When you feel like* old draft dated 2009/06/24*

{ November 26, 2009 @ 8:43 am } · { Blogroll, Interesting, feelings, interpret, life, personal, random, thoughts, writing }
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saying nothing, then it can mean only either of 2 things :

a) You have too many thins on your mind and you can’t register them all. It’s all going on and on, you thoughts, ideas, questions, answers. It’s all zapping away and you cannot register it to write / speak about it.

b) You are stoned. jus  kidding! I don’t know the second one. Do you? I’m guessing sad, hurt. Any ideas??

So why are we talking about feeling like nothing to say, coz I have been feeling this way. For how long I do not know (it’s better like that). So I’m gonna break this vicious cycle and register those speedy thoughts and tell you all about what’s in my mind, at least everything that I know.

Bullets or paragraphs? I mostly stick with bullets, they make everything very clear and separated. Its paragraphs today.

About family and home.

——————————

I know its incomplete, actually that’s why it was never posted. Don’t have anything to add. Don’t know why I keep posting olf drafts, it makes me feel lighter for some reason. ? Dun know why? Maybe its like letting go, of soemthing that is somewhere in your subconscious… maybe.

3000 hits!! Yupee!

{ November 24, 2009 @ 8:28 am } · { Blogroll, Hobbies, Interesting, art, feelings, life, personal, random, thoughts, writing }
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I got over 3000 hits since 24 August 2007.

Yay!! :)

 

Heartiest( I use this word really honestly and truely) THANKS to everyone who took time to read through the bluprints of my mind. And all the advice and comments!!

Keep coming  back!!

 

Stop beating around the bush

{ November 22, 2009 @ 5:17 pm } · { Blogroll, Interesting, dating, feelings, friends, habits, interpret, life, love, personal, random, realtionships, secrets, sex, thoughts, work, writing }
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that’s just exactly what I need right now. I so need to clear my head and actually realize and know ‘What I really want?’ How much ever time it takes, I need to know this. I don’t care, if I spend 5 years trying to know it. Actually that’s too much time, but considering it took me 2 years to get over the hangover of a 3years serious relationship and sometimes I still ask myself that ‘Am I over it totally? How can I be sure?’, so I think I don’t mind 5 years. What I mind is ‘not knowing?’ , the confusion in your head, the analysis, the million questions and no answers. I mind that, I don’t want that. I’m not the person who can live in doubts, I’m clear as a crystal, here or there, I am what you see, I will tell you what I am, I am not, not at all ‘what I’m not’. I can’t be that, I can’t keep thinking ’is this me?’ about everything I do, I can’t keep questioning my wants and likes, it will bruise my soul, my beliefs, my heart. And somewhere I feel that it already has, a little bit.

I need to stop here.

Breathe! Be with myself and know myself and love every bit of it. I can’t move ahead without it, not even one step, maybe a few steps back if it takes, but not ahead.

I’m talking about matters of the heart and relationships.

 

I thought I was okay with this dating, but its all so uncomfortable. Maybe its just the wrong person I’ve met, but I really don’t know what I want. And how do I know this? well, listen to read more if you’re not tired of my ranting yet.

I have no feelings for him, yet I talk to him early mornings and late nights and message him through the day.

I like to spend time with him, I like the feeling, but I don’t like it later. later if I check his pics on facebook I don’t feel nice, I’m like ‘really? with this guy?’

I hate that he is dominating, but I go along with it. I don’t stop him. i talk when i don’t want to. Yesterday, I had a bad cold and headache and he kept talking till 4am and I mentioned couple of times that I got a bad headache and he’s like ‘aww baby’ and would start again. He knows I  go to work early 7am and when I remind him he says 5 min more and then being inconsiderate as ever, he goes on till another hour. I talk too, but hello? what about a little consideration? I’ve been sleeping  4-5 hours average over the past few weeks. Fuck man! and all this is when I don’t even feel for him. He’s bloody manipulative. I hate manipulative.

 

I always feel he has that temperament of keeping the balance equal on both sides. He can’t go and do something and not expect anything from me. I get that feeling. can’t think of anything particularly, but you know na, when there’s this feeling of there has to be a give for every take. What if we’re not in a relationship? Can’t you just not expect so much. it’s pressurizing now. and I’m taking all this . Shit man!

