Archive for dreams

Let’s start afresh, 2010 New Year Resolutions

{ December 16, 2009 @ 5:30 am } · { Blogroll, Hobbies, Interesting, books, dating, dreams, family, feelings, friends, habits, health, interpret, jazz, life, love, music, personal, random, realtionships, secrets, thoughts, work, writing }
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Hmm… Now this requires some thought, lots actually. I’ll try to be specific, practical and keep the list real and measurable, so by the end of the year I know where I have reached.

1. Complete my book. Gotta do this. Really have to.

2. Join an NGO – start any form of voluntary work.

3. Loose all the flab and get in shape – for good and stay that way forever. (PS: starting from Jan 1st week)

4. Become a pro guitarist (btw I got a couple of songs in my kitty already, next post will explain)

5. Buy a car. I don’t care how I do it, I need that.

6. Move to NEW YORK, or atleast start seeing some real hope on it.

7. Earn double my current salary.

8. SAVINGS!! can’t emphasize enough on this. THIS IS A MUST.

9.  Stay in the game. I’m guessing the more people I meet the more clear I’ll get in my head as to ‘WHAT I WANT’.

10. Listen to that INNER VOICE. Trust my INTUTION and gut feeling. I can’t count the no. of times I’ve heard myself saying, ‘oh this did come to my mind but I didn’t trust my gut then’

11. I need control that ‘IMPULSIVE – say whatever comes to your mind instantly’ nerve. Actually, looking at last year, I have done it little, but some more control these.

12. Love myself more. Be good and love myself for it. (I’m so critical about myself, I am)

13. Swimming lessons – be a pro. This year its going to be freestyle & underwater. (right now I only know breast stroke :) )

14. Jazz – Need to start classes again. I don’t mind going for Salsa either. Anyways i should be dancing.

15. Wardrobe – please need to get stuff and this is very much dependent on point # 7 and #8.

16. Get a PROMOTION!!! I think this should be done by mid-year i.e if I believe my ex-manager’s words.

17. Get ‘OK’ with what I do for a living. Ya, this is a major thing.

18. BE WHERE YOU ARE. Not in office and writing blogs or thinking guitar, not at home and having nightmares about work.

19. Finances – take control. Manage.

20. Life – manage.

21. overall – improve management skills.

22. Get extremely particular on TIME and make this a habit and not extra effort. Always on time for everything.

23. Get slim girl and stay that way. No more loosing and gaining and loosing ..and on so on stuff.

24. Think family and think self - need to manage these two efficiently.  My scales are usually too much on either side and that leaves any one part being ignored.

35. BE HAPPY< LIVE< LOVE< ACHIEVE<GROW<MOVE<SEE THE WORLD<LOVE<ENJOY<IMPROVE<BRING JOY<BE HAPPY

Not too measurable ones there.. but that’s my list for now.

What’s on your list?

Why can’t I get REAL or GROW UP??

{ December 14, 2009 @ 4:00 am } · { Blogroll, Interesting, dating, dreams, feelings, interpret, life, love, personal, random, realtionships, secrets, thoughts, writing }
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I know it’s probably a little too late to ask that question or even say that out aloud, but seriously, why isn’t there an automated part in our (if you don’t identify with me then only ‘my’) brains that turns off all the dreamy dreams-anything and everything is so good thinking. I mean who is like a grown up 24-year-old working responsible person, still thinking that there is going to be this amazing guy who will come into her life and be crazy about her, madly in love with her, with all the good and the bad, who will be too good and accept her and love her and make her so happy and she will always be loved and happy. And yes she will love him soo much too ?? ME, ME!! Idiot!! damn…

I may be sounding like a needy street puppy looking at you eating food with his wet, black, hypnotizing eyes, but you know what, it high time. High time for me to take the road that I want is real. Either I need to leave this little girl in me, who’s still living the dream world or I need a miracle and wake up in wonderland, which is less likely to happen so, wake me up.

If you don’t believe me, then please read on and amuse yourself -

1. I actually believe that LOVE will be unconditional. He would love me like crazy and I believe it will be true. I am waiting for it too.

