends live where he lives and its all in his head that its not good and all. It wasa bit shocking but he was feeling so relieved after telling me.. So cute.. God! Cute?? but it was.. I’m again behaving like an ass…should  stop now.

So next we moved back home around 11pm, where I got a hellof a scolding for having no sense and going out late with some guy that I hardly know and blah blah.. I know all this stuf.. but when you’re doing it then it dosen’t seem to reach your ears.. lol!

25 Random things about me – Continued 2

{ November 6, 2009 @ 5:06 pm } · { Blogroll, Interesting, art, dating, dreams, family, feelings, friends, habits, interpret, life, love, music, personal, random, reading, realtionships, secrets, thoughts, work, writing }
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Continuing from the last number .

I was on #45 then.. so

46. I find myself in ‘feet in my mouth’ situation quite often. I seriously need to know when to shut up. It’s not like I talk too much all the time, but at times when I start talking and people start responding well, like listening and enjoying then I go beyond a limit and say things I wouldn’t have otherwise ever said.

47. I love to talk, like a good conversation even healthy arguments (typical libra).

48. I am super jealous of I-never-workout-or-diet-coz-I-have-naturally-high-metabolism-and-slim-bone-structure females and males too.. ‘uber jealous!

49. I am a miser. I actually don’t spend much, but when I do its only on good stuff.

U know wat..let me go back and check my previous random posts, I don’t wanna repeat anything.. okay I’m also trying to get popular..and its for the benefit of the newcomers.. :)

2009/02/26/25-random-things-about-me

2009/04/08/25-random-things-about-me-continued

49. There have been times when I couldn’t get the lyrics of some english songs I have gone to google the lyrics. Don’t know if this happens to others or just me ?

50. I like to get appreciated.. I like it a lot! I know this is like common, but sometimes I go beyond my way to keep it that way, like #46, also sometimes when helping someone and they start saying good things about me and then ask for some help that I know will be little extra than what I can do, I go ahead take the pain and help them. This is so much like ‘Joey’ in FRIENDS episode, where Rachel and Joey kiss in Hawaii and he has to tell Ross about it, but Ross goes on about how good a friends Joey has been and then Joey lands up not uttering a word about him and Rachel at all.

51. I have dreamed about working and living independently in an apartment (New York please) alone since I was in 9th standard, but now I seriously doubt if I’ll be able to manage it all.

52. Many a times I idealize something I want so much that everything else seems not enough. Its happened from shopping items to boys.

53. I like listening to music really loud. Right now listening to

‘I don’t hook up’- Kelly Clarkson. I so identify with this one and also looked up the lyrics of this one :)

‘Done all wrong’ – new moon. This is alight weird, but I like the dark vampire theme in background.

54. When I like a song, I go on listening to it on repeat for days. Then I move to something else.

55. Actually this happens with other stuff too, fav pair of jeans, scandals, cardigan, muffler.. hmm.. I exhaust the hell out of what I like.. ;) Hope there are no side effects to this..I know there may be..let’s look at the bright side for now. :)  

56. I actually think I can sing well, but I also know better. But this thought that if you get proper training and all then maybe I could have. I’m not that bad now either.

57. I am a very responsible person. How? I have waking up at 5:30am for 2 years now for my job, which as you know is not much my passion. Just imagine if I were into something I loved doing..

58. I feel I’m very vulnerable person and really try hard to hide that, to show I’m strong and don’t care, but I don’t think it works much coz I still find myself in a position where I am feeling bad but not showing it but the other person doesn’t even realize it. Recent incident will be quoted in second post for the night.

59. I haven’t been religious since college, but now started fasts on Thursdays and it makes me feel good. Some peaceful feeling.

60. Much of the times I wish I had a more clear and forgiving heart. Really I wish.

61. People who know less about me seem to be more impressed with me and not so much when they get to know me better. I think so. Maybe I seem all sensible and serious know-it-all-in-control type, until they know how much confusion happens in this mind of mine.

61. I love my family. Just sometimes I think I get selfish and then mix miser into it, so I stop them from some expenditure but do the same for myself.

I think enough for today…

Hope you’al like it.. see I want to be liked.. I guess everybody does..