 

Then there’s this whole thing about how he wants to get into my pants. Well I might have started the flirting and maybe also little stuff, but hello wait for the girl to get comfortable. He keeps talking about it on the phone and then I’m like I don’t want to say much so i listen and he’s like you don’t respond. What? How can you expect me to get into the same place that you are at? and if not then you’re annoyed and i explain. no! Not at all! I won’t ! I don’t owe you any explanation!

I think he just doesn’t posses any basic mannerism and I’m not going to teach him. Coz I care a damn!

Even if we’re being just dating type, you need to respect and behave and not make me feel like I’m here for something that is not decent and that you can persist me into anything.

I need to stop here. And know what I want. BUt this isn’t anywhere close to what I want i know for sure. Am just going to talk to him now. hope I’m not screaming and he understands and we can be friends. if not the F*** it all.

phew! that feels good now. I know too much personal stuff, but hey thats why this space exists. It’s global, yet personal to me.

Just a reminder..

{ November 22, 2009 @ 4:04 pm } · { Blogroll, Interesting, dating, feelings, interpret, life, personal }
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for myself, to not loose out on what all I need want to write about:

‘The bloody list of  Should’s ’

‘My style/ my type Hot’

‘Dating don’ts for guys’

‘Stop beating around the bush’ (next post after this one)

‘What you’re looking for?’

what I’m at right now..

{ November 21, 2009 @ 10:18 am } · { Blogroll, Interesting, dating, dreams, family, feelings, friends, habits, interpret, life, love, personal, random, realtionships, secrets, thoughts, weddings, work, writing }
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Firstly sorry for the delay in posts…but please believe me work has been too much lately..too much.. n not that I feel obliged to blog.. but I like to post and when I don’t I feel I owe an apology to myself too, for not letting these thoughts out..and keeping my mind buzzing with them..

So, whats been going on?

Plenty of work! My senior was moved to a new project and then I am taking care of few important projects and there hasn’t been any transition or anything, but it seems like I’m doing much of what she did, but without any training. So what do you expect? yes, Im nervous and confused and also want to prove myself, but then the self-doubt creeps in and all gets confusing. I start questioning if i can or can’t and then feel like a 100 eyes are on me and what I do now will decide how my career takes shape from here on.

I really want it all to work out. I want someone to train me on all the tactics and do’s and don’t, how to handle situations, what decisions to take and then I will do all the right things and come out as shining star. But I know that everything cannot be found in guidebooks and experience teaches you these things, but I also don’t want to fail at attempting and get steps behind, instead of ahead.

What I find most difficult is to have 100% confidence on my decisions, coz I don’t have any reference to look at and say that this is right. I feel confused if this is right or not and then it shows.

I’ve been carrying the office laptop and after work at office, I even take up work at home and then yesterday I was on PTO, but landed up working entire day(except  for the relief of waking up late) and even carried the laptop to my friend (actually sis’s best friend’s ) engagement party, where it died when I was just about to send status mail and thank god it did, coz when I got back home I found some problems and then i finally sent out the status at 2:45am.  Today is off, but we have migrations so I will be working for 2 hours in evening. There is this other girl in my team, so after my senior left, we both are left with the work. Even earlier my senior never did any work only management, and now I have to do management and also work. I sometimes feel that I’m much better of a ‘do all the work’ than ‘manage all the work’. I mean I can do 10 things myself, but giving it to someone else and feeling relieved and sure that they would do it right is difficult, so I end up doing most of it myself. So this other girl ‘D’ in my team, I have been doing most of the work so that she is not blogged with too much and doesn’t get too overloaded. I know, that is not a good management trait, but then can’t help it.

Appraisal’s coming along in December. *fingers crossed*

Apart from work, after few days of restricted talking, I have resumed late night talks with New Guy. There was too much stuff around what we should restrict and how and all, so I said forget everything we’ll just see how it goes. I’ve stopped the morning calls though and that should be good, coz it was getting too much. With all this work havoc going on, it feels good to talk to someone who will listen and talk sweetly and you know. It’s like a stress relief thing. It takes your mind to a different place, even if for sometime only. don’t know how far I should take this, but one thing is for sure, neither of us have any feelings type stuff for each other. actually, we both are in such similar places in our lives, that we know how it is and we want the same things too, ok, he might be thinking a little ahead, but what the heck na.