2. If I like someone, i.e apart from boy-girl kinna thing, like when I’m fond of a person, I feel you can express it whenever you feel. Like when you meet someone after a long time and you may not be the closest of people for each other, but if you feel happy and overwhelmed, then I actually think and feel like hugging that person tight. We may be apart later, even enemies or not even talking, but for now, what happens next should not stop you from expressing what you feel. It doesn’t make me vulnerable at all, I think it would only make me a warmer person and a loving heart.

3. I take sides, like in fights, arguments. It’s not something I am proud of, but if you’ve done something wrong to my friends, family, someone I care about and I have their part of the story and I believe them, then there is nothing in the world that will make me think anything positive about you, i.e. even if I cancel out the negative. Because somehow loyalty to my people comes into my mind. Even taking an opinion that is not on their side makes me feel like a betrayer. Very similar like a school fight, you’re on either team, there is no middle-no-opinion.

4.

Had other examples to prove my point, but then I left in-between and went and had breakfast (Unhealthy burger, not much cheese) and now can’t seem to think of my stupid ways.

Lesson Learnt: Never leave a piece in-between without jotting the next points somewhere.

God! This so feels like an awfully self obsessed piece. But hey, its my space… so whatever!

Tc!

Life is a Mayonnaise Jar

{ December 8, 2009 @ 12:06 pm } · { Blogroll, Hobbies, Interesting, dreams, family, feelings, friends, habits, health, interpret, life, love, random, reading, realtionships, secrets, thoughts, work }
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This is the story that I was telling you all about, that my friend sent me via mail and I like it.

Read on! Especially for people like me, who keep feeling like nothing is happening every once in few days. It  gives you clear wa y of looking at waht you’re doing and how it makes a difference in you life.

**********************************************************************

The Mayonnaise Jar
When things in your life seem, almost too much to handle,
When 24 Hours in a day is not enough,
Remember the mayonnaise jar and 2 cups of coffee.

 

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

 He then asked the students, if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

 The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar.  He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open Areas between the golf balls.

 He then asked the students again if the jar was full.  They agreed it was.

 The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous ‘yes.’

 The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively

filling the empty space between the sand.  The students laughed.

 

‘Now,’ said the professor,   as the laughter subsided,

‘I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things – family,children, health, Friends, and Favorite passions. Things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, Your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, house, and car. The sand is everything else –The small stuff.’

 

‘If you put the sand into the jar first,’  He continued,

‘there is no room for  the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.’

 So… Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play With your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner.

 There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.

 ’Take care of the golf balls first -The things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.’

 One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented.

 The professor smiled, ‘I’m glad you asked’. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.’

 Please share this with other “Golf Balls”

I just did……

Looking back at the year start

{ December 3, 2009 @ 1:31 pm } · { Blogroll, Hobbies, Interesting, books, dating, dreams, family, feelings, friends, habits, health, interpret, jazz, life, love, music, personal, random, reading, realtionships, secrets, tattoo, thoughts, work, writing }
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so here’s the resolution listed that I has posted early this year. lets see what all I got done.

1. Personal – learn something new, music/dance/sport - YES.. jazz, now guitar…

2. Social Work – start voluntary work for NGO - none.. a little try at the begining.. but then nothing

3. Social Work – fund an orphan’s eduction - nopes :(

4. Career – get 30% hike in salary – Can’t say yet. got the feedback tomorow. I’m hoping this will be done. :)

5. Personal – take care of health – did for the first half of the year, lost weight and when i came so close to being called slim, i gave it up.. jerk. and now I’m back to me..so NO i think

6. Family – manage funds well  - NO.. nothing near it

7. Personal – Improve habits, be more warm and less bitter - maybe a little..not much.

8. Personal – learn to be more diplomatic i.e learn to keep my opinions to myself and be less judgemental. – yes-no.. okay,.

9. Career – Get appreciated for the good work – YES YES.. this is definitely true for the past couple of months…

Aww.. this dosen’t seem good na. I’ve only done the selfish stuff.