I like to move it..hahaha.. ‘everybody does’ triggered that one..

Sweet November…

{ November 2, 2009 @ 3:22 am } · { Blogroll, Interesting, dating, dreams, family, feelings, friends, habits, health, interpret, life, love, personal, random, thoughts }
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Its beginning of a new month, and although this keeps happening thoughout the year, I’m a little excited about this one in particular..

Reasons are many, so bullet points will be needed

*I use them so often, its like when in my exams I always felt the need that my answer should not be right, but easy to read and the points I’m making should get across in the best way*

- 2 friends getting engaged this month… dresses, party, all the friends marriage excitement begins

- will have an appraisal meet this month, I’m definitely hoping for a promotion *fingers crossed* and a hefty raise too.. yay!!

 - Winters!!! colorful socks, beautiful stoles, chiselled cheeks, cozy beds… lots of warm cups of tea.. love it all!

- Also, some weird/good intuition that something good is coming my way..its good to be hopeful

- I’m hitting the gym again from today.. loosing all that baby (and adult) fat.. really i have bulging tummy now.. and .. let me stop here..

 -  Also, I see many party type plans happening, ol fren n me decided we needed some catching up(okay i decided, he agreed) so plans for movie-lunch-talk n more talk coming soon, engaged n to be engaged fren ‘B’ also require a round of  drinks and lots of talk, another cute guy from my raftn trip also met me online and was asking(himself okay) to make some party plans.. too bad he’s not single, maybe he’ll get a few of his hot single friends, and last and I think the least will be meeting New Guy’s friends soon i guess, spoke to one of them and he was all for clubbing, btw he’s on a vacation right now with friends. just like that info.. lol!

- Maybe, just maybe, might get to start with guitar passion again.. hope so, want to

- Life seems to be moving, maybe even talking a good turn, I’m hoping.. this month would bring around some deserved and great changes.. pray ok!

What’s your plan for the month guys??

Emotions and Bonds *edited title*

{ October 28, 2009 @ 5:47 am } · { Blogroll, Hobbies, Interesting, art, books, dreams, family, feelings, friends, habits, interpret, jazz, life, love, music, personal, random, reading, realtionships, secrets, thoughts, work, writing }
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There are so many meanings to this word ‘bonding’, but what comes first to your mind?

For me, my thoughts run to emotional bonds, bonds of love, bonds of friendship, bongs of adoring, bonds of caring.

Emotions always intrigue me to think more, observe more, see through what appears and what lies beneath, know why you feel a particular way and why not? There’s so much to it and I want to see it, know it. I think that’s why I’m so fond of emotional movies too, like Love Aaj Kal, When Harry met Sally, Jerry Maguire, Wake up Sid, Forest Gump(absolute Fave, I’ll watch it a million times, I think I already know most of the dialogues), Big Fish, Never been Kissed, Made of Honor (Love this, actually love Tom too;) ),P.S. I Love You(awww I cried twice in the first I watch).. and the list can go on. 

Keeping to the original thoughts ‘Emotions and Bonding’. I love to bond, I love the feeling, like you connect, literally like you can sense the existing of this thread that connects you and another person. It feels like you know this something exists and only you can feel this and share this thread/bond, its unique, its only for you too, irreplaceable, absolutely ir-reproduceable. It’s a great feeling!

It might seem that I’m making too much out of a small and very common part of human nature and existence, but,  if you actually stop and think about it, you’ll know that every bonding you share with every person on this earth is so unique. It’s like its your own exclusive antique collection, nowhere else to be found on the earth. Thrilling na! 

I share different kinds of bonding with so many people and this is when I’m not a very social person, so I’m so sure you’all would also have many such bondings…do share…

Friendship Bonding -  Here also there are many types..

I have friends I share a total masti type bonding, we connect on how to have fun and what you find fun. It’s cool! As soon as I say ‘I really enjoy sitting at Nescafe till late nights and sipping coffee’ and the other person says ‘me too’, click, there’s a bonding. Then I have a few friends who might not know much about my personal life and vice-versa, and also we don’t feel there is anything missing if we don’t share it, coz what we’re bonding over is FUN!