That’s whats happening right now. Phew!!! good to get it all out!

Howz u???

We were never meant for do or die..

{ November 17, 2009 @ 5:24 am } · { Blogroll, Interesting, dating, feelings, friends, interpret, life, love, music, personal, random, realtionships, secrets, thoughts }
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This is a line from the song from ‘Already Gone’ by Kelly Clarkson. I really like her voice and personality, whatever I have seen so far. She’s so real, no plastic, no unimaginably and unachievable shrunk waistline (i like this ), and she has this sense of real feel to her, like she’s just a girl like anyone of us and happens to be a good singer too.

Anyways, so not that I’m crying or anything, but yes it’s not the best thing to have to tell someone that you don’t want what you share anymore. It’s always better when its mutual na? hmm…

Guess what? Yup! I haven’t told New Guy this yet. I haven’t been talking much to him for last two days and when I did speak to him he did say that he missed me. :) I miss talking to him to, but it’s just the ‘thing you’ve been doing and then you stop’ type missing.  I know I overdid many things and even when I was doing it all I felt I was always on the safer side of things, but I slipped into a hole dug where I need a hand to pull me out of it and then I can’t give my hand to New Guy to come out. He has to get out on his own.

If you look at it, it’s not so complicated, but still I’m very bad at shaking my hand off and walking away. I think you all know that (by the number of posts on this context).

 

So? How to do it? How do I tell him ‘we’ll only be friends. Forget about whatever happened, lets become friends only.’? How do you end when the feeling is not mutual?  

And you know what, he’s not that crazy about it me either, just that I think he wants to hang on something he found after a long time and then it would all be empty space, and also its difficult to just meet someone and get along and that to someone as sweet as me. But he’s not crazy about me and neither am I about it. So why this hesitation to say to move on? Why aren’t we both being upfront and trying to say it means something when it doesn’t. I know he wouldn’t want to end it(whatever this is) , but I want to.

 

How do I say it, so he’s not hurt or doesn’t feel like I’m shaking my hands off him? Or maybe,  how do I tell him to move away, take his steps back and then we’ll become friends again?

 P.S: spoke to him last night for almost 2 hours, almost like earlier. ok! like earlier. But no more. no more talking.

Some help please…

Dating Don’ts..by me

{ November 16, 2009 @ 5:42 am } · { Blogroll, Interesting, dating, dreams, feelings, friends, habits, interpret, life, love, personal, random, reading, realtionships, secrets, sex, writing }
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After being 1 dating experience old, I think I have gained some knowledge on what we should ‘NOT TO DO’ and thought I should spread these words of wisdom, coz girls n guys if you’re not doing anything on this list then you’re NOT headed to end up like me, which btw is not so bad but yes, feeling stupid, immature, reperating  my adolescent mistakes while being not-so-adolsescent, and more of stupid please.

You got it! So here’s the wisdom list. It’s separate for guys and gals, coz you know I like clarity *haha.. now is not the time for me to support this statement, but I will stick to it, I like clarity and bullet points too. Ad yes, I’m not reasoning all of them, just few confusing ones maybe.

Dating Don’ts for Girls:

- Never ever talk over the phone for more than an hour. No matter how tempting the conversation, how much ever fn you’re having, don’t cross the 60 min mark.

- Never bring up the conversation of ‘how many ex -girlfriends did you have?’ And if he asks you this, then please dump him, he has no manners at all.

- Keep the conversation light and less personal, by personal I mean, don’t cling onto every it of similarity in interests that you discover. you know, you might find all the treasure gold coins first and then see the dark sea monster. (Dun knw where dat came from, in my head I see Pirates of the Carrabiean right now)

- Do not forget to keep the hunt on, else you start getting lazy and then maybe it will also put you take some crap stuff from the guy coz you’re too lazy to start the whole search again. Duh! Don’t leave the loop, stay in the game , always!!

- Decide in your head what you don’t want for the first few weeks/month (your choice).  If you mean to generally know him, then make them mostly coffee dates or lunch dates. If you’re in for some fun as well, then late evening coffees and early dinners work. But never my dear friends, go for late dinners before you know you for sure that you want to see more of this guy (and if you think about it then, this might be applied in literal sense too.. lol! ).