 

Another list, this is more like Things to do before I’m 25

1. Travel alone (another state or country) - NO

2. Get a tattoo – NO, I’m planning before New year or maybe after d heavy checque..lol

3. Start something new( music/dance/art) – YES

4. Go trekking – No, but went Rafting..counts ? YES

5. Complete a book – started, not completed and am not doing anythin so NO

6. Sponcer an orphan child’s education - NO :(

7. Start voluntary work for NGo/Street children – NO

8. Adapt a healthy lifestyle for good – NO

9. Organise family affairs – NO

10. be more Accepting – little. NO

11. Forgive people and forget unwanted baggage – NO. YES. Dun knw

12. Love myself more – NOt really.

13. Be more warm person – No. Not enough to say YES

14. keep the learning ‘new stuff’ going on. – YES, else I would get crazy

 

Lot of NO’s here too… :(

Sore me

{ December 3, 2009 @ 5:09 am } · { Blogroll, Hobbies, Interesting, books, dating, dreams, family, feelings, friends, habits, health, interpret, life, love, music, personal, random, reading, realtionships, secrets, sex, thoughts, weddings, writing }
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I have been PMSing since day before yesterday night and let me tell you it’s not a very pleasant thing (atleast not in the cold winters).

The night it started,  I kept tossing and turning entire night, there was this weird sensation in my stomach abdomen that something was happening down there. I was wearing a tee, huge woollen pullover, and socks and tucked inside 2 layers of blanket, actually one is double layered so 3 layers of blanket and yet my body was cold and uncomfortable. I woke up at 5:45 am and decided I was finally in no state to go to the office, so messaged my colleague and went back to sleep. Then got some rest and sleep, until I woke up.

When I woke up yesterday, my body felt like it was swollen (wasn’t looking swollen though, except my stomach) and it felt sore, sore like you visit the gym after months and then overdo everything cardio, weight, all and then your muscles are on the verge on getting ruptured, that kinda sore. I woke up around 12:30pm and didn’t move out of the blanket until 3pm, ate something and finally had the energy, mind to think of even moving my body, before that it was not even a thinkable thing to do. I couldn’t move, just couldn’t, or maybe of I had to then I would have to pick and place each of my body part one step ahead separately and that too using someone else’s hands, so then I would have to ask someone to pick my stomach and move it just above where my left foot had been picked and placed and henceforth. Maybe it wasn’t so bad, but it surely felt that way, and feeling is as bad as real, so!

After I  finally moved my ass, I was on the internet, checked my blog, others blogs and that was all that could hold my interest there. I was so uncomfortable, sitting, standing, moving.  The soreness was the hurting soreness, just the muscles are all lethargic and any movement might lead to rupture/collapse, something like there’s something weird happening inside you and its s uncomfortable, bloated, swollen, sore feeling. Then I moved to the guitar, that was good, although couldn’t keep myself on it for long, I guess just 30-40 min.

Btw I’m just on the basics with my lessons with my tutor, but for self motivation, I googled the easiest songs to play on guitar and then got this learning lesson on you tube for ‘Knocking on Heaven’s Door’ Bob Dylan version and I’ve been practicing it for 2 days. I am not good at it and specially with moving between chords, that timing is out-of-place, also the C chord is giving me a hard time, my fingers havent adjusted to being moving in different directions and applying pressure at the same time yet, I’m always pressing the not to be pressed keys and what happens is I get the sound correct once and next strum sound like banjo. :) But I will my learn this, I love it, I love to hear people play and the sound of that hollow wood and strings, Mmmm. When I think of it, it’s almost like thinking of your favourite chocolate dessert.. Mmnmmm~ :) You know there are certain things that make you feel like if they were eatable then you would gulp down ever bit of it, like I feel that for the smell of wood polish, and guitar. Does that happen to you too? 

This turned to a happy note huh! Anyways coming back to yesterday, its making me feel sore just mentioning it, you might think that i shouldn’t think/write about it if that’s the case, but I want to write it out, those rollercoaster feelings and weird stuff, I want it all worded. Why I don’t know either. Anyways, so after the sometime with guitar, I moved to mom’s room (where the computer is) and sat on the bed (I know lame details, please read it’ll add up) and couldn’t find myself a comfy,  to-be-warmed spot on the bed. I put some pillows on the wall and then leaned on them, covered myself with quilt and started reading this book ‘Anil’s Ghost’ that has been pending and half read for what seems ages (almost 3 months), but I couldn’t make it my spot. Let me explain. My bum wouldn’t warm the place, my bum wouldn’t feel fit and sunk in, my back wasn’t relaxed or easy and I constantly wanted to change, move in the spot trying to make it comfy, but that wouldn’t happen. Aaagrrh!