There are friends I can talk to for hours without even having to stop for a second to collect what to talk about next. I love this bonding too, the Talk-Talk type, hey! that’s a nice one, I’ll call this ‘Talk-Talk bonding’. It feels so good to be able to say everything in your mind, in fact I think I share this bonding with my blog as well. :) I love this blog space!! I’m a working software engineer adult! Believe me!/? lol!

Another very unique bonding in friendship is that comes from books & reading. I love this one too. Now I may not know much fancy authors and I usually stick to popular fiction stuff until this last time I went to Connaught Place and picked up random books whose summary seemed interesting from a second-hand books shop (if anyone want to know, it’s the Book corner next to Plaza) and it made me feel all like ‘great reading taste and stuff type’ and the books were all good too (see my novels I’ve read links on right hand). I love to talk about the writing skills and how you interpret these words and how the other person feels about it, and the great thing about this bonding is that it exists even if the ideas you have are totally different, like opposites. It actually excites me to know that a person could find a piece so contrasting to how I felt and interpreted it. I find this different mind and thoughts type stuff quite interesting. I should have so gone into psychology. ‘The bloody list of  Should’s ’ again. Hey next post on this, or maybe a book? You’ll read na..?

And another unique bonding I can think of is the ‘Altering bonding’, this happens that you may connect every time on a different thing, not like every time, but like frequently. And I think this one leads to one of the best friendships you have. I love friendships. I love to care, be cared for, to share, to confess, to console… awww… I’m all aww type now, *back to normal please, I’m in office remember!*

Also, yes I missed the ‘Confess All bonding’, there are some people you feel you can say anything to and they will not judge you for it. I confess to sis and I love her for not judging me, although her love for baby sis does surface and she advices me a little later, but never judges me. Another friend ‘S’ I used to confess to, but now things have gone sour, she was in Delhi and I called her to meet up, then she got busy and left without even talking and then I saw he status on Facebook reading that ‘if we just accept people the way they are no one would end up loosing friends’ and I knew that was for me. She doesn’t consider me her ‘confess all friend’ anymore, or even just a friend. It makes me sad. Really! I lost one very unique bond from my collection and with a  lot of pain in my heart!  But I don’t think about it much as it has been like this for a while now.

Other Bonding -  Now I didn’t want ot put there something like ‘Love Bonding’ or something, coz I feel the source of all the above and next to come bonding is Love is some way or the other.

There’s also this ‘Adoring Bonding’ that might not totally be two-sided by I’d still call it a bonding and add it to my collection please. Sometimes, you find some people so adoring, like you can just sit and watch them/listen to them/observe them. You might adore them for their beauty, intelligence, art, talent, easiness, style, arrogance. It’s so great. I observe strangers sometimes, behaving, reacting, being themselves as in their routine ways. I like to admire the everyday routine-ness of it all, the casual natural and everyday general reactions and behavior. I also adore a few more people, for the way they are or secretly for the way I wish I could be. I love to adore…love.. This bonding make you feel so warm and human (god know why I need to feel this all the time.. wat re-assurance do I want? that I’m not a dog? .. lol! On a serious note, I think I just love to feel that I have a heart. Whatever sense that makes!)

Then there is this ‘Protective Bonding’, like you just can’t help but feel so protective of the other person.. oh, this reminds me of Edward Cullen “I feel very protective of you”, do you guys notice the way his lips move up from the corners showing his fang teeth. Ooohhh… I love this decent vampire.. lol! Anyways, so yes, about feeling concern for a person, like you  know they deserve all the good and you want to make sure they get it. It may be your sibling, friend, someone else. It’s all about the concern. I have this bond for my baby bro. :)

One more interesting one I remember, I’ll call it the ‘You as Me Bonding’. You know sometimes when we feel every joy and grief of another person as it is our own. Like anything good happens to them and you start jumping like it was happening to you. Like I told you’all about this friend of mine ‘Nilu’. See me and him, we are so close, like we don’t know each other’s family troubles or other deep feelings, we do share stuff on life, aspirations, feelings, thoughts but all in general, sometimes each other’s relationship stuff also, but when he told me he’s going to New York, I was so happy. I could feel the happiness and I knew when its my turn then also I would feel something very similar. I also adore him  lot. These bonding are the type that make you feel that even if you meet the person after 10 years or talk after ages (like me and him, we have gaps of months) even then everything will be the same, nothing changes between you two. You both might change to become different people in your own lives, but when you’re together, sharing that bonding space, then everything remains as it was 10 years ago. I fee in this bonding there is also a  very strong sense of understanding and being on the same level of thinking. Yay! I have someone like that! You should too…its lovely!