- Never make more than 1 future date plans, like  ‘oh, we should got there sometime, I’ve heard it’s a great place!’. Girl wait up! You might not want to go the next time, so as difficult as it is for us to keep our brilliant ideas and talents to ourselves, save this for later, i.e if there will be one.

- We know you’re so talented and sweet, so let him discover it slowly and that will make it steady. It’s okay to want the other person to like you and see all the good in you, but you definitely need to take that slowly. What’s the rush, if he’s any good you’ll have plenty of time to share stuff.

- I know this is difficult, but please don’ keep high expectations on how this(date/relationship/conversation) will turn up. Even better, don’t expect anything, just don’t think about ‘what is going to happen’ and pull yourself to ‘waht is happening’. This will help, trust me.

- Don’t mention about him to your friends or family, atleast not until you are dating steady for more than 2-2.5 months. Much of the disillusion of charm and romance fogs your vision for that long I think.

- Meet him in groups also, not always alone.

- When meeting in group, introduce him as your friend. It makes sense!

- Don’t agree to everything he says and don’t disagree to everything either. Just don’t let him get so casual with you that he questions your decision, which will make you want to explain the reason to him, which is totally not required. He gets so much importance here.. notice!

- Keep reminding yourself, it’s just dating. He might be saying the same things to other girls also, and even if he’s not take you time. Whats the rush.

- Most important- be yourself! Don’t try to be what you’re not just to get compliments or fit what type he likes, eventually you will be youself and then it might not be the quick get out of it exit. If you’re a jeans girl then stick to it baby, don’t get that sexy sultry dress to make him go ‘oohhhh’, if he likes you and knows the person you are he will eventually be more than ‘oohhh’ and feel lucky to be with you. I don’t mean don’t dress up, do but be who you are. Be yourself girls., you’re one of a kind!  (btw this point just got scrapped as timeout on login and had to re-write it! I think the first time one was better. )

Coming up shortly ‘Dating Don’ts for Boys’…

P.S: this is totally from girls POV, so boys read on.. this will be very helpful..and brutally honest (I love this word.. it describes me)

Even nothings are something..

{ November 15, 2009 @ 2:05 pm } · { Blogroll, Interesting, dating, dreams, family, feelings, friends, interpret, life, love, personal, random, realtionships, secrets, thoughts, writing }
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I’ve decided I’m not dating New Guy anymore. Hope all of you who wanted this are happy now!… sorry for being so spiteful* just all this seems so much more fucked up that what it actually is, and to say the truth its pissing me off that why the hell did this get so much attention when it isn’t even worth and by ‘attention’ I mean from others and not myself.

Anyways, so New guy and me have always been out on dats/brief meetings on late evenings (not intended just coincidence) and sis is so pissed with him after the first time experience and also after he kina showed her a mood swing(I hATE that about him). So everytime we went out we were always late, always, and I’m aware that I am also responsible for it, but then he should’ve also been keen on this and he wasn’t and I didn’t push it either (because I enjoyed being with him). All this pissed off mom and because she dosen’t know him she got really cross at me. Now last night also, after all the embarrassing thing happened we were bloody late and when I reached home mom strictly told me that I will not meet this guy unless I want to marry him, which is obviously ‘NO’. And sis who has been behaving like an ass also gave me so much crap, that why was going in the evenings with him and why was I causing so much trouble for something that didn’t mean anything to me, nothing important.

I agree, why would I make my family trouble because of someone I so clearly know means nothing to me? But whatever happened to making your own choices and deciding for yourself ? And the thing is that New guy is not at all important enough that I fight over ‘Why can’t I see this guy, I will do what I want’ stuff, but still, who decides what you want to do in your life?

I know they’re just concerned about what if I get caught up into emotions and stuff and that too with a guy who isn’t so good for me. But I don’t understand, I’m just having fun, why would you not let me go out and live life and have me sit here and spend my weekends at home when I can be out and enjoy my time. I understand that sometimes in the way thing are ou get carried away and cross limits, but if you never let me walk the line and tie my legs then how do I know where I have to crossover and where to stop? You need to learn from your mistakes and for that you need to live.

 

Now I’m confused about what should I tell New Guy. I’ll ask him to be friends and I know it sucks but that’s al I can say right now. He will probably feel that it’s because of yesterday’s thing, but I’m not explaining. I don’t feel anything for him, yet I don’t want to hurt him. Just yesterday he was saying that he knew he wasn’t the kina guy that I wanted in my life, so I think it won’t be so difficult for him. Its just that this all is happening because others want it and not because I want to. If given a chance I would’ve stopped it all myself, when I would find someone better. But now it’s so shitty.