I always curse the male species when I’m PMSing, always! But yesterday I didn’t. Usually its something like- Why can’t boys have all this stuff in their bodies? periods - us, babies - us, everything painful comes to us and all they do is think about sex and have fun. Crap! I swear they should be something done so that they should start having babies. Why do we have to go through this? Why not them? I hate this. Jerks! Bloody one minded assholes! But yesterday I didn’t, not even once.

So then after the attempt to read a few pages, I closed it, no spot, no comfort, so warm ass, no point. I slid into the quilt and slept for 2 hours. When I woke up and then the usual TV and drama series were on and mom was glued to it like a bee. I don’t enjoy them much, but then the drama is good, especially with all the new reality series catching fire here and all the channels trying too hard to get TRPs and making shows on weirdest of ideas. It’s funny. One really funny one comes on Channel V, its called ‘Dare to Date’, it so funny. People are brought together for Blind dates and then after the date they are asked if they would like to go on a second date with that person. I haven’t seen a single couple say yes to this question. :) Yesterday, I caught a glimpse of it and the guy was so cute, calling himself Mr.Delhi or something. but really pretty-clean-i-woul-make-a-pretty-girl type cute. Poor guy, he  was stuck with some dumb girl,maybe he was dumb too, dunno, didn’t see much. Another show that is fun is ‘Lux Perfect Bride’, where you need to choose a partner for yourself from a bunch of girls and guys, and they have meeting and everything ot know each other better, but now the show is close to end so there are 2 couples that are already sure of their choices and one lame couple who have no bonding but still holding onto the show in some hope of a magical moment, so now much on the show is about their parents fighting and all. Oh yes, the mother-in-laws are also part of the show and live with the girls to observe and select, so now the girls moms have also arrived and they are all fighting. :) It’s actually a bit of the ugly truth about the arranged marriages and unreasonable expectations that are attached to 2 people marrying. Everybody wants their piece.

Later sis came home soon and then we were chit chatting. It was good. I took a late bath around 11:30pm coz I didn’t want to take it in the morning i.e 5:45 am. Then we all were again chit chatting until 1:30 am and finally decided to call it a day. I slept ok I guess, but woke up in next 5 hours (at 6 am), so it was ok.

Right now, I’m feeling bloated like a balloon, my stomach is a visible proof of it  and I have a fast today. Don’t know if I should keep it though, but if I can’t tolerate it and it gets bad then will eat. But then again, who decided what is bad enough to break the fast? me ? how? we’ll see, some grumbling noises can be heard already..

Btw I just noticed, my titles are not-so-good na? What do you think?  and yes, How’ve you been doing? 

P.S:  Haven’t spoken to New Guy since last fight thing, intentionally and effortlessly. It’s ok.

what I’m at right now..

{ November 21, 2009 @ 10:18 am } · { Blogroll, Interesting, dating, dreams, family, feelings, friends, habits, interpret, life, love, personal, random, realtionships, secrets, thoughts, weddings, work, writing }
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Firstly sorry for the delay in posts…but please believe me work has been too much lately..too much.. n not that I feel obliged to blog.. but I like to post and when I don’t I feel I owe an apology to myself too, for not letting these thoughts out..and keeping my mind buzzing with them..

So, whats been going on?

Plenty of work! My senior was moved to a new project and then I am taking care of few important projects and there hasn’t been any transition or anything, but it seems like I’m doing much of what she did, but without any training. So what do you expect? yes, Im nervous and confused and also want to prove myself, but then the self-doubt creeps in and all gets confusing. I start questioning if i can or can’t and then feel like a 100 eyes are on me and what I do now will decide how my career takes shape from here on.

I really want it all to work out. I want someone to train me on all the tactics and do’s and don’t, how to handle situations, what decisions to take and then I will do all the right things and come out as shining star. But I know that everything cannot be found in guidebooks and experience teaches you these things, but I also don’t want to fail at attempting and get steps behind, instead of ahead.

What I find most difficult is to have 100% confidence on my decisions, coz I don’t have any reference to look at and say that this is right. I feel confused if this is right or not and then it shows.