I think I’ve exhausted this page.. :)

Just one more bonding space I can think of right now, ‘Interests bonding’, when you bond over interests. I know I mentioned books above, so maybe that can go over to other interest too… any hobbies you have. Mine are sketching, reading, music, dancing, travelling, writing,.. and so many.

What the hell am I doing stuck in this cubicle and popping my eyes out for hours in front of this computer??? I Should be an artistic person, I am an artistic person…

Fuck type stuff happens… I guess just being practical and getting the bills paid.. lol!

And Last but not the least, to end on a good note, I love the bonding I share with everyone who reads my blogs and has a word or two to say to me! I love it when you guys comment. It makes me feel so worthy that you take the time to say something to me! really? I mean this is a fast time and money is time, so when you stop and share, I’m honored. Also, it makes me believe a little more in myself, you know writer and all. :)

Keep the comments coming darlings!!

Late night / early morning post

{ October 25, 2009 @ 10:34 pm } · { Blogroll, Hobbies, Interesting, dating, dreams, family, feelings, friends, habits, health, interpret, life, love, music, personal, random, reading, realtionships, secrets, sex, thoughts, work }
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Yup! I’m blogging at home, but no one’s awake so it more like alone type thing. I don’t know what thing I have with blogging with not any interference, but that’s how it is. I like to acknowledge my thoughts and feelings in peace. So, let’s get to it right away then. Shall we (dance Mr.Clark)? hehhe.. couldn’t stop myself..

About my weekend, my Friday evening was spent in office, working till 9pm(from 7 am ), there was this important piece that we wanted to complete and I took to completing it, like I have been doing for te past 2 weeks with only last week as leaving on normal time except of course Friday. So I stayed and worked(this better pay off in appraisal) and then New Guy called after his work hours to talk and I was busy so we kept texting and he showed a little concern that I should eat something and stuff.  Btw my mobile bill has gone upto 3 times from that before I knew him. We talk a lot and earlier I found it all very interesting, but off late there’s not much to it. It’s ok!,  I get little bored also. We still speak a lot on the phone, also spoke till late on Friday night.

So it wasn’t confirm if we were to come to office on Saturday or not, but on Saturday morning I got a call from my manger and she’s like we’ll need you there. I was mentally prepared for it so I was okay. Also, earlier when there were talks on weekend work, I had declined saying that I will be going out with family, but when the urgency came so I said I will change my plans and come if required. hehehe. Hope my manager considers all this, what the heck? she has to bloody hell! fingers crossed! I need a promotion… No, I need a job change.. No, career change.. Now you know why I don’t like to talk about my work right?  So went to work and got stuck till 7pm and then came back home and ordered pizza(yes, pleading guilty, 10-15 min yoga through the week and then pizza weekend..*guilty*) and spoke to New Guy was also busy with a frenz wedding, so nothing much, chatted with sis and mom and off to sleep.

Now comes glorious Sunday, woke up at 12pm. Rushed to get ready with no bath and go shopping as I couldn’t think of anything I could wear on the dinner date with New Guy, which I thought would be o some real fancy place (read on for what it was). now don’t think I’m such a loser trying to impress a guy and all okay. I really couldn’t think of one thing that I had that would make me feel confident on a classy type place, I mean I have but then I had worn it to the last time we met and then I didn’t mind buying a ‘for keeps’ item to my less existent wardrobe. So  I dragged sis along, we searched this entire flea market for something exclusive(which now sounds stupid..) but found nothing, but I did land up buying these amazing gladiator heels for half than original cost. They look hot, like my type hot(will need a post on this to explain). Yay! Then we moved a much class market and I tried almost every good store but no luck. So I landed up splurging on a great bag, its super cool, not too much girly and also structured and classy, just what I like. But its little expensive so can’t take it for everyday purpose and have neatly put it back in my cupboard. lol! ( A little particluar…hehe). And you know what! all these horoscope type stuff that I have been reading for this week/month said about ‘not to indulge in splurging’. But seriously, how much can even a sane girl like me resist?  But not going to splurge more this month (only 6 days more..lol! ) and will try not to next month too (see, sane na?). And somehow this feeling of wanting new stuff has really heightened a lot in the past week or so. I never feel like this. Maybe it’s because I want to be really presentable and all in front of New Guy and that doesn’t mean pretending to be something I’m not, it’s just that I haven’t keeping myself well and like myself either. I’ve been more than lousy and looking pathetic with old and repetitive clothes and stuff. God! how much will I embarrass myself here? no more.. you got the thing na? 