 

That’s what I mean when I say ‘even nothings mean something’. New Guy and me are nothing, just getting to know each other, no emotional bonding, no feelings(from me atleast) and yet this all is so much complicated. Hell!

 

One more thing that is troubling me the most is ‘how am I gonna meet someone new now?’ hahah.. I know but honsetly, like I have said earlier its very difficult to find guys here, good guys. Back to finding someone new again.. :) Coz I want to be there, in the game and not outside on the bench watching. I want to know people and see what all I can take what all others take me like. Maybe this is a good thing, coz somehow I had stopped making effort to look around since I met New Guy.

 

Cheers!

P.S:  am feeling much lighter and relieved after putting this here. And somehow even getting the feeling on ‘moving on’. Nice!!

If you know what I mean..

{ November 14, 2009 @ 9:51 pm } · { Blogroll, Interesting, dating, dreams, family, feelings, friends, interpret, life, love, music, personal, random, realtionships, secrets, sex, thoughts, writing }
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I mean to tell you all about how I got where I am today i.e in the dating scene, but considering what happened today (read to end), I’m not to be blamed if things go off track.

 

So, here’s the thing, I was in a 3 years full-time selfless-you-are-my-all relationship and it ending up with me being scared of how seriously I get involved and how that is so not good for me.

 

Now what these kind of things do to you is, either take away your belief  from existence of love or leave you doubting yourself so much so, that you don’t even trust what you decide with open eyes and in sense, it feels like everything you decide will be wrong in the end.

 

As you might have guessed, I got into the second catagory.It all left me feeling stupid, so stupid that I couldn’t see that you always have to keep your mind opens to possibility that ‘this isn’t going to work’, especially when I could clearly see what I wanted was so different from what I had. I fell in love. Selfless, I planned my life around him, I believed that he filled that void in my life which was waiting for a man to come and take care of me. I loved him so much that it became difficult to love myself, coz these two parts of me wanted different things in life. i did understand that if I can’t make myself happy then I won’t be able to make anyones happy either.

 

We always come out of anything, only after leave something behind and taking something new. But when you leave a part of your belief on love or self-trust / confidence behind, it takes time..

I became frustrated with relationships, it hurt, I left it all. I even became the one who would always make fun of these couples in love and their shy and romantic behaviour. This continued for almost 2 year, until I started to feel that I’m missing something, being normal, being able to mingle with people, be what a 24-year-old should be.

I thought about it and though I was ok to go on into it all.. again… I met someone and started dating him. Things were all good till we met, and then every time we meet something was happening, something that I wouldn’t like. And then I go ahead and give it another chance. Maybe I’m ignoring what is going on in front of me, because I want it to right and why I want that is also very confusing cause it seems that I’m holding onto this one because I want to make sure that I have forgotten the past and moved on. It’s like a self-assurance I needed to convince myself. But I also wanted to check how this was, you know maybe get back the lack of trusting my own judgement, but maybe I found the wrong guy for it all.

 

What Happened today:

It’s too embarrassing to even say, so I won’t. But I saw something beautiful turn ugly, withing seconds.   And this time there is no ignoring it, coz it can’t be ignored. I have to decide on whether this will go on or not and the thing is that I don’t have nothing positive against all the  negative stuff. Nothing! and yet I’m thinking of how will it be to be back ? same i guess.. And even without any emotional stuff involved  this seems complicated. I thing I will end it all, even though we’re not in any trouble now, but still. It’s sad. Mom and sis are both against him/

Sad! also sad songs going on itunes..

Pulling the reins

{ November 9, 2009 @ 10:42 am } · { Blogroll, Interesting, dating, family, feelings, friends, habits, interpret, life, love, personal, random, reading, realtionships, secrets, sex, thoughts, work, writing }
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It’s funny how you know it all and yet there’s so less you can do to get it right.

I, for one, am too honest, about how I feel, who I am, what I like and what I don’t. I get so honest that I don’t even filter if teh the other person deserves or is trsut worthy of my honesty or not. This puts me in trouble, a lot of times.