I’ve been carrying the office laptop and after work at office, I even take up work at home and then yesterday I was on PTO, but landed up working entire day(except  for the relief of waking up late) and even carried the laptop to my friend (actually sis’s best friend’s ) engagement party, where it died when I was just about to send status mail and thank god it did, coz when I got back home I found some problems and then i finally sent out the status at 2:45am.  Today is off, but we have migrations so I will be working for 2 hours in evening. There is this other girl in my team, so after my senior left, we both are left with the work. Even earlier my senior never did any work only management, and now I have to do management and also work. I sometimes feel that I’m much better of a ‘do all the work’ than ‘manage all the work’. I mean I can do 10 things myself, but giving it to someone else and feeling relieved and sure that they would do it right is difficult, so I end up doing most of it myself. So this other girl ‘D’ in my team, I have been doing most of the work so that she is not blogged with too much and doesn’t get too overloaded. I know, that is not a good management trait, but then can’t help it.

Appraisal’s coming along in December. *fingers crossed*

Apart from work, after few days of restricted talking, I have resumed late night talks with New Guy. There was too much stuff around what we should restrict and how and all, so I said forget everything we’ll just see how it goes. I’ve stopped the morning calls though and that should be good, coz it was getting too much. With all this work havoc going on, it feels good to talk to someone who will listen and talk sweetly and you know. It’s like a stress relief thing. It takes your mind to a different place, even if for sometime only. don’t know how far I should take this, but one thing is for sure, neither of us have any feelings type stuff for each other. actually, we both are in such similar places in our lives, that we know how it is and we want the same things too, ok, he might be thinking a little ahead, but what the heck na.

That’s whats happening right now. Phew!!! good to get it all out!

Howz u???

Dating Don’ts..by me

{ November 16, 2009 @ 5:42 am } · { Blogroll, Interesting, dating, dreams, feelings, friends, habits, interpret, life, love, personal, random, reading, realtionships, secrets, sex, writing }
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After being 1 dating experience old, I think I have gained some knowledge on what we should ‘NOT TO DO’ and thought I should spread these words of wisdom, coz girls n guys if you’re not doing anything on this list then you’re NOT headed to end up like me, which btw is not so bad but yes, feeling stupid, immature, reperating  my adolescent mistakes while being not-so-adolsescent, and more of stupid please.

You got it! So here’s the wisdom list. It’s separate for guys and gals, coz you know I like clarity *haha.. now is not the time for me to support this statement, but I will stick to it, I like clarity and bullet points too. Ad yes, I’m not reasoning all of them, just few confusing ones maybe.

Dating Don’ts for Girls:

- Never ever talk over the phone for more than an hour. No matter how tempting the conversation, how much ever fn you’re having, don’t cross the 60 min mark.

- Never bring up the conversation of ‘how many ex -girlfriends did you have?’ And if he asks you this, then please dump him, he has no manners at all.

- Keep the conversation light and less personal, by personal I mean, don’t cling onto every it of similarity in interests that you discover. you know, you might find all the treasure gold coins first and then see the dark sea monster. (Dun knw where dat came from, in my head I see Pirates of the Carrabiean right now)

- Do not forget to keep the hunt on, else you start getting lazy and then maybe it will also put you take some crap stuff from the guy coz you’re too lazy to start the whole search again. Duh! Don’t leave the loop, stay in the game , always!!

- Decide in your head what you don’t want for the first few weeks/month (your choice).  If you mean to generally know him, then make them mostly coffee dates or lunch dates. If you’re in for some fun as well, then late evening coffees and early dinners work. But never my dear friends, go for late dinners before you know you for sure that you want to see more of this guy (and if you think about it then, this might be applied in literal sense too.. lol! ).

- Never make more than 1 future date plans, like  ‘oh, we should got there sometime, I’ve heard it’s a great place!’. Girl wait up! You might not want to go the next time, so as difficult as it is for us to keep our brilliant ideas and talents to ourselves, save this for later, i.e if there will be one.

- We know you’re so talented and sweet, so let him discover it slowly and that will make it steady. It’s okay to want the other person to like you and see all the good in you, but you definitely need to take that slowly. What’s the rush, if he’s any good you’ll have plenty of time to share stuff.

- I know this is difficult, but please don’ keep high expectations on how this(date/relationship/conversation) will turn up. Even better, don’t expect anything, just don’t think about ‘what is going to happen’ and pull yourself to ‘waht is happening’. This will help, trust me.