After so much running around we reached home about 45min before he was to pick me. I asked him where we’re going so I can dress accordingly and he said anything casual. Now I knew it wouldn’t be so casual so I took a semi-casual look  – black sleeveless top with front bow and little deep V-neckline from mango, with open semi woollen top that I bought last week with big buttons and elbow length puffed cum roughed sleeves and dark blue jeans with my new beige gladiator heels, Also I kept the make-up minimal and clean, gloss, little blush and eye pencil. Got the picture? I thought I looked good, like maybe 8.5, no 9 out of 10. and felt confident too(most important for me). I kept him waiting for 20 min and he is so impatient he kept calling again and again, and I kept saying just 5 min. :) We left and then he started apologizing for this little tiff we had earlier in the evening when he said we should move the time ahead else he won’t be able to come. I know pathetic right? God know why I even accept this ? I gave it off to him and told him we can cancel if he wants to save his time and all. Finally he called and said sorry and said he’ll be there on our agreed time. I agreed as I wanted to go too, but not after saying a few more stuff. heheh. He apologized and then I accepted the apology when he said I could slap him and I did, not hard but little. At this time he had stopped the car on the road side of this really lonely road, so then we got a little comfy and shared a very light kiss . I liked it, but still no feelings and I like that also, although its so new for me to be with someone I don’t feel for, but honestly things seem so light, no expectations, no change in my life plans, no living up to expectations..blah.blah. I like it! for now.

Then we moved to the place he had thought, actually I had asked him to decide to see his choice and all, so yes the place was good, a five-star hotel restaurant. Nice! We started talking and then he tells me why he wanted to take me for dinner was to celebrate the new job that he’s taking up. That was sweet! a little scary like getting attached type, but sweet and seemed harmless. So we talked and ate and a few drinks (all sober) and at one point he said he wanted to kiss me and I behaved little shy type smile. Okay laugh out! Now I’m new to this unattached stuff, so I really don’t know how to react. lol!

 2 hours passed away and we made a move for home as we were already getting late. Now a little worry part, I already told him the time I need to get home by(11pm) and he didn’t pay much importance to it and said we could get a little late with traffic. I didn’t like that. I mean what does he think of me? I hope he doesn’t have any loose ideas. He better not! i’d like the guy to respect my time and limits. I clearly told him that next time I won’t get perm coz we crossed the time this time. He didn’t tak that seriously too, now next time I’m not making evening plans at all. Wait and watch! Wow ! I like this game, all calculating and no emotional stupid type behavior.

Then on the same lonely way back home, he stopped the car with some lame excuse that I was also part of and then we had some intimate moments. Nothing much and I kept reminding we should move. Again no feeling from me..yay!! but it was fun! hey, I’m still a decent girl.. just having some fun she deserves.

He dropped me home at 11:30pm, half an hour late and I spoke to him for a couple of minutes, you know, “Thanks! I had a good time”, was actually OK, but some encouragement is required..I sound like a pro at this now!!lol!

 

Next time, no late evening plans… should learn a lesson right?

 

And btw it’s been more than 1 hour I have been typing! its 3:55 am now, but good I got this all here, else I wouldn’t have the enthu to pull all details it has now.

 

Forgot to ask, how was your weekend darlings?

They say”You’re a dreamer”. True!

{ October 23, 2009 @ 6:49 am } · { Blogroll, Hobbies, Interesting, art, dating, dreams, family, feelings, habits, health, interpret, jazz, life, love, personal, random, realtionships, secrets, thoughts, work, writing }
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There’s a part of me that wants to be so much more. Much more than what I am, most of these are not really possible or lets say not practical as they’re not my ‘aim in life’, yet I keep these crazy aspirations bring thrill and excitement to me.