Recently, with New Guy, after the last irritating incident I gave him a good blast over the phone. We spoke on the same night and after advice from friends, who said I should make him realize his mistake, I told him he was loosing his manners and treating me like I’m one of his home friends. He said he didn’t realize he was behaving so selfishly and then said sorry. He also said thanks for making him realize his mistake. ?? I didn’t get this at all. Anyways I was really mad and told him to talk about something else and we spoke for another hour or so (now I’m thinking I did too much talking and will lessen it all). He kept on saying sorry whenever he found the chance.

Then, you won’t believe this, he slept off on the phone while talking to me. WTF!!

He’s done this a few times before and then it was all too funny to get pissed off on, but this time it was too much. I simply disconnected the call and sent him a message that he slept off on the phone. He called up within 2 minutes and when I confronted him, first he clearly denied, then he’s like ‘yaa I don’t know why this happens to me’ .. happens to me?? Dude you slept off, it didn’t happen, you made it happen.. WTF!! When did I start become a magnet to guys with zero traits of mannerism and total ‘I don’t why this happens’ jerks?? God save me! I was super pissed off! I told him to sleep off if he’s sleepy and not do this again.

The next day I didn’t reply to his 2 goodmorning messages. Yes, I became the pathetic ‘goodmorning baby’ & ‘goodnight baby’ ass for a while, no more of that crap anymore. *smirkn at myself* lol! Anyways, so called him sometime in the evening and only spoke for a brief 2 minutes and then nothing. At night I spoke to him only like a friend,all casual stuff and no ‘baby’ stuff . Eww.. wats wrong with me!! He was again said sorry many times, I didn’t say its ok or anything. It wasn’t.  And now I was seriously considering putting an end to this lame attempt at dating and casual nonsense. I mean this was supposed to be fun and enjoyment and now all it was giving me was frustation and anger.. again WTF! Anywhow, then he called me early morning when I was still sleeping and I spoke to him for 10 min in my sleep where he was all baby and stuff but I didn’t respond. I called him after I woke up and told him that I didn’t remember anything. lol!

Later in the eveing, I so wanted to go out, you know somewhere with friends type or something and I was going out with sis and bro for some shopping so I replied to his text that if he wanted to go for a drive. He was all suprised and like yes sure sweety, my pleasure. So I told him to call me @ 8 and I’ll tell him where I am. Now isn’t that clear? You need to be nearby so can tell you where to pick me up from. So much for common sense, I reached home at 8:30 and called him to ask where he was and he was at his home.. WTF!! for the nth time. I was like what?? and then I was about to tell him that this is too much and we shouldn’ t be dating or talking anymore or something and it felt like he’s taking me way to for granted. Then he was like I’m coming to meet you. I said fine, coz I really wanted to meet him, I mean after talking so much on the phone and all the nonsense, you do feel like meeting and something in reality right? I know I’m sounding like an ass but what the heck.. its true.. So he came to pick me and then we went for a drive. He was looking very sulky, but i guess guys master that as the first few theings once they start dating, you know, how to look puppy type, in need of love and care.  Like every sweet girl my anger also melted away by looking at him and this is inspite of knowing that it was all all fake. Anyhow, we moved a little ahead and then instead of sitting into some crowded cafe decided on driving around, which I so was into because I knew what would follow. We talked about it and I told him that I didn’t feel good about it all and that I shouldn’t feel like this because we’re not into anythign so serious andits all supposed to be fun,  but there should not be any disrespectful behavior as that would make me feel cheap and I hate that. He said sorry many times and then we moved along, he showed off a little with his fast driving, which btw I totally like (I know teenage like.. but what to do. can’t help). So then he stopped 9as if I din’t know that) and we made out, like not too much but mostly kissing and a few hicky’s *Blush*. Then we moved along and took 2 cigrattes and smoked them while talking and I asked him for one honest confession and he made a big confession that he lies about where he lived coz he didn’t like that place, but I didn’t miind coz many of my friends live where he lives and its all in his head that its not good and all. It wasa bit shocking but he was feeling so relieved after telling me.. So cute.. God! Cute?? but it was.. I’m again behaving like an ass…should  stop now.

So next we moved back home around 11pm, where I got a hellof a scolding for having no sense and going out late with some guy that I hardly know and blah blah.. I know all this stuf.. but when you’re doing it then it dosen’t seem to reach your ears.. lol!

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