- Don’t mention about him to your friends or family, atleast not until you are dating steady for more than 2-2.5 months. Much of the disillusion of charm and romance fogs your vision for that long I think.

- Meet him in groups also, not always alone.

- When meeting in group, introduce him as your friend. It makes sense!

- Don’t agree to everything he says and don’t disagree to everything either. Just don’t let him get so casual with you that he questions your decision, which will make you want to explain the reason to him, which is totally not required. He gets so much importance here.. notice!

- Keep reminding yourself, it’s just dating. He might be saying the same things to other girls also, and even if he’s not take you time. Whats the rush.

- Most important- be yourself! Don’t try to be what you’re not just to get compliments or fit what type he likes, eventually you will be youself and then it might not be the quick get out of it exit. If you’re a jeans girl then stick to it baby, don’t get that sexy sultry dress to make him go ‘oohhhh’, if he likes you and knows the person you are he will eventually be more than ‘oohhh’ and feel lucky to be with you. I don’t mean don’t dress up, do but be who you are. Be yourself girls., you’re one of a kind!  (btw this point just got scrapped as timeout on login and had to re-write it! I think the first time one was better. )

Coming up shortly ‘Dating Don’ts for Boys’…

P.S: this is totally from girls POV, so boys read on.. this will be very helpful..and brutally honest (I love this word.. it describes me)

Even nothings are something..

{ November 15, 2009 @ 2:05 pm } · { Blogroll, Interesting, dating, dreams, family, feelings, friends, interpret, life, love, personal, random, realtionships, secrets, thoughts, writing }
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I’ve decided I’m not dating New Guy anymore. Hope all of you who wanted this are happy now!… sorry for being so spiteful* just all this seems so much more fucked up that what it actually is, and to say the truth its pissing me off that why the hell did this get so much attention when it isn’t even worth and by ‘attention’ I mean from others and not myself.

Anyways, so New guy and me have always been out on dats/brief meetings on late evenings (not intended just coincidence) and sis is so pissed with him after the first time experience and also after he kina showed her a mood swing(I hATE that about him). So everytime we went out we were always late, always, and I’m aware that I am also responsible for it, but then he should’ve also been keen on this and he wasn’t and I didn’t push it either (because I enjoyed being with him). All this pissed off mom and because she dosen’t know him she got really cross at me. Now last night also, after all the embarrassing thing happened we were bloody late and when I reached home mom strictly told me that I will not meet this guy unless I want to marry him, which is obviously ‘NO’. And sis who has been behaving like an ass also gave me so much crap, that why was going in the evenings with him and why was I causing so much trouble for something that didn’t mean anything to me, nothing important.

I agree, why would I make my family trouble because of someone I so clearly know means nothing to me? But whatever happened to making your own choices and deciding for yourself ? And the thing is that New guy is not at all important enough that I fight over ‘Why can’t I see this guy, I will do what I want’ stuff, but still, who decides what you want to do in your life?

I know they’re just concerned about what if I get caught up into emotions and stuff and that too with a guy who isn’t so good for me. But I don’t understand, I’m just having fun, why would you not let me go out and live life and have me sit here and spend my weekends at home when I can be out and enjoy my time. I understand that sometimes in the way thing are ou get carried away and cross limits, but if you never let me walk the line and tie my legs then how do I know where I have to crossover and where to stop? You need to learn from your mistakes and for that you need to live.

 

Now I’m confused about what should I tell New Guy. I’ll ask him to be friends and I know it sucks but that’s al I can say right now. He will probably feel that it’s because of yesterday’s thing, but I’m not explaining. I don’t feel anything for him, yet I don’t want to hurt him. Just yesterday he was saying that he knew he wasn’t the kina guy that I wanted in my life, so I think it won’t be so difficult for him. Its just that this all is happening because others want it and not because I want to. If given a chance I would’ve stopped it all myself, when I would find someone better. But now it’s so shitty.

 

That’s what I mean when I say ‘even nothings mean something’. New Guy and me are nothing, just getting to know each other, no emotional bonding, no feelings(from me atleast) and yet this all is so much complicated. Hell!

 

One more thing that is troubling me the most is ‘how am I gonna meet someone new now?’ hahah.. I know but honsetly, like I have said earlier its very difficult to find guys here, good guys. Back to finding someone new again.. :) Coz I want to be there, in the game and not outside on the bench watching. I want to know people and see what all I can take what all others take me like. Maybe this is a good thing, coz somehow I had stopped making effort to look around since I met New Guy.