 

“You’re a dreamer… and when there is so much to dream and plan, who has the plan to actually go out there and do it”, I read that somewhere about Librans. Now I know that doesn’t give a very mature picture of me, but I know it’s actually true.. many times..

 

The many things that I have on my crazy list and in my (so exciting) dreams:

 

1. Be an actress - Now see I like acting and have been in theatre throughout school, but nothing after that. I also feel that I will be good if I try it. I think I should take this up sometime, maybe some theatre or something. Let’s see!

2. Learn the piano - Much achievable and not so crazy. But then I can’t seem to push myself to it. It would cost a lot and my finances are not for selfish pursuits right now. I’m not letting this get off the list anytime.

3. Have the body of a bikini babe – okay – almost! - Again, this has been on my list for sometime and I know I can do this, but if you’ve been reading you know I get super excited, get o the gym, take healthy diet, loose weight, reach almost near to being called slim and then loose interest. Started(trying) Yoga in mornings since this week, which reminds me it was chilly today morning (for me that’s 5:30am), so don’t know how this will go. But really, I want a good body and I know I have the determination to get it, but it’s just that I’ve tried and fallen off track a couple of times and all so. Let’s try again then, shall we?

4. Want to be part of a rock band - I could,  if I only knew some instrument or great vocal chords. Alas! You can only be gifted with few talents, and that too I haven’t explored yet :) Bur seriously! to imagine myself in a rock type person, all cool-headed and all you care about is how good that beat is, wow! I really appreciate people who are driven by passion, like crazy single-headed life-consuming passion!  I’m such a wanna-be na? I know.

5. Learn French language - Again doable and same reason as piano.  Although I did learn it for 2 months after my 12th exams and I still hae it kept at home, but then.. hmm… excuses?? maybe… or just there are other important things that require attention and green. Did I hear self-pity?? Nooo! Please!! (I’m saying it so probably it already exists in my mind.. fucking mind..)

6. Be a Travel show host -  I’m a eggetarian, so no non-vergetarian. Somehow I feel that is one very good reason this is on the dream list. Also, I don’t know if I would be up for this stuff. I feel I can, but I don’t know.  Time is so less, where do I start? lol!

7. Be a love and hope exuberant  person - Not like try hard and all, but you know some people are naturally like that. So giving, warm. They meet you for the first time and hug you, and you feel like you’ve always hugged them like this, for years. I want that nature, that personality! So comfortable, positive, zero awkward, always smiling, nothing bad ever brings them down. Ever! I try sometimes to bring lightness and goodness around me, but that’s not naturally there. Naturally there’s doubt, awkwardness, conscious, guarded, feeling vulnerable and other stuff. Yet I try, so cheers ya!

  

8.  Social Service - I know, I’m so contradicting everything i wrote above, but yes its true. I want to be working selflessly, being of use, making something out of this life. I want to make a change in all the things that I feel pity or helpless about. I know, big talk and no work right? But I did try once to get into voluntary street children education, but then they needed at least 8 hours a week, which was not practical, so I politely backed out. I find it better and more moral to not start something I feel I will not complete rather than start with doubts and leave in between.

Anyway, so once I was also joking to friends that I’m going to do social service and there I’ll meet a guy who is all I want. So they were like you’ll marry a guy who does only social work, so broke/minimal green type? I said, “No, I’ll find out later that he’s the heir of a royal family and is more than a billionaire, and yet he’ll be so grounded and giving. And yes, he’ll pick me and i’ll pick him too.” :)  Lol!

  

 

Enough gossip for the day or now!

As you’ve heard(read)me saying(writing) before, need to get back to work. :)

 

TC!

 

Hey … just thought of couple more stuff, but they’re all so do-able and or on my New Year resolution list, still would like to mention:

 

Non- crazy list:

- be a successful writer/author

- learn a dance form till the highest level

- get a permanent tattoo (this year.. for sure)

 

gotta go now!!!

BYE!!!!

Friends n more…*Updated*

{ October 13, 2009 @ 3:32 am } · { Hobbies, Interesting, dating, dreams, family, feelings, friends, habits, interpret, life, love, music, personal, poems, random, reading, realtionships, secrets, sex, thoughts, writing }
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 I want to start this on a good note, so lemme keep what I originally had in mind for the last.

I love this time of the year, Diwali time! The change in weather, the slight chill that catches you unprepared with no warm clothes, the goosebumps (at least I have them), the slow breeze that secretly makes your cheeks and nose tip go cold but hides away when you look around and find its non-existence with no trace of even a leaf moving with it. There is so much to do, so much to look up to.

There’s something afresh about this time of the year.

Yes, the heat is gone, the coziness comes along. Warm mugs of coffee/milk, rubbing hands to make some heat  and a wonderful excuse for couples to hold hands. There’s a feeling that winters bring along.

 

It’s like the cold outside makes my heart even more warm.

 *********Saving incomplete post.. need to get back to work.. but i really wanna tell y’all this and write this piece of my heart******************** soon ok…

 

**************************Update***********************

This time, it makes me want to stop and be. Don’t plan or rationalize, just be there, feel it.

The dry skin and cold creams (pond’s earlier), the cold feet, the geyser (actually looked spell in online dictionary and it also means “a hot spring that intermittently sends up fountain like jets of water and steam into air”), they all are so something, don’t know the word but something.

I always associate winters with long walks, there’s something so good about walking around. I remember me and ol friend, during my last year of college and he had started working, we used to walk

This is totally girl stuff.

************2nd update*****************************************

I’m sure if the same feelings aer gonna be there as compared to when I started writing this, but nevertheless, for all you wonderful people let me try yet again…..

So, where was I? yes, long walks… Ooohh I just love them. I love the chiselled cheeks and ice cold nose tip (avoid watery nose please), my cold hand and feet, the way my hair cover my ears and save me some chill (dun know wat u guys do about that). It makes me wanna be warm.

I love the long late night chats, the warm vodka and rum(on your preference), there is something so contrasting and yet challenging. Its something like you are living in a condition and trying to beat it. Not like literally fight type, but yes, somehow you try to make the best out of it by trying to get away from it.

There’s this sense of bonding, some strong feel of every connection you have. Now, there might be a scientific reason for this too, like I say (only once i think ;) ) ’there’s a scientific reason for just about everything today’. But seriously, it makes our awareness more aware and feelings more feel.

Coming back to why I thought this was about ‘Friends’ because winters is when my friends ( a handful - that’s the thing I didn’t wanna mention in the beginning) come back to Delhi. Few of them are working out of station and when they come back it feels so good. Just the thought, just the idea. I love it!

‘Back home’, this is a beautiful phrase. It can mean so much na… later maybe.

Now see I have a fren ‘S’(if you need some background, you may find much in my Forgiveness blog) whom I haven’t been talking about much, coz there is nothing much to talk about, she’s a different person altogether and I’m trying to be a better person everyday (Don’t try this at home: very difficult and mind fucking) . We were the best of friends and now we are used to be friends. This time of the year reminds me of her too. She’s in town lately and I will meet her this week, but in a different way.

It’s funny how things shape up na? We were like these soul mates and now we’ve become not so much. But you know what, we know each other so well that I think if I want to make a confession and get any burden off I would still consider calling her and I hope she feels the same. We know each other and there’s nothing more. However, I’m glad that we are in touch anyways rather than nothing at all.

Then there’s this another friend ‘Nilu’ from college again. I haven’t ever mentioned him before, he’s the kind of friend you don’t call up everyday, but yes whenever you do you talk for hours and say everything without any fear of being judged or thought wrong about. We make confessions and share lot of stuff, but then its only once in a while and its so cool! He was recently in the city and we met up, initially we thought of calling a few more people but decided just the two of us hanging out. It was great! We talked a lot, him about his life and where he is and his relationship and his plans and me about much lighter stuff like New Guy (who btw sis met and called not-good-looking, so I’m doubting if I’m attracted to not-good-looking types) and what we want and wish for. He also said that we share the same level of thinking and no matter how many years pass away and even if he calls me in 10 years we will still be on the same page, with the same mindset and still understand what the other is saying and  feeling. Which is so true and I love him for realizing this and saying it loud too. Isn’t he a sweetheart! YES! YES!