 

Cheers!

P.S:  am feeling much lighter and relieved after putting this here. And somehow even getting the feeling on ‘moving on’. Nice!!

If you know what I mean..

{ November 14, 2009 @ 9:51 pm } · { Blogroll, Interesting, dating, dreams, family, feelings, friends, interpret, life, love, music, personal, random, realtionships, secrets, sex, thoughts, writing }
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I mean to tell you all about how I got where I am today i.e in the dating scene, but considering what happened today (read to end), I’m not to be blamed if things go off track.

 

So, here’s the thing, I was in a 3 years full-time selfless-you-are-my-all relationship and it ending up with me being scared of how seriously I get involved and how that is so not good for me.

 

Now what these kind of things do to you is, either take away your belief  from existence of love or leave you doubting yourself so much so, that you don’t even trust what you decide with open eyes and in sense, it feels like everything you decide will be wrong in the end.

 

As you might have guessed, I got into the second catagory.It all left me feeling stupid, so stupid that I couldn’t see that you always have to keep your mind opens to possibility that ‘this isn’t going to work’, especially when I could clearly see what I wanted was so different from what I had. I fell in love. Selfless, I planned my life around him, I believed that he filled that void in my life which was waiting for a man to come and take care of me. I loved him so much that it became difficult to love myself, coz these two parts of me wanted different things in life. i did understand that if I can’t make myself happy then I won’t be able to make anyones happy either.

 

We always come out of anything, only after leave something behind and taking something new. But when you leave a part of your belief on love or self-trust / confidence behind, it takes time..

I became frustrated with relationships, it hurt, I left it all. I even became the one who would always make fun of these couples in love and their shy and romantic behaviour. This continued for almost 2 year, until I started to feel that I’m missing something, being normal, being able to mingle with people, be what a 24-year-old should be.

I thought about it and though I was ok to go on into it all.. again… I met someone and started dating him. Things were all good till we met, and then every time we meet something was happening, something that I wouldn’t like. And then I go ahead and give it another chance. Maybe I’m ignoring what is going on in front of me, because I want it to right and why I want that is also very confusing cause it seems that I’m holding onto this one because I want to make sure that I have forgotten the past and moved on. It’s like a self-assurance I needed to convince myself. But I also wanted to check how this was, you know maybe get back the lack of trusting my own judgement, but maybe I found the wrong guy for it all.

 

What Happened today:

It’s too embarrassing to even say, so I won’t. But I saw something beautiful turn ugly, withing seconds.   And this time there is no ignoring it, coz it can’t be ignored. I have to decide on whether this will go on or not and the thing is that I don’t have nothing positive against all the  negative stuff. Nothing! and yet I’m thinking of how will it be to be back ? same i guess.. And even without any emotional stuff involved  this seems complicated. I thing I will end it all, even though we’re not in any trouble now, but still. It’s sad. Mom and sis are both against him/

Sad! also sad songs going on itunes..

Wait for life to happen r run after it?

{ November 8, 2009 @ 11:39 am } · { Blogroll, Hobbies, Interesting, dreams, feelings, habits, interpret, jazz, life, love, music, personal, random, secrets, thoughts, work, writing }
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Before I start lemme mention, my left had finger tips are swollen as if bee strung and little red.. any guesses? Yes, the guitar fever iso n again.. :) but this time i’m gonna learn it completely, at least enough to support the statement ‘ I know how to play a guitar’. lol!

 

Coming to what I’ve thought about a lot of times and felt too. Do you sit and wait for life you want to happen or run after it?

 

I feel like I’ve done a little of both. I’ve been doing this job and spending what probably might be the best years of my life, complaining and feeling not so good and then I’ve also tried to run after it by doing these things like the dance classes, swimming classes, something or the other to keep me busy and feel like I’m living a life. I know pursuing a hobby dosen’t seem lame, but when you go for it only to make yourself feel less of a loser and full of life, then I think you’re at a very wrong place altogether. The irony of all of this is that I don’t know where else I want to be if not here or how to get there… OMG! I’m such a loser!!!

 

How do you know what you want and if you do then how do get to it??

I know I’ve said this many times, but still no answers…

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