Confession time: Now, I have always thought that Nilu was a very good dateable guy (obviously a few things apart). I mean I KNOW that him and me are not meant to be dating and I have never wanted that, but I love to hear him appreciate me. It feels good. It feels good to be coming from a guy whom I find quite decent and all. Which reminds me that he has actually made a few comments of such interest on me in the past and even the day we met he was like ‘I’m attracted to you now’, but it was all in good spirit. He’s a cute guy and I’m a pretty gal, there’s bound to be some attraction. And the great thing is that in spite of him saying something like that I enjoyed it, took it as a compliment and didn’t feel a bit of awkwardness and was still equally comfortable and friendly. He didn’t offend me at all. Same goes for him, when I told him that I’ve thought of him as the perfect dateable guy, he was happy. We weren’t making a pass at each other or trying to get something out of it, we were just being good open friends.

He left for USA yesterday and will be back in a month or so. Cheers to him and me!

 

Then there’s this friend of mine ‘A’. I know him since last 5 years and we met on my first temp BPO job that I took up during the 1st year vacations. He was still doing his graduation then and was quite an innocent guy(seemed to be). We have seen each other in being naive and learning and then focused and then working.  I have seem him start smoking for social reasons and he has seen me set up innocent adolescent dreams of marrying my first love. It’s like seeing each grow from one phase of life to another. But the thing is that we didn’t meet much or talk much. After my vacation was over I left the job, bought my first branded shoes from the salary (Adidas – with 2 pink stripes running across the sides from the laces to the heel on each side)and went back to college. We kept talking once in a while and he kept hitting on whenever he got a chance. He used to like me from the beginning only and I knew, but I didn’t like him like that at all and he knew that too. He changed work and started getting more focused and I busy struggling to keep my mind sane and finish with college and throughout we kept talking, like catching up with each others progress.

Now, he is working at a good organisation and me too.

I changed my no. and lost his number and then we met again after a year on the DND toll bridge. I was on my way back home in office cab, reading a book and he was also using the same way home. He saw me and started honking, I noticed and tried to ignore once(i think it was a fight we had the last time we spoke) and when he didn’t give up I was like what the hell, he’s an old chap man! So I got off the cab and he dropped me home. We have been in touch since then and met once on a travel back home cum booze in car party. Was fun as I wasn’t drinking then and then a couple of times when he dropped me to office as we share the same route.

We decided on meeting up again and taking the same plan driving home-cum party and the same morning I lost my 1 week new phone in the office loo (Curse you bloody thief.. may you loose all your phones.. may you be deprived of the telephone technology FOREVER!! ) Ahem.. Please excuse the abrupt behavior… Now back to sanity! So, I thought I won’t be able to meet him. Luckily I had his mail id and sent a note to all my frenz with my office number to contact. He called and we met up. Driving and drinking and chatting and him still chance maro -ing. lol! He has a girlfriend now for 3 years and is well settled. They plan to get engaged next year and all. But he has this thing for me, you know that thing that feels incomplete type, like ‘Just if yaar’  thing and I don’t mind it as long as he’s decent which he always is, but we did talk lot of crap the other day, like how if my marriage doesn’t be good I’ll call him first, but he also added he wished that never happens to me. It was fun, enjoying, being with him I always go back to those full of hopes and dreams days. I had a little too much and got off home at the right time coz after that my head was spinning man! literally! I was speaking to New Guy and that reminds me that the day before I met ‘A’ I shared my plans with New Guy and he literally behaved weird,  I mean he called me an ass for planning to meet some guy after such long time and drinking with him, I tell you this man is Conservative ( will make Good things and BAd things list later). I had a bloody heated argument with him on this and in the end he agreed that he was wrong, though I still know that he is a conservative head.

Anyhow, so much to completing this, now I’ve lost half my day of work hours, have work pending and need to go back home early today (Bhai Dhuj). But you know what, I love to do this, write and say and more…

Why don’t I just do only this.. ya maybe…..

N btw did i stick to the topic? No, well it’s a perfect blog then.. ;)

 

Also, love the updated spellcheck on wordpress.